How can i go on living a lie

[gingerbreadgirl]

1 minute ago, Wonderer said:

I compulsively confessed something to my partner a while back, the guilt was killing me, he told me not to worry it was normal and then gave me an example of something similar on his part, so guess what happened then? I began to obsess about HIS thing and drove myself a bit batty in the process, wish he hadn’t told me, it really isn’t that bad, neither of our things were but there’s just some things we don’t need to know about each other. Everyone has the right to privacy and total honesty is NOT always the best policy! 

I agree, I have also compulsively confessed in the past and regret it, the repercussions can be big and they can affect both of you.  Don't let OCD push you around.  The urge will fade but ONLY if you let it.

[Wonderer]

I cringe when I think of my confessions now, they were only “bad” because of OCD goggles! Once the OCD goes away I can see that the things I confessed were totally unnecessary and not even a big deal at all! Now I fight that urge when something new crops up and it goes away with time and a lot of effort! Don’t let OCD make you believe that you have to confess anything, it’s faux guilt, the extent OCD exaggerates it is off the scale and not how people without OCD would respond to the same issues! X

[paradoxer]

6 hours ago, battlethrough said:

Thamks, i know it wouldn't help,its like im holding a secret though, eats and eats away but ive confessed so much, beleave to much in total honesty i suppose

But the total honesty you believe in isn't honest, it's just a reaction to a psychological disorder. 

[battlethrough]

All your support is fantastic 

When i wake up the fantaies that ive described instantly consume my mind and i just sink inside, i try to let them be, i try to accept but it always has an awnser and torment back, because i one of them was that in the fantasy i said i cold give my sister in law a child to have sex, my minds telling me this is worse than just a fantasy about sex because i created this whole story around it, it will always come up with a different angle 

[Wonderer]

But that’s just rumination, fantasies are stories our minds make up, they’re just a load of waffle that the brain throws at us, what’s wrong is ur interpretation of this, focusing on it magnifies it, nobody here is going to go into the details of their fantasies to reassure u, u just have to try and accept that it’s normal.x

[battlethrough]

Your all so helpful and im just ****, my mind says my fantasies are worse than anyone would have, im so tired of feeling this way

[Atlantis]

They are no longer fantasies Battlethrough, they are instrusive thoughts of fantasies.

 

[Wonderer]

3 hours ago, Atlantis said:

They are no longer fantasies Battlethrough, they are instrusive thoughts of fantasies.

 

This!!! You’re being bombarded with intrusive thoughts around the fantasy, so now it’s ALL OCD wether u believe that or not, it is.x

[battlethrough]

The more i try to let it be the more the pile builds,whether i looked at her legs purposely or had other thoughts, it seems i was fantasizing about her more than i thought without realising it somehow, i keep remembering other stuff, all i do know is i was sexually frustrated at the time, but surely i should have used someone other to star in the fantasy. 

Ive started drinking more and takeing cocodemol painkiller on the evening to just try and get rid of this stack of guilt over a stack of thoughts and fantasies

[Atlantis]

Mate you're telling me your wife has never looked at another man in a sexual way on purpose? Maybe she's done it with one of your family members or friends?  And if she did...so what? It's human nature to do so, it's a primevil trait that's been with us for millenia. However OCD seizes upon this and blows it out of proportion bringing with it an unjustified crucifix of guilt and shame we carry on our shoulders. It's a normal human process to look and admire the opposite sex regardles of their relation to us. 

Also, I don't think they're fantasies anymore, they are intrusive thoughts of fantasies but because of your confession thing, you're giving false over - confession that they are fantasies - fantasies which now do not excite you, therefore they are not fantasies anymore. 

Lay off the booze and painkillers, they will just fry your mind further. I spent years self medicating with heavy alcohol and illegal hard drugs and I just made things ten times worse.. do not fall into the trap of trying to remember what you were thinking at the time because that's a surefire way for OCD to create imaginary sin. 

You are the only person that can break free of this because it's your conscience that's holding you back due to OCD. 

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

I compulsively confessed something to my partner this morning which had been chewing me up, I felt better for about five seconds and then I really wished I hadn't.  I knew that confessing would set me back and I went ahead and did it anyway.  Now my mind is searching for other things to confess - and there is always something if you search hard enough.  Confessing in a compulsive way ALWAYS makes things worse, I have been there done that and bought the t-shirt.

Confessing sets up a dangerous precedent and one it is very difficult to break out of.  And it is very difficult for partners to refuse to engage in (I guess it is human nature).  It is a way for OCD to needle in and it can make us feel isolated because all of a sudden it is centring around the one person we've always been able to confide in about OCD.  OCD finds that loophole.

I think you probably know at least on some level that the problem here is absolutely nothing to do with a fantasy you had, but how you are now processing it and responding to it (i.e. doing compulsions.) You are analysing it to death, you are ruminating, thinking about whether to confess or not, you are gathering reassurance by posting here and being told fantasising is normal (etc), then you are elaborating on the fantasy to make sure we have all the details.

Freedom for you will not come from confessing (believe me) but from changing all these responses, bit by bit.  Only you can do that though. You can break out of the hell you're currently in but it's hard and it won't happen over night.

 

 

 

 

[snowbear]

On 21/04/2018 at 08:14, battlethrough said:

Ive started drinking more and takeing cocodemol painkiller on the evening to just try and get rid of this stack of guilt

Totally self-destructive behaviour. Punishing yourself by abusing your body isn't going to ease the guilt. 

You ease guilt by stopping the ruminating which creates it.

 

[battlethrough]

How sb, for the love of god how do i beleave i was not bad and stop ruminating, its killing me, i think i should have a degree of guilt but not like this, dont know how to escape, i just cant sit with it and dont feel i deserve my partner because if she knew etc etc

[Atlantis]

"but not like this" - this is where your logic recognizes that the level of guilt is too much, the other 99.9% is OCD created guilt therefore it is FALSE. 

That is it, cut and dried. 

 

[battlethrough]

I cant help but feel its betrayal, how can i stop ruminating if i cant change that belief 

[lostinme]

The key thing here battlethrough, is self forgiveness and this starts within yourself  by forgiving yourself you can start to let this go 

 

[Atlantis]

OCD forces you to believe that because you are listening to it and being brainwashed as a result.. let OCD continue to fire these thoughts at you but don't give them importance, after a while the thoughts will lose their poison, then you'll realize that you've just engaged in a normal human trait. What you did isn't bad, it's only the OCD that tells you it is bad.  

That way you change the belief. Then you are free.

 

[Wonderer]

You need to reframe the “betrayal” belief, you didn’t betray anyone, u did a perfectly normal thing and then decided to BELIEVE it was a betrayal! The core belief that you have betrayed her is what’s keeping you stuck, change that and normalise what u did because it IS normal, you have to just start trusting that it is and ignore what OCD is telling you.x

[Atlantis]

35 minutes ago, Wonderer said:

You need to reframe the “betrayal” belief, you didn’t betray anyone, u did a perfectly normal thing and then decided to BELIEVE it was a betrayal! The core belief that you have betrayed her is what’s keeping you stuck, change that and normalise what u did because it IS normal, you have to just start trusting that it is and ignore what OCD is telling you.x

Boom! 

[gingerbreadgirl]

38 minutes ago, Wonderer said:

You need to reframe the “betrayal” belief, you didn’t betray anyone, u did a perfectly normal thing and then decided to BELIEVE it was a betrayal! The core belief that you have betrayed her is what’s keeping you stuck, change that and normalise what u did because it IS normal, you have to just start trusting that it is and ignore what OCD is telling you.x

yes, this, totally x

[battlethrough]

Thank you all, i know im going round and round but if it was a stranger on the bus i dont think id be as botherd but because of the unusal scenarios i imagined and because its someone close it seems icky and over the mark

 

I know ruminating 

[gingerbreadgirl]

You feel it is icky and wrong because that's the message you have given your brain by going over and over it - that's all.  It's not based in fact.  it is a very convincing psychological disorder.  As difficult as it is to believe, if you give your OCD chance to die down over this, there will come a time when you will look back and think "I can't believe I was in such a state over this."

[battlethrough]

I cant see how fantasies about saying i could give my sister in law a baby just for sex or food fights and vegetables a normal human trait, it really does seem very out there and disrespectful to my better half

[Binxy]

More of the same buddy. I know it's hard when you feel so guilty but you need to understand that it's false guilt generated by your OCD. This has been blown completely out of proportion. You must resist the compulsions and treat it like it's OCD. You can do it dude.

[Atlantis]

They are just thoughts, doesn't matter if they're twisted, normal, sexual, non sexual - thoughts don't harm anyone but you and they shouldn't. You're stuck in the loop of punishing yourself for nothing. It is only the OCD that tells you you've done wrong.. and you're paying attention to it.