Frustration/anxiety

[Headwreck]

Driving myself mad. Pushing the ruminations away but keep getting 'what if it's true', 'what if it's not OCD', 'what if you knew you did something' 'did you know you did something? Let's try to remember', 'what if you believe it's not true but then it is'. Bloody driving myself crazy. My mind seems to think that if I stop thinking then I'm tricking myself. When I don't think about it then I don't think anything happened. When I delve into it then I start to think it did. I know this isn't the right approach but I still have these underlying feelings even when I'm not ruminating and I'm asking myself why they are there if it's not true. Again, I know this isn't right as it's finally sinking in that the thinking is not going to solve this but it's so alluring yet horrible at the same time, like picking a scab.

Does anyone get so angry at themselves in their head? I feel like taking my brain out of my skull and booting it across a field, wouldn't even bother going back to get it either! 

[Sophie89]

Yes I do! At the moment I am at my wits end as it's like my brain is obsessing over how to stop obsessing! And so I am not able to do it. I don't know HOW to just sit with the uncertainty that's the problem. People say ride it out. How! I can't do it. And I feel angry and frustrated and then I end up snapping at my loved ones as my mind is so confused and frustrated. So I know your pain! At least you we not ruminating you are one step ahead of me xx

[PolarBear]

Stay the course. Remember that ruminating will not bring clarity. It never does. 

[Skullpops]

Could have written this myself. 

[Chels]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

Does anyone get so angry at themselves in their head? I feel like taking my brain out of my skull and booting it across a field, wouldn't even bother going back to get it either! 

Can totally relate I'd do exactly the same if I could!!

[Skullpops]

2 minutes ago, Chels said:

Can totally relate I'd do exactly the same if I could!!

And me! 

[Headwreck]

It's really difficult. I was under the belief that not ruminating so much would stop the feelings but the feelings still remain. Still, what is thinking doing for me and what has it done for me the past X amount of months, or even years in fact? I'm not going to keep doing it just to make my feelings feel valid/try to rid of them. I think that's one key realisation. I realised that this wasn't going to go by itself and my behaviour is the thing that can either make this thrive or cut it dead. Constantly going over and over it is keeping me in the ditch and ultimately just a waste of my own time and causing upset to people around me. The more it goes on then the bigger the ditch and the longer the rope will need to be to climb out. Determined to see this through. 

Edited February 20, 2018 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

Don't be under the illusion that doing things right is going to bring you immediate relief. Oh no. Doesn't work that way. How long has it taken you to get to this point? Months? Years? You don't fix that overnight. You need a wholesale change in your thinking and behaviors. That will take time. In the mean time, you take it one day at a time. You do your best to stay away from the compulsions, knowing they only make things worse. You keep forging ahead. You make constant, small improvements. The feelings will follow, in time.

[Headwreck]

I really hope so. Feel like a real fraud at the moment but I'm trying to just act happier and engage in conversations with work colleagues etc. to try to keep my mind focused on other things. Talking and joking with my partner more. People seem to have noticed the difference over the past week outwardly. Inwardly I don't feel convinced at all. 

Edited February 20, 2018 by Headwreck