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Ocd back with vengeance


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Hello all. 

The last 12 weeks ive been in intensive therapy for my ocd. This therapy was 4 full days a week. 

But last weekend, right after my last week of therapy, i did something stupid which has made my ocd flare up like crazy. 

I went out with some friends and had some drinks, but before i knew i had drank waaay to much, en the next day day ik woke up in my bed with no memory of the festival at all. 

This caused my ocd to go nuts and made me think i might have attacked people or anything similar. 

I then contacted a friend of mine to ask what happened and he said i was  being very touchy to other woman, but more in the sense of teasing them, i would touch there hair and ask for a kiss on my cheek. He even said i sort of pulled their hair as a way of teasing them. 

Know that i am married, and that one of my biggest ocd themes is cheating or hurting others. After hearing this from my friend who was pretty intoxicated himself to btw. I immediately went into panic mode, i now feel and believe i molested other woman and that i should be put in jail. 

In normal life i know for 1000% certain i would never do such things, looking for attention from other woman, especially not touching them in any way. 

I immediately confessedbit all to my wife, who really did not care about it. She said she does not mind any of it because she knows i only love her. 

Ive spoken to my therapist this morning about what happened but i cannot seem to calm down. Ive been googling this whole morning words like [ teasing, hair pulling, asking for kisses, etc etc] and iven started googling #metoo because i want to know if what i did could be placed under that subject. 

 

How can i recover from this? My biggest fear is that i migjt hurt anyone or do anything to be considered a monster and need to go to jail. 

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Look, this is really simple. You got an intrusive thought and instead of leaving it alone you reverted to doing compulsions. Talking to your friend about that night was a compulsion. Googling that stuff was a compulsion. Sitting there trying to remember is a compulsion. Confessing to your wife was a compulsion.

Compulsions dont work. They only make your situation worse. I'm sure you'll agree that you feel worse now that you've done all these compulsions.

Stop them. Flat out, stop them. You should have learned all about compulsions in therapy. You should know to recognize when you're about to do them.

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16 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Look, this is really simple. You got an intrusive thought and instead of leaving it alone you reverted to doing compulsions. Talking to your friend about that night was a compulsion. Googling that stuff was a compulsion. Sitting there trying to remember is a compulsion. Confessing to your wife was a compulsion.

Compulsions dont work. They only make your situation worse. I'm sure you'll agree that you feel worse now that you've done all these compulsions.

Stop them. Flat out, stop them. You should have learned all about compulsions in therapy. You should know to recognize when you're about to do them.

I know these are compulsions and you are right.

Its just that ive been trying to better myself as a person trough the last 6 - 7 years (which i recently found out probably also has been a compulsion). but i just dont want to be a bad person.

And since what happened last saturday, and a friend of mine telling me i touched other people (womans) hair and that i might have tugged or pulled it a bit, just gives me horror thoughts. i see these images of me hurting other woman and dragging them to the ground, altough my friend says i was just teasing and being play-like. but somehow i just cannot seem to move past this thing especially because i cannot recall myself what happend.

I have learned in the past 12 weeks that this uncertain feeling is something i should accept and 'endure'. but i feel as if this one might be there for life and wont go away (typical OCD thought btw).

You see i know alot how my OCD works, but i still feel very anxious and sometimes even panic sets in.

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Hi ironborn,

Sorry to hear you're struggling with this.  I have/have had very similar fears to this and alcohol/hazy memory really feeds into it - "I can't remember not doing something really terrible so I can't be sure I didn't."  This is such a ripe feeding ground for OCD.

The answer is what you already know - which is to leave it alone, sit with the uncertainty, stop ruminating/reassurance-seeking/combing over your memories/asking friends etc etc. Obviously this is easier said than done. 

5 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

i feel as if this one might be there for life

You feel like this right now because you are so focused on this issue.  But in time it will fade if you stop giving it ammunition.

It's such a crappy illness and I know how you must be feeling right now, the desperation to solve it, to find out for sure - but you can never do that, not to the satisfaction of OCD.  The only answer is to stop trying.

Good luck.

GBG x

 

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1 minute ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi ironborn,

Sorry to hear you're struggling with this.  I have/have had very similar fears to this and alcohol/hazy memory really feeds into it - "I can't remember not doing something really terrible so I can't be sure I didn't."  This is such a ripe feeding ground for OCD.

The answer is what you already know - which is to leave it alone, sit with the uncertainty, stop ruminating/reassurance-seeking/combing over your memories/asking friends etc etc. Obviously this is easier said than done. 

You feel like this right now because you are so focused on this issue.  But in time it will fade if you stop giving it ammunition.

It's such a crappy illness and I know how you must be feeling right now, the desperation to solve it, to find out for sure - but you can never do that, not to the satisfaction of OCD.  The only answer is to stop trying.

Good luck.

GBG x

 

Thank you so much gingerbreadgirl for the quick response.

Yes this illness is very crappy. its the hardest thing i have ever had to go trough in my life.

OCD even becomes more difficult when it goes and latch itself onto things that really happened or sort of happened. because we all make mistakes (i guess) and those mistakes are the perfect environment for OCD to tell you you are a bad person or in my case a monster.

On the other hand if this was true why would i feel so much guilt in general. Why would i have so much empathy for other people and living creatures? a real monster would not feel such things right? 

And that is where the conflict inside of me goes about. How can i be ok as a person while sometimes making mistakes that might cause a little bit to maybe more harm to other living creatures including humans. I guess that media also feeds OCD in the way that all you see on  tv, internet, facebook etc etc is how we people should behave and what is right or wrong. I see my OCD as the combined opinions of all those people around the globe. no matter what you think, say or do there will always be someone who thinks that is not ok. and the fact that even one person on this earth might feel this way is unbearable for my OCD.

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4 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

 a real monster would not feel such things right? 
 

I go through these thought processes a lot but it is reassurance-seeking and unanswerable.  I tie myself in absolute knots over these kinds of questions but they are just going to get you more and more stuck.  It is a labyrinth with no exit. Don't go in the labyrinth!

6 minutes ago, Ironborn said:


And that is where the conflict inside of me goes about. How can i be ok as a person while sometimes making mistakes that might cause a little bit to maybe more harm to other living creatures including humans. I guess that media also feeds OCD in the way that all you see on  tv, internet, facebook etc etc is how we people should behave and what is right or wrong. I see my OCD as the combined opinions of all those people around the globe. no matter what you think, say or do there will always be someone who thinks that is not ok. and the fact that even one person on this earth might feel this way is unbearable for my OCD.

Again this is all just rumination.  Where you say "this way is unbearable for my OCD" -  this feeling will fade in time but you must stop giving it ammunition.  I know how hard this is because I am going through similar but rumination will NEVER ever ever ever get you any closer to an answer, it will just make you doubt it more and more.

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