Struggling so so much

[Saz]

I am really really struggling. I don't know what more to say. Being  hit by lots of pieces of what I see as evidence. 

[Rox]

I’m sorry you’re struggling. Sending you virtual hugs xxxx

[Isthisreality]

Evidence you say. Is this evidence=thoughts?

[gingerbreadgirl]

evidence that would stand up in a court of law?

or evidence that comes from your mind?

[Saz]

My behaviour afterwards, I acted like a guilty person, a person who knew they had done something wrong. X

[Saz]

38 minutes ago, Rox said:

I’m sorry you’re struggling. Sending you virtual hugs xxxx

Thank you x

[gingerbreadgirl]

Do you think that would stand up in a court of law?

[PolarBear]

Oh Saz. You've brought us evidence so many times and it all turns out to be rubbish. You've never produced one shred of evidence that your intrusive thoughts are true. We tell you that, you go away for a time, then you come back with more so called evidence.

Round and round you go. What can you do differently this time? I know you've already ruminated on this but you could let it go, refuse to consider it anymore.

[lostinme]

Oh bless you saz, you need to let it go flower  it just causes you so much torment  I havnt ruminated for a few months now and to be honest it’s the best thing ever did, I have some head space and freedom to feel free to actually watch tv etc and not just stare at it  come on saz be kind to yourself, you can do this x 

[taurean]

When you get an intrusion - and dragging you back to then carry out the compulsion of trying to remember is an  intrusion - recognise you are doing so, stop ✋ doing so and refocus onto something else. 

Do this each time your mind tries to drag you into connecting with, giving meaning to, that intrusion. 

 

[Caramoole]

I'll send you a  first Saz cos I know how hard this is for you BUT.......

As GBG says, you're in a court of Law, will the evidence stand up?  As PB suggests we represent a cross-section of society aka The Jury....at every trial and re-trial over the last few years the jury has found you innocent!

What are you doing differently to challenge this?  You'll never solve this your way, it's time for a change of tactic.

[Saz]

Thanks everyone. I have read your replies, if it's OK can I reply to the questions tomorrow? I'm just really tired at the moment and not in a great frame of mind. Hope everyone had a nice weekend and are feeling better than me x

[Orwell1984]

Massive hugs to you Saz. It's just OCD fighting back xxx this happens, but you're winning the war  have a good rest X

[Saz]

On 18/03/2018 at 22:40, Orwell1984 said:

Massive hugs to you Saz. It's just OCD fighting back xxx this happens, but you're winning the war  have a good rest X

Thanks Orwell. Hope you are ok x

So sorry for late reply everyone. Just had zero energy to reply, I think my mind is really tired from all the worries I have. 

On 18/03/2018 at 00:44, Caramoole said:

I'll send you a  first Saz cos I know how hard this is for you BUT.......

As GBG says, you're in a court of Law, will the evidence stand up?  As PB suggests we represent a cross-section of society aka The Jury....at every trial and re-trial over the last few years the jury has found you innocent!

What are you doing differently to challenge this?  You'll never solve this your way, it's time for a change of tactic.

I think I'm really trying hard to not pay any attention to it all, and I mean genuinely pay it no attention, not push it away or anything. I have noticed I'm more anxious after my sessions. My therapist is confident I had an earlier trigger when around 8 that brought on ocd. Remember I said about repeating prayers when I was around that age, maybe a bit older. She thinks it's to do with feeling bad/being told off (even for something minor) and what's happened is I've developed ocd from that point possibly. All I could tell her was that I had happy childhood but that I was a pretty sensitive child. She told me not to get bogged down by the trigger and thwt possibly there may not be one. 

Got massively triggered by a new article today about a priest

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Saz,

I know how triggering these kinds of articles can be but it's really, really important to try not to respond to them.  I actually avoided all sources of news completely for a while when things were really intense a few months ago.  I don't know if that was the right thing to do (avoidance, yes) but I do think it gave me a bit of breathing space when I wasn't in the frame of mind to be able to deal with them productively.  Then when I went back to the news, I was very careful to not respond to these kinds of news articles.  So I would glance, perhaps read them - as with any other news article - but I was careful not to ruminate or analyse or respond in any way.  Just note the rise in anxiety, and then move onto something else.

I am quite sure that every time you see a triggering article you think 'OMG OMG OMG' and respond in dozens of ways - what does this mean? This person was guilty, does it mean I am? etc. etc.  This is keeping your mind stuck in the "THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT" realm and it is keeping you stuck.  You need to resist the urge to engage.

 

[Caramoole]

4 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I don't know if that was the right thing to do (avoidance, yes) but I do think it gave me a bit of breathing space when I wasn't in the frame of mind to be able to deal with them productively.

I suppose there's a fine line between avoidance and deciding if the news item is something that we need to read or know about.  So much in the papers aren't things that are necessary to read about or certainly read in full.  Consider what are the benefits, what is it we need to really know....and that doesn't necessarily indicate avoidance.  Although I can read them....I don't need to know every awful, graphic detail about a murder case say....how/why would it benefit me?  Often the headline and outcome are all I may need to know and I happily skip over the rest.

In Saz's case there is probably a huge case of checking, of drawing comparisons and to ignore would be tougher (because it's a compulsion) than an avoidance.  For Saz I would recommend resisting the urge to check out these articles right now.

[taurean]

10 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

I suppose there's a fine line between avoidance and deciding if the news item is something that we need to read or know about.  So much in the papers aren't things that are necessary to read about or certainly read in full.  Consider what are the benefits, what is it we need to really know....and that doesn't necessarily indicate avoidance.  Although I can read them....I don't need to know every awful, graphic detail about a murder case say....how/why would it benefit me?  Often the headline and outcome are all I may need to know and I happily skip over the rest.

In Saz's case there is probably a huge case of checking, of drawing comparisons and to ignore would be tougher (because it's a compulsion) than an avoidance.  For Saz I would recommend resisting the urge to check out these articles right now.

This is spot on Caramoole. 

As Saz knows, and I think so may you, I share this issue with her of personalisation of news stories.

What you describe is more or less how I dealt with it, the main ERP work coming in phases when I felt strong enough to carry it out. 

I am doing fine now, and read the newspapers every day, the Internet news streams watch TV news and listen to radio news when I so desire, without connecting. 

It can be done Saz, CBT techniques work but may need deferring a little while when we aren't strong enough to carry them out. 

[Saz]

Thanks everyone and sorry I'm not replying to everyone's individual posts. I always appreciate each and every response I get. 

Yes I'll probably not read that sort of stuff for now. I think the therapist wants me to do exposure working together with her first, which makes sense. 

I feel I've been doing OK. The sertraline has taken the edge off but then I worry that it's just numbing down or blocking the true facts. Can anyone relate to this? Also the main thing that keeps playing on my mind is all the massive compulsions I done soon after the wedding to check because I felt it were true. When I get these thoughts they produce the fight or flight panic in me. I hate it. 

[Saz]

Not meaning to bump this. Can anyone help with the above please? X

I just feel like my intrusive thought/false memory is an actual flash back. In a completely separate conversation(nothing to do with me) my friend said yesterday she had a flashback a couple days after a night out of speaking to this guy and that she originally just hadn't remembered it. This absolutely terrifies me. How do we know the difference between real flashbacks and made up ones, I can't get my head around that. 

[Isthisreality]

So you are engaging in it. It will only keep you in.

[taurean]

You don't need to Saz. 

What you need to do is not connect with any of these attempted connections back to the issue. If they pop into mind, leave them be!

You just keep carrying on doing that, giving them meaning - connecting with them - and that keeps making the whole issue stronger. 

Believe me, this is what we all have to do, whatever the theme. And if we keep on doing it, the triggers and connections begin to weaken. 

[Caramoole]

Saz, you're carrying out compulsions here even if you don't recognise that you are.

You're seeking reassurance.  You're checking.  You're looking for certainty.  You're ruminating and going over this.

You have to learn to recognise that this is what you're doing.

Answer me (and yourself) honestly, what information did you want when you made the last couple of posts?  What was the outcome you wanted? 

[Saz]

2 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Saz, you're carrying out compulsions here even if you don't recognise that you are.

You're seeking reassurance.  You're checking.  You're looking for certainty.  You're ruminating and going over this.

You have to learn to recognise that this is what you're doing.

Answer me (and yourself) honestly, what information did you want when you made the last couple of posts?  What was the outcome you wanted? 

I just want to know how to tell the difference between a real flash back and a false one I'm sorry. 

[Isthisreality]

1 minute ago, Saz said:

I just want to know how to tell the difference between a real flash back and a false one I'm sorry. 

And the only thing which will come from this wish is  more and more OCD. That i can promise you

[Caramoole]

2 minutes ago, Saz said:

I just want to know how to tell the difference between a real flash back and a false one I'm sorry. 

What you're really looking for is certainty, reassurance that you can be certain that this is an intrusion not a flashback = A compulsion

4 minutes ago, Saz said:

I'm sorry. 

No need for an apology Saz, no-one is criticising or telling you off.  I simply want you to start questioning yourself and identifying when what you're asking is a compulsion or not.

e'g: "Why am I asking this question, what is it I'm hoping to find out?"

      " I'm hoping that someone will tell me the difference between a real flashback and a false one"

      "Why?"

      "So that I can feel absolutely certain that this is false (OCD) and not a real flashback"

= Reassurance, checking, need for certainty, rumination (examining and thinking about it)  These are all compulsions Saz, the things you have to work towards not doing but in order to do that you have to learn to identify what you're doing first.  That's why I suggest stopping when you get the urge to ask, ask yourself a series of questions about what information you hope to receive and why.  If you ask a series of questions like above you can start to see the pattern of compulsions