Despair

[Purplepiper7]

This week has proven to be a challenging one. OCD's voice is screaming louder than ever. It tells me that I will hurt people, that I am hurting people, that I am a bad person, that I am always doing the wrong thing, that I am destructive, that I am always making people upset, etc. I am a living nightmare. It fills every fiber of my being with unbearable guilt. It convinces me to live by a bizarre set of rules and unrealistic moral codes. Words cannot describe the amount of remorse that runs through me, or the physical feeling of nausea and disgust that follows me everywhere. Sometimes, I fantasize about death. It is the only way that I can be truly certain that I'm not dangerous. At times, I'd like to prove to myself that I'd rather die than be the vile excuse for a person that my mind tries so hard to convince me I am. Other times, I'd like to prove to myself that I'd hurt myself before I hurt anyone else. In a twisted way, the thought of dying brings solace to my otherwise wounded soul. I am truly unsure about whether these intrusive thoughts are true or not. Perhaps the lack of sleep is playing a part in this, I'm not sure. All I know is that this worry is only getting stronger, more frightening, and more convincing. How can I ignore something that's slowly killing me?

[vintagegirl]

I can completely understand where you are coming from and I could have written this myself, I'm unsure of what steps to take to get better, I keep getting there then falling backwards again the only thought I fell comfort in is mne dying xx

[Purplepiper7]

I'm sorry that you feel this way too. ( :group:) I'm so annoyed with myself, because actually using self help tools is different than reading about them or even comprehending them and I always get stuck! Metaphorically, it's kind of like crawling out of a hole. I finally get towards the top. I just have to climb out, and then things will start moving forward. But then I fall right back in to the darn hole!

[Guest Northlad]

I can totally relate… I could have written this word for word too…. I was feeling very desperate today, have not visited this site for a few months, yours was the first post I read & it is exactly my feelings too. What can we hope for someone to say on here that has not been said a thousand time before but I am so grateful to read your post & not feel so alone. Sometimes I wish I knew someone with OCD maybe that would help in a way I don't know, its very hard even for the people who know what I go through to understand as well.

[Purplepiper7]

Hello Northlad, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way too. () I would never wish OCD on anyone, but it is nice to know that we're not all alone with this. I don't talk about it much with the people around me to be honest. In fact, I very rarely say my worries aloud. I worry that people will just say I'm an attention seeker. Also, I think it's more likely to be true if I say it out loud, even though that doesn't make much sense! Thank you for your reply, and I hope you both feel better soon.

Edited April 23, 2014 by Purplepiper7

[Ollie46]

Keep fighting, Piper, you can do this. The last few weeks have been absolute hell for me, especially today, worst I've been in months. Just remember what you said to me a while back, that was sound sad vice that we should all listen to good luck, just keep going at it. OCD is only as strong as you make it. It's not easy to weaken it, but it can be done.

Ollie

[Purplepiper7]

Thank you for your kind reply, and I'm sorry that you've had a difficult time over the past few weeks. I am feeling a little bit better today, but I'm unbearably frustrated! Frustration is a dangerous emotion. I can't help but think to myself, "what if I just start yelling at people and making them feel bad? Now I have to be even more careful!" Just about everything is getting on my nerves today, and I have no idea why! I don't want to keep fighting. I just want to go too sleep and never wake up.

[Ollie46]

Well you have to just understand that frustration is a human emotion, and it's an important emotion. Don't be afraid to lose your tag every once in a while, keeping it all inside is dangerous. If you're frustrated, show it! Tell somebody how you feel. Frustration is nothing to be ashamed or scared if, it's just something people do.

[Purplepiper7]

Thank you again for your kindness. I know that it's just an emotion, but I don't want to do anything bad as a result of the emotion. I'm not saying that being frustrated will cause someone to do bad things, but I'm worried that I'll lose my composure, or that I'll accidentally upset someone. The emotion in and of itself isn't dangerous, I'm the one that's dangerous. How can I *not* be afraid of it?

[PolarBear]

Oh I dunno. A good raging scream or cry now and then sure dissipates the anxiety for a time. It's hard enough waking up some days, let alone working hard to make sure you don't offend someone.

[Ollie46]

Yeah, let it out! Scream into a pillow!! And by the way, whilst I agree that it's not a good idea to go around actively looking to upset people, you shouldn't be afraid of it. You're going to upset people sometimes, it's just life. People will sometimes upset you as well. It isn't because you dislike them, or necessarily because they dislike you. It's because of other personal reasons. Nobody is having to go through what you're going through right now, if anything, you have a right to be upset.

[Purplepiper7]

Thank you! (:group:) Scream into a pillow? Okay, I did it. Granted, it was a pitiful scream, but I hope that's okay because I'd rather not do that again. I don't have any tears left PolarBear, I've been crying on and off for three days straight! You're right though. I shouldn't be so afraid of certain emotions, and I shouldn't be so afraid of upsetting people. It isn't getting anyone anywhere, and it's part of life. I understand that, but for some reason, I still think I shouldn't be upsetting anyone! Strangely enough, I'm not particularly worried about whether anyone likes me or not. I just need to know that I haven't upset them, offended them, or anything else along those lines. Only then can I exist in peace, until the next situation comes up of course. PolarBear, how are you feeling today? Ollie, I hope you have a better day tomorrow! (:group:)

Edited April 23, 2014 by Purplepiper7

[PolarBear]

I'm okay. Just minor rumblings on the anxious meter. Nothing unmanageable.

[Purplepiper7]

That's good PolarBear, that the ramblings are minor. I'm glad you're okay! (:group:)