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Is this OCD or maybe depression or both ?


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Hello all!

Ive been fighting OCD, Depression, and general anxiety for quite some years now right now im 30 years old and ive been having these issues for at least 6 - 7 years now.

My depression has been away for quite some times, but sometimes sort of pops up again. 

I went trough a 12 week program recently (2 weeks ago it ended). en those 12 weeks were for my OCD. i went 4 whole days a week x 12 into groups therapy, and have learned alot to cope with my OCD. 

But now since im 'free' again, ive signed up for a new job, quit my previous one (because of my contract that expires soon). and these last 12 weeks also gave me alot of stress and im pretty tired from it. 

Right now im having 2 weeks off to get my head cleared from the 12 weeks and the 16th of april im starting my new job which in the first period will be 2 days a week.

Now the issue here is; since a couple of days ive been feeling this urge to constantly cry again, im on meds (zoloft) for ocd and depression. so i find it weird that these depressive feelings reach the surface.

Due to my ocd i think im also prone to do ALOT of ruminating of the fact if im depressed or not. it feels as if my OCD now latched onto a new obsession called 'depression'.

The whole day im checking myself if i feel symptoms of depression, and everytime i do feel some weird feeling or sadness i get very anxious whoch causes to make me ruminate more and feel more signs of 'depression'.

Another weird thing i figured which i find really hard to explain because its very vague. 

i would like to say they are thoughts but somehow they feel more as if they are just 'present' if you know what i mean? 

So i get thoughts like, am i depressed? en then instead of looking for depression signals i just assume its true that i have depression, as if its always there but sometimes wont show its face.

im not really sure how to explain this, but its just a sensation combined with just 'knowing', im depressed.

This all may be just a thought to get me fooled thinking its something else but i find it really weird, and makes me even feel my depression is not from thoughts but maybe given to me from some higher power?
and thats weird aswell, because im not religious but i sometimes just feel like that could be the case.

Another thought that really distorts me from trying to see things in a positive perspective, is that alot of times my thoughts will be;

*;maybe depression is the normal kind of state, and being happy is the sickess?;

*;Who said happyness is the goal of life? what if we were ment to be sad and unhappy? what is that is what the universe has ment for us? ;

You see these thoughts are very discouraging for me, because there is no 100% definite answer to it. no one can give an answer to what the meaning of the universe really is.

And because there might be the possibility even if the chance is only 0,1% that we are ment to be sad and depressed, makes it very hard for me to fully commit myself to become happy, its always lingering in the back of my mind.


The thing i am worried about right now if this thing that is going on inside me is really depression? or maybe just a little bit depression with a whole lot of OCD mixed into it?


I know this is a very long post, but i am just hoping someone could maybe relate to this. 
I feel very lonely with these thoughts because i feel i might be the only person who has such distorted thoughts about life in general.

Edited by Ironborn
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Hi Ironborn,

I can relate to a lot in your posting. I have recognized not long ago that I seem to have developed an obsession regarding depression. For me it stems from my worry around not having OCD (which I know is silly). For me it is always very easy to end up in endless ruminations over these things, since there is no and will never be a definite answer. So, you are definitely not alone. How are you usually dealing with these intrusive thoughts you’re getting? Is it possible for you to try to think that it doesn’t matter and that you don’t have to figure it out? Recognize the thoughts as your obsessions and try to identify what compulsions you do to keep them alive (as you mention yourself: checking, ruminating, possibly reading up on the issue?). Stay active and be kind to yourself. I’m cheering for you! 

Edited by hedvig
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