Bad night- POCD

[Binxy]

Hi,

Sorry to use the POCD, I know I'm not strictly supposed to use these labels. I just figured it might help when looking at the thread.

I've been struggling with OCD around children/teenagers for around 4 years. I've had a really good spell over the last year and then had a major trigger after a family party last week (previous post)- I've been a wreck since. At the moment I'm suffering from guilt and shame. I feel really guilty about looking at teens when going shopping (for example) to check if I feel attracted to them, In some cases with younger looking women this always bothered me because some girls look older and I would be typically male and "check them out" and then worry that they might not be as old as I think and feel incredible guilt and shame. It's eating me up and I've spent half the night analysing the past to check that I've not done anything wrong. I'm so ashamed. OCD has ruined my life- I never used to have these problems although I would always avoid being around children because I would need to obsessively check the day after to be sure that I've not done anything inappropriate.

Today, I'm a real mess.

[battlethrough]

Hi there,very similar story for me,i have sufferd for years,i try accepting my thoughts and resisting analizeing.

Its hard at first to live with not being 100 percent certain,but thats the approach to manage ocd

The pedo fears destroyed many years of my life then shifted in to teen fears,witch is more of a grey area as many teen,perticuly girls can look so much older than they are,also they can be very developed witch is obviously biologically attractive,that doesnt mean you ever go there but sometimes bioligy just is

Try to live with uncertanty and the anxiety will get less

Also theres a site called anxietycareuk witch I found had articles about this particular theme that I found very helpfull

[battlethrough]

To find the articles go onto anxietycareuk then ocd spectrum then on the rigt hand side click obsessional thinking

[Binxy]

Thanks for the reply. I'm being absolutely bombarded today- past events, being on a bus with teenagers who are in school uniform and thinking that some of them are pretty- the whole "biologically attractive" thing scares the hell out of me. I think part of it is because I have been coping OK for a while. The thought of doing anything disgusts me.

[Binxy]

Oh, and thank you. The link was very helpful.

[Guest Sisyphus]

I think this is a complex subject with a lot of nuances to it, which is all too prone to misinterpretation in this current climate of witch-hunting and acute paranoia about such things.

But I agree with Battlethrough. I actually think this is a very common problem for men as they get a bit older. I think it's absolutely natural for a straight man who's still sexually active to notice post-pubescent pretty girls and maybe have sexual thoughts about them. But we all know the laws, social do's and dont's, and the reasons behind them, so like Battlethrough said we just don't even contemplate going there. There's a gulf of difference between noticing or having thoughts about an attractive girl, and going ahead and acting on it. Probably something that people woithout OCD intrinsically just know without having to rationalise it or think it through.

Now whether they talk about it or not, I reckon all(barring obvious exceptions) straight sexually active guys notice those girls and have simlar thoughts to yourself. And I strongly suspect the same is true in reverse with women and post-pubescent boys. The difference is someone with OCD is always going to run with it and seek the worst case scenario - "well maybe she's under age", "well if you like an under age girl then maybe you like kids as well?", etc etc etc until you've convinced yourself you're a monster and are triggered every time you encounter a girl who qualifies, resulting in further rationlisation which worsens the problem. Not nice.

I've experienced a bit of this myself so I can speak from experience. And the hot weather and the way some girls that age dress does not help the situation!

I'm pretty sure I don't need to qualify this here of all places, but just in case there is any shadow of a doubt, I am not talking about kids here, just post-pubescent girls.

It's interesting that, even writing this, I had to very carefully consider the wording and what I could/couldn't say because of all the taboos and paranoia about this subject at the moment, and the high likelihood of something being misinterpreted. And I think all that is precisely why our OCD makes a beeline for this subject. If the paranoia was about people with brown hair instead, OCD would trigger every time we encounter one.

[Binxy]

I appreciate the support. I feel terrible for posting this. It's been a long day. I'm completely exhausted by the anxiety. I hate OCD around these subjects. It makes feel horrible. Like a monster

[PolarBear]

When you begin to let the thoughts be, don't push them away, don't analyze them, don't mentally check your past, don't mentally check your feelings, you are on the way to overcoming this obsession.

[speedbird]

I had POCD. I got over it, and then it started getting worse again. I got over that, and then for one night during Christmas break, it got worse. I got over that, and this summer, I don't even think it's OCD; I just think I'm a pedo with OCD.

It sucks, Binxy, I know. No matter what anyone says to give you advice, you always doubt yourself.

It sucks...

[PolarBear]

If a pedophile had OCD with sexual obsessions he would be overly worried that he might be attracted to adults. Think about it.

Edited July 28, 2014 by PolarBear

[Binxy]

This thread is scaring me a bit now. I've never thought about underage girls in that way. I have checked to see if I feel attracted when not at home and I feel guilty for it. This is my ocd, I'm trying to "be sure" that I'm not a monster and I need to stop. This is because teens girls will occasionally look older and my reaction is to worry about it which reinforces it. Not checking is difficult because it feels like it will get rid of the knot in my stomach... it never does. This is what I need to work on.

[battlethrough]

Ok,what methods are you useing to overcome this

I have found regular meditation helps my anxiety and trying to recognize my compulsions and resist them

Ive heard the most foolproof is cbt with exposure therapy but im to afraid to go that route because of the theme and because ive been unlucky and had a couple of poorly understanding phyces, you may have better luck though

[Binxy]

Sorry- managed to post under an old account. I need to get rid of that account.

Hi,

I've done CBT- just over a year ago. It helped, and I've been much better. I've had blips but nothing of this severity, duration or intensity. I've booked an appointment with my doctor as I want to discuss going back on meds and I've contacted my previous CBT guy but I think he may be on holiday. I've really been drawn in- I know this is OCD in moments of clarity, but I can't seem to shake the feeling in my stomach. I know better- some of my posts above are written in such anxiety.

I feel really ashamed for writing them too.

[Guest Sisyphus]

Sorry- managed to post under an old account. I need to get rid of that account.

Hi,

I've done CBT- just over a year ago. It helped, and I've been much better. I've had blips but nothing of this severity, duration or intensity. I've booked an appointment with my doctor as I want to discuss going back on meds and I've contacted my previous CBT guy but I think he may be on holiday. I've really been drawn in- I know this is OCD in moments of clarity, but I can't seem to shake the feeling in my stomach. I know better- some of my posts above are written in such anxiety.

I feel really ashamed for writing them too.

You shouldnt feel ashamed. You're in a place where it's recognised that the thing you have is OCD and the thoughts you have are false ones. You're in good company here mate.

[Binxy]

Thanks Sisyphus,

Had a pretty rough evening with it. I've managed to get a session with my therapist tomorrow night. Need to try and let it go... At least for tonight...

[Guest Sisyphus]

Thanks Sisyphus,

Had a pretty rough evening with it. I've managed to get a session with my therapist tomorrow night. Need to try and let it go... At least for tonight...

I'm real sorry to hear that Binxy. It strange how certain themes rise in severity and others die away, then vice versa, and you end up thinking "hang on Im not oo bothered about that now so why was I agonising over it last month?". Or maybe that's just me.

I hope the therapist can help you see that these fears and doubts are things you fear being rather than things you are which is what OCD falsely tries to convince you. It always homes in on the things we find abhorrent and seeks to make a case for it being the way we are or what we're into. The little blighter.

[tigershark]

Hey! Hang in there.. This is tough ocd.. I have it too & also fear that i might be gay..

To make matters just that bit mire tricky, I work as a Primary School teacher for the last 7 years!

So it can be overcome.

My formula is.

1) read up on ocd: a book like Brainlock, Imp of the Mind or 'Overcoming Ocd'

2) talk to your gp & get a referral to a cbt therapist with experience of ocd: they can support you in a erp/ exposure to your triggers programme.

3) consider ssri meds; i have taken prozac & Sertraline

4) to a course in mindfulness based mediatation..

5) good exercise for 30 mins a day will boost your mood..

Tiger

[Binxy]

Thanks for that. Wow- you're doing an incredible job, coping with this and being a teacher.

I'm back on a course of Fluoxetine and drew a CBT plan with my therapist last night.

The problem is, I'm being bothered my something else now... my relationship. Everytime I go out with family or friends and have a few drinks (and sometimes even when I don't) I feel the urge the next day to check that I haven't cheated on my girlfriend. This has been really bad in the past but has not been such a problem recently. However, five or so weeks after we started seeing each other (10 years ago) I went out for a Christmas party with work. There is a visiting Italian student who I had been chatting two and we had a couple of drinks. Everyone moved onto a club. I went- I recall seeing her on the dance floor, she drank some of my Guinness, then I remember leaving, the taxi home etc. etc. But the next day I was scared I'd cheated. I remember ruminating (this is all pre-OCD diagnosis) to try and make sure that I hadn't and in the process I'm sure I recall making up (I hope) some images. It kind of left my mind until my OCD blow-up and diagnosis a few years ago and now it's bothering me again. I remember a few days after it all that a friend had mine had commented that we were being quite chatty and that she linked into my arm on the walk to the club ( I recall this). I tried to push a discussion with her about the night when I saw her without sounding crazy (I didn't know her that well)- sort of "So, did you enjoy the work party on Saturday?", "What did you do after?"- she never said a thing. I heard after she left that she had slept with someone else in the office though at some point during her stay.

I can't let go of the feeling that my ten year relationship is at stake because I did something silly- and I can't prove it. I want to live with the uncertainty but it feels so important to know.

[battlethrough]

Themes change all the time,i call it shapeshifting,mine goes from pocd to fear I like my sister or even harming my pets

The details dont matter,you deal with them the same,accept that they are thoughts and resist analizeing,ocd will keep trying to trip you up with something new,just treat them the same untill the spikes dont stick

It used to take me 6 months to try to shake a spike off,now if I resist analizeing it shifts in a week

[tigershark]

Mate, when you have ocd & a predisposition towards this disorder, things will crop up & you will get hooked caught up in a cycke of rumination & worry..

Thing is though, with support & experience, you can become aware of this & catch yourself slipping into the old trap of what ifs,.. Reasurance seeking, questioning; remember this is all a complete waste of time..

Just be aware that your ocd is firing..

Just sit witj it abd through it until it passes; it always does eventually..

Dont respond to it

Question it

Ask others about it

Ruminate

Just let it be...

I find mindfulness meditation very helpful with my ocd and my life in general..

Just to let you know my ocd triggers:

-maybe i am gay

-maybe i'm a paedophile

-maybe i might hit, punch, stab someone

-maybe inmight drive my car into another or off a bridge

-maybe i could grab control of a plane & plough it into the ground..

Etc

Etc

They all ebb & flow and come & go!!

[Binxy]

Thanks for the posts. I know there is a big OCD thing at play here. The problem is that I could have- this girl was clearly into me. I was anxious all of the next day- but I'm like this every time I drink- I've ended relationships because of this before. So now, I have an OCD issue, worrying about about something that could've been generated by an OCD issue.

[PolarBear]

Binxy, with that type of OCD the harder you try to know the more uncertain you'll become.

Ruminating, checking, pondering, wondering, confessing, will only keep you in a doubtful place. Let the thought be. Font fight it. Don't try to work it out.

[battlethrough]

Polarbears correct

Its funny because when giving advice,i know exactly what your brain will do,because all our ocd brains do the same,instantly it goes,yeah but,what if,it could have,i shouldnt have,this is different etc etc etc

This is the first point of dragging you into rumanating, its at this first stage that the resisisting takes place and just letting it be withought giving it the significance it doesnt deserve

You will get there, just takes patience and time

Edited July 30, 2014 by battlethrough

[battlethrough]

Polarbears correct

Its funny because when giving advice,i know exactly what your brain will do,because all our ocd brains do the same,instantly it goes,yeah but,what if,it could have,i shouldnt have,this is different etc etc etc

This is the first point of dragging you into rumanating, its at this first stage that the resisisting takes place and just letting it be withought giving it the significance it doesnt deserve

You will get there, just takes patience and time

Edited July 30, 2014 by battlethrough

[Binxy]

Thanks guys.