OCD positive for 26 years (:-) but new to Forums, very excited and waffly.

[Guest DeepThought5]

Hi all,

Feels sooo good to be here – it’s the first time I have shared with other sufferers as opposed to just doctors/psychiatrists/therapists/counsellors/sages/medicine men/mystics/witch doctors etc etc – I’m really glad this forum is here, I really need to know how other OCD sufferers feel and cope. It’s a bit long though, sorreee!! Hopefully I will get to a local ‘OCDA’ meeting soon too. I am 39 y.o. male, remember first OCD symptoms coming on at bedtime when I was 12/13 (was having unpleasant thoughts about death, eternity, God, Hell, being etc when I went to sleep – I sometimes wonder if the OCD evolved from this somehow). Started with a feeling I hadn’t emptied my bladder properly and having to make what I knew was an unnecessary return to the bathroom. My mind hooked onto taps, lights, plugholes quickly – then of course it had to be each bathroom in the house, and eventually even the outside tap in my pyjamas. The range of things checked quickly spread to include more and counting, special numbers and ‘getting switch sounds right’ came in. Then there was the time I just spent staring during each check, wondering how believable the information from my eyes really was and eventually after several minutes getting the necessary flash of insight to recognise their ‘offness’. I would invade the en suite with my parents sleeping next door, I once even woke my brother up and told him to take his necklace off lest it choke him during his sleep. He called me ‘the security guard’, my Dad would occasionally just yell ‘GET TO BED’ when I had gone a click too far with the landing light. So I went to bed then – more scared of the yelling than the OCD – so at least I could feel safe in bed and would stop checking – even though I went to bed in fear either way. Not good every night over my formative adloescent years.

At 16 I fell into a trap that was almost inevitable when I look back. I was suffering a LOT at night time in particular, bed time scared me stupid and many nights would end in my sobbing – wondering what the hell was going on. When I was introduced to cannabis I took to it like a duck to water – I had found something, that if taken at night time without tobacco, could really relax me and slash my checking by 90%. So without recognising it for years, I became absolutely psychologically hooked on marijuana. At university I finally took myself to a GP and then psychiatrist who prescribed me anafranil I think – (pre-SSRI) and have been on Fluoxetine, Paroxetine etc for 22 years now at high dose. At 21 years of age – I became an alcoholic – cannabis had become unavailable but by then I was used to killing my feelings at night and alcohol took over. I was a terrible alcoholic – it really disagreed with me – and by the way – it does nothing for OCD! Unless you count falling unconscious as a victory. By the time I finished university I had been for my first detox. I don’t drink any more but it took MANY years to make that decision for final but at the end of the day I am a father and live alone, my boy is 5 and I work hard and struggle – sliding back to alcohol would be signing my death warrant. It would be like me saying ‘I give up on life’. The life of the active alcoholic is exceedingly miserable, when they are drinking they are sick – when they are not drinking they desperately want to be. I’m so thankful to be tea total now.

I do still smoke a small amount of marijuana (no tobacco) in the evening though – when my symptoms are by far the worst (its all around bedtimne). I have justified it to myself a million ways but I know deep down I would much rather not feel dependent on this external agent for my OCD relief and as someone who calls themselves a Buddhist – it is a huge failing as one of the main precepts is that of abstinence from all forms of intoxication – it may calm OCD but by doing so I am not compelled to build my cognitive armour and I am aware my health is being damaged by smoking (even with no tobacco) – I am also acutely aware that it remains illegal. I wish to get by without it – and I wish to cut back on antidepressants, but life is so demanding I feel I have so little time to really concentrate on this (self imposed limits?). I can cope with the current status quo even though I do not like it. I used to beat myself up about it so much – but was eventually convinced not too, because it wasn’t helping me to quit and I was already beating myself up about everything else anyway – I had no self-esteem, self-respect, self-belief even though I am constantly reassured I am quite capable. I struggle with relationships because I overthink everything instead of letting them flow naturally – it seems like my thought crazed head just blocks access to me listening to my heart most of the time. Anyway – I have met others with OCD in Narcotics Anonymous meetings so I guess I am not the only one who has gone down this VERY dubious and inadvisable path of self-medication. I will be going back to the NA meetings soon – I was having success with them in cutting down and feeling good about it – I have been in environments where I have gradually stopped smoking cannabis of my own accord, it is just a shame I can only go to those places on holiday though – when back in the throes of working life though I feel as though I need it and would very much struggle without it. Be sure – I have two problems now, cannabis has not cured my OCD and now I am stuck with both.

I remember describing myself as ‘spiritually diseased’ to my hypnotherapist – she said she thought it was horrible that anyone would think of themselves that way – I replied that I was an alcoholic cannabis user with OCD and that did not make for a pretty package of conditions. She then pointed out that I was basically a decent person who was clearly upset and if I chose to label myself that way I would be dooming myself to more misery. She pointed out I had gotten control over alcohol, given up cigarettes, was on good terms with my ex wife and raise a very happy, healthy and loving child. She pointed out that I had run trained and run for over 10 marathons, had done a lot of work for charity (doing actions for NGOs such as Amnesty and Friends of Earth became an obsession in itself – I couldn’t let any go by without acting on them – result = 700 typed letters to foreign and domestic powers about a huge variety of issues – and about 10x more online actions), had worked abroad for several years and had a good career (although totally lacking ambition). After a couple of hypnotherapy sessions I managed to believe some good things about myself again and it was such a relief.

I am currently off work for stress – I have been managing my life poorly recently – work had gotten busier, my caffeine consumption went up and over a couple of months I have now burned out – I feel a bit stupid because I should have recognised the signs earlier before it got that bad – but at least now I have time to put all the positive, life affirming things back into my life so that the balance is just about restored. At the moment I identify most with unpleasant unending ruminations about guilt, old age, death and the sadness of the world and being much more pre-disposed to stress and anxiety - I most certainly have a hugely maginfied perception of risk which maintains the state. When it is bad, tears can be only a thought a two away and it doesn't matter whether I am talking to someone or not - if the issue of my low self esteem is touched I invariably break down in self pity - there is a sea of it underneath. I am desparate for someone to be around to end my life should I become physically incapciated by a stroke or heart attack when I am older – I cannot think of anything worse than being old, helpless and stuck in a wheelchair while still experiencing the same kind of morbid thoughts I harbour now – it would be unbearable – especially when we see care standards rapidly falling. I have already made sure I have a Do Not Resuscitate order and daily I wonder if I would have the nerve for suicide when I reach a certain level of incapacity. I should not be fixated on these things. My hypnotherapist said today I was obviously in distress when I saw her last week – she finally persuaded me to stop working and relax – so I did – I went to my special place which is a local buddhist monastery – I feel at home, comfortable and at peace there – it is a place where I can heal rapidly and reaffirm my faith and determination to press on. I feel as though I could do anything there – including give up my bad smoking habit.

I’m trying to stay out of my flat as much as possible, its not good to be stuck alone indoors with my own thoughts for long periods even though my walls are adorned with mental reminders!!! I am a lot happier when out and about and my mind is looking outward instead of inward. I feel very lucky that these forums are now here and I am very grateful to the founders and maintainers, I LOVE the positive psychology movement and have benefitted so much from applying its techniques. In 26 years of OCD – I have only once spoken to another sufferer and that was at the NA meeting – I don’t have much of a social life because I don’t drink and am not that fond of crowds or pubs. Besides – ‘regular’ friends would be unable to support me like I needed so I decided to dedicate to finding myself like-minded people to talk with.

Since I have become a member of OCD-UK I have been AMAZED to see how brave and enthusiastic so many sufferers are and I can see that OCD-UK is an invaluable rallying point for sufferers. I really want one day to be able to face my OCD in the same way. I am very encouraged to have learned about the brains potential for change and restructuring itself, its neuroplasticity. I was actually initially dismayed to hear that some people felt as though they had completely recovered from OCD because it meant I would now have to aim for the same and that would be impossible with the life I lead. Now I am very glad to hear the news that it can sometimes be virtually eradicated because despite everything – I have a stupidly dumb, blind optimistic streak that keeps relentlessly wanting ever better for myself so now I am pleased for the new challenge – I am just not sure I will be able to organise my life to take it at the moment…….

Wishing happiness and serenity to all your beautiful, shining minds……,

Love

B x

[Guest LauraMac]

Hey, welcome to the forums!

[Guest Erik197834]

Welkome B...