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Out of hospital, struggling so hard with guilt


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Hi all

My sister and partner rang an ambulance on sunday as i broke down and told them i wanted to end it, they have been so supportive but of course i feel i dont deserve this. 

Please dont read on if you feel you could be offended by this but since being out i have tried to not do compulsions but i have constant guilt about sexual fantasies i had about my sister in law. 

They happened when my partner and me hadnt made love for many months about 8 years ago i confezsed to one 2 years ago and ended up in hospital then. 

Please dont read if you cant here it

One fantasy i imagined my partner was asleep and my sil said she couldnt have children and i said thats not a problem then etc etc

Another one involved a food fight and a cucumber. 

I fell so disgusted writing this and i cant shake them off

People have given amazing support but for the life of me i dont think ill ever be able to live with the betrayal i created in my head, i dont expect responses but i am in such a dark place, i just dont recognize that man who could disregard a women i truly love in that way. 

Im sure there are people who think i should leave her as i can't love her for having these thoughts but i couldn't imagine my life without her

The hospital decided not to section me but have requested secondry rather than primary therapy so i dont have to wait 8 months

Sorry for the graphic nature

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Please don't be sorry. It's clear for anyone reading this that you are having OCD thoughts. You love your wife so much you feel bad for having these fantasies. The truth is people have them all the time. It's just they realise them for what they are and let them go. My partner definitely has before because he even pretended once he wasn't turnt on as we had spoke about something sexual that had happened to me in the past which wasn't nice but he was! He knew it was wrong. It doesn't make him a bad person. The mind is a strange thing. Having a thought doesn't mean you believe it. If that makes sense. They are just thohghts. And when you are sensitive to them they will give you the worse possible ones. As sometimes our mind likes to trick us like that. 

 

I am not too sure what secondary treatment is but please trust me you can and will get better from this. You are clearly a kind caring person to feel guilt. Bad people DO NOT feel guilt. 

 

Hugs and strength to you x

Edited by Sophie89
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Just now, battlethrough said:

Thankyou so much for your time, i always see myself as an exeption to the ocd rule and that my intrusive thoughts or memories of past fantasies are worse than anyone else, and i just dont fit the criteria x

Haha story of my life!! Trust me x

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Hi BT,

I'm sorry to hear that you've had such a difficult time. You have no need to be sorry and nothing you said offended me. 

I of course agree with Sophie, people have fantasies all the time. I can tell you that I've had them and I'm married. They are just fantasies and people dismiss them after they've occurred. Your issue is not the fantasies themselves but how you're interpreting them. A hallmark of OCD is that it exaggerates things out of all proportion and makes mountains out of nothing.

I'm really pleased for you that your therapy has been fast tracked. You can get over this. Be kind to yourself and sending you all my best wishes. X

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We have told you, quite a few times, that what you are fixated on is a minor thing and not worth beating yourself up over. But we can't keep doing that. You have to start telling yourself that and you have to show it's not a big deal by refusing to ruminate over it.

You won't believe it at first. But take the leap of faith that we are right and do what i suggest. The feeling of guilt will slowly dissipate if you start treating this as a nonissue.

The alternative is you keep ruminating and beating yourself up. That has so far seen you end up in hospital. Not a good choice.

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Sophie, emsie and petal, thankyou for your time and support, its so appreciated.x

Polar b,you have been there for years with your sometimes blunt but aways to the point towards recovery advice,you have many times been a rock in very caotic waters. 

I honestly do listen to advice on here and try so hard not to ruminate,it sometimes feels my own mind has been taken over. 

My sister didnt know before but now she knows shes been amazing 

Unfortunately i still feel guilty to my partner as shes been such a support for most of the time, when i confessed years ago about her sister, she was very hurt, but i find it so hard, i cant bring it up again but the voice says, oh if she knew blah blah blah, so i just say its pocd doing my head in as she knows all about that but shes not happy with me confessing fantasise, it has given her insecurities, because she cant stand her sister. But when shes being so loving and careing, if only she new every detail.when i confessed i said it was once but it eas more and that lie clings, she also said i was cruel, not that i did it but that i told her, i always try to be honest

I know i cant confess this but it is a weight to carry.its hard to see it broadly without confessing all the details 

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44 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

Sophie, emsie and petal, thankyou for your time and support, its so appreciated.x

Polar b,you have been there for years with your sometimes blunt but aways to the point towards recovery advice,you have many times been a rock in very caotic waters. 

I honestly do listen to advice on here and try so hard not to ruminate,it sometimes feels my own mind has been taken over. 

My sister didnt know before but now she knows shes been amazing 

Unfortunately i still feel guilty to my partner as shes been such a support for most of the time, when i confessed years ago about her sister, she was very hurt, but i find it so hard, i cant bring it up again but the voice says, oh if she knew blah blah blah, so i just say its pocd doing my head in as she knows all about that but shes not happy with me confessing fantasise, it has given her insecurities, because she cant stand her sister. But when shes being so loving and careing, if only she new every detail.when i confessed i said it was once but it eas more and that lie clings, she also said i was cruel, not that i did it but that i told her, i always try to be honest

I know i cant confess this but it is a weight to carry.its hard to see it broadly without confessing all the details 

You are still feeding the OCD. So what if you have seven hundred fantasies about your wife's sister. It's just a fantasy. You didn't act on it. Everyone has weird fantasies. I wouldn't tell my boyfriend some of mine. The need to confess is OCD. You have done nothing wrong. I know this is reassurance but I think you need it. Chin up. Try to stop ruminating and it will become clearer when you don't force it. Xx

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31 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

Thnx x

Sorry just read that back and it sounds quite harsh. I'm anxious at the moment myself so I'm sorry if it came across that way. However I stand by the fact that you have done nothing wrong in having these fantasies at all and the more that you worry about having them will probably cause you to have more if that makes sense. The fact you care so much shows you are not a bad person. Some people have rape fantasies. That doesn't mean they are a rapist. It's just a scenario in your head. It doesn't mean you cheated. Cheating is only if you act on your thoughts. No person only fantasises about their other half. That would be boring :) xxx

Edited by Sophie89
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7 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

You didnt come across harsh atall. 

When im not in the throws of ocd ive seen it as ok and ive always had a good imagination,but when this horrible illness hits it twists everything. Why cant it dwell on good thoughts x

 

 

Spot on. When I'm not in the midst of OCD I can see all my worries as just that. Worries and anxiety. But when caught up it feels like the end of the world. And the ONLY way to not be in the throws of OCD is to resist thinking more about it. Just accepting the uncertainty. If OCD gave us good thoughts none of us would be on here! It's there to push us. But trust me. Once when I got rid of the OCD I was able to enjoy life more than the normal person because they take for granted being able to think freely without doubt. Stick to not feeding the OCD. I promise you it will get easier. This has made me realise I need to try harder too. It's gripping me st the moment and taking all joy from my life. Xx

Edited by Sophie89
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Not r

2 hours ago, battlethrough said:

if yhat makes sence x

Not really because that's how it seems in your mind but, from an outsiders point of view, you need to forgive, accept and move on. Your wasting valuable time in your life worrying about something you don't need to worry about. Everyone on this forum has told you they have done the same 'fantasised' even ones that are married! You have told your partner she probably didn't deal with it in a way she should have knowing you have OCD... but you have told her you have to think worse things have happened and life goes on forgive yourself your not the only one on the planet that's done something like this. You haven't committed a crime. It's life, our minds wander. Just move on from it x good luck x

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6 hours ago, battlethrough said:

Even when i try to accept, thats like a compulsion because im focusing on the thing i need to accept, if yhat makes sence x

Makes complete sense. Like are you repeating over to yourself accept it, accept it? I did that before. Now rather than accepting it as in expecting the thought to just disappear just focus on allowing it to be there but not investigating it. Just let it be like a background noise. Eventually you will get busy with something and it will fade away. It will come back. It always does. But you do the same thing. Gradually it comes back less and less as you stop being so sensitive to it. X

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Finding it so hard not to confess its awful, i know it wouldnt help anything, i feel she shoul6know it was more than once and all the details, this is horrendous why do i want to confess something to hurt someone,i CANT stop flaming ruminating over this

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49 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

Finding it so hard not to confess its awful, i know it wouldnt help anything, i feel she shoul6know it was more than once and all the details, this is horrendous why do i want to confess something to hurt someone,i CANT stop flaming ruminating over this

Exactly. All it will do is cause hurt. It's the OCD making you feel the urge to confess. You need to accept this. Easier said than done. But just accept that you cannot confess because it's the OCD telling you to. You will still feel rubbish but just carry on despite this feeling. X hope this helps x confess to us if you need to! X

Edited by Sophie89
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2 hours ago, battlethrough said:

Finding it so hard not to confess its awful, i know it wouldnt help anything, i feel she shoul6know it was more than once and all the details, this is horrendous why do i want to confess something to hurt someone,i CANT stop flaming ruminating over this

Keep trying to curb your ruminating. Whilst you wait for therapy, each time the thoughts come in to your mind, just say to yourself something like 'I'm not going to deal with that right now', and then return your attentions on to what you were doing or go and do something else, being mindful of not ruminating or doing any other compulsions. Keep trying to delay and reduce your ruminating. It will begin to fade if you can do this. My advice here on what to say to yourself is what PolarBear prescribed me to say to myself for someone starting out in dismissing their thoughts. X

Edited by Emsie
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13 hours ago, battlethrough said:

Sophie thanks, my mind is sscrewed,theres Always the voice saying she deserves to know, i made the mistake of googling and as always half the world say its wrong and the other half say its normal,ocd loves to grab the grey areas x

Never google! It's the devil! And OCD will always do that. Spot on. At least your realising its the OCD. So carry on ... this is a step forward !! X

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21 hours ago, battlethrough said:

Thanks emsie

I will try this,just feel like ive cheated, i will try harder tomorrow, sleep is the only break at the moment, its constant, hope you are well

You're so welcome. Keep trying, it will really help you. I have been struggling to be honest but last few days have been better. X

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