Bit of a rant

[Headwreck]

Hey

Not really expecting any responses to this but think I just needed to get it off my chest. 

Had an important meeting today with a clinical psychologist in relation to my mental health and my capability within a prospective new job. He was basically creating a report to feed back to the prospective new employers to say whether I'm fit for purpose. He had my full medical history and basically the whole thing just reeked of OCD all the way back to when I was 11 years old.

I was questioned to the highest degree about OCD, my behaviours, obsessions, etc. and have been left reeling.

I was referred for treatment when I was 11 but according to the guy today, was let down because lack of treatment at the time and also lack of persistence from my parents which has left me with this disorder as a habit which could have been stopped long ago, as he put it. I feel so angry at myself, at the lack of treatment I had as a child and more so the lack of care and support from my parents who should have persevered in order to look out for my best interests as a child going through mental anguish right under their noses but instead scuppered my therapy sessions and made fun of my compulsions. 

Anyway the new career looks as though it's fallen flat due to the OCD, I won't find out for a week or so yet for sure but the meeting said it all.

I didn't realise that my whole life has been plagued with OCD until I started treatment recently. I knew I had OCD but never realised just exactly to what extent it was affecting my life, I just thought it was checking and that was it but the more my therapist digs the more I'm realising. I just feel like my life has been ruined and the sad thing is, I've only just realised after the damage has been done. 

Sorry guys. Just needed to vent to people who understand. 

 

Edited April 24, 2018 by Headwreck

[Running Lover]

Weirdly I’ve been feeling a lot like this to. I got really upset with my mum for not doing enough. It really wasn’t her fault she kept thinking it would blow over. But I feel so frustrated that nobody picked kip on all these weird behaviours from such an early age! I totally get your frustration if only we had help earlier but we can’t change that now. 

[Running Lover]

PS I’ve been crying lies lately too. Something I’ve never done. Feel like I’ve been grieving for the 25 years I’ve lost to ocd. 

[Isthisreality]

Started having OCD at 8. I was organizing things (toys) in photos of me when i was 4. So i have probably had it since then. If it is not autism..  I am 25-30 now.  I started to have intrusive thoughts before 10. My first intrusive thoughts was about my mother... I feelt disgusting

There is no point in ruminating like that, why do you think the therapy would made it all go away? Some of us needs to hit the bottom before we start to take action.

And listen, everybody, it is not like we have had it 24/7 our whole life. I haven't, it comes and goes. NOW please don't try to count how much of the past years you have been obsessing and how much of the time you haven't......... But try to see it like this, if you have been obsessing for 20 years that is around 7000 days, let's say you are obsessing for some hours a day. That makes it well over 10000 hours, the line some people are speaking about when it comes to the time you need to get professional at something. Do you realize that we actually are professionals at obsessing? That is why it is sooo very important to do different. And are you surprised that it is automated after such a long time?!

Edited April 24, 2018 by Isthisreality

[californiadreaming]

Hey! Similar experience for me. I can totally relate. I first noticed I had OCD around 7 years old (I am 30 now). I washed my hands like crazy. Then, when I was 8, I was very paranoid that I had poisoned my cousins' food. My mom took me to treatment and then freaked out when I got the diagnosis. She didn't want me to be different than the other kids.

I finally got around to treatment a year ago. I told my mom about it and she felt so sad and disappointed in herself - like it was her fault. Sometimes we have to realize that parents are human too and they do the best with what they know at the time. Try not to hold any anguish toward them because negative feelings like that just don't serve a purpose. 

The best thing that you can do is get help now and move forward. It is odd that you have to be evaluated for a job. Is that common in the UK? That would be discrimination where I am. 

[Isthisreality]

It is extremely fascinating how the stories are the same. And information is really the key. I mean instead of every child and then person going through the initial step of thinking that he/she is crazy. I mean OCD will be painful even with all the knowledge but there is something special with it when you don't know what you have.

[Headwreck]

Thanks for the replies and the support, sorry for ranting but just feel a bit alone with it, sick of it if I'm honest. 

The realisation from today's experience has left a really bad taste in my mouth. I know I can't change the past and whatever decision is made, I have to take on the chin. With that said, I can't help but feel fed up and angry. I should have noticed this was a disorder myself years ago instead of treating my thoughts and feelings as gospel or thinking it was just 'me' long before now. But I don't feel I've ever had the support from key people to do that, irrespective of age. Just another point on the old OCD scoreboard. 

Nevermind, what does complaining achieve! Sorry everyone, just needed to let it out. 

Edited April 24, 2018 by Headwreck

[Isthisreality]

Probably your OCD, wanting to fish you back again. OCD telling you: why not obsess about how i have made you obsessing in the past, how does that sound? 

 

Leave it behind you, there is no guarantee you would have stopped if you started before this. 

Edited April 25, 2018 by Isthisreality

[PolarBear]

You have every right to feel angry. It's part of the grieving process. Can we say you've been in denial for a long time? Now you're angry. Eventually you get to acceptance and that will make your journey to recovery so much easier.

[Isthisreality]

I actually don't think it is useful to be angry and especially not to grieve. OCD is just a part of your brain, what happens is because of the brain. I think we just should accept. But in a therapeutic sense is it a great advice, because it gives determination to fight it. I guess i agree in a sense and the most important sense right here and now, which is the therapeutic one. 

Headwreck you have been fooled, get mad!

 

Edited April 25, 2018 by Isthisreality

[PolarBear]

It amazes me that a prospective employer is allowed to dwell into your mental health. Not allowed in Canada. Not even legal to ask about your mental health, except for certain jobs like police.

Edited April 25, 2018 by PolarBear

[Headwreck]

Without going into too much detail, it's not a standard job hence the thorough checks. I knew about them before I got to this stage but unfortunately at the time I didn't have the insight I have now with regards to what I have been dealing with. It's just sad because I'm right near the end of it. 

It seems as though a lot of stuff I do is 'OCD', I told my therapist that I won't watch certain shows through the day as I tell my partner that we are meant to watch them at night even though he wants to watch them earlier, it doesn't feel right to watch in the day, not because of the content just because I relate watching them to watching them at a certain time at night. My partner made me pancakes one evening and now I won't eat them unless it's night because he made them at night the first time and I associate them with evenings. I mentioned it just as a throwaway comment but my therapist said that's an example of the OCD again and the certainty.

I have routines and orders ie won't eat lunch until around or after 2:08pm, I literally won't go for a meal or go out of an evening unless I'm off work the next day as it doesn't feel right and I don't feel I will enjoy it, etc. These things don't bring anxiety but my therapist says it feeds the certainty that OCD craves. Is this really the case? All these little things I just thought were quirks are actually more? If that's so then I really don't know how much of my life has actually been 'me'? 

Edited April 25, 2018 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

Sounds like you have a lot more going on than a false memory. Yes, those quirks can be explained by OCD.

[Headwreck]

See I just thought it was quirks, like noticing '123' in number sequences and time, etc. They've never caused me anxiety or concern but now I'm being told it's OCD. I am terrible at speaking to people and have next to no friends, I'm guessing now that OCD has pummelled my confidence so much over the years that it's put paid to my personality and confidence too. My mind goes blank when I'm around people, I go silent, I replay conversations I've had and tell myself I've embarrassed myself or the other person thinks I'm a freak. I have in the past purposely missed a train and waited 30 minutes for the next one just to avoid small talk with an ex co worker. How can I possibly get out of this when this whole thing has been my life for so long without me even knowing? 

[Isthisreality]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

See I just thought it was quirks, like noticing '123' in number sequences and time, etc. They've never caused me anxiety or concern but now I'm being told it's OCD. I am terrible at speaking to people and have next to no friends, I'm guessing now that OCD has pummelled my confidence so much over the years that it's put paid to my personality and confidence too. My mind goes blank when I'm around people, I go silent, I replay conversations I've had and tell myself I've embarrassed myself or the other person thinks I'm a freak. I have in the past purposely missed a train and waited 30 minutes for the next one just to avoid small talk with an ex co worker. How can I possibly get out of this when this whole thing has been my life for so long without me even knowing? 

I totally relate! I often say things out loud, when i see a streetname like "crazystreet" do i say it out loud. I also count meaningless sequences. 2+2=4... I don't even know why

It is all OCD

Edited April 25, 2018 by Isthisreality

[PolarBear]

It's possible to have some mild themes intermixed with a severe theme or two.

To test if they are OCD rituals, don't do them. Allow pancakes at any time. If it's a compulsion your anxiety should shoot up and your mind should be screaming no!

[Headwreck]

To be honest I don't think it would incite any anxiety as such, maybe slight discomfort for a short time but that's about it. So maybe they're not compulsions anyway, just examples of my rigidity. How confusing! 

[PolarBear]

Well no big deal then.