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Divorce due to relationship ocd (?)


Guest PatsyG

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Guest PatsyG

The last six months have been hell.

After weeks and months of mulling over it I had decided to leave my husband of 13 years.

There weren't any big issues, I just thought I didn't love him anymore. I had recently before that moved to Brighton from Germany, met lots of great, interesting people, starting having a busy social life. I've always had doubts about the relationship, they were now once again getting bigger.. Are we really compatible? Do I love him? Do I find him attractive enough? Why isn't he more social! He's dragging me down! We don't connect/we never have fun. I feel down when I'm around him/I'm never carefree with him...

I started to distance myself from him more and more. I started to build up emotional relationships with other men (something I wasnt fully aware I was doing but in retrospect that is what I did)

When asked though by him or other people I couldn't really give a good enough reason why I wanted to finish the marriage and tear a family of 4 apart....

I got lots of advice from friends and a relationship counsellor.. I told them about the flaws in my relationship and people usually agreed that I should leave, that I had been unhappy for years, that I only have one life etc. Yet even though I made the decision to go I was and am devastated and unable to move on. When me and my ex talk about things like future childcare arrangements (we currently still live together) I fall apart as though I'm being the one that is left...I cry and feel like I'm gonna go insane with grief. I have so much guilt about leaving and hurting him and causing all this pain to the kids.... He never took it well and there is a lot of bitter resentment... I once was close to taking an overdose just to show him how truly truly sorry I am and how much I'm suffering too (yes I know how warped that sounds); I made the decision based on the facts I had, it seemed to only real choice, my relationship just seemed to flawed and being with him seemed to make me feel unhappy.

I recently started spending time with someone new. It was great and carefree for a little while... then it started.. noticing/obsessing/feeling anxious about his (and my) physical 'flaws', him doing minor little things that annoy me and make me think that I dont wanna see him again, analysing how I feel when I look at him... my head would tell me these things but at the same time I'd be smiling cos part of me obviously enjoyed being with him.... I went from 'I really like this guy' to 'I need distance from you" almost overnight. I remember seeing a good-looking guy in the shop and getting anxious and thinking it was all starting again and that either I pick men I dont really like and they are all wrong for me or my head is playing tricks on me... I withdrew and got distant and told him I cant see him anymore. Even though we had agreed from the beginning that we both werent aiming fro a relationship it hit him hard and out of nowhere.

I did a lot of soul-searching after that and noticed how there was a pattern to things -again- and how at least part of my marriage split was down to ocd.. I think I may have fallen into the trap again and not noticed. I might be wrong, maybe its the other way round and ocd decided to latch on post-split, how do you ever know?!

Me and my husband split about 4 years ago and it was a really awful split, I had met someone who I liked, convinced that meant my marriage wasnt right for me, analysed everything, saw all the flaws, distanced myself which made us more distant which I saw as the proof that things werent right. Analysing how I feel when I look at him, analysing how he is with me, comparing my marriage to what I perceived others were like. I'd go through cycles of being off with him, then Id remember how much I loved him and Id be really loving and things would be great, next day I could be offish again, critical, wondering whether I'd be better off with someone more suitable.

Some things did need working on, I think we don't communicate well at all, I think that is a genuine problem we did/do have.

I dont want to go back even if he did take me back. I'm exhausted and I need a break from relationships and I would never want to hurt him and the kids like this again and I think the danger would always be there that I could. I'm also not 100% sure (hah) that it was ocd that caused it but I think its likely to have played a huge part.

He said I look for someone who's perfect; he is probably not wrong, if I spot a perceived flaw in their looks or behaviour it sends waves of anxiety through me, telling me the person is not right for me otherwise I wouldnt be feeling like this...

Friends think that my ex is controlling, that I got with him too young, that that is the reason I still cant let go... I dont think that is all unture but not neccessarily all their is to it but then theyve only ever got the one side of the story, with tales of flaws and shortcomings, blending out the positives..

I hope I'm not using ocd as an excuse but I dont think I am...its so hard to know whats real and whats not :(

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Guest Tricia

Oh, Patsy, what a dilemma. I really am not the best person to reply to you, but I do empathize as I also questioned so much about my own marriage. We possibly do only have one shot at life (who knows, though, I have friends who believe they're into their twentieth and more!) but what I do know is that no one is perfect and I think it's rare for the love we feel at the beginning of a relationship to remain the same after many years. So much changes, including our feelings. How much is to do with OCD I think is also difficult to measure. Most of my friends without OCD see flaws in their partners they were blissfully unaware of at the beginning.

I think it's wise to stay out of a relationship for a while and give yourself time to heal. Maybe more counselling would help.

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Guest PatsyG

Thank you for reading my very long post and replying...

Ive just been to see my relationship counsellor and she took on board what I said about the OCD, she also said though its not unusual at this pretty stressful time that my mind is going onto overdrive, that it is not unusual to have all this going round and round in my head. She also said to carry on the relationship with my ex would have been hard as he takes no responsibility for what he does and things he could work on and doesnt attempt to really hear me.... one of the big issues we have always had.

Its all just very very confusing.

He is about to move out and I am terrified of him leaving. I need to find a flat for myself for the first time in my life at a time when housing is a disaster. I need to find a job which Ive been trying to do for 14 months now and cant seem to get anything permanent. Im worried how the kids will take it all, it kills me that this is all my doing.

Sorry I'm going on, its just all so overwhelming right now to be honest.

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Guest legend

doubts in all relationships are common , but in my opinion , its when the doubt becomes pathological, its then most

defintley ocd at work

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Guest beecham

Hi PatsyG,

I have struggled with pretty much word for word what you have just explained! I could have written it myself - the constant doubting and analysing that is just unrelenting. In the end it puts a massive strain on a relationship so that it becomes a mixture of the ocd and problems CAUSED by the ocd.

I think you are right to take a break though and focus on yourself a bit - this is what i am doing at the moment and it has helped me tremendous amounts - it also gives you a bit of perspective. Also do your friends know about your ocd? Because Ive found that when ive been given advice from my friends it doesnt help AT ALL sometimes and that is when i know its ocd obsessing at work - because they just dont get what the problem is and i find it hard to explain the problem - at that point i know its ocd!

I hope you gain some clarity soon and although i cannot give huge amounts of advice because i am a bit stuck in the same situation, i hope it reassures you to know you arent the only one who is struggling with this :) xx

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Guest PatsyG

doubts in all relationships are common , but in my opinion , its when the doubt becomes pathological, its then most

defintley ocd at work

I know... I'm not sure how it all went now.. I know we had some real problems that caused friction. I feel like I have changed a lot as a person over the last few years,I'm a bit of an idealistic vegan hippy-he's in the army... we dont communicate well.. most people seem to think we're totally unsuitable for each other but then I know that doesnt always say much.. I just dont know. I know Ive been ocdish about the relationship in the past but I cant remember to what degree now and how close that was to the split. I know my doubts didnt distress me in the way that I just wanted them to stop, like Ive done with OCD about my children in the past; but I'm not sure, lots of maybe and what ifs :/

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Guest PatsyG

Also do your friends know about your ocd? Because Ive found that when ive been given advice from my friends it doesnt help AT ALL sometimes and that is when i know its ocd obsessing at work - because they just dont get what the problem is and i find it hard to explain the problem - at that point i know its ocd!

Hi Beecham! :)

Thank you for your reply! I am starting to tell people at the moment... I just told one of my close friends then..its quite scary as I fear that they think Im totally mental! People give me good advice on the basis of what I tell them but then I do worry my information is flawed...

Reading about this theme of ocd I really do see myself in it though... scanning for flaws, analysing, ruminating, the distress when the relationship does end... I know people react differently to situations but Ive witnessed a few break ups recently and especially the person leaving does not seem to struggle half as much as I do... I just dont know. I'm not tempted to stay though as we've come to far and I have no energy left; Ive also been in this relationship all of my teenage years and adult life, I really need a break.... why is this so diffcult for us?!

And thank you, it is reassuring I'm not the only person struggling with this! xx

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