Really need some support

[Binxy]

Hi Guys,

I’ve been away for this forum for a couple of years now. I found a lot of solace here when I was struggling. I’ve had what I see now as OCD issues since I was around 13. Back then it was checking but I’ve also had issues around contamination and over the last few years I’ve had issues around ruminating over things that have happened previously, and whether I did inappropriate or horrible things. This resulted in me being very nervous around kids and having lots of intrusive thoughts. I took meds, had some CBT and eventually got through this- or at least learned to cope with the fact that these thoughts will be there.

Last week, I had a very long week at work, and at the weekend we had a big family get-together- I’d not seen some of my family for several years. I relaxed and over the day had quite a lot to drink. I remember having some intrusive thoughts around the children and mentioning this to my girlfriend at the time but I got through it. As soon as I woke up on Sunday morning, I started analysing the previous day to be sure that I hadn’t done anything inappropriate or horrible to my niece. I tried to recall everything that happened and inevitably, after a day of fairly relaxed drinking, there were holes, fuzzy bits and one or two things that I simply don’t recall (singing in the car home, for example). This completely retriggered my OCD and I’m really struggling to apply what I’ve learned. I’ve done everything wrong. I’ve ruminated, made lists of what I remember, and ruminated a load more… I couldn’t remember doing anything wrong but then thought “what if you did and forgot about it?”- I then tried to trigger memories by thinking about what I might have done. This now feels like a memory and I’m really not sure what happened and what didn’t.

I appreciate that I’ve really messed this up- I feel like I’ve gone back two years and now I’m doubting everything again. I feel the need to be absolutely sure that I haven’t done anything wrong- I’ve sought reassurance, felt better and then felt terrible again. I should know better.

I’m off the wagon folks and I could really do with some support.

I hope you’re all well and have been coping ok.

[Guest beecham]

Hi Binxy.

Instead of making a list of things you remember in the night, maybe you could make a list of all the techniques you learnt in the past that helped you before, cbt wise? Just to get you started. I find that when im in the midst of ocd i actually just forget how im meant to be treating it! So it could help to see in writing what you have to do? It might be helpful to see your therapist that you saw before so they can put you on the right tracks and give you a bit of professional support too But I see no reason why the cbt methods you used before wont work now if you begin to apply them

Above all dont kick yourself for falling back into it - its part and parcel of ocd and sometimes it just happens. Hope you feel better soon xxx

[Binxy]

Hi Beecham,

Thanks. I couldn't believe how defenceless I felt on Sunday. I just couldn't resist going over it. Back then I really didn't think that I'd done anything and it was just a matter of checking. 4-5 days later I've ruminated so much that I'm exhausted and I feel like I don't know what's real anymore.

Binx

[Guest beecham]

Yeah i can totally relate with this. Keep refocusing and not spending your energies on it and it will start to lose it grip

[Binxy]

Thanks. I'm trying.

[Binxy]

My girlfriend has just been talking about a conversation this weekend that I barely remember... horrible feeling in my gut again now.

[Guest Noo]

Hi Binxy, I suffer from the same anxieties as you and I just wanted to say that going there and having a drink is a massive achievement and you should be proud. I can't even spend time with my niece and nephew never mind have a drink of alcohol too despite my CBT therapist suggesting this is ultimately what I need to do.

Think about how well you have done.

Noo xx

[Binxy]

It was purely accidental. I remember being a little concerned last week but work was so crazy that I was determined to enjoy myself. I had some issues during the day. I recall these, I think I was able to let them go. But I can't remember how I felt all of the time. If I could go back, I wouldn't drink again. It'a shame, as I do like a drink. But I can't go through this again.

[PolarBear]

The problem is not that you can't remember. The problem is that you think it is wrong that you can't remember.

[Guest Noo]

But even when a person was stone cold sober at the time they can't reflect back on a past situation and remember EVERYTHING they felt in that given situation.

You've been triggered and when that first happens it's awful, it happened to me just recently on the first day of my holiday and ruined the whole holiday but you recognise that you haven't dealt with this trigger in the most helpful way but the gut wrenching anxiety of a new trigger will ease as long as you try really hard from now not to ruminate on the matter any further x

[Binxy]

Hi Polarbear,

Thanks. Can you clarify what you mean, please?

[PolarBear]

No one remembers everything and it doesn't bother the vast majority of people. It is normal and okay that you can't remember everything. What is a problem is that youare coconcerned that you can't remember and that you have gone through steps to try and remember.

[Guest Noo]

That makes perfect sense PolarBear but how would we best deal with this?

[Binxy]

Thanks Noo,

It's so frustrating. I know how to deal with it. If feels worse somehow because I had been drinking. It feels like this makes it harder because it's possible to drink and forget things. It makes me question the whole OCD diagnosis again.

[PolarBear]

The best thing to do is leave it alone. Stop the compulsions, which do nothing but keep your current worry top of mind. Stop over analyzing that day and what may or may not have happened. Don't try to reconstruct what happened. Just let the thought be with no input from you at all. Get on with your day.

[Binxy]

Thanks for taking the time to post Polarbear. I'll keep working at it. I appreciate the support

[PolarBear]

You're most welcome.

[Guest OCD-in-ireland]

Hi Binxy,

Im sorry to hear that you are going through so much distress at the moment. I can completely relate to this one. I have a huge irrational fear of Alcohol which i know i have developed through my own fault of avoidance in the past. It has gotten to the point where I hugely overestimate the effects of alcohol and the duration that they can last for. But as you probably know, OCD knows better than Science

But what I wanted to share with you is something that my Therapist said to me when I was distressed about being afraid of not remembering every moment of an event. She said that noone, regardless of being sober or have drunken alcohol, can recall events of past hours with accuracy, so to try to do so is destined to fail as it is an impossible task. This was told to me after a solid month of ruminations and memory scanning so as you can imagine my trust of my memory is rather weak (Due to the ruminations). Im not sure if this is helpful but just sharing my experience.

How are you feeling about the event now?