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Can't stop crying


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Hi everyone

Erm, happy Christmas? ^_^

I had a lovely Christmas day with my family, peaceful, quiet and undemanding but today I can't stop crying. I get set off at the smallest thing. I've taken my Prozac and I feel a bit better but I have to keep leaving the room because of the fear I'll keep bursting into tears at the table. My brother's girlfriend has come round and he's looked forward to seeing her and I don't want to ruin things.

I can't seem to do anything right. The last few days I've had trouble talking and communicating with people. I can't seem to get the words out and I'm glad when others are talking because it means I don't have to. The only thing that perks me up is chocolate (right now, I'm going to try not to comfort-eat).

I'm to blame, I know. I feel like a let-down, a failure who's ruined my life. I don't think I'm going to have a happy future. I don't think I'm going to find anyone. I keep ruining all the good things, all the chances I get, I destroy. I'm the problem, not the OCD. I'm so used to it, I can't let it go. I've let it ruin the last two and a half years of my life. I just feel this is my life from now on and there's no bright future for me now. I fear myself bringing the OCD back on. I just can't stop going over things in my head, wondering if I need to change who I am, stop doing this, start doing this, wondering if I've let God down.

I can't stop thinking about taking my own life, even though I don't want to actually do it. I think about it in detail, how I would do it, where I would do it. I know I can't go through with it but I wonder if that's even the right mindset to have. Maybe I'm supposed to take my own life. I've caused myself enough grief and trouble and my parents have done enough for me. Maybe I'm just not supposed to be here. Maybe it's karma.

I'm so sorry to bring all this misery here; I don't want to hurt anyone or ruin the celebrations. I can't get rid of this knot inside me and wonder if it'll ever go. The ironic thing is my mind has calmed in the last day or so; the circle of babbling, anxious thoughts has quietened. I can eat without it feeling funny in my mouth. I just can't get all these dark thoughts out of my head and I don't trust myself.

C x

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Hi Cub, Seasons Greetings to you!

Sorry you are feeling so tearful. I'm glad yesterday went well. Some of those tears could just be down to relief and having got through yesterday. This time of year is sooooo stressful. The TV portrays all these big happy extended families having a wonderful time and I'm sure that for many people (me included) that isn't the reality.

Cub your OCD is the problem you are not. OCD always has a field day during stressful times.

Please please please if you are having any serious thoughts about taking your life you must get to A&E and get some help. Breaks my heart to type this but somebody very close to me attempted to take their life 18 months ago. Thankfully they failed but 18 months on they are in a better place but I will never ever get over it. Please don't ever put yourself or family through anything like that. You have to believe the world is a better place because you are in it.

Have you felt well enough to do any writing lately? Thinking of you. xx

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Hello, sorry to hear about what your going through. I can relate to so much it's unbelievable. I don't really know what to write to you, but I want to write something, I want you to know, your not alone, I bet you have people who love you, people who don't think your a screw up. Don't take your own life, it will be your family that suffer.

I sometimes think about how easy it would be of I wasn't here and didn't have to go through my emotions, crying all the time, my obsessive thoughts and everything else that goes on. Then I think, I'm staying alive for my family. My friends and my boyfriend.

Please do not do anything to your self. you deserve to have a life, you deserve to be happy.

Don't let anything get in the way of your happiness.

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Hello

Thankyou for your kind words, Mrs F and Snowflake.

Mrs F: I'm so sorry a loved one attempted suicide. Reading that did hit home for me, that must have been awful. I do realise the effect my death would have on my family but at the same time I think about it. I am doing a little writing, yes, I find it helps - but then the guilt takes over again and I can't do anything. I am going to go and see my doctor soon.

Snowflake: Thankyou for the empathy and for writing. I'm sorry you get this too. It's brave of you to keep going.

Well, the day has drawn to a close and I've spent most of it up in my room, away from the family chatting. I feel bad now, feel like I've let my brother down now by not sitting and chatting but I just felt like I didn't have anything to contribute to the conversation. I've just spent the afternoon with the cat staring at the ceiling, feeling numb. I feel so ashamed now; I don't want my brother's girlfriend to think she's the problem. She was making conversation with me and I found I couldn't respond, I couldn't communicate properly. It sounds so dramatic, but I just didn't want to talk; I did my best but I wanted to listen, not to talk. My family kept asking if there was something wrong and I'm so scared that tomorrow they're all going to be angry and disappointed with me. I feel now I've just been feeling sorry for myself. I feel I've ruined the day by not joining in but I felt that was better than sitting there and being miserable; I felt staying away was the lesser of two evils.

My dad thinks my worrying is a hobby and I'm worried that he's right. He's also said in the past that he believes I think sitting there and looking glum makes me interesting. I know for a fact it doesn't. I feel I can't talk to anyone at home - my Mum is ill and my dad would just tell me to snap out of it - but I'm worried I'm projecting my anger onto them, when it's my fault.

I feel tired all the time and sleep a lot. I consider asking for more help, but then wonder if I'm being too quick to blame the OCD. I feel I've done this to myself. I've got myself trapped in a circle.

C x

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It's a shame that the people around you don't really understand what you go through.I really think you must ask for more help.You are not being too quick to blame your OCD.It is what is making you ill overall.I know what you mean about not wanting to talk and just to listen.I would go see your Doc if I were you.Have any members of your family been with you to therapy sessions in the past?Just snapping out of it would be great but entirely impossible.It's excellent that you had a calm day the other day.Hopefully that might be something you could build on

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