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Regret as Rumination


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One of my main ruminations/compulsions is regret. Always going over how much I regret different things and how I "should of" "shouldn't of" or complaining and asking why or if only etc. and feeling generally both self blame and self pity. I regret things instantly, large or small, things that happened 5 seconds ago to things that happened 5 years ago. Wishing I could change them.

I know it's not good, though at the same time I'm not sure what it has to do with anxiety or reducing anxiety (the definition of the compulsions). So is it really OCD or a depression thing or what?

I try to get myself to stop though my mind always diverts back to the habit automatically. Anything else I could do? Getting tired of everything being about control or regret.

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Guest jayjay89

I think it's OCD - I do the same, I think acceptance has helped me the most with this, 'ok, I could have done something better, but I didn't and now I can't change it'. Whenever I fell in the hole of ruminating I would just repeat it to myself until I could distract myself again, over time it has definitely helped. It used to consume my entire Sunday afternoon, now I can shut it up and get on with the day

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Thanks jayjay89. For me it's a daily thing, one thing after the other.

It's not so much the fact that I could of done better that bothers me so much and beating myself up or thinking bad of myself. It's the consequences of things that is so difficult for me to accept. Even though I have always known logically that no amount of wishing or lamenting about things would be able to change the past, that knowledge could never stop my mind from wanting to loop about how much it wished it could and obsessively imagining how things would be if I had made a different choice. It's often over triggers and exposures themselves that I wish I had avoided. Or simply over things that I made actual mistakes with and didn't think of properly.

Though it usually never matters if the choices were accidental or not. If they were things of chance that I in no way could of ever predicted would happen or be there from those choices (as most things are and I'm not psychic). Though I still wish I had done the opposite things and been able to avoid them. Think about how I didn't really NEED to do x thing and should had just left or stopped or whatever that would had avoided it (if I had known there was something to avoid). Actually with a lot of exposures and triggers, my ONLY compulsion and rumination from them is regret of the exposure happening.

Or with things that I simply should of been able to predict the risks of or that they would lead to such things and was careless or had not thought ahead enough, which is easy to see in hindsight as soon as the consequences happen. Then those things are also very difficult to accept. Doesn't help that I have ADD and so am always very myopic and don't see things clearly until they are right in front of me or already past, then they're crystal clear what I should OF done, and it's too late. I don't seem to have much ability to plan good for future things and keep things organized, so it's always one regret to the next and one consequence to the next. Why I didn't do things I needed to earlier and why didn't I think of this or that.

Whenever I think about the consequences of something again or have to deal with the consequences then the regret rumination starts up again and I feel sick about them and start imagining an alternative outcome if only...

I try acceptance and I'm not as bad as I used to be, though it's only gotten me so far with it. Maybe it's perfectionism. Not perfectionism of me needing to be perfect and not accepting flaws, though of my experiences and feelings, not accepting flaws.

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Yep I get this too, I think it's predominately an OCD symptom. Constantly revisiting past or future events in your mind and thinking about all the possible scenarios. 'What if I had done this?', 'Why did I do this?', 'I should have done x then y wouldn't have happened' etc.

I believe the main way of tackling this one is through mindfulness; learning to live in the present and not the past or the future. Acceptance does help as well, you made those decisions at the time for whatever reason and you wont ever be able to change that.

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Thanks Ascend. Of course acceptance helps, it helps with everything. That is the very issue though, that I have such difficulty accepting things. If I could accept things easier than I wouldn't have these problems in the first place. hah.

It's really difficult with things that have such great consequences from such tiny random 'mistakes' that are so disproportionate to them. With the OCD and triggers and how long things last once created, so far forever... Make the smallest wrong move and your entire world falls apart! Or least parts of it. Oh there goes that piece... another piece... see ya! Not much left that isn't a trigger now.

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Why do you think you have difficulty accepting things?

Umm, cause that is what ruminating is, especially ruminating on regret. I don't let a lot of things go easily and obsess on them for ages. It's like asking someone why do they think they're depressed. Cause they feel it, they know.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest PatsyG

Yes, I can totally relate to that. Made a choice on a new place to live, it ticked all the boxes at the time but as soon as I commited to it my brain pounced on the negative, in a big way! It now seems like a HUGE mistake, I cant go to the new place without very bad anxiety which makes it very hard for me to motivate myself with the move. Im obsessed about the distance to town and I pick streets in town that would have been perfect and every time I drive past them I imagine my life if I would have moved there, how much better my life would be. It causes me huge anxiety and I have been really depressed about it. My house and this area now seems ALL wrong and the places in town are now faultless and perfect. It does cause me some difficulties living out of town so some of my feelings are understandable but it seems my brain is turning it into this HUGE thing now and it feels like the end of the world and Im already planning my next move after this one as I feel thats the only way I will ever be happy. My brains constantly screams at me that my life would be perfect was I only closer to town, its relentless; I almost want to avoid town as its so bad.

Im trying to label it as ocd and let the thoughts be which is tough, my brain is constantly demanding my attention and trying to engage me in loops.

I have to spend 10 days moving now which will be tough. My new place is like 3 roads further away from town than my current place and I literally feel every meter that Im further away from town.. it really is ridiculous. Im also constantly asking people where they live, trying to get some kinda reassurance all the time.. I wasnt sure all this was ocd but writing it down like this makes me think it is.

Sorry, its all pouring out^^ I could just really relate to what youve written here!

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4 steps didnt work so great for me,radical acceptance did,and recognizeing all your compulsions and resisting them

Regret of things throughout my life is commen place as is for all,regret helps us learn and better ourselve but ocd is self punishment

I have learnt to relax whilst resisting,so something enters your mind,the ocd tenticals grab it and so that ritual of analizeing every detail over and over begins

Now what we can do is meet that beginning spark with calmness,realize and focus on the fact that however much you search your head you will not find the awnser your looking for,or in anyway change anything thats been in this universe

But we can change our perception on life as a whole without wasteing energy on details that do not matter

It takes time,and its easy to slip back into the loop but it can be done easier than we think,we do not have a thought problem,we have an anxirty one

A spike could last for 6 months for me,with changeing my mental habits its useualy a week tops,that may not sound great but for me its huge

We will always have ocd but we can learn to manage,beat it with patience,give it time and calmness,it tries to destroy you by trying to make you rush and fight

You win by playing smart,take your time,know in your heart, youll get there,let it flow,we set up dams in our mental river

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Guest PatsyG

That sounds like good advice to me:) My brain is desperately trying to get me to engage, I keep picturing the street I want to live in (I had a chance of a viewing there but never chased it up at the time) So my head starts having the thoughts, then my anxiety kicks in which then keeps the thoughts going. Everything I think of doing like going to the beach, seeing friends, I get this voice that tells me how much easier itd be if I had got that particular house and hoe happy I could have been, its like a bully teasing me. Initially I was overjoyed I got a house at all and the the anxiety kicked in. I had to make a decision on the day back then, no time to think.. either my decision was wrong or my ocd just started kicking off.

The situation is now out of my control and even though my brain wants me to work things out constantly I will try to just let be, the though and feelings will be acknowledged but not given time and attention; they have nothing new to tell me. I'm gonna buy some paint and decorate my sons new bedroom today. Creating a happy home with happy memories is what we all need, there's no space for this horrible bully!!!

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