Compulsions. Feel so guilty.

[Running Lover]

I remember when my child now an adult was small climbing all over me I would avoid it at all costs. Literally hiding my privates was so scared they would touch them and the dreaded response would happen. I would even sit with things over my lap or carry bags around in front of me so not to come in to unwanted contact. One day he was sat next to me and leaned with his hand on my privates to get up. I was horrified I felt like I pushed my bits nearer to his hand and had a sensation I didn’t like ( I now know was ocd) i was so worried about it I stupidly checked. 

Edited March 17, 2018 by Running Lover

[Isthisreality]

You will not recover if you do compulsions

[Running Lover]

That’s my problem though. I should have never carried out the compulsions in the first place. I didn’t know it was ocd so I felt compelled to check if I had done anything wrong. I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t know anything about ocd at this time and I was very very ill 

[Isthisreality]

You are doing compulsions at this very moment.  I am not talking about yesterday, the day before or 15 years ago.

 

You need to stop feeding it

[Running Lover]

I know but what I’m trying to say is the compulsions I carried out many years ago where not right. I shouldn’t have done it but I was so so caught up I couldn’t see. I honestly believed I had to check to see if I had done anything wrong because I had never even heard of ocd and I was terrified to talk to anyone about it. I can’t be the only person who has carried out compulsions of this nature yet I have searched and searched and can’t fond anything 

[Isthisreality]

You are not the first human with OCD who think and FEEL that way.

Sorry edited like crazy

Edited March 17, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Running Lover]

I just feel like I can’t live with the guilt. I’ve tortured myself for years about my ocd. Part of me thinks I should say well you were very ill and couldn’t help the way you have been. That’s on a good day. I didn’t ask for this awful illness it chose me. Then on a bad day like today I resort to feeling like the worst person on the planet. Having a lot of feelings about going to hell for things ( compulsions ) I did whilst under the horrific spell of ocd 

[Isthisreality]

Yes yes it sounds like OCD, it really do. You apparently have OCD

The sad truth is that it will probably stay if you power it up. I know you are feeling awful and it sucks in every possibly way, but if you want to recover do you need to stop analyzing, searching and do every other compulsions of yours. You need to feel that anxiety you have now. 
 

The OCD is just as smart as you are because it comes from your own brain, so you can't outsmart it. 

Edited March 17, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Running Lover]

What I’m saying is the compulsions I carried out are not normal and really shouldn’t have done. Do I still try and forget about them? Even though they are wrong 

[Isthisreality]

4 minutes ago, Running Lover said:

What I’m saying is the compulsions I carried out are not normal and really shouldn’t have done. Do I still try and forget about them? Even though they are wrong 

The thing is that the OCD will always tell you that. It wouldn't make any sense at all if it told you "this thought is not real, but hey could you please think about it anyway"

Edited March 17, 2018 by Isthisreality

[ineedahug]

1 hour ago, Running Lover said:

That’s my problem though. I should have never carried out the compulsions in the first place. I didn’t know it was ocd so I felt compelled to check if I had done anything wrong. I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t know anything about ocd at this time and I was very very ill 

I am facing the same dilemma (just made a post about it).   It's easy enough to not respond to obsessions alone since they are just thoughts that we can't control, but what about all the bad that might come from doing a compulsion we shouldn't have done? It could have been controlled! It could have been stopped, but it wasn't.  Are we just supposed to accept that? If so, how can we simultaneously accept compulsions and also avoid them at all costs? 

[Running Lover]

Yes. I’m so confused. I understand that left untreated people with ocd ( especially when they don’t know they have it ) will carry out compulsions. Which is EXACTLY what I did. I didn’t realise I was doing it because I didn’t know I had ocd so they only way I knew to check if everything was okay was to reinact what had just happened ( does that make sense? ). I was checking to see if what had just happened was okay. Not for any personal gratification it repulsed me and terrified me. 

[PolarBear]

How long are you going to beat yourself up over a minor thing from years and years ago? For goodness sake you didn't kill anyone. Even then I've seen murderers who have completely forgiven themselves.

You are focused on what happened years ago. You should be focused on what is happening now. Your mind has become fixated on that minor thing and blown its importance all out of proportion. You make it so much worse by doing compulsions, notably ruminating. Because you keep it top of mind with your compulsions, you feel guilt. And over what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Refuse to ruminate over this. Refuse to get drawn in when the thoughts strike. This is OCD 101 but you aren't realizing that you're in an OCD spell right now.

[Running Lover]

Well I don’t think it is minor. Placing a hand in that part and applying pressure to check you didn’t do anything wrong isn’t minor. And it happens more than once. I was trying to prove I had done nothing wrong. Which I hadn’t as it turned out but I shouldn’t have place the hand there to check 

[PolarBear]

So you did nothing wrong but checking that you did nothing wrong was wrong. Sort of twisted logic isn't it?

The reason this doesn't seem minor to you right now is because you keep it alive with compulsions. I'll bet you ruminate over it long and hard and often. All that does it keep it top of mind where it will bother you. Same as with all OCD sufferers. It's a common trait. 

[Running Lover]

Well what happened is I got what I now know is a female groinal response to which I was utterly horrified. I didn’t know what to do a partly thought I had triggered it in some way as if I was in control. I didn’t understand it at all I was young and suffering terribly. I couldn’t accept what had happened and worried that much about it I had to check it was okay. Am I making any sense ? I know it’s very odd but I thought by checking that was the right thing to do 

[Running Lover]

Can anyone help? I don’t know what to do 

[PolarBear]

What you do is nothing. You don't have to figure this out. You are allowed to leave this alone. You can think whatever, and get in with your day.

[Running Lover]

But I’ve acted inappropriately. I just didn’t realise that’s what I was doing for years. Have can I even begin to forgive myself. I really honestly was so messed up I didn’t know what else to do but to check. My family said it’s no different to people who check doors or check cleanliness. You think you are doing the right thing. I had to check the feeling was okay and I hadn’t done anything wrong. I never even heard of groinal response until recently. On one hand I was relieved but then it made me worry that I shouldn’t have been checking. That’s where I’ve gone seriously wrong. I can’t be the only person with this form of ocd that has done this? 

[PolarBear]

So how long are you going to punish yourself for this? A week? A month? Twn years?

Forgive and move on. It's not written anywhere that your life should stop and you should punish yourself.

[Running Lover]

It’s already been nearly 20 years

[Isthisreality]

And you are not doing anything to change it. So it will just go on and on and on. 

And maybe the fact that you have gone 20 years with such thoughts make you understand how hard it is to change. But that is what you need to face to change. If you sit with the anxiety for a while will you stop wasting your time

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, Running Lover said:

It’s already been nearly 20 years

Don't you think that's enough?

Would you advocate your mother, your sister, your daughter, your best friend punish themselves for 20 years over some supposed wrongdoing?