Do some people never recover?

[Gemma7]

GBG it's OCD, look at how much doubt you have. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

The thing is - whenever people talk about this kind of thing on the forum, they are always the kind of people who would never do bad things in a million years, it's a hallmark of OCD that it goes against your core values.  But I really was kind of a bit of a ****, that's not OCD, that's just fact, and maybe I did do this thing, maybe it will hang over my head always and maybe that's no more than I deserve really. 

[taurean]

35 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

(slightly anxious about you asking that question if I'm honest!) - because I have this fear that I don't have OCD at all, and really all my fears are based in reality, and that I was only diagnosed by the doctor because I led him down that path.

Now when you look at that again , you can see just how that has spooked you. Caramoole asked purely out of wishing find out what was the initial trigger and what happended after that. Which you nicely answered.

Then the connection started - you made the connection between her possibly thinking it might all be true (which she wasn't) and your ongoing obsession that it might be true , which leads to all the ruminating etc. etc. - the compulsions.  

And this is how your OCD balloons, with connections across themes, and the all-embracing "what if it isn't OCD, I am bad now, not just when I was years ago etc. , 

[gingerbreadgirl]

 

Thank you Roy.

Just now, taurean said:

 I am bad now, not just when I was years ago etc. , 

My fear is that I was bad years ago.  My fear, or one of my fears, is that I was bad back then and I did something bad and it will come back and haunt me one day and I'll never know when that day will be.  and also what kind of person does it make me that that is my overriding concern?

[Gemma7]

1 minute ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

what kind of person does it make me that that is my overriding concern?

A one worried about being a bad person. A problem of worry, OCD. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

OK so what brought me to the forum originally is that there was a night, many years ago (2005) and I worry I assaulted my friend and I've been over and over and over that and I've got to a reasonably good place with that, fine.  But since then I've worried that maybe I did something on all the many other nights I can't remember, maybe I kissed a guy and he didn't want it, I did so many inappropriate things with inappropriate guys and I'm sure most of them were quite happy to, but maybe some of them weren't and I just don't know, I just don't know and I'll never be able to remember.

[Gemma7]

2 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

OK so what brought me to the forum originally is that there was a night, many years ago (2005) and I worry I assaulted my friend and I've been over and over and over that and I've got to a reasonably good place with that, fine.  But since then I've worried that maybe I did something on all the many other nights I can't remember, maybe I kissed a guy and he didn't want it, I did so many inappropriate things with inappropriate guys and I'm sure most of them were quite happy to, but maybe some of them weren't and I just don't know, I just don't know and I'll never be able to remember.

And this sounds like OCD, not what you did but how critical you're making it. You want to make sure you've not done anything bad and i want to make sure i haven't contaminated something. I can't remember, you can't remember there's no difference. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

I do see what you're saying.  And if I'd never had reason to believe my behaviour was bad, then I would agree, this is clearly OCD.  But I do have reason to believe that, it was bad, I just don't know to what extent.

what if I've ever been forceful with someone? Apart from that time in 2005 it was with guys pretty much (partly why I went off the rails with it if you see what I mean) but would it make it acceptable? No it wouldn't. I don't ever remember being forceful with anyone, ever, but I don't remember not being either. And it seems plausible.

edit: although there was one time when my friend came over to my student halls and I was totally smashed and the next day he was really funny with me and he said I'd made a drunken pass at him, and then he was never the same with me again.  Awkwardness? Maybe, but maybe more.

Edited March 16, 2018 by gingerbreadgirl

[taurean]

3 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

OK so what brought me to the forum originally is that there was a night, many years ago (2005) and I worry I assaulted my friend and I've been over and over and over that and I've got to a reasonably good place with that, fine.  But since then I've worried that maybe I did something on all the many other nights I can't remember, maybe I kissed a guy and he didn't want it, I did so many inappropriate things with inappropriate guys and I'm sure most of them were quite happy to, but maybe some of them weren't and I just don't know, I just don't know and I'll never be able to remember.

And that is absolutely typical OCD. You have to give up the need to know. Plenty of other OCD sufferers with this kind of issue were triggered by the Harvey Weinstein thing. Their brains and yours made connections and brought  in that "personalising" thinking distortion . Remember me saying with my harm OCD the OCD made connections (where there weren't actual ones) between me and films books or news stories, then alleged I could do that violent thing?

You need to put a poultice on the initial thought GBG, remind yourself of this cognitive knowledge, and refuse to give any belief when the disorder rolls out connections to you and your past, did I could I what ifs, I was bad then I might have. 

That is how I dealt with it, I  put it back in its box and snuffed out the links.. 

[Gemma7]

This is a double standard that you're living by. You don't expect or encourage other people to check their pasts for any mistake but you're doing it to yourself. You know nothing, so what are you going to do? 

[gingerbreadgirl]

3 minutes ago, taurean said:

And that is absolutely typical OCD. You have to give up the need to know. Plenty of other OCD sufferers with this kind of issue were triggered by the Harvey Weinstein thing. Their brains and yours made connections and brought  in that "personalising" thinking distortion . Remember me saying with my harm OCD the OCD made connections (where there weren't actual ones) between me and films books or news stories, then alleged I could do that violent thing?

You need to put a poultice on the initial thought GBG, remind yourself of this cognitive knowledge, and refuse to give any belief when the disorder rolls out connections to you and your past, did I could I what ifs, I was bad then I might have. 

That is how I dealt with it, I  put it back in its box and snuffed out the links.. 

I know how this sounds - I do - but, what if it isn't OCD? what if I am blocking out a real concern?

[gingerbreadgirl]

3 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

This is a double standard that you're living by. You don't expect or encourage other people to check their pasts for any mistake but you're doing it to yourself. You know nothing, so what are you going to do? 

But other people haven't done these kinds of things.

[taurean]

1 minute ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I know how this sounds - I do - but, what if it isn't OCD? what if I am blocking out a real concern?

You aren't of course - that question is asked by your OCD - same as it was with mine. I learned to see that and not connect with that question. 

[Gemma7]

2 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

But other people haven't done these kinds of things.

Of course they have. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Just now, Gemma7 said:

Of course they have. 

Nobody I knew at uni was like me.

[Isthisreality]

I don't want to be that person but because i see that you are searching reassurance do i point out that the thread which have a good question is derailing. 

 

I am confident you even know the answers to your "questions". Which really is the OCD questioning.

Edited March 16, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Gemma7]

3 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I know how this sounds - I do - but, what if it isn't OCD? what if I am blocking out a real concern?

This is how everyone with OCD thinks.

[gingerbreadgirl]

I hate it, I hate it so much, if I could have on wish it would be to go back in time and just completely do that part of my life differently, totally differently, it is such a huge huge regret and I don't think I'll ever stop regretting it.

[Gemma7]

1 minute ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Nobody I knew at uni was like me.

That’s not many people and this is an argument that you're using to justify torturing yourself over it. 

[Gemma7]

I feel for you GBG, but there's loads of people like you. I'd change mistakes I've made, who wouldn't?

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

(slightly anxious about you asking that question if I'm honest!)

No need to be,  I was just checking before I commented.

But for the moment you need to use your knowledge to stop this "tailspin" from turning into that row of domino's

[taurean]

Lost and I go with the serenity prayer - she quoted it in another thread yesterday I think it was.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference. 

You need to do what I did, faced with OCD false connections and personalisation. I ignored it, saw it for the fakery it was, escaped from that rabbit hole and am moseying along nicely, all the better for using the cognitive knowledge of how OCD works.  

[gingerbreadgirl]

I appreciate all your posts, thank you x

[Franklin12]

Have you ever gone the ‘full fear’ with this obsession? Just given in and assumed it’s true, given up trying to fight it? Incidentally there is no straightforward dichotomy between a true thought and an OCD thought. OCD is where your thoughts spiral out of control. Most of mine are based in some kind of truth, but that get more and more warped. You need to get to a place where your OCD isn’t convincing you that a drunken pass is a crime. It isn’t. When you’re past this episode you still won’t know all the details of what happened but you won’t care about knowing. 

[lostinme]

10 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

I feel for you GBG, but there's loads of people like you. I'd change mistakes I've made, who wouldn't?

GBG try to listen to the great advice off Gemma and Roy   We have all made mistakes and if we had the chance again I think we would all change them  I’ve done things I’m not proud of either  but it’s life and we all make mistakes  try a little self forgiveness, you are not a bad person  it’s just the OCD