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I’ve done an awful thing!!!


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I literally want to kill myself right now, I don’t know why I even did it. I was changing my little girls nappy when I touched her on her bits! I DIDNT ABUSE HER, I just touched the top her bits with a wipe! I don’t know why I did it, I just gave into a compulsion. I feel sick and now I’m worried that there is seriously something wrong with me. I honestly think my daughter will be better off without me around, I’m far too much of a danger! 

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So you wiped your daughter on her genitals. That's what every parent does, hundreds of times, in their childs' lives. 

The problem is that you got a thought, at the same time, that what you were doing was wrong. Rather than dismissing that thought as utter junk, you bought into it. 

That thought was an intrusive thought, an obsession. No doubt you are keeping it alive by doing compulsions, chiefly ruminating.

What do you think you should do moving forward?

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The trouble was I acted on a compulsion after I had wiped her, that’s why I’m worried that I shouldn’t of be around her. Instead of dismissing the thought to touch her on the top of her bits I carried out the compulsion! I just don’t know why I didn’t dismiss the thought like I do with the others. Even though I know I haven’t actually abused her, I’ve still touched her when I shouldn’t of and to me that isn’t a normal thing. Like they say people with ocd don’t carry out their intrusive thought, but yet I just did. I’m such a danger to my little girl, it’s horrible :( 

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I had similar worries when I used to change my sons nappy, did I wipe more than needed etc? I always used to worry that unless the wipes had poo on then I had done that extra wipe for inappropriate reasons.  Still struggle now and he is 5, doesn't wear nappies obviously but needs help now and then with bottom wiping, I hate doing for above reasons.

Its all OCD . Ruminating will only make it worse for you. when I avoid ruminating the worry goes away.

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I’m panicking more because I tapped her on her private parts with my finger.

When I get the horrible intrusive thoughts about actually sexually abusing her I know I wouldn’t ever do that or follow through with a compulsion like that 

but I panick when I get the intrusive thoughts to tap or touch her there because I’ve carried out that compulsion, if that makes sense.

I just want to not follow through with compulsions anymore but I’m so useless at it and I’m not getting any better. 

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I hear you! Even reading your story made me feel various things. All ocd. You have to start small. For example - I used to wash my hands after I touched my son and before wiping myself in the toilet. Now i stopped doing that. Already 10 days. Horrible, disgusted, but you have to push! Your ocd will eat you alive if you dont start slowly!!!! stoping another compulsions.  Start Brain Lock and have you consider some meds? How old is child if i may ask and how long have u had postnatal ocd? I pressed my son few times agains my chest which felt literally like i abused him. An he was in clothes and pampers but i really wanted to finish my life. Its not you its ocd but you have to work your ass off!!! you ll manage i believe in you. 

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2 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You are making a big deal out of nothing. That's only going to make you feel worse.

I just panic because everyone always says people don’t act on their compulsions, yet I’ve just done that. Which makes me think is it even OCD and I panic what if I acted on a more severe compulsion like abusing her, even though the thought literally makes me want to vomit I’m always scared l might lose control and go completely bonkers :/ 

34 minutes ago, luna blue said:

I hear you! Even reading your story made me feel various things. All ocd. You have to start small. For example - I used to wash my hands after I touched my son and before wiping myself in the toilet. Now i stopped doing that. Already 10 days. Horrible, disgusted, but you have to push! Your ocd will eat you alive if you dont start slowly!!!! stoping another compulsions.  Start Brain Lock and have you consider some meds? How old is child if i may ask and how long have u had postnatal ocd? I pressed my son few times agains my chest which felt literally like i abused him. An he was in clothes and pampers but i really wanted to finish my life. Its not you its ocd but you have to work your ass off!!! you ll manage i believe in you. 

Thank you, I’ve been diagnosed with ocd since 2012, it started to improve but then I had my daughter a year and a half ago and it came back worse. I’m on 20mg of fluoxetine at the moment but wondering if I need to up the meds. 

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People don't act on compulsions. The saying is oeople don't act on their intrusive thoughts. People do compulsions. Sometimes those compulsions are for checking. That's what likely haooened in this case. It does not mean you are going to abuse your daughter.

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16 hours ago, PolarBear said:

People don't act on compulsions. The saying is oeople don't act on their intrusive thoughts. People do compulsions. Sometimes those compulsions are for checking. That's what likely haooened in this case. It does not mean you are going to abuse your daughter.

I’m just scared that I might act on an intrusive thought now I’ve done the compulsion. I feel sick and scared to be around my little girl and she’s picking up on my anxiety’s which is making it even worse. I’m in such a horrid place right now it’s just awful, the added stress to some events that have recently happened in my life really haven’t made this any easier. I just wish I could be normal for my daughter 

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I ve been thinking about you! A lot. I have a feeling you are hoi g throughout the same type of **** as me few month ago. I ve been seeing few therapists and started cbt since December. Mid January I had my first exposure- I had to read an article about difference between pedophilia ocd and pedophilic disorder. It was hell! 7 pages of hell! Then I started sertraline 50 mg. 3 weeks in now. I was ocd about to take the meds or no,for 5 month!!!! so it was a big step! Then now I ve been doing the brain lock 4 steps and keeping the journal. Since 10 days. I ve been pushing myself , but if I felt to much I did the compulsions and written in journal how proud I was of myself. And all of this helped!!!! I  am still tripping and get anxious and feel like I have an obsession that I am a sicko. But!!!! There are also quite hours! And last therapy I had to say on video that I was a pefophile as part of the exposure ( which was hardcore but ok because it felt so dumb and stupid! ) This forum has been tremendous help! And I meditate 10 minutes per day. ( I posted today this technique as a topic you can check my post if interested.) also very important!!!! One week - 5 days before period - hell ! Always! I set my alarm and try to stay cool although it's super hard! I see emdr therapist for trauma and intrusive images ( he did a session so could give bath to my son and change diaper without hyper anxiety and it worked!) I am writing to you because I feel your pain so deeply!!!!! I really do! Also I have a babysitter and I leave few times a week for 1,5-2 hours to relax. I hope some of these things can help you out! I wish you to know - it will pass! 

P.s: what helped me to stop thinking about my child getting anxious is saying to myself - it's ******** she cannot sense me. After a while it helped. Also - they. feel anxious because they are in a new world so it's not always about you. I hope you get well soon! But remember you are an awesome mother , and start journal where u write down all the compulsions you did not do and the positive things about yourself. Like " waw I am so good! I had a compulsion to wash my hands and I didn't! I am great! It will create new neurological connections to fight the old neurological connections , when  you said probably to yourself how horrible you are and that u are not worthy. Love to you sister! 

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But I can really advice some techniques to calm the mind ( so u can be around you daughter) and also write down all the compulsions you do and o trusibe thoughts so you get to know your ocd. Every time it comes - remember it ALWAYS lies! It's a real little liar! 

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Thank you for the advice :) I have been doing CBT since September last year, I was starting to finally get somewhere but recently have been through a bit of a rough personal problem and it has made my intrusive thoughts and compulsions a million times worse. I have noticed since starting ERP it has also become worse, I am thinking of upping my meds too.

I get so scared as I can feel myself going to do the compulsion or going to act on the urge, it has become a bit of a habit if that makes sense? But at the last minute I stop, it's just becoming a nightmare for me. I am so rubbish at ignoring the thoughts and compulsions. I just want things to get easier.

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I think you have to start small but at the same time, something quite anxious. You cannot just go and ignore such horrible thoughts! So no wonder its so hard!

Start with something which is not involving your baby. Like, for example, wash your hands once after toilet. ( for me it was a big deal as i did it 3 times.)

The more u teach yourself dosed anxiety the more you can handle the tripping times! Thats why we do it as well - so we get immune more or less towards this nightmare in our head. Also - the less compulsion you do the fewer thoughts you have!

Compulsion feed the mind as well! Its vice versa. Give yourself just three weeks - don't think in terms like never and forever. Just three weeks of working at home as well. 

But therapy is not enough you have to do it at home, every day and keep the journal. Like this, u ll focus on the more positive things and you  will win over it. I know you going to be ok! ( Plus to be a pedophile one must be a sociopath, its anti-social behavior so there is no fear and no compassion or empathy so you have ocd  trust me, but i never ever going to reassure you like that again because its not good for us but i want you to be informed because ocd makes you think you can do horrible stuff.) 

Also people imagine and think sexual, agressive , violent things EVERY DAY a thousand times! Its just us - ocd peepz take those thoughts serious. 

So focus very very hard on every time the thoughts come - repeat in your mind - http://www.ocduk.org/four-steps

a after 10 days you ll feel great relief, but EVERY THOUGHT! so its exposure because you repeat the thought, like sexual things and stuff like that  in your mind and detachment at the same time because you say its an obsession its not ME 

We can get better! just focus on every day and slowly you ll get better! i believe in you and have no doubts in your ability to concur this! i dont know why , maybe because i feel the love you have for your child, even though you think you are the worst person in the world- its your ocd its not you!

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I am sorry if i came on to hard:( Its just i am going through the same horrible stuff and when i feel relief i really want others to feel it. But of course its one day at the time- you think you get better and then you are off again, you think you are worse and suddenly you feel like you havent had an intrusive thought for an hour. just sending my love to you

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4 hours ago, Fender said:

Hi Bee2017, I'm sorry youre having such a rough time. Im going through something similar atm X-(

Thank you, it’s horrible isn’t it. I just feel like I’m being robbed of motherhood! 

 

2 hours ago, luna blue said:

I am sorry if i came on to hard:( Its just i am going through the same horrible stuff and when i feel relief i really want others to feel it. But of course its one day at the time- you think you get better and then you are off again, you think you are worse and suddenly you feel like you havent had an intrusive thought for an hour. just sending my love to you

No I completely understood all of that, it’s been really helpful I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to help me.  I know what you man completely. One moment I can go weeks without having a severe intrusive thought and can be happy going about my day the next minute I have the worst relapse ever and it just makes me feel numb. Thank you and I’m sending my love to you too, hopefully we can both get through this one step at a time  x 

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Just wanted to say i also suffer same obsessional theme and my heart goes out to you all.  It is all ocd. More you acknowledge it the more it will happen. Only time it leaves me is if i have taken the short term pain of working the anxiety. If i attend to it i get a whole batch of thoughts. Like now, i spike thinking of genitals and see the image of a child. I have a 9yr old daughter and 10 yr old son. I have had this on off since son was born. You won't be robbed and you aren't being robbed. Don't forget despite your OCD you are there. You are there doing the mum thing despite your terror - the awful need to be there for a child and the paradox that you dont even think you should be because you are clearly a threat. You are arguably part of the strongest mothers in the world - you are suffering to be a normal mum. All my life if i saw a babys bits i got that anxiety/arousal confusion thing. As hard as it is we have to just go - mmmmm - whatever. I would be lying if i said i have not done same as given in to touching like you when doing nappies or staring but i like you did it because you have to know you are not what you fear and therefore in one way are protecting your child and your very being - as in the moment you feel like you are being dragged to hell. So you have a vested interest in testing but that does not make it right and again something to beat yourself up about, despite you desperately trying to protect by doing it. Awful experience. It does not work anyway because you end up petrified of simply any contact physical or visual - nothing works but ignoring it.

All of this plays into ocd. Anything but ignoring ANYTHING will play to it. You may find yourself touching even a finger tip and end up with same conundrum as genitals. I recall seeing my daughters calf, lips, eyes, tummy, leg, anything - literally and would think 'looks like an adult' and wait for the demons to drag me to hell. Trust me - you have ocd - it is focusing on your fears, you are reacting and so it feeds it. Don't react. Tell your partner, friends, colleagues and family.

Take care x

Edited by njb
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