Is OCD Making me a Coward?

[Winchester]

Hello all. I'm starting to think that OCD has made me a coward. When I was a kid, I had a friend who was to years older than me, and he used to take advantage of it by beating me up here and there and I wouldn't fight back. One day I decided to fight back and I became stronger than him. In general I became known as someone strong and not afraid of others.

Ocd has now ruined my image of myself, and I dont know if I should just be calling myself a coward or blaming it on the ocd. I have this fear of getting stabbed, and it will manifest itself subtly if I have to interact with someone who is aggressive or controlling.

I am a professional chess player and teacher, and this fear has even now severely interfered with my chess, where total concentration is needed. There is this player who goes to the same monthly tournament as me, and he is not the best sport when he looses. He can be very childish, although we sometimes hang out. I've known him since we were 12. One time he lost a game and left the room slamming the door. Just last week he swore under his breath after loosing. I've never seen him get violent, but i've heard him say many times things like "I should give him a fist in his face."

So anyway I played him on Tuesday night. I was hoping I'd overcome my obsession which Ive had regarding him which is that if I win he will start a fight and maybe stab me. I also worry that if I get up during the game to look at other games or get a drink or whatever (it's common for a player to get up during tournaments), then he will start a fight that I am distracting him. I also worry that if I even look to the side during the game to observe another game or just to think about our position on the board in my head (sometimes I can think ahead better without looking at the board and trying to picture it in my mind) he will call me out on it and say why an I looking away for so long.

I try and counter all this by looking away more than usual, but my mind still isnt on our game because all the time I am thinking about what Ill say to him if he starts a fight. I lost that game and feel defeated by him and by OCD, and I also feel like a coward and want to quit chess. I then played in a tournament in NY, where he wasnt even there, and did much worse than usual because I felt like a coward about him, and kept thinking Id never be able to play him with confidence.

Maybe chess is a waste of my life anyway, and I'd be better off applying myself to something else. On the other hand its always been my passion and part of my families tradition. I'd like to keep it as at least a hobby, but after the NY tournament I told myself I just need to quit totally. I feel like a complete looser. I could loose a thousand games and not be upset, but it's this fear that frustrates me.

I appreciate you guys being here for me and willing to help. Please let me know if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this situation.

Thank you.

[photog13]

Hi Winchester,

I wouldn't recommend stopping playing chess -- this seems like an avoidance of what OCD is bringing up when you play and so would be a compulsion and unhelpful in the long term.

Have you had or looked into CBT therapy to help manage the OCD?

P.S. I'm a chess player too and have an account on chess.com with the same user name (photog13) if you want to play a game some time

[Winchester]

HI photog13. Thanks a lot for your reply. Yes, that would be great to play there sometime.

I have read about CBT which has helped me in the past a lot.

I was thinking on the bus ride home today that this way of thinking is kind of a technical problem, and raises the question about when exposures can in and of themselves become obsessions. Recently people have been telling me about exposure therapy a lot, but it seems like there can be some issues with it which I wanted to ask about.

For example, I used to obsess that my wallet and keys were going to fall out of my pocket during a conversation with someone, and it would make it hard to concentrate on what the person was saying. If I was on the couch, for example, my mind would be fixed on not letting my hands rest on my lap, because the pressure from my hands could push the wallet out. What I tried doing was to purposely push the wallet a little closer to the edge of my pocket to try and say "I don't care" about the OCD. So this was kind of like an exposure, although I didn't call it that term then. The problem was that this act of pushing my wallet towards the edge became an obsession, and then I'd be constantly fiddling with it during the conversation- i.e. pushing it out and then tucking it back in.

Also, during my chess game, because I was worried my friend would start a fight with me for doing something as harmless as looking away from the board, which no one would complaint about, I began looking away from the board purposely and more than usual in order to try and fight the OCD. This, itself, though, became like an obsession that I was fixated on during the game, and it didn't help at all. I just started becoming self conscious that now I am starting to appear strange. It was kind of debilitating.

I'm interested in people's opinion on exposure therapy in general, and if they've come across this problem. I'm also interested in what things I should be saying to myself mentally next time I get this kind of OCD or something similar. Today I had the idea to just warn myself ahead of the game that I have OCD, and to set a goal to look away from the board, but only once. Does this seem like it makes sense?

Thanks again.

[photog13]

Hi Winchester,

I think setting clear boundaries, before you start, for what you are going to do as an exposure seems like a good idea. In general, asking yourself if you are doing something out of anxiety or a need to get it just right is a good thing to do. With the exposure, the goal is to go against what your OCD is telling you have to do or not do. You don't have to be perfect with the exposure -- thinking you have to get it just right can lead to a back door OCD trap.

[Guest nervous]

Hi Winchester, photog is correct setting boundaries before you start an exposure is a good idea. Right it down and try and be as specific as you can about how you are going to do it and what you think the outcome will be. In the case of the wallet if you obsession was the worry that your wallet would fall out of your pocket you don't want to think about it but if you try not to think about it you will no doubt think about it more. Try sitting down but doing nothing and try and just have a normal conversation. It is simple but doing exposure right is very very difficult which is why people struggle with it. After you do your exposure look back at your plan and your expectations, did it go as you hoped? did you achieve the outcome you thought you would? Believe there will be plenty of trial and error to get this right but don't give up because it does work.

Edited August 3, 2015 by nervous