Help :(

[8thstar]

I just had genuine thoughts of ending my relationship because my head is too much for me. I'm so depressed at a scary point nothing has ever felt this real. I think the Relationship OCD I've had for years has drained every last inch of me that I'm so depressed all I feel towards my gf is annoyance, boredom, pain and guilt. I try everyday to say "It's the depression talking" But I swear it's never been this bad it feels like it's real and I know everybody says that but I mean SO SO SO REAL like I even used to say "This ROCD feels real" BUT IT HAS NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS. I can't even explain how real it feels I feel done with the relationship and I feel no love and I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING TO JUST FEEL SOMETHING FOR HER. I WANT HER. BUT I FEEL LIKE I DON'T. I ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE I DON'T WANT HER OR THIS RELATIONSHIP AND THAT WE HAVE NOTHING GOING FOR US. AND EVERYTHING IS NEGATIVE ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP. Well that is what my head is constantly telling me and it feels like it's true It even makes me think there is nothing I like or love about her and it feels real that there isn't because I feel like I dislike everything because of my mind it's to a point I considered ending it but then my mind is like "The only thing pulling you back is you don't want to be alone, it's not love" I'm just so scared and I want more than anything to just be able to feel something for her, to just feel like I want her and this relationship. Everything I feel is negative, I used to atleast be able to push this away but for some reason I can't anymore and every bit of fight and feeling is gone. What can I do? I can't even spice up my relationship because we only get to talk rarely online and it's been like that for so long, is that maybe why it's even worse? Long distance hurts more. We can't do anything to get some fluttery feelings back.

[ACE]

I can see clearly you're very depressed hun&if I'm correct is this the most depressed you've ever been?.I think surely it's the depression talking,I know you want the relationship to work more than anything but it's clear your mind is totally clouded by the depression&you bfeel so empty.This isn't your fault,what I would surely recommend is that are you able to see someone about your depression is you aren't already hun?.Because I think no doubt with your depression getting sorted out you will find the real you again&hopefully or I should say you'll feel better than ever&then you'll really be able to put everything and all your enrgy into the relationship.I was going to ask is your girlfriend very supportive of you&understanding?.

I don't think you're a negative person at all but because clearly of how you're feeling right now with the depression is where all the negativity is coming from.So when you get better all that negativity will disappear no doubt for sure.But I would certainly want you to see someone immediately if possible asap about how you're feeling as right now you're clearly far too unwell to focus on anything hun.I don't say that at all in a hurtful or offensive way to you :original: .

[8thstar]

I will see someone but from the other people I saw for help it didn't work at all and I feel even worse I don't even know if I should try meds but I just never leave my bed anymore and I treat myself like a piece of dirt.

And because I put my girlfriend through so much stress and pain with my insane jealousy and OCD every single day she's literally sick of it and can't take it anymore so I don't feel the support as much but I know it's because she's dealing with a lot and she's probably still trying to get over what I did so she can't handle my depression either. She says she's tired of me not taking care of myself and when I try to explain to her she says she's had enough of it and she won't be happy until I do. And that just scares me because more than anything I want her to be her NORMAL HAPPY SELF, she doesn't talk to me the same anymore, she's not loving anymore and idk how to make her like it again? It's like pressure to be my normal self and take care or myself or she won't be happy again. So that kind of makes my mind go crazy even worse with thoughts about how "Your gf isn't even supportive or caring" But she used to be so much I just feel like I have ruined everything? She's barely even here anymore too. She has more of a life now but I know 100% she's dedicated to me but my anxiety is based on becoming distant and not being able to feel ever again because we spend so little time talking now. It's like I'm too tired to talk and be in the same routine everyday but at the same time I'm desperate to talk and see if I can feel something again.

Edited July 21, 2014 by 8thstar

[ACE]

I totally understand where you're coming from&as long as you would be comfortable in seeing someone I certainly wouldn't say it to force you or anything like that :original: .Of course it would be great if you were able to get out of your depression without meds&I know this is very difficult.I say it to see someone for you because I certainly think with the right meds you can certainly feel much better and then you can properly focus on your relationship&yourself better than ever hun.I know it's not easy to explain yourself I'm sure to your GF & I know you're just stuck in this rut but I know also you can&will get out of it&I know it's very hard to see right now.I think well I can see what you stated your GF is 100% dedicated to you that is a huge positive no doubt.

Would you be comfortable in seeing someone to help you with your depression again?.Because I know you can get out of this and you get on the right meds&also to help with your OCD&Anxiety will go so far in helping you with every area of your life that you want&deserve to get better on.Have you ever tried Seroquel? I've found this amazing in helping me with my anxiety,thoughts,keeping me calm&stable etc etc.And I've been on just about every medication out there lierally&had every treatment as well.I can help you any way at all if you like with my experiences I think it may be of benfit to you with what I've been through with my life,the treataments I've had,what has helped me etc etc.

For many years I struggled terribly with the constant ruminations,overanalyzations,catastrophizing etc etc and it was absolute as bad as it could be.It's still a challenge for me but at least it's not what it was,so I'm sure I can maybe help you in some ways :original: .

[8thstar]

Thanks I should get to see a new therapist soon. I've managed to get a bit better at some stuff with OCD it's mainly just depression which is hurting my thoughts a lot. But what constantly takes a toll on me through the years with OCD is confession compulsion. I always feel like stuff is important/or I'm hiding stuff from my gf and I can't work out if it's OCD or not sometimes or if I'm really being unfaithful. Is there something I can do to stop confessing in the mean time?

[ACE]

Can you please explain/tell me hun how the confession excatly impacts on your life and what you do?.I'm glad your OCD has improved&try your best not to worry because when your depression does get better your OCD will improve a million timesw better.It makes perfect sense that your depression is impacting so badly on your life right now&certainly affecting your OCD I know how that works unfortunately.

But the big plus if I can say I think it's all the way up for you now and you can't go further down.Great you're seeing a new Therapist very soon as I agree that is so important for you :original: .