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I have fallen into an OCD hole, can you help me get out?


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Hello Everyone

Hope your all ok, I have been doing ok with my OCD recently and feel I have hopefully been able to help others where I feel I can. That changed about 2 hours ago it feels like I have been punched in the face.

To explain this struggle is down to a memory from when I first started struggling with OCD, to be precise my worry over sexual orientation I have worried in the past as to if I am attracted to or could hurt a child. To say this has caused me years of agony would be a massive understatement. As a lot of us with OCD do we slip into compulsions to try and prove/disprove things. 

In the depths of this worry I went down the route of checking for arousal around this subject, I hasten to add I did not watch anything,  or go online to view anything but I did half heartedly call to mind an image of a child to check for arousal, as I was so disturbed that I may be what I fear I don't recall the images being even that graphic though can't be sure. If I am honest I don't even remember if I did experience arousal. I am however aware that focusing on arousal can actually cause it, or at least a reaction. I probably tried this a handful or so of times, cant remember exact number but it was a few.

The thing I can't forgive myself for is the fact I tried to check for arousal over such a disturbing theme. I am ashamed and embarrassed by these episode. I was walking round the town I live earlier with my wife and son just after this memory hit me. I just felt myself retreat inside myself almost instantly . What would the people think of me if they knew I had done this? how can I live with myself so doing this? every other interaction seemed too much and I just wanted to run away, I couldn't engage with my son or wife I felt horrid. 

I am basically in a massive hole and it feels like it has happened in almost the blink of an eye. I can't forgive myself, I feel I should have known better than to try this to prove/disprove anything and I feel essentially like I am a fraud.

I have in the past worried about if I am gay, and I did this over that topic even watched something briefly, however this subject doesn't bother me so much as being Gay is not wrong, being a pedophile however most certainly is. That's why I can be ok with the Gay theme but not the other. 

Would appreciate some help. 

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Hi Avo, 

Sorry to read that OCD has you in its grip presently. 

Not sure I can be of any help to you but I'll try. 

Firstly, and as a sufferer I know all too well that OCD will skew and analyse this info, but...

intrusive thoughts. Check.

Anxiety. Check.

Feeling like a fraud/concerned what others would think. Check. 

Compulsions. Check. 

Feeling all consumed by this horrible obsession. Check. 

Typical obsessional theme. Check.

So...what is troubling you is that you checked for signs of arousal. 

Checking = compulsion

So you checked for this why? Because you perceive there to be danger where there isn't any. You are checking to ensure 'safety' 

No harm comes to anyone ect. 

Imagine someone with an obsession of burning the house down. Perhaps they might check the cooker, the iron, hair straighteners. 

Understandably, your distress is coming not only from the uncertainty, but the theme of the obsession which is troubling you.

 

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Hi Avo,

I completely agree with what Skullpops says.  This has all the hallmarks of an intense OCD episode (which I am sure you know deep down - not least from the title you gave this thead).

It is just dreadful when OCD has you in its grips like this - you can go from fine one second then BAM, that awful wave of dread and panic that you feel you must get rid of at any cost.

I think you know what you need to do - but knowing it and feeling able to do it are two different things! I sometimes find it helps to sit down with a piece of paper and identify (a) the trigger, (b) the theme/obsession it relates to and (c) the compulsions I am carrying out which keeps it alive.  Just writing it down can create a distance between me and the intensity of the thoughts, and reminds me exactly what is going on.  Once I've identified the compulsions I will try to work at reducing them or at least delaying them. Compulsions for you include checking, ruminating, self-punishment ("I can't forgive myself", "what would people think") etc. and I expect a certain amount of reassurance-seeking, either from others or by analysing it in your own mind.

Could you work at identifying these and trying to reduce or delay them, even if just for a while?

Sending you hugs and good vibes xx

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Hi Avo,

First of all I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling with this memory. It was a checking compulsion, just like I would check for a lump or check what I said to someone or check I didn't trap someone in a door when I closed it etc (the list is endless). You were checking that you weren't what you feared. And it was OCD lies that drove you to doing this compulsion. 

Now of course you are ruminating like crazy about this compulsion and with all the negative feelings and thoughts associated. You have to nip this in the bud now. You do not need to go over this. You know this is your OCD trying to get in again, as your title of your thread shows. Try your best not to engage in this anymore. You can do this, I know you can. 

Sending you loads of positive  thoughts. X 

p.s. I've just read this back after posting, I'm sorry if any of it sounds like tough love, I just don't want you feeling like this and wanted to keep it simple and clear.  X

Edited by Emsie
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So basically you won't forgive yourself because you have a mental disorder. That's what you're saying. Sufferers do compulsions until they learn they don't have to. That's just the way it is.

You don't choose your theme. Its chosen for you and you have to deal with it the best you know at the time. Just like everyone else.

Do you feel all other sufferers should feel huge guilt and punish themselves because of the compulsions they do? Of course not. You're no different than anyone else.

Shrug it off. It's no big deal.

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2 hours ago, Skullpops said:

Hi Avo, 

Sorry to read that OCD has you in its grip presently. 

Not sure I can be of any help to you but I'll try. 

Firstly, and as a sufferer I know all too well that OCD will skew and analyse this info, but...

intrusive thoughts. Check.

Anxiety. Check.

Feeling like a fraud/concerned what others would think. Check. 

Compulsions. Check. 

Feeling all consumed by this horrible obsession. Check. 

Typical obsessional theme. Check.

So...what is troubling you is that you checked for signs of arousal. 

Checking = compulsion

So you checked for this why? Because you perceive there to be danger where there isn't any. You are checking to ensure 'safety' 

No harm comes to anyone ect. 

Imagine someone with an obsession of burning the house down. Perhaps they might check the cooker, the iron, hair straighteners. 

Understandably, your distress is coming not only from the uncertainty, but the theme of the obsession which is troubling you.

Hi Skullpops, 

You have been of help, you put it very succinctly. I think what bothers me is the subject matter as you say. It's such a taboo (rightly so) and even on these boards among fellow sufferers I am ashamed, even though I know people here understand OCD, its just such an embarrassment as a theme. 

Thank you for taking the time to respond, hope your doing ok?

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Ach bless you @Avo

I'm so pleased I was able to help you. You're very welcome. 

The theme you're suffering makes you feel embarrassment and shame...as is the case for all sufferers of this theme I'd imagine. 

I've read before that irrelevant of the content of the obsession, the anxiety is the same. Unpopular opinion, but I disagree with that. Certainly, I agree that the distorted thought pattern is the same, the cycle is the same in terms of thought > anxiety > compulsion > temporary relief and repeat, but I believe sufferers of this theme in particular have the added distress of the embarrassment, the shame and the guilt that goes with it. 

I am not for a second disregarding the suffering of folks with other themes, let me be clear on that...just that their is added distress to particular themes. 

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1 hour ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi Avo,

I completely agree with what Skullpops says.  This has all the hallmarks of an intense OCD episode (which I am sure you know deep down - not least from the title you gave this thead).

It is just dreadful when OCD has you in its grips like this - you can go from fine one second then BAM, that awful wave of dread and panic that you feel you must get rid of at any cost.

I think you know what you need to do - but knowing it and feeling able to do it are two different things! I sometimes find it helps to sit down with a piece of paper and identify (a) the trigger, (b) the theme/obsession it relates to and (c) the compulsions I am carrying out which keeps it alive.  Just writing it down can create a distance between me and the intensity of the thoughts, and reminds me exactly what is going on.  Once I've identified the compulsions I will try to work at reducing them or at least delaying them. Compulsions for you include checking, ruminating, self-punishment ("I can't forgive myself", "what would people think") etc. and I expect a certain amount of reassurance-seeking, either from others or by analysing it in your own mind.

Could you work at identifying these and trying to reduce or delay them, even if just for a while?

Sending you hugs and good vibes xx

 

Hi GBG,

Thank you so much for your response. Like you say BAM, it hits you and your day goes from being ok, to you feeling horrible. I struggle to engage with the people around me I become very stressed and uptight. Any extra effort feels like too much such as engaging with shop keepers or my family. I just want to run home, lie in bed and not move again for the rest of the day.

Ruminating - that should be my middle name its me all over its my biggest compulsion and I have been doing not badly recently. The ironic thing was we were driving into town and my wife asked how I was doing OCD wise (we have agreed that we will have a brief chat every sunday to see I am on track, but avoiding my reassurance seeking) and I said I was doing ok this week, and within ten seconds this hit me and I became desperate and withdrawn and into this massive hole. 

Self punishment, this would be my other middle I did during therapy touch on self compassion but I realise I have not perused that side of things enough. I feel very much like a bad person.

Reassurance seeking, me all over again, got really bad a few years back I seemed to be seeking it on a daily basis. This feeling I had today reminded me of the 'bad old days' when I was a mental mess really. 

Thanks again for your response and the good vibes. Hope your ok too?

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1 hour ago, Emsie said:

Hi Avo,

First of all I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling with this memory. It was a checking compulsion, just like I would check for a lump or check what I said to someone or check I didn't trap someone in a door when I closed it etc (the list is endless). You were checking that you weren't what you feared. And it was OCD lies that drove you to doing this compulsion. 

Now of course you are ruminating like crazy about this compulsion and with all the negative feelings and thoughts associated. You have to nip this in the bud now. You do not need to go over this. You know this is your OCD trying to get in again, as your title of your thread shows. Try your best not to engage in this anymore. You can do this, I know you can. 

Sending you loads of positive  thoughts. X 

p.s. I've just read this back after posting, I'm sorry if any of it sounds like tough love, I just don't want you feeling like this and wanted to keep it simple and clear.  X

Hi Emsie,

Firstly I didn't feel you were being too harsh, I always find you very diplomatic and fair when you post both to me and others. I suppose my struggle with this is the subject matter, I have done compulsions around other themes, such as health, checking doors, envelopes(I used to work in a job where urgent documents had to be sent overseas and was always doubting if I had put the documents in the correct envelope or to the correct destination and checked loads as a result) a bit of magical thinking etc.  my shame is the topic. Its such a dark subject and I am ashamed of having this as one of my themes. Ashamed I was driven to do this particular compulsion. I feel like putting it down to my OCD is somehow a cop out even though I suppose it is. 

Thank you so much for your positive thoughts. How are you doing? hope your almost at the top of your CBT waiting list?

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

So basically you won't forgive yourself because you have a mental disorder. That's what you're saying. Sufferers do compulsions until they learn they don't have to. That's just the way it is.

You don't choose your theme. Its chosen for you and you have to deal with it the best you know at the time. Just like everyone else.

Do you feel all other sufferers should feel huge guilt and punish themselves because of the compulsions they do? Of course not. You're no different than anyone else.

Shrug it off. It's no big deal.

Hi PolarBear,

Yes basically I am not forgiving myself because I have a mental disorder. I suppose where I am not letting myself off the hook is treating it as a compulsion, and not something more serious that I need to be brought to task for. 

I suspect people do feel embarrassment to a point over compulsions, I do them over other themes too. I think maybe with this compulsion there is shame attached because of the theme. 

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17 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

Ach bless you @Avo

I'm so pleased I was able to help you. You're very welcome. 

The theme you're suffering makes you feel embarrassment and shame...as is the case for all sufferers of this theme I'd imagine. 

I've read before that irrelevant of the content of the obsession, the anxiety is the same. Unpopular opinion, but I disagree with that. Certainly, I agree that the distorted thought pattern is the same, the cycle is the same in terms of thought > anxiety > compulsion > temporary relief and repeat, but I believe sufferers of this theme in particular have the added distress of the embarrassment, the shame and the guilt that goes with it. 

I am not for a second disregarding the suffering of folks with other themes, let me be clear on that...just that their is added distress to particular themes.

 

19 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

P.s...

I'm all over the place, thanks for asking...swinging between being certain I have OCD and but what if it's not...trying very hard not to ruminate! 

Hi Skullpops,

Sorry your a bit all over the place at the moment, ruminating is my biggest compulsion, always has been. I think with you doubting your have OCD, is classic OCD! I go through this myself. To the point there I do compulsions around this too! Wishing us both a better tomorrow.

Thanks again for your help. 

Avo

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26 minutes ago, Avo said:

Hi Emsie,

Firstly I didn't feel you were being too harsh, I always find you very diplomatic and fair when you post both to me and others. I suppose my struggle with this is the subject matter, I have done compulsions around other themes, such as health, checking doors, envelopes(I used to work in a job where urgent documents had to be sent overseas and was always doubting if I had put the documents in the correct envelope or to the correct destination and checked loads as a result) a bit of magical thinking etc.  my shame is the topic. Its such a dark subject and I am ashamed of having this as one of my themes. Ashamed I was driven to do this particular compulsion. I feel like putting it down to my OCD is somehow a cop out even though I suppose it is. 

Thank you so much for your positive thoughts. How are you doing? hope your almost at the top of your CBT waiting list?

Bless you Avo, thank you, I'm glad my message came across ok. 

I think Polarbear has explained it brilliantly why you shouldn't feel the way you do. I can't put it better than Polarbear, but I completely agree with him. I've felt very guilty and ashamed due to my compulsions and quite recently it came to a head. It then turned in to another OCD episode seeking reassurance for my behaviour/compulsions.

I know it's so easy for me to say but you need to try your best to treat this like any other compulsion and theme. It isn't a cop out as you said, this is all down to your OCD. 

I'm ok I would say right now, thank you. But I feel I'm ok only because I haven't been triggered in a few days. I know my thinking is distorted, nothing's changed. Thank you for what you said about my CBT, I hoping it won't be long now. 

Sending you loads of positive thoughts. X

Edited by Emsie
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Oh bless you Avo so sorry to hear it’s been a difficult time for you :( you’ve been given some great advice, so there isn’t really anything I can add to it. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you gave into a compulsion, something we all do and now you are constantly ruminating about it which will only make you feel ten times worse and keep you stuck. Try your best not to engage in it and let it go, don’t buy into the OCD lies.

Sending you my best wishes and hoping tomorrow is a better day for you :yes:

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28 minutes ago, Avo said:

 

Hi Skullpops,

Sorry your a bit all over the place at the moment, ruminating is my biggest compulsion, always has been. I think with you doubting your have OCD, is classic OCD! I go through this myself. To the point there I do compulsions around this too! Wishing us both a better tomorrow.

Thanks again for your help. 

Avo

Thanks Avo! 

Ach yes, ruminating is a huge compulsion for me too. Yeah the doubting it's ocd is classic ocd...but we still doubt it cause y'know, ocd. 

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27 minutes ago, Emsie said:

Bless you Avo, thank you, I'm glad my message came across ok. 

I think Polarbear has explained it brilliantly why you shouldn't feel the way you do. I can't put it better than Polarbear, but I completely agree with him. I've felt very guilty and ashamed due to my compulsions and quite recently it came to a head. It then turned in to another OCD episode seeking reassurance for my behaviour/compulsions.

I know it's so easy for me to say but you need to try your best to treat this like any other compulsion and theme. It isn't a cop out as you said, this is all down to your OCD. 

I'm ok I would say right now, thank you. But I feel I'm ok only because I haven't been triggered in a few days. I know my thinking is distorted, nothing's changed. Thank you for what you said about my CBT, I hoping it won't be long now. 

Sending you loads of positive thoughts. X

Sorry your struggling Emsie, sounds like you have been through a hard time? I really hope your CBT is along soon and it can help you in your recovery. We can always try and help here if you need us.

I appreciate your support especially when your having a tough time yourself. 

Avo

 

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30 minutes ago, lostinme said:

Oh bless you Avo so sorry to hear it’s been a difficult time for you :( you’ve been given some great advice, so there isn’t really anything I can add to it. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you gave into a compulsion, something we all do and now you are constantly ruminating about it which will only make you feel ten times worse and keep you stuck. Try your best not to engage in it and let it go, don’t buy into the OCD lies.

Sending you my best wishes and hoping tomorrow is a better day for you :yes:

Thank you lost,

its just so tough at times , I suppose I need to think of it as a compulsion, nothing more sinister than that. I feel I have been doing fairly well and then today was a big step back.

Thanks so much for your support. Hope your doing ok?

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59 minutes ago, Avo said:

Sorry your struggling Emsie, sounds like you have been through a hard time? I really hope your CBT is along soon and it can help you in your recovery. We can always try and help here if you need us.

I appreciate your support especially when your having a tough time yourself. 

Avo

 

Thank you so much for your kind words Avo when you're having a tough time yourself. It has been hard, you're right, it's been obsession after obsession, like a conveyor belt. Thank you so much about my CBT and the offer of help too, you're all such a wonderful group of people.

You are so welcome, you always have my support and you've helped and supported me so much too. 

Back to you, I think what you said to Lost was spot on, it was just a compulsion, nothing more sinister than that. 

Wishing you a better day tomorrow.

Take care, Em x

Edited by Emsie
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27 minutes ago, Avo said:

Thank you lost,

its just so tough at times , I suppose I need to think of it as a compulsion, nothing more sinister than that. I feel I have been doing fairly well and then today was a big step back.

Thanks so much for your support. Hope your doing ok?

It is really tuff at times Avo, I totally agree :yes: I had a bit of a setback to, but I’m back on track again now thank you ☺️ 

It’s good your starting to see it as a compulsion and it’s nothing more sinister than that. Now you just need to remain from ruminating about it and let it go :yes: 

See it as a sidetrack and nothing more, you can do this :cheer:

 

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7 minutes ago, Emsie said:

Thank you so much for your kind words Avo when you're having a tough time yourself. It has been hard, you're right, it's been obsession after obsession, like a conveyor belt. Thank you so much about my CBT and the offer of help too, you're all such a wonderful group of people.

You are so welcome, you always have my support and you've helped and supported me so much too. 

Back to you, I think what you said to Lost was spot on, it was just a compulsion, nothing more. 

Wishing you a better day tomorrow.

Take care, Em x

Your so right this is a wonderful group of people, its got a real community spirit about it, this site and charity and the people who use it are the positive side of social media

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9 minutes ago, lostinme said:

It is really tuff at times Avo, I totally agree :yes: I had a bit of a setback to, but I’m back on track again now thank you ☺️ 

It’s good your starting to see it as a compulsion and it’s nothing more sinister than that. Now you just need to remain from ruminating about it and let it go :yes: 

See it as a sidetrack and nothing more, you can do this :cheer:

 

Thanks Lost, glad your back on track too. Your cheerleader emoji always cheers me up. 

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4 minutes ago, Avo said:

Your so right this is a wonderful group of people, its got a real community spirit about it, this site and charity and the people who use it are the positive side of social media

Completely agree Avo, we are so lucky. :siterock:

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21 minutes ago, Avo said:

Thanks Lost, glad your back on track too. Your cheerleader emoji always cheers me up. 

Thanks Avo :yes: I’m so glad I could make you smile ? 

Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start to get back on track again, you can do it Avo :cheer: believe in yourself :yes:

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