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OCD, stress and carrying on.


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Hi everyone

How are we all?

I'm trying to stay off the forum as much as possible so I'm not walking into the reassurance seeking trap. However, something odd happened at work yesterday that concerned me.

I've been getting stupidly stressed recently over finishing a writing project (have now given myself a break from it) and got very obsessive. Yesterday at work, I was feeling so anxious that I actually had what I can only term as a bit of an 'episode'; I got into a depressive state of mind and worried about it interfering with my work. Ultimately it was fine, but I came away with a terrible pain in my middle area that seemed to be caused by it; unexplained aches and pains. I actually had to go and sit down for a bit, but then got back to work again.

I have been feeling happier and more secure and I think yesterday was stressful for several reasons: I hadn't slept very well the night before, I was missing my Mum (really feel like I need her right about now) and I had a bit of a relapse. I sometimes get into that ruminative state of 'Do I deserve to be happy?' We were working all through Easter and that had been pretty stressful in itself.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a fantastic job, great colleagues and even though I've lost my Mum, at least I've still got a loving family. But I don't want to let these things slip through my fingers. Sometimes, it feels as though I am always going to be stressed and that relief and relaxation are just out of my reach and undeserved by me. I'm 25 this year and I sometimes wonder if I'm being punished with unhappiness. I can 'focus' on the things that I worry about and have to bring myself back to the present. I want to focus on what's good in my life, but I wonder if I'll ever be completely happy again. Hyper vigilance, I suppose, is part of it; but I feel some of the thoughts I've had with the OCD and the manner in which I've had them were just so terrible. Having said that, I am aware that they are 'just thoughts.' I just worry about them reflecting on my heart and my sense of conscience. I think sometimes I can 'try too hard' to be happy; I can rush into something and then burn myself out, or I can make myself do things that I hope will make me happy. I guess despite all the good in my life, in myself I've felt a little empty.

I have been in touch with the local mental health teams, but I'm hoping to get to a point where I can stand on my own two feet. I feel my life has been edged with the depression over the last couple of years and don't want to carry on like that.

Anyway, yes. I'm not expecting reassurance from anyone, don't worry - just wanted to say how I'm getting on and to thank you all for all the kind support you offer each other. :)

C x

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