Health anxiety

[Eric Dave]

Hi. I am worried I have Motor Neurone disease. I thought I felt tingling and buzzing/vibrating sensations in my feet earlier. This ice bucket challenge has also brought the disease back into my consciousness. How do you ignore 'symptoms' when they occur and instill fear?

By the way my 'HOCD' or what I used to think was HOCD appears to be just being plain old gay and not wanting to be. I have read so many stories on Empty Closets including one guy who Dr.Phillipson tells him he was certain he has HOCD and was not gay and this guy is now ready to be gay and leave his wife.

They say people with ocd never act on their fears or never act out on their fears but I am now believing that gay denial/internalised homophobia mimics HOCD.

[Hal]

How do you ignore 'symptoms' when they occur and instill fear?

With difficulty really, but as you've recognised these doubts for what they are (by posting) ignoring them's the only way forward - the other, well, we both know where ruminating, questioning gets us, absolutely nowhere except more and more stuck.

I'm glad you've made a breakthrough over your earlier fears, OCD does have a nasty habit of jumping from one 'theme' to another, maybe that's what's happening here with the health fears around MND.

[Eric Dave]

I am experiencing buzzing/vibrations in my left foot. I think I might have MND. It wouldn't surprise me as the gay worries have put me under enormous stress for years and I wanted to die. Now I might get my wish.

[Hal]

I think I might have MND.

The keyword there's might - it's possible, anything is when it comes to health unfortunately, but you've also got to remember you're living with a disorder that likes to take a possibility and run with it.........where to go from here really comes down to how much you feel you can live with the doubt.

If it were me, I'd take the route of being responsible but not giving into the OCD immediately by postponing seeing a doctor for their opinion for a couple of weeks and then reassess.

My guess is, if you can keep going with the refocusing and trying not to focus on how your foot's feeling, the physical symptoms will probably disappear of their own accord.

[gingerbreadgirl]

mnd is fantastically rare. the feeling in your foot is more likely due to something else. I would see your gp if I was you.

[Eric Dave]

I think I am getting pins and needles and buzzing in my left leg and foot.

And also still worrying about being gay all day too.

Now I think Im gay and dying

[Guest itsnotmeitsmyocd]

Hiya Eric,

Have you decided to get any help for your OCD yet? It's common for intrusive thoughts to switch themes, it's actually no different, ocd is ocd regardless of the theme it's taking.

I do not believe for one moment that Dr. Phillipson told this person { on the empty closets forum } that he was was not gay, as it goes totally against the fundamentals of Dr Phillipsons treatment process.

If you get help Eric (assuming that you have not already) what have you actually got to loose by doing so? Do you actually want to get better and lead a "normal" life ? Sorry if that sounds harsh, i do totally understand your pain, i have been where you are and could only see/feel darkness and terror. Some days it's still like this, but they are fewer and further between. And this is down to the fact that i now have a good therapist and work tooth and nail exposure wise, fighting for my freedom.

You can do it too you know, i am nothing special at all, you do not even have to believe you will recover, just believe in your trying to do so and working hard to do so, and the rest will look after itself.

[Hal]

Hi Eric,

And also still worrying about being gay all day too.

...........have you been able to cut down how many compulsions you're performing while you had a break from the forum from late July?

I've been wracking my brains trying to think of another angle to help you see the wood for the trees, but I can't come up with anything that hasn't already been suggested in your previous posts..............with the best will in the world only you can change how you're reacting to the doubts/thoughts surrounding your sexuality and the compulsions (checking 'EmptyClosets' physical sensations etc).

I know in the past you've felt uneasy saying where you're based, I respect your privacy but would it help to possibly contact Ashley for his advice for accessing more support and treatment where you live?

Please give it some thought, you don't have to suffer like this and you shouldn't have to.......but, and I know this may sound a little harsh, but each of us can only choose to take that step further forward. I know I've asked this before, but would Dr Phillipson be an option to consult again?

There maybe elements you could iron out with him that you've only become aware of after the therapy with him came to an end.

Hal

[Eric Dave]

I spoke with a guy on Empty Closets who goes to Dr.Phillipson abut hocd. Phillsipson assured him he had hocd and was not gay. His told his wife he had hocd and they even joke about him being gay. Bu this guy has recently told his wife he's gay and its not just hocd. She broke down crying. He seems to love her but he now realises hes gay and was just holding out hope it was ocd.

I relate to this unfortunately. I relate to many stories on that website and the truth is staring me in the face unless this is a major delusion.

This is another quote I read fromt he forum admin Chip on empty closets:

”So I don’t think what you’ve said above necessarily discounts the idea of having a girlfriend because some part of you knows society expects that. I had three girlfriends, each of which I was with for an extended period of time (over 6 months) in high school and up to my mid-20s. Each one of them I “loved” and felt romantic toward, kissed, hogged, cuddled with. None of that was forced, and when the first two relationships (in high school) ended, I was pretty devastated. So clearly it wasn’t forced or fake. (and actually, the first two relationships ended, not by my choice, because sex didn’t happen.)

But looking back, I never really had any desire to have sex with any of them. I mean, I sort of did, but when it happened, for me at least, it really wasn’t very fulfilling.

And the interesting thing is… I never once considered I was gay while I was with them. It wasn’t until after I broke up with the third one that I finally started thinking about what it all meant, and how I was actually feeling attraction to men. Looking back, the signs were definitely there, but denial can be really powerful.

So your experience may be different, but what I describe is actually pretty common.”

When I read this stuff it relates to my situation but he just seemed to accept it where as I desperately dont want to be gay. When I mention this Im told its denial and not accepting myself. Ive been accused of being homophobic on other forums which Im not I just am scared of being gay myself. I am also scared of gay people which is embarrasing to say too. But I dont hate them. I just was never around gay people as a kid or adult.

I did go to the doctor the other day to get a referral but it was too busy. I might try again. I have really lost faith in therapists tbh. I saw Phillipson for a year and then his assistant for another year. It costs me thousands and thousands and I feel no better. And he's supposed to be the best.

I know how Im acting is obsessive but apparently many many gay people are devastated when they find nout they are gay too and want to be 'normal' so this could maybe mimic ocd.

I also posted on Jon Hershfields site and he's very kind that he replies because god knows I must be an insufferable ******* to listen to but I never believe anyone who says these things are a manifestation of ocd. My arousals say differently.

Witht he health ocd I know this is not normal. I know there is an excellent chance it is ocd as I ahve been PROVEN not to have diseases I thought I had. The gay fears seem to actually be true though no matter how much I dont want them to be.

Legend says on here ocd people never act on their fears. I masturbate about men now because I get a horny feeling down below when I see a topless guy etc.. Topless pics of girls no longer do anything for me even though they once did.I am getting to the point where Im tempted to kiss a guy to end this fear.

[Guest Soldiering on]

Hi. I am worried I have Motor Neurone disease. I thought I felt tingling and buzzing/vibrating sensations in my feet earlier. This ice bucket challenge has also brought the disease back into my consciousness. How do you ignore 'symptoms' when they occur and instill fear?

By the way my 'HOCD' or what I used to think was HOCD appears to be just being plain old gay and not wanting to be. I have read so many stories on Empty Closets including one guy who Dr.Phillipson tells him he was certain he has HOCD and was not gay and this guy is now ready to be gay and leave his wife.

They say people with ocd never act on their fears or never act out on their fears but I am now believing that gay denial/internalised homophobia mimics HOCD.

You think you've got problems... It's like something under the skin wants out...

They do this daily, both of them, although tonight they're going mental. Wouldn't mind, but I haven't even been running for nearly two weeks,

so God knows why the motor neurons are firing so wildly. Sometimes I feel this in my fingers and I see veins pulsing in my arms.

I feel my toe cramping up too, as you'd expect when the muscles under the skin in my leg are going CRAZY.

I have a numbness at the base of my skull at lots of points during the day. I have lost muscle mass in my shoulders, forearms and other parts of body.

I lose weight despite recently eating about 3000 calories a day.

Am I worried about ALS? Terrified....

Of course the more benign explanation, one I keep coming back to, is an overactive thyroid.

[Hal]

I did go to the doctor the other day to get a referral but it was too busy. I might try again. I have really lost faith in therapists tbh. I saw Phillipson for a year and then his assistant for another year. It costs me thousands and thousands and I feel no better. And he's supposed to be the best.

I can't really comment on the quality of treatment you received, I do know Dr Phillipson's well respected and his articles and lectures have always been sound in my opinion, but, how to put this - do you feel you were able to fully comply with what he was recommending?

If I'm honest with you Eric I didn't with my therapist, not to begin with at least - I thought talking through the problem would be enough to solve it, but after little to no progress I was honest and we went back a couple of steps and began again with the ERP.

I know my issues aren't the same as yours (and again I think I've said this before) but maybe untangling the cognitive issues would be something you need to tackle alongside the ERP and that's probably going to have to come from a therapist again.

but I never believe anyone who says these things are a manifestation of ocd. My arousals say differently..

The thing is though, no one's asking you to believe, all the advice given is geared towards helping you to work towards treating the thoughts, fears and doubts appropriately and then you at least stand a much better chance of seeing just how much the disorder's affecting you - and when it comes to the arousals, you've got to take those out of the equation (Scott's article - anxiety and its physical effects etc).

At some point you've got to make a firm decision one way or another and for an extended period of time with how you're going to deal with the problem - wavering between the two options and forums is only ever going to guarantee you don't make headway and achieve a breakthrough.

It's frustrating (putting it lightly) when we've seen the people we hoped would help us and they haven't, but there are other therapists out there that might be able to help it click for you, but I do think we also need to be honest with ourselves with where we might be going wrong, where we could possibly be holding ourselves back.....but please, will you try again with your doctor?

Hal

[Eric Dave]

I had another spike filled day. I woke up and had buzzing in my left leg again and was worried about dying again. Then later today I saw 3 guys who really had ane effect on me.

This is how I describe it:

Walking along street or shopping centre and see a guy who is either good looking or lookds gay to me and kind of good looking. I feel a strong intense feelign in my stomach or chest. Its not tightening just an intense feeling. Maybe this is butterflies and attraction that people speak of?? I never expereiced it for women in my life. Its like too intense and I feel the need to look away. I think this is because maybe its attraction and I dont want to feel it so want to suppress it by looking away. Also I can make my penis get a semi if I look at them which is new to me now. This wasnt the case for the last 7yrs of ''HOCD''. I think its plausable I feel shame because of this 'attraction' if it is that and then I dont want to expereice it so look away. I am not 100% sure if its attraction or fear causing this intensity. But it makes sense that it is attraction. I feel uncomfortable when it happens so maybe internalised homophobia is at play...? I think I may have always had this intensity looking at guys and always looked away to avoid feeling it unconsciously. I certainly never explored it or dwelled on it probably due to fear of what I might discover about myself.

I just cannot see how I am not gay. My foot is tingling aswell so I feel bloody awful right now. I fear Ive MND , dying and miserable becasue Im gay.

[gingerbreadgirl]

do you mind me asking what exactly you're trying to achieve with this?

as Hal says - now is the time to decide one way or another.

[Saffie]

I've read Eric's posts on another forum. After about 20 replies he did not listen and kept referring back to the gay symptoms. I can understand how distressing it is to you Eric but you don't seem to take any action to help yourself, even in small ways. Now is the time to deal with this and you know by now you will never get an answer to this, that's not the aim anyway.

[Eric Dave]

I need answers whether this is ocd or just being gay in denial. But I need to explain my sensations and experiences fully.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Why do you think someone else can give you the answers?

You've been given answers dozens of times but you don't believe what you're told.

Edited September 4, 2014 by gingerbreadgirl

[Eric Dave]

Another **** day. Walking around town feeling happy then BANG! I see a guy and feel very intense in my stomach/chest and uncomfortable with a feeling down below. Is this what sexual attraction is?

Edited September 5, 2014 by Eric Dave

[Hal]

Could it not be anxiety Eric?

[Eric Dave]

Possibly. But read post #4 here

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/150911-what-does-attraction-feel-like-butterflies.html

[Guest lizinlondon]

This is a compulsion.

[Caramoole]

Possibly. But read post #4 here

This just demonstrates how you're viewing this through OCD spectacles.

You asked someone what Butterflies felt like (no mention of OCD/anxiety or why), just a simple question.

A 24 year old has described what Butterflies feel like to her. That's all it says. It's your OCD that's taking this the extra five miles and reading between the lines.

You often tell us what "someone" on Open Closets says. These are people (mostly I presume) who are not familiar with OCD or OCD sufferers. There are hundreds of posts here on OCD-UK that tell you exactly the opposite, people who do know about OCD. Why is it that your mind doesn't accept their opinions as strongly?

DOUBT and the need to be 1000% certain = OCD

[Eric Dave]

I dont want to spike anybody but it seems that sexuality is very misunderstood amongst ocd people/therapist and so label any distress about ones orientation as ocd when in reality I am most likely not accepting myself. I find myself relating to many gay people on there unfortunately.

I think the ocd is the symptom not the cause. I dont want to be gay but that doesnt mean its ocd.

This girl described most likey what Im going through when I see guys. This makes me sad. I am probably internalised homohobe because I really dont want to be gay but my bodily urges will guarnatee it happens

[Caramoole]

Then there's not really anything to be gained by discussing it further from an OCD angle.

It is perhaps time to make a decision about where you move forward, whether that is in a gay relationship, whether it's non-participatory or whether you explore matters with a therapist who's specialist in such matters.

[PolarBear]

I agree. If you've made up your mind then stopping wasting your time on an OCD forum. You don't listen to anything anyone says here so why continue to post?

[mummyoftwogirls]

I feel your pain , your trapped and feel helpless .can I give you a perspective . When I had relationship doubts that were fueled by my ocd I sought advice on forums not ocd ones and friends a lot of people thought if I was feeling doubt then I didn't truely love my partner. What they fail to understand is we can not compare our doubt on the same level as a non ocd sufferer our doubt is completely different does that make sense . I dont have that ocd anymore and can see how utterly ridiculous it was , had I taken a non cods sufferers advice I may not still be in a loving relationship.

If a non ocd sufferer was questioning his sexuality I may tend to think that it was needed that they explore this curiosity BUT the fact you have ocd and you can't come to a conclusion tells me this is an ocd doubt not a real doubt