Identifying all my compulsions

[kirby42]

I've been having a difficult couple of days. I want to go through a list of what I suspect may be compulsions. As many say, the only way to end this is to stop them. I need feedback as to what is and isn't a compulsion and how to deal with them.

1. Rumination - definitely a compulsion, I'm very guilty of this. I ruminate a lot, it's like a default state of mind.

2. Checking how I feel about things, am I attracted to so and so, what do I think of such and such violent thought. Also a compulsion, though one I do less.

3. Wishing I was someone else, "life would be easier if I was my friend John who doesn't worry about this".

4. Wishing that ll the thoughts would just stop and go away. Desperately wanting to be normal.

5. Reading about cases in the news about murderers and abusers. Trying to see if I am in any way similar to them. I often say whilst reading "oh god, I would/could never do that".

6. Reading an article on OCD for the 10th time or checking this forum ten times a day.

7.Asking for reassurance I don't do this much, but when I feel really bad I like to open up to someone about what's going on in my head and how bad it makes me feel. I broke down on the phone last night to my Dad.

8. Wondering about the future. A huge percentage of abusers and killers are older and I'm still relatively young. How do I know that in 20 years I won't become like then?

9. Replaying things from the past, questioning whether or not it was my fault or if I was in some way wrong, even though doctors and family have assured me that I wasn't.

 

Do all of these sound like compulsions to you? The theory is, cut out compulsions and the frequency of intrusive thoughts will subside, correct?

I so want to just be a normal guy. I've been blessed with a lot of things in my life and have achieved much through hard work. I feel that this condition is holding me back from being the person that I really want to be.

All I want in life is to be happy and healthy. I dream of having a nice two bedroom flat somewhere in the city, having a family and a little son who I can watch football with, enough money to comfortably live... I don't want this horrible condition to be here forever.

 

 

[kirby42]

Would be interested in hearing any thoughts on this

[PolarBear]

Yes, those are compulsions. Ruminating is probably your big one. 

I wonder if avoidance is in there too, as in avoiding people who might trigger your harm thoughts.

[kirby42]

No i don't avoid anything. But you're right about rumination.

[kirby42]

So, when I catch myself doing these, I need to stop immediately, say "I'm not going there", and refocus onto something else? This is the path to recovery?

 

It sounds so simple in essence but it is quite difficult to implement fully.

[kirby42]

I think I need to change my medication too. I've been on lexapro 20mg for 5 months and I don't feel it's helping.

[kirby42]

Feeling proper miserable again today. I'm exhausted.

[Isthisreality]

Having OCD is miserable and the recover  will be miserable before the brain relearns. Don't analyze how you feel from day to day.

With recovery do you have anxiety but you are actually doing something longterm to leave this nasty condition behind 

Edited March 13, 2018 by Isthisreality

[PolarBear]

10 hours ago, kirby42 said:

So, when I catch myself doing these, I need to stop immediately, say "I'm not going there", and refocus onto something else? This is the path to recovery?

 

It sounds so simple in essence but it is quite difficult to implement fully.

Well thats part of it. Yes it sounds too simple but it's true. I've always said that revovery is simple but it's not easy.

The less you respond to the thoughts the better. 

You need some cognitive work too and some ERP. Have you looked at a good CBT book yet?

[stopthinking]

3 hours ago, Isthisreality said:

 

Having OCD is miserable and the recover  will be miserable before the brain relearns. Don't analyze how you feel from day to day.

With recovery do you have anxiety but you are actually doing something longterm to leave this nasty condition behind 

Edited 3 hours ago by Isthisreality

 

So is it likely to have really bad days during recovery. I say this because iv been trying so hard and doing ok with not doing compulsion but feel quite bad today and feel back to square one. 

[Isthisreality]

22 minutes ago, stopthinking said:

So is it likely to have really bad days during recovery. I say this because iv been trying so hard and doing ok with not doing compulsion but feel quite bad today and feel back to square one. 

Well that is recovery. You will feel really bad anxiety and you are supposed NOT to engage *. Which you normally would.

Edited March 13, 2018 by Isthisreality

[kirby42]

16 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Well thats part of it. Yes it sounds too simple but it's true. I've always said that revovery is simple but it's not easy.

The less you respond to the thoughts the better. 

You need some cognitive work too and some ERP. Have you looked at a good CBT book yet?

I went through CBT before and I found it helpful. Though these days I feel like I'm back at square one. I have a book called "Stop Obsessing"and I also have "CBT for Dummies".

 

I woke up this morning with a lot of anxiety and still feel very depressed. What's massively bothering me even more so than the content of the thoughts themselves, is just the fat that they are present so often and that I don't feel "normal" because of them. I feel people would hate me if they knew what was going on in my head. Last night I saw some homeless guys and I thought "that will be me in a few years after I do something horrible and go to prison and then get out". In the country I live in, homelessness is basically a death sentence because of the cold.