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Obsessive behavior - shopping on eBay


Guest Jenniferj

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Guest Jenniferj

Hi just wondered if any one else's loved ones who have ocd find that it spills over into so many other areas of their lives? My son has contamination centred ocd but has responded to medication and has got his contamination issues and related compulsions under control but he still gets intensely obsessed about stuff and won't give up if he wants something. He is 16 but throws tantrums like a kid and gets really angry and abusive if I try to reason with him. He has a job but constantly shops on eBay and sees stuff he must have and panics in case someone else might buy it and then starts badgering me to lend him the money. I usually give in then he pays me back when he gets paid but often stuff comes that he bought on impulse or on the back of a latest obsession then he regrets it if it's not what he thought etc then he has a complete meltdown . Before he had a job this cost me a fair bit but now he works it doesn't but his dad who is out a lot is very critical of my giving in and very judgemental but he is never here when my son starts on at me to help him buy stuff - it's relentless and the cost of saying no is more expensive if a meltdown ends in broken furniture etc. i am sad because I know helping my son to buy stuff in this way is not in his best interests but it's so hard. I am also sad cos my husband is so mean to my son and me and I can't believe he can't at least be understanding of how hard it is and that my son doesn't want to be like he is. When my son is having a meltdown it would just be so nice if my husband , instead of joining in and having an "I told you so" rant (which insenses my son and makes it worse), would either keep out of it or just be sympathetic to my sins suffering. Anyway - needed to vent and I live in a different time zone from my mum and sister - don't have friends who would understand this one - you have to live with ocd to have any idea what it's like . Thanks for listening , JJ

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Guest Sally44

My son is on the autistic spectrum and so he does have obsessions about things and he does have meltdowns. Many children/adults on the spectrum have OCD traits, but my son had enough of them, to such a clinical significant level that he was diagnosed with OCD too.

With my son I just don't give in. He has a budget and that is it. If I give in then he would expect me to give in the next time, and so a meltdown would result. So I find if easier to set the rules and stick to them. Yes he will have a major meltdown if I refuse, but once he understands I won't give in the demands are much lesser.

When your son breaks things if he does not get his own way is this a deliberate act, or is he getting himself into such a state that things get broken and once he has calmed down he is very remorseful?

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Guest Jenniferj

No he doesn't break things on purpose - just lashes out. I think is is on the spectrum too but very high functioning. He has his own version of logic which makes sense to him but is actually not logical - his psych thinks his brain is wired differently and his thought processes are not like the majority of other peoples - it makes life hard to understand for him .

I know I should stand up to him and set boundaries but he somehow plays me (he is very clever and good with words) and before I know it it's a let me buy it or I'll die situation - obsession or addiction either way it is hard to say no.

We can talk about it at next pysch review as it has escalated since his getting a job - it's all very complicated - he works which is healthy and a huge step in recovery - he works because he wants to buy things - he can't see why his getting an advance through us is any different from us borrowing from the bank ir using credit card - he accepts a credit limit of $200 and does pay back and keep to this.

I think my postwas more about his dad's lack of understanding and support. My husband oozes disapproval and disappointment and my son pick up on this and gets verbally into one with him. My son swears at his dad and then his dad latches onto the don't talk to me like that never mind the look or comment that triggered it. I try to intervene and get him (my husband) to calm down and see that his anger just makes it worse but then he just gets angry with me and strops off all hard done by as if the rest of us are wrong.

We has a stint of family therapy but only I was really willing to go and took it seriously so it didn't help much .

My son has to manage severe ocd by taking a lot if drugs. He finds life hard - every day things are a challenge and he has recovered so much in the last year - he works , he gets his own meals if I'm out ( used to starve unless someone made him food) he has even gotten his medical done to apply for a learner permit ( even thou his has ocd thoughts re that) and yet all my husband wants is for him to "grow up and leave home" . I want that too but not until hes mature enough to cope with stuff. He only just went to the gp on his own for first time the other day . It's hard to explain it all on here.

But thanks for your reply . I have been pretty close to hell and back in the last 4 years with my sons ocd. Now we live nearer to normal lives. It's a hideous condition and part of my heart will forever be broken because my son had to live with this mental affliction but like all disabilities you have to keep moving forward and on the whole we are doing that.

I hope things for you and your family are getting better and that you have the help and support you need x

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Hi Jennifer, Im sure lots of people on here can pick out different parts of your son's OCD and can recognise them in their child or family member.

OCD can creep into many different areas of life and change. It totally threw me off the scent when my son was younger because he would do one thing for a while, that would stop and I would think, not OCD then and then something else would happen. He went through a stage when he had to have things (not sure e-bay had started then) but he would pour over catalogues. I don't know how many watches he had.

If you son always pay you back, could you let him keep the money you give him for one month (if he is paid monthly) and let him catch up so that after that he only spends what he has? Hopefully the psychiatrist will work on this with him.

Don't feel guilty about giving in, we all know we shouldn't but we do have to survive and sometimes its just too exhausting to argue. For me it was usually after I had gone to sleep and would say anything to be left alone.

Its great your son has made so many steps forward, you must be very proud of him and I really hope he gets to drive, which will give him even more independence. It sad for him that his Dad can't see that. Some people and I hate to say this, but in our family mainly the men, just don't get mental health and my son is convinced they all disapprove of him. A pressure which just makes things worse.

My son's OCD is mainly 'internal' and he says 'none of you can understand what it is like to live with this, not even the experts' and to be honest he is right. I saw one Dad on TV who said he feels as though he is grieving for the son he should have had. The saddest thing my son has ever said to me is 'what would I have been without OCD?'

None of this helps you though does it. If you haven't already, can I suggest going to the main website http://www.ocduk.org and then the drop down 'Your OCD' and looking at various articles and films on there. I have to thank you because I hadn't watched Claire's film before and it reduced me to tears! Look at 'Behind a Mind'. Perhaps your husband would watch it too as Claire talks about the importance of being a team.

I hope this might help a little bit.

Carol

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