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Pregnant and intrusive thoughts about EVERYTHING. Please help!


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Hi! I’m new here and so I apologise in advanced for the long post.

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant and throughout my whole life I have dealt with pure OCD and intrusive thoughts. My thoughts started when I was about 10 years old after a traumatic event (domestic abuse) involving my uncle. I started to become convinced that I was sick with cancer or something of the like (at one point i was afraid I had bugs in my ears... haha) At several points in my life I have obsessed over death (being scared of dying, afraid that I’ll become depressed and kill myself), fear of going crazy and losing touch with reality and I have also struggled with ROCD in every relationship I have been in.

A bit of back story, my partner and I hadn’t been together for very long before I became pregnant but both of us were and still are very happy about the pregnancy. We have incredible support from both of our families. I spent the first weeks of the pregnancy incredible happy and excited for the future, until about the 12th week when my partner and I had an argument and I started becoming convinced the stress had caused me a miscarriage. Of course, the baby was fine and I was happy about the pregnancy once again. Then thoughts started coming that maybe I didn’t want the baby and that i wished it was just me and my partner and those thoughts distressed me deeply because I knew that was not true. I was having a hard time looking at baby things, or even speaking of the baby. I got over that and everything was good again for a few more weeks.

Things with my partner and I were at an all time high at about 26 weeks pregnant, i was so happy and so in love and then I started getting the ROCD thoughts. Typical what if he’s cheating, what if I don’t love him, what if I should have stayed with my ex boyfriend etc. These thoughts have started to make me become depressed and there were a few weeks where I was crying every day because of them. I knew they weren’t true deep down, but my OCD was twisting my mind into thinking that maybe they were. I suppose these thoughts are happening because having a happy family is the most important thing to me, as I never got to see that growing up. Both my mother and grandmother were single parents who dated around ALOT.

Fast forward to today, I am having intrusive thoughts about everything I possibly could. ROCD, thoughts that I don’t and won’t love the baby, fears that i won’t cope with a baby,  fears of dying and killing myself, fears I’m going crazy. Pretty much I’m scared I don’t love or care about anything, including myself. It’s really causing me to be depressed and it is causing issues in my relationship which is not helping at all because now I’m stressed that my partner will leave me or that I won’t make him happy. I can tell he doesn’t enjoy being around me at the moment and it’s killing me. I’m slowly forgetting how I used to be. Basically I have let it manifest for so long that it’s starting to affect every single part of my life. I can’t even sit at home and relax without thinking that maybe I don’t like my house?? I know that these thoughts are crazy but I can’t seem to make them stop.

I have started seeing a psychologist, I have been to two sessions so far  and they did help but after about a week it seems to get worse every time. I’m starting to become afraid that I’ll never be able to just relax and be happy (I refuse to medicate due to a family dependency on mental health medications) 

I suppose I’m looking for ways to cope, similar stories, any advice at all or even just to know I’m not completely insane. 

Thanks for reading my life story! ?

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Hi Mbee, welcome to the forum :)

Really sorry to hear you are having a difficult time :( Unfortunately quite often during pregnancy OCD can become worse, possibly a mixture of hormones playing havoc with our bodies or added responsibility ? I know that mine became worse during pregnancy :( please don’t worry you are not going insane, it’s just this dreaded disorder that makes you feel this way at times. 

Its good you have got family support and you have professional health care in place and  you can work begin to work through this step by step and hopefully you will start to feel a little better soon. 

Best wishes, lost 

 

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Hi lost - thank you for your reply, I’m guessing it is the hormones and a bit of fear of the unknown I suppose!

It’s difficult when it takes hold of every aspect in your life, especially when you’re on maternity leave with nothing else to do besides worry!

Thanks again :)

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Hello Mbee33,

I had the same! Its called prenatal ocd. But i did not know i had ocd, so it was so horrible i thought i was going mad...I wish I knew then what I knew now! I would have seen a cbt therapist and would maybe even consider meds, that are ok for the baby. I have now post natal ocd that slowly turned in POCD which is real hell. I recently started cbt - lets see how it goes. I just want to tell you - its awesome you share this! ocd hates to be seen. I wish you all the best! 

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsanddisorders/perinatalocd.aspx

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I had horrendous pre and post natal ocd with both my children, the hormones did a complete number on me.  For me, a low dose of antidepressants really really helped to correct that and I felt a lot better after they kicked in. I appreciate you have good reasons to refuse medication, however, I believe that you can easily come off the minimum dose if you want to and they could bring you a lot of relief. I think it is at least worth discussing with your psychologist. You have a right to enjoy this pregnancy and your new baby.

im really glad you are having professional support. And remember that your worries are actually very common for most new parents. When I discussed it with my mentally ‘well’ mum friends they had all kinds of crazy intrusive thoughts,they just found it that bit easier to dismiss them. Crying every day whilst pregnant, and thinking you are going crazy is not unusual. I know this is more serious as it is ocd, but pregnancy is tough for most women. You are not alone, and it’s going to be ok. 

I had terrible intrusive thoughts related to harm and all sorts of things. It was very tough as I didn’t get an ocd diagnosis until my second child They thought I had general anxiety. But even so I found so much to enjoy from being a mum. And if you don’t right away, that’s ok too. My sister didn’t bond with her baby till she was a few months old. Now her daughter is 4 and they have the closest most loving relationship. Just keep talking and reaching out for all the support you can get. And please consider antidepressants.

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Hi Mbe33,

I'm so sorry you're struggling just now. It's great that you had a brief period of feeling happy and excited about the pregnancy before the hormones and neurotransmitters started making things more difficult again!

How often do you see the Psychologist? could you ask for weekly appointments? Will you be able to receive ongoing support after your baby is born?

 

 

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Hi JennieWren, thank you for the reply! It’s definitely a relief knowing that I’m not the only one going through this.. I just wish it was easy to dismiss them and carry on with my day! I will see how I go after Bub arrives and if it happens to continue I will definitely consider the lowest dose of antidepressants possible for a few months or so to see if it helps. For now the psychologist is helping, I’m just needing to learn to use the techniques that she has given me more effectively.

Thank you!

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Hi BelAnna, yes I am very grateful for that as otherwise it would most likely be 100x worse!

I am seeing the psychologist on a fortnightly basis at the moment but I did end up going to an additional appointment yesterday making it weekly as I’m still attending my appointment next week. The plan I am on allows me to have 12 appointments I think, and so far I have used up 3 of them so I will still have some left for after Bub arrives!

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