Feel I'm on the verge of a breakdown

[Headwreck]

11 minutes ago, Avo said:

 

OCD can make you believe anything if you let it . What happened is last October is you had an intrusive thought and attached meaning to it where there was none. this lit the fire and you have been throwing fuel on it ever since.

I honestly do sympathise I have done it so many times over the years. I still come a cropper now sometimes. 

I have had similar too when in the grips of one theme, I have wished for another almost willing to swap one torture for another.  Its OCD playing tricks. Honestly if you break the ruminating compulsion you will feel more like you did in your quote. 

Thanks Avo. Feeling very frustrated at the whole thing, I know something has got to give. I have moments (extremely few and far between) where I forget about everything, I am not guilty, I'm just living. Then of course it's the usual "why are you acting like you've done nothing wrong? Don't you remember that thing? Don't you feel guilty about that anymore?" Then I start thinking "maybe I've done nothing because I forgot. I mean, if you've done a bad thing then you'll always know?" Then it turns to "no you just buried your head in the sand and don't feel guilty anymore".

Horrible state of affairs and all in all a very nasty affliction to have. 

Edited March 3, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

13 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

A little off topic guys (apologies) 

Interesting what you say about almost wishing for another theme. 

My therapist and I actually had that conversation. 

I myself have wished for another theme before, including today. 

We discussed how OCD sufferers look at other sufferers with different themes thinking things like 

"Oh, I could cope so much better with that theme."

"That doesn't seem so bad."

"I'd give anything to have that theme rather than the one I have."

Ultimately, we all feel the distress irrelevant of the theme. The thought pattern is the same. I think perhaps some themes are easier to talk about for sure though. 

Absolutely this. I often think that I'd love for my checking to flare up again and push this out, or I'd love one where the compulsions are visible. My checking was always annoying and used to upset me but I could deal with it. Or I'd worry that I was pregnant all the time.

 I feel embarrassed to say that I've sometimes tried to force another theme, thinking about germs etc. just so that it could surpass this one because the mental anguish with this is torture. How horrible is that? What does that make me? And I don't mean that at all to be flippant about other people or their themes under any circumstances whatsoever, I hope I don't seem that way. 

It's as you say, you see the irrelevance in the processes of the other themes because you're not suffering it so you think you'll just deal with them. But we know it's not the case. When you're in,  you're well and truly in. 

Edited March 3, 2018 by Headwreck

[Skullpops]

2 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Absolutely this. I often think that I'd love for my checking theme to flair up again and push this out, or I'd love one where the compulsions are visible. I feel embarrassed to say that I've sometimes tried to force another theme, thinking about germs etc. just so that it could surpass this one. How horrible is that? What does that make me? And I don't mean that at all to be flippant about other people or their themes under any circumstances whatsoever, I hope I don't seem that way. 

It's as you say, you see the irrelevance of the other themes because you're not suffering it so you think you'll just deal with them. But we know it's not the case. 

Yeepppp!! I've wished back previous themes too! Then I feel awful for those suffering said theme. I guess I just didn't feel so ashamed by, say, contamination fears. 

[Dragonfly]

3 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Absolutely this. I often think that I'd love for my checking theme to flair up again and push this out, or I'd love one where the compulsions are visible. I feel embarrassed to say that I've sometimes tried to force another theme, thinking about germs etc. just so that it could surpass this one because the mental anguish with this is torture. How horrible is that? What does that make me? And I don't mean that at all to be flippant about other people or their themes under any circumstances whatsoever, I hope I don't seem that way. 

It's as you say, you see the irrelevance in the processes of the other themes because you're not suffering it so you think you'll just deal with them. But we know it's not the case. When you're in,  you're well and truly in. 

Totally get what you’re all saying too, I’ve had times where I’ve been in tears ruminating about something, and wishing my driving OCD back instead! Yet a few weeks beforehand, I would have been in the car, driving round in circles checking in tears for absolutely ages! Bloody hate OCD! It is one big mind trick! 

[Headwreck]

11 minutes ago, Dragonfly said:

Totally get what you’re all saying too, I’ve had times where I’ve been in tears ruminating about something, and wishing my driving OCD back instead! Yet a few weeks beforehand, I would have been in the car, driving round in circles checking in tears for absolutely ages! Bloody hate OCD! It is one big mind trick! 

It's torture. I also think 'I wish I just had a bad leg' etc etc. Just anything where you go to the Dr or hospital and they go "yeah it's a bad leg. Here's your tablets, here's some physio and you'll be sorted in a month. Don't walk on it and put the dressing on every day and it will be fine." then you go home and do all that and then it's gone. I guess everything looks good until you have to deal with it yourself. 

Edited March 3, 2018 by Headwreck

[Isthisreality]

25 minutes ago, Dragonfly said:

Totally get what you’re all saying too, I’ve had times where I’ve been in tears ruminating about something, and wishing my driving OCD back instead! Yet a few weeks beforehand, I would have been in the car, driving round in circles checking in tears for absolutely ages! Bloody hate OCD! It is one big mind trick! 

This. 

I can relate, it feels real every time. 

Edited March 3, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Skullpops]

Yep!! I've actually said I'd rather have no legs than have OCD, folk with no legs would probably want to punch me in the face for that. 

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Skullpops said:

Yep!! I've actually said I'd rather have no legs than have OCD, folk with no legs would probably want to punch me in the face for that.

I think they probably would

OCD is horrid, absolutely.....but you can get better from it or at least live a very full life.  You can't grow a new pair of legs!

[Skullpops]

Just now, Caramoole said:

I think they probably would

OCD is horrid, absolutely.....but you can get better from it or at least live a very full life.  You can't grow a new pair of legs!

You're right Caramoole. 

Very selfish thing for me to say. 

[Skullpops]

I'm truly sorry if I offended anyone with my comment. 

I'm not for a minute suggesting a life with no legs would be easy, not for a second. 

I meant it more from the point of view that though life would be difficult, I wouldn't have the shame and guilt too, that comes with OCD. 

It was a flippant comment, very selfish of me and I'm deeply sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. 

[Isthisreality]

Don't beat yourself up about it. 
I watched a documentary yesterday about 3 people who got treated for their OCD and they were all successful. The man said he would chop off his hand if he got a 50% decrease with* his OCD thoughts 

 

pretty good documentary. Go watch it. 

 

Edited March 3, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Headwreck]

17 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

I'm truly sorry if I offended anyone with my comment. 

I'm not for a minute suggesting a life with no legs would be easy, not for a second. 

I meant it more from the point of view that though life would be difficult, I wouldn't have the shame and guilt too, that comes with OCD. 

It was a flippant comment, very selfish of me and I'm deeply sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. 

I'm sorry, I feel like I'm a bit responsible for leading the conversation down that path. I can see it was just an expression of how desperate it can get and there was no offence intended. If I'm completely honest I've thought things not too dissimilar in the past. Please don't let it worry you.xx

[Emsie]

Don't worry about it at all SP. Please don't beat yourself up at all. We knew what you meant and that you meant no offence. No offence taken at all. Don't give it another thought. Xxx

Edited March 3, 2018 by Emsie

[Dragonfly]

Ah we all knew what you meant Skullpops! Don’t be beating yourself up over it Xxx

[Avo]

Don't beat yourself up Skullpops, in the depths of OCD we can just become so despondent like you say the subject matter at times can worry us in terms of what others may think. Thing with OCD is that firstly people don't realise how torturous it can be, secondly I think people would be quite surprised at the subjects people with OCD worry about i.e quite taboo subjects that can leave someone with OCD feeling isolated.

Don't fret. You certainly have not offended me.

[Caramoole]

I don't want anyone to feel guilty or wear a horse hair shirt.....more to believe that life doesn't have to stay this way.

Life with OCD can (understandably) become all consuming but we have to be careful that we too don't spend all of our day surrounded by all things OCD.  Because of the desperation it's easy to slip into the habit of spending every waking moment involved with it....reading books, searching the internet, being on forums, talking about it.  That's fine in moderation but be careful that whenever you ca,n to try and engage with something that isn't about OCD 

[Skullpops]

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments. I really didn't mean it how it sounded! 

Caramoole, I hear what you're saying but my day *is* all consumed by OCD. I'm on medication, I go to therapy, I spent months in hospital, I've done everything I've been advised to do. 

I don't want my day to revolve around OCD, who would? I engage in non ocd stuff only to end in tears as the the thoughts invade my head. 

I'm 17 months into a relapse so please forgive my frustration, my day revolves around OCD a lot of the time, partly due to having a bad day OCD wise or being on here, the folks here totally understand my situation. 

I am fortunate enough that I recently experienced feeling good! I think perhaps that's why I'm now so upset, because I thought I was finally getting somewhere. 

I will most definitely take your advice on board re non OCD stuff, I've spoken with a few member of the forum today and they've all suggested doing things I enjoy. My issue there is I then get "You don't deserve to enjoy things" type thoughts but again I've been given some fab advice on how to combat this. 

Best wishes,

SP

[Skullpops]

1 hour ago, Isthisreality said:

Don't beat yourself up about it. 
I watched a documentary yesterday about 3 people who got treated for their OCD and they were all successful. The man said he would chop off his hand if he got a 50% decrease with* his OCD thoughts 

 

pretty good documentary. Go watch it. 

 

Thank you, will definitely watch. 

[Caramoole]

Hi Skullpops

That was a rushed post....and I'm rushing even more now 'cos I'm going out.  I'll maybe start a thread on this later

[Skullpops]

No worries Caramoole,

Enjoy your evening and stay safe.