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Struggling so so much


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2 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

The answer is you treat it like OCD anyway despite the doubt, and then in time you get clarity.  What do you have to lose? Really? x

Exactly. The clarity comes when we keep doing what I said above, and the intrusions, connections and compulsive urges gradually fade away. 

The testimony of many, including me, explains that. 

We have to first believe, even when our - distorted - brain is telling us something different. That is the initial change we must make. 

Edited by taurean
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10 hours ago, Saz said:

I know im no different to anyone else on and ocd forum and im no different in terms of advice that is specifically for ocd...but what if its not ocd. 

Here's the thing. As OCD sufferers we consistently question, worry, stress and ruminate because we want to be sure that what we are obsessing about is OCD and not us. 

We get told time and time again that what we are going through is OCD. 

But, if say we went to see a doctor and we were diagnosed with cancer (for example) would we persistenly question that diagnoses? 

 

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It's one of the big hooks of OCD - alleging that it isn't OCD and telling the sufferer to prove that it is. 

I never experienced it with my OCD - it doesn't seem to effect everybody. 

But it is frequently showing up on the forum, so much so it might beg the question "if you are experiencing thoughts that it might not be OCD, then that in itself is maybe indicative of you actually suffering at this time from a manifestation of OCD" :)

 

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Thanks all. Sorry for not responding larter on yesterday. I do think its slightly harder (for me personally)  when the theme is of a false memory nature. I AM NOT saying mine is worse, i just mean its how I feel about it. 

I don't have anything to lose but at the same time i feel i do. Why do i feel like this and why have I for such a long time? I know i haven't helped myself too much but I have tried to. 

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At some point you're just going to have to decide to treat this as OCD even with all these doubts and fears - the fact that we may only think it's OCD because you're posting on an OCD forum, the fact that you felt anxious immediately after rather than years later, the fact that the consequences would be so severe if true... all these things, all these doubts and uncertainties, at some point you will have to take the reckless and careless and downright irresponsible decision to just think, "heck, I'll treat this as OCD anyway, I will go out on a limb and take this horrible risk even though I could be ignoring something real and terrifying."

And at some point down the line, after you've made this horrible and scary decision and TRULY stuck with it, no matter what your brain throws at you, then I reckon at some point, you will think "wow that was so silly, I can't believe I was so worried about that".  And you will no longer care about it.  It seems impossible to believe right now, which is why you have to put the cart before the horse.

Or maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe you won't feel better, because it's a real fear.  Maybe I am seeing it as OCD because it's an OCD forum.  That's something you're going to have to find out.

Because the alternative is a miserable wasted life spent in fear over this, and you'll get to your deathbed and lie there and think "I wish I hadn't spent all those years on this."

I know this sounds incredibly harsh but you really really really need to just make the decision to change, to really change.  Despite you saying you have put the work in, I think if you're really honest you have done so while also holding out for certainty, that this is definitely OCD, and nobody can give you that.  It is terrifying, yes, but you have to let go of needing to know for sure.

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21 hours ago, Saz said:

Its so hard lost :(

It’s not easy Saz learning to change the way we percieve our thoughts and changing the way we react to them, but persevere, don’t give up , one day something will just click with you and slowly you will start to make small changes :yes: x

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4 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Or maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe you won't feel better, because it's a real fear.  Maybe I am seeing it as OCD because it's an OCD forum.  That's something you're going to have to find out.

Exactly 

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11 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

exactly what...? This is the same as it is for every single person on this forum.

I don't want to sound like a broken record gbg, its too annoying for people x

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Take a look at what Zazoo is saying Saz. He has been applying what he has been told to do. 

You need to be doing this - not going round and round giving belief to intrusions, allowing connections and personalisations. 

All strengthen our disorder, make us worse. 

When you have an intrusion, don't respond - it's an unwanted intrusion, you just leave it be. 

A connection, a personalisation?  Don't give them meaning. 

Instead, get refocused and involved on something else. 

You will fail sometimes - ok, don't beat yourself up. 

Just start the process again. And again. Until the normal response is to see these things for what they are, and they will lose power and frequency. 

 

 

Edited by taurean
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Take that panic and let it motivate you to get rid of this anxiety once and for all, to be free of it, once and for all.  To really REALLY put the work in and let go of your need for certainty, let go of the need to know for sure.  I promise you there is a route out of this but you have to really commit to it.  You can't swim across the ocean with one hand still on the shore. 

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And beneath the storm waves on the surface of the ocean lies calm.

It's the same with our distressing thoughts - they are on the surface of our minds, in central focus - but beneath we have calm. By staying strong, not panicking, not giving meaning to triggers we can ride the storm and find the calm beneath. 

My wife asked me last night why I hadn't panicked when she was so seriously ill. 

I replied that I had total faith,total belief in what the doctors were telling me. 

And getting anxious, slipping maybe into OCD, would certainly have not helped me nurse my wife, run the home, and carry on unpacking and dumping and recycling. 

Whether illness is physical, or mental, I think we need to place our trust in experienced professionals - and refuse to panic. 

Edited by taurean
typo
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Hi Saz.  I don't think that this thread is helping really other than providing you with momentary comfort and an opportunity to ask for reassurance and the fruitless search for the certainty that you  crave.

There are some excellent replies, solid advice and many variations of explanation and analogies, in the hope that something will resonate with you.  I can't think there are many more ways to provide an explanation which will "click" and that isn't simply offering reassurance.

If you click on your profile you can find your topics with lots of advice available.  However, my advice would be not to do that as I feel it would probably be used in a similar way as Googling for information.  It is probable that your therapist would recommend that you ditch other methods whilst you are undergoing therapy and stick with her recommendations.

It's a time for "doing"now Saz and that lays with you.  You can't have the answers you crave, as GBG says, you have to now put the cart before the horse.  There's nothing to be gained by trying to use a method that simply won't work.

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5 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Hi Saz.  I don't think that this thread is helping really other than providing you with momentary comfort and an opportunity to ask for reassurance and the fruitless search for the certainty that you  crave.

There are some excellent replies, solid advice and many variations of explanation and analogies, in the hope that something will resonate with you.  I can't think there are many more ways to provide an explanation which will "click" and that isn't simply offering reassurance.

If you click on your profile you can find your topics with lots of advice available.  However, my advice would be not to do that as I feel it would probably be used in a similar way as Googling for information.  It is probable that your therapist would recommend that you ditch other methods whilst you are undergoing therapy and stick with her recommendations.

It's a time for "doing"now Saz and that lays with you.  You can't have the answers you crave, as GBG says, you have to now put the cart before the horse.  There's nothing to be gained by trying to use a method that simply won't work.

Agree with you all. Im going to try not to post. Thanks for your good advice as always  x

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Thank you lost, thanks EVERYONE on this thread. Apologies again for not replying to individual replies to me. I hope nobody thinks I don't care about their advice or anything, I always read everyone's post, I just find things hard time wise with the kids and work and even though I have every intention of replying, I don't always have the time. 

I just wanted to let you all know that I had a really good cbt session today, it was pretty full on, I done some exposure work and it all got a bit emotional. The only thing is my dads uncle has suddenly taken ill and the drs don't think he will last much longer and also I have been to the Dr's and they have found some small lumps in my tummy, face and I didn't mention this but I did find one in my breast a few months ago and the dr said he could see why i went because he could feel it himself but that it was just 'grizzle' in his opinion. I think my minds doing over time because I have been having issues with my back and legs. If its not one thing its another. So anyway having a full blood works done tomorrow x

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19 minutes ago, Saz said:

Thank you lost, thanks EVERYONE on this thread. Apologies again for not replying to individual replies to me. I hope nobody thinks I don't care about their advice or anything, I always read everyone's post, I just find things hard time wise with the kids and work and even though I have every intention of replying, I don't always have the time. 

I just wanted to let you all know that I had a really good cbt session today, it was pretty full on, I done some exposure work and it all got a bit emotional. The only thing is my dads uncle has suddenly taken ill and the drs don't think he will last much longer and also I have been to the Dr's and they have found some small lumps in my tummy, face and I didn't mention this but I did find one in my breast a few months ago and the dr said he could see why i went because he could feel it himself but that it was just 'grizzle' in his opinion. I think my minds doing over time because I have been having issues with my back and legs. If its not one thing its another. So anyway having a full blood works done tomorrow x

Hi saz, I’m  really pleased to hear your cbt went well, but a bit emotional ? but this does happen sometimes :yes: I think we have all been there on our journey, it’s not that surprising really when we are working at facing our worst fears :(

Im so sorry to hear about your dads uncle, it’s a difficult time when someone we love are taken ill, my thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time. 

Its good you plucked up the courage to go to the doctors saz, it’s always important to check any lumps we find on our bodies, I think you should have told him about the one on your breast though :yes: but at least your having bloods taken. Let’s hope they come back good and it’s nothing to worry about x 

 

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12 hours ago, lostinme said:

Hi saz, I’m  really pleased to hear your cbt went well, but a bit emotional ? but this does happen sometimes :yes: I think we have all been there on our journey, it’s not that surprising really when we are working at facing our worst fears :(

Im so sorry to hear about your dads uncle, it’s a difficult time when someone we love are taken ill, my thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time. 

Its good you plucked up the courage to go to the doctors saz, it’s always important to check any lumps we find on our bodies, I think you should have told him about the one on your breast though :yes: but at least your having bloods taken. Let’s hope they come back good and it’s nothing to worry about x 

 

Morning Lost and thank you for your support. 

I just need to clarify that i when i said I didn't mention the breast lump, i meant i didn't mention it on here to you guys as I didn't want yous thinking oh here we go again lol. I did tell my dr about this breast lump a few months back and he felt it and said it feels like grizzle to him. I mentioned it agsin yesterday to a different dr (was just supposed to be going with conjunctivitis!) just with me having found a tummy lump and one just above my jaw line. The dr confirmed she could feel the lumps and that in her opinion they are lipomas i think she said... Although I'm  not convinced about the one in the breast as that feels deeper.... Anyway i shouldn't go on about all my health issues....although had to now cancel my bloods and reschedule for tomorrow as been in a and e till 5.00am with my eldest girl. Took her to the walk in centre and because of her observations told me to take her straight there! Not entirely sure how im going to make it through today but im sure its going to involve a ridiculous amount of coffee and a pair of sunglasses to hide my poorly eyes!! 

So all in all gutted a bit that a good therapy session has been overshadowed by some other issues but I guess thats just life... Roll on the next session, onwards and upwards x

Edited by Saz
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It’s nice to hear you’ve still got a bit of positivity in your thread, given the on going issues you’ve got going on at the moment, which is great :yes:

Unfortunately life as a tendency of pulling the rug from beneath our feet, just as we’ve learnt to stand, but that’s life, upsetting at times though I might say :(

So sorry to hear about your daughter, is she ok ? How’s your uncle doing? x

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7 hours ago, lostinme said:

It’s nice to hear you’ve still got a bit of positivity in your thread, given the on going issues you’ve got going on at the moment, which is great :yes:

Unfortunately life as a tendency of pulling the rug from beneath our feet, just as we’ve learnt to stand, but that’s life, upsetting at times though I might say :(

So sorry to hear about your daughter, is she ok ? How’s your uncle doing? x

Thanks lost x My uncle isn't expected to live much longer, which is really sad but my daughter seems to be ok, she just seema quite run down but fingers crossed that she picks up soon. Hope you are ok too x 

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5 minutes ago, Saz said:

Thanks lost x My uncle isn't expected to live much longer, which is really sad but my daughter seems to be ok, she just seema quite run down but fingers crossed that she picks up soon. Hope you are ok too x 

Oh bless saz it must be a difficult time for you and your family at the moment  :( my thoughts are with you all. 

Really glad to hear that your daughter is ok :yes: it’s terrible when we are run down, it seems that we seem to attract every little bug that’s going, quite often I get covered in awful cold sores as well, which I might say are an awful mess :( but we can’t help it :no: let’s hope she feels back to her normal self soon :yes: 

Im not bad thank you, I’ve had my ups and downs recently, but I’m feeling much better than I was and I’m working through things slowly :yes: x 

 

 

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13 hours ago, lostinme said:

Oh bless saz it must be a difficult time for you and your family at the moment  :( my thoughts are with you all. 

Really glad to hear that your daughter is ok :yes: it’s terrible when we are run down, it seems that we seem to attract every little bug that’s going, quite often I get covered in awful cold sores as well, which I might say are an awful mess :( but we can’t help it :no: let’s hope she feels back to her normal self soon :yes: 

Im not bad thank you, I’ve had my ups and downs recently, but I’m feeling much better than I was and I’m working through things slowly :yes: x 

 

 

Glad you are feeling better lost and working through things. This nice weather helps I think too, just love the sunshine. 

Yes everyone seems to be run down here... Coldsores are something else I suffer with too when run down or ironically when im healthy and getting my vit d from the sunshine - the sun seems to cause them too for me. 

Can feel myself a little more anxious today but just going to soldier on. Hope you have a lovely day x

 

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9 hours ago, Saz said:

Glad you are feeling better lost and working through things. This nice weather helps I think too, just love the sunshine. 

Yes everyone seems to be run down here... Coldsores are something else I suffer with too when run down or ironically when im healthy and getting my vit d from the sunshine - the sun seems to cause them too for me. 

Can feel myself a little more anxious today but just going to soldier on. Hope you have a lovely day x

 

Yes it’s been a glorious few days, sadly I’ve spent most of it inside though :( but I’m hoping to go out tomorrow :yes:

Youve got double the trouble in summer then :( luckily the sun doesn’t affect me, I only get them when I’m run down :yes:

Hope your feeling a little better tonight :) I have had a good day thanks, I’ve finished the pantry at last and now I’m ready to refill it :) but not tonight :lol: I’m resting up for a while, it’s been a hectic few days, so recliner out, feet up and chocolate to hand :lol:

 

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