advice please

[Guest tinkerbelle]

Please will somebody advise me how I can get my daughter to let me see her scalp. It was 5th December when she last let me wash her hair. Since then she has kept it covered with a hat night and day.Total opposite from the ocd rituals about washing and checking her hair. She is scratching her head more and more and flatly refuses to let me look at it. I am scared she may have things in her scalp, though how I am not sure because to catch something one has to be in contact with it hasnt one? She has no desire to bathe regularly either. What am I going to do now? She refuses to see anybody regarding help.

I know I am trying hard to keep positive but I am her carer too and responsible for her wellbeing. I am so scared of someone eventually accusing me of neglect but I really am trying to keep her clean. I know she has a right not to wash if she chooses but she is looking so unkempt even with my best attempts, and still wants to go out to the shops or library when she takes the inclination. I take her because she gets so depressed at home and nobody else will because they cant cope with her incontinence. I have to take spare clothes out wherever we go .

This is driving me sick with worry. She was like this when she began 5 years ago and it took along time to get her to go near water. Things got a little better last year when she began letting me showerher occasionally but we are going backwards again. She wont wash her hands, face hasnt been washed for a long time, she is scared of anything touching her face. Yet if we dont mention the problem she is the sweetest person you could ever wish to meet.

What am I going to do. My other daughter doesnt say much but is relying on me to keep everywhere clean.

Hypnosinc quoted Dante... abandon all hope... etc. Cope. I can do if somebody will tell me how I can get her to face this and let me help.

Love Tinkerbelle

[Rose]

Hi Tinkerbelle

Sorry to hear about your daughter.

I can't really advise you about the washing, but I would imagine her scalp itching is due to irritation rather than anything more sinister.

It's good that she still wants to go out, though I can see that's difficult for you.

I've been reading your posts, I think you have a great attitude. Stay strong.

Rose

[Guest Deb]

I'm with Dixie, your strength and determination is wonderful.

I haven't a clue though to be honest.

Let me have a think, it's a tough one. I'll see if I can come up with anything.

It's ok to say "care or help" someone, no one gives you the instruction manual though do they? Mindblowing.

Put my thinking cap on............

Debx

[Guest tinkerbelle]

I'm with Dixie, your strength and determination is wonderful.

I haven't a clue though to be honest.

Let me have a think, it's a tough one. I'll see if I can come up with anything.

It's ok to say "care or help"  someone, no one gives you the instruction manual though do they? Mindblowing.

Put my thinking cap on............

Debx

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Thanks Rose and Deb.

Any suggestions will be gratefully recieved. It is heartbreaking to see my lovely daughter like this. The support I am getting from this site helps me a lot. I know I am not alone and somebody will listen to ME. Thanks again for replying and being there. I will keep you up to date.

Love Tinkerbelle

[Guest Hypnosinc]

Hi Tinkerbelle,

You're getting me a tiny bit concerned, that you are now becoming obsessed with your daughter's hair. I know that what is at the bottom of this is a desire for her to be healthy, and I can fully empathise, but this goes back to what I said before - the hardest thing for you to do is NOTHING, but right at this moment it is the most appropriate thing for you to do. Sit on your hands and bite your tongue, or vice versa.

Worrying about what is going on under her hat isn't going to help you. If she is itching and scratching she probably has a skin condition, such as seborrhea. It won't be head-lice, they only like clean hair. Of course any skin condition isn't going to improve unless she washes her hair with a medicated shampoo. Eventually, it is possible that she will become so fed up with the itchiness, that she will do anything to stop it, - which might include shaving her head down to the scalp. I'm not sure whether you would find that more acceptable.

But you can't resolve to let her discover for herself that she needs to take this personal responsibility, and yet keep sneaking up behind her with a torch and a nit comb. Give yourself a break from all this anxiety, honey. Stand back and try and get on with a life for yourself.

Glad to see your Mum's coming over, by the way. I hope it goes well.

[Guest tinkerbelle]

Hi Tinkerbelle,

You're getting me a tiny bit concerned, that you are now becoming obsessed with your daughter's hair.  I know that what is at the bottom of this is a desire for her to be healthy, and I can fully empathise, but this goes back to what I said before - the hardest thing for you to do is NOTHING, but right at this moment it is the most appropriate thing for you to do. Sit on your hands and bite your lip, or vice versa.

Worrying about what is going on under her hat isn't going to help you. If she is itching and scratching she probably has a skin condition, such as seborrhea. It won't be head-lice, they only like clean hair. Of course any skin condition isn't going to improve unless she washes her hair with a medicated shampoo. Eventually, it is possible that she will become so fed up with the itchiness, that she will do anything to stop it, - which might include shaving her head down to the scalp. I'm not sure whether you would find that more acceptable.

But you can't resolve to let her discover for herself that she needs to take this personal responsibility, and yet keep sneaking up behind her with a torch and a nit comb.  Give yourself a break from all this anxiety, honey. Stand back and try and get on with a life for yourself.

Glad to see your Mum's coming over, by the way. I hope it goes well.

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Hi Sinclaire,

Thanks. Its just that I am so scared as to how bad she will let this get then the people who eventually have to come and sort it out will blame me. I cant get in her room to clean it as she wont let me. It stinks, and I am so upset. She wont even allow the curtains to be drawn back, they havent been opened for months.

My daughter is mild to moderately physically disabled in her mobility only. She can do much for herself and does , but this is classed as self neglect yet she cannot grasp how important it is to take care or pride in herself.

She is highly intelligent and a joy to talk to in many subjects yet all this is getting hard to cope with as she wont allow anybody to help. I am the only one and I am still having to obey. I try, yet the practicalities of her disablement stop me from saying I wont or cant do this.

Anyway, thanks again, I am really thankful to you. You shouldnt be posting at this time, you must be exhausted.

By the way, my Mum gave backword, said she wont come because my daughter isnt ready to see her yet.

Take care

Love Tinkerbelle

[Guest tinkerbelle]

Hi Tinkerbelle,

You're getting me a tiny bit concerned, that you are now becoming obsessed with your daughter's hair.  I know that what is at the bottom of this is a desire for her to be healthy, and I can fully empathise, but this goes back to what I said before - the hardest thing for you to do is NOTHING, but right at this moment it is the most appropriate thing for you to do. Sit on your hands and bite your lip, or vice versa.  

Worrying about what is going on under her hat isn't going to help you. If she is itching and scratching she probably has a skin condition, such as seborrhea. It won't be head-lice, they only like clean hair. Of course any skin condition isn't going to improve unless she washes her hair with a medicated shampoo. Eventually, it is possible that she will become so fed up with the itchiness, that she will do anything to stop it, - which might include shaving her head down to the scalp. I'm not sure whether you would find that more acceptable.

But you can't resolve to let her discover for herself that she needs to take this personal responsibility, and yet keep sneaking up behind her with a torch and a nit comb.  Give yourself a break from all this anxiety, honey. Stand back and try and get on with a life for yourself.

Glad to see your Mum's coming over, by the way. I hope it goes well.

31924[/snapback]

Hi Sinclaire,

Thanks. Its just that I am so scared as to how bad she will let this get then the people who eventually have to come and sort it out will blame me. I cant get in her room to clean it as she wont let me. It stinks, and I am so upset. She wont even allow the curtains to be drawn back, they havent been opened for months.

My daughter is mild to moderately physically disabled in her mobility only. She can do much for herself and does , but this is classed as self neglect yet she cannot grasp how important it is to take care or pride in herself.

She is highly intelligent and a joy to talk to in many subjects yet all this is getting hard to cope with as she wont allow anybody to help. I am the only one and I am still having to obey. I try, yet the practicalities of her disablement stop me from saying I wont or cant do this.

Anyway, thanks again, I am really thankful to you. You shouldnt be posting at this time, you must be exhausted.

By the way, my Mum gave backword, said she wont come because my daughter isnt ready to see her yet.

Take care

Love Tinkerbelle

31925[/snapback]

Hi,

Just heard I have got an interview for a part time job next Tuesday.

Could be just the thing for me if Iam lucky enough to be accepted.

Tinkerbelle

[Rose]

Hi Tinkerbelle

I do feel for you, your daughter's disability must make this more difficult. I think when dealing with OCD, though, it's sometimes a bit hard to 'tell the wood from the trees.' (Or perhaps that's just me... :dry: ) Maybe you could write down the things you do for your daughter that are absolutely essential because of her disability - I mean really basic things, not fetching videos etc. - and only do those for a while. This might make life easier for you and encourage your daughter to take more responsibility for herself. Please don't think I'm preaching, I find this difficult myself. As Sinclair said, it's sometimes the hardest thing to do nothing. (But it gets easier with practice!)

It is difficult to reconcile the person you know and love, with the way they become with OCD. I work with young children, and OCD reminds me of a small child who hasn't learned to cope with not getting their own way. You know, they ask you for something 95 times on the principal that you might give in on the 96th. If you don't, they either have a tantrum or sit muttering in the corner, giving you dirty looks and working out how to outwit you the next time. It's a lot harder when it's not a child but a highly articulate young adult, though, and it can sometimes be distressing.

If it's any consolation, my elder daughter's room is in a pretty awful state and she doesn't have OCD, it's partly a teen thing. But I don't clean in there, she does (in theory, anyway...). I know there can be added issues with contamination OCD, some of which I'm experiencing at the moment, but I would maybe leave your daughter's room alone for now. I used to imagine I'd be plagued with pests if I did this, but it hasn't happened yet.

Best of luck for the job interview.

Rose

[Guest tinkerbelle]

Hi Tinkerbelle

I do feel for you, your daughter's disability must make this more difficult.  I think when dealing with OCD, though, it's sometimes a bit hard to 'tell the wood from the trees.' (Or perhaps that's just me... )  Maybe you could write down the things you do for your daughter that are absolutely essential because of her disability - I mean really basic things, not fetching videos etc. - and only do those for a while.  This might make life easier for you and encourage your daughter to take more responsibility for herself.  Please don't think I'm preaching, I find this difficult myself.  As Sinclair said, it's sometimes the hardest thing to do nothing.  (But it gets easier with practice!)

It is difficult to reconcile the person you know and love, with the way they become with OCD. I work with young children, and OCD reminds me of a small child who hasn't learned to cope with not getting their own way.  You know, they ask you for something 95 times on the principal that you might give in on the 96th.  If you don't, they either have a tantrum or sit muttering in the corner, giving you dirty looks and working out how to outwit you the next time.  It's a lot harder when it's not a child but a highly articulate young adult, though, and it can sometimes be distressing.

If it's any consolation, my elder daughter's room is in a pretty awful state and she doesn't have OCD, it's partly a teen thing.  But I don't clean in there, she does (in theory, anyway...).  I know there can be added issues with contamination OCD, some of which I'm experiencing at the moment, but I would maybe leave your daughter's room alone for now. I used to imagine I'd be plagued with pests if I did this, but it hasn't happened yet.       

Best of luck for the job interview.

Rose

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Dear Rose

Thank you for your reply. You are so right in what you say. It is so good to be able to talk to someone at last (after so many years) who understands through the same experiences. Your posts are so welcome. I am feeling so selfish though talking about how I feel all the time when you and so many others are going through the same sort of distress.Plato said "be kind for everyone you meet is going through a hard battle". Sometimes a little kick up the backside works wonders.

Anyway, today has been a good day. Took my daughter out shopping(got insulted in the post office which was most upsetting. The guy behind the counter seemed to have a problem with my daughter being in a wheelchair and he addressed me ignoring my daughter and expected me to deal with her transaction and got quite rude when my I told him my daughter wanted to do this herself. We asked if we could usethe lower counter and he got flustered and refused saying I should help my daughter more. In the end I had to physically lift her out of her chair to stand and complete her transaction. She was very upset at his rudeness and embarrased as everybody was watching. A couple of people stopped me afterwards and said it was disgraceful and I should complain. I was furious but my daughter wanted to get out of there and said it is her fault for being disabled. How heartbreaking does that sound? Anyway I have written to the postmaster general there and told him exactly what I think.

After that we had lunch in kfc then went shopping. She bought some pretty tops and tonight she showered (but kept her hat on) and tried them on to see if they fit. They do, and she is feeling better now. Think she is trying to come to terms with her disability now and feels inadequate. Perhaps this is the base line of the whole situation. It started when she left school and went to college. From a fairlysheltered school life she was thrown into the big wide world with all its ups and downs and unfortunately she had to deal with discrimination full blast. Many were kind but many were intolerant. My poor daughter couldnt keep up (not with the academic side as she is so gifted) but nobody wanted her as a friend though she was everybodys confidante. They all went out boozing, clubbing, and never invited my daughter, though she wouldnt have been able to go anyway. Its no wonder she has chosen to shut herself away. All she needs is friends who will have intellectual conversations with her and who accept her physical disability and accept her for who she is inside. The same as any able bodied person but one whohas difficulty walking. Is that so bad in this world. Unfortunateley this the obstacle I cannot conquer at present. I dont know how to do it as she will not go back to college and the only alternative is to go to a day centre making baskets. Which she wouldnt even consider, naturally. So, where do we go from here. In a nutshell, my daughter is an intellectually frustrated genius who has no outlet for her talents. She is brilliant at Ancient History, Myths and Legends, Shakespear, and Theoretical Archaeology including Ancient Egyptology also, the study of other religions and cultures.

Now do you see where I am going?

What can I do to help her? She doesnt know what to do next and feels as ifthere is nothing in life for her now. There must be but what?

Dear Rose I know you cant answer this question but thank you for listening anyway. You see now why I have believed in her for so long and carried on through the dark days. All the professionals wehave encountered in the past acknowledge mydaughters intelligence and are baffled as to what to do so they back off and leave things alone. Perhaps its been for the best after all. No way is my daughter mentally affected.

Goodness, I didnt mean to go on for so long. Once I sterted I didnt seem to be able to stop. I needed to get this off my chest and talk to someone, sorry it has to be you but I feel an affinity with you because you are in a similar situation.

Maybe somebody reading this can suggest something that might be a straw to grasp for my daughter and give her some hope for her future.?

I hope you are allright Rose and I hope you take care of youself too.

Bless you and thanks.

Love Tinkerbelle

[Rose]

Hi Tinkerbelle

Glad to hear things have been going better.

I think it's very courageous of your daughter to want to go out in spite of the difficulties. My mum has had mobility problems for some years and, although she copes very well, it has taken her a long time to come to terms with it. She doesn't use a wheelchair unless she really has to - as she says, it givesyou a different perspective to everyone else and its size can be seen as a 'problem'. Your daughter is very brave if she wants to do things for herself when she is out.

A few years ago I went on a course where we used earplugs and special glasses to try and get some idea of how the world appears to children with hearing or vision impairment. Perhaps a little time spent negotiating their own premises in a wheelchair might help shopworkers and so on to see things differently. The Disability Act has led to some practical improvements, but I guess you can't always legislate for attitudes . Having said that, I think there is more awareness now in a lot of places.

I don't know if your daugher is able to use the computer, but has she thought of doing some kind of learning online? There seem to be quite a lot of opportunities for this.

My daughter has quite a collection of hats, but she tends to favour one in particular. Although I know she needs to address the trich at some point, if wearing a hat in the meantime means she has the confidence to go out and meet people, and cope with visitors, then so be it.

Hope the job interview goes well. Why not go out and buy yourself something nice too!

Take care of yourself and keep posting if it helps.

Best wishes

Rose

[Guest tinkerbelle]

Hi Tinkerbelle

Glad to hear things have been going better. :huh:

I think it's very courageous of your daughter to want to go out in spite of the difficulties.  My mum has had mobility problems for some years and, although she copes very well, it has taken her a long time to come to terms with it.  She doesn't use a wheelchair unless she really has to - as she says, it givesyou a different perspective to everyone else and its size can be seen as a 'problem'.  Your daughter is very brave if she wants to do things for herself when she is out. 

A few years ago I went on a course where we used earplugs and special glasses to try and get some idea of how the world appears to children with hearing or vision impairment.  Perhaps a little time spent negotiating their own premises in a wheelchair might help shopworkers and so on to see things differently. The Disability Act has led to some practical improvements, but I guess you can't always legislate for attitudes :lol:.  Having said that, I think there is more awareness now in a lot of places.   

I don't know if your daugher is able to use the computer, but has she thought of doing some kind of learning online?  There seem to be quite a lot of opportunities for this.

My daughter has quite a collection of hats, but she tends to favour one in particular.  Although I know she needs to address the trich at some point,  if wearing a hat in the meantime means she has the confidence to go out and meet people, and cope with visitors, then so be it.

Hope the job interview goes well. Why not go out and buy yourself something nice too!

Take care of yourself and keep posting if it helps.

Best wishes

Rose

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Dear Rose

Thanks for your loveley reply. It is so kind of you especially as you have your own problems too. I do sympathise and hope things improve for your daughter and you too.

I have explored the possibility of learning on line with my daughter but (a) she cannot face structured learning at present, and (b) she really would like to meet people who are like minded. She feels the whole exam part would put undue pressure on her which she is not ready for.

On a lighter note, my daughter is looking round for a new hat for the summer. Not a straw one with a rim and certainly not a baseball cap. Perhaps your daughter could give some advice on what is fashionable please?

Thanks again

Love Tinkerbelle

[Guest tangoblu]

Hi Tinkerbelle

So sorry to hear about the post office experience how stupid are some people

Just wondered if your daughter might be interested in say learning a language - you can get tapes and videos from the library?

Just a thought :-)

Taek care

Pam

[Rose]

Hi Tinkerbelle

Sorry I didn't get back to you before. :huh:

Can't really help re what hats are fashionable, I'm afraid, I guess whatever the teen mags say is 'in' at the moment!

Hope things are going OK.

Rose

[Guest Deb]

Just read your post about the post office experience. :mad:

Some people should be :2guns:

Not surprised your daughter just wanted to get out of there. What a complete pratt this guy must be.

Next time you go there, make sure you

Ignorance, just total ignorance. :hug:

Deb

[Guest tinkerbelle]

Hi Tinkerbelle :lol:

Re- About what kinds of hats are fashionable and that may suit your daughter (i am 21!!), here are 2 links to 2 different online shops that sell all the latest fashions and accessories, the links will take you to a page with a variety of hats on each that can be bought online, which your daughter may like.

Here is the first link: http://www.asos.com/asoswoman-hatsscarvesgloves.asp

This second link will take you to the home page of the online shop. After clicking on this second link, you should then be on the online shop home page, then just click on hats in the menu which is in the middle of the online shop home page, and it will take you to the hat range .

Here is the second link:http://store.monsoon.co.uk/er03app/catalog...htm?catid=3&l=1

Theres a great range on both links and all are affordable and are fashionable too, most of the hats on both pages are suitable for summer.

Take care.

Love Kirstiexx

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Hi there

I am back on line again thank goodness. The BT man said it was a faulty junction box causing all the problems. Thanks everybody for your mails, Kirstie I will try those sites tomorrow thank you. All is quiet here. My daughter keeps busy and we went shopping on Monday again, she bought some dvds which will come in handy if this snow is going to get worse as forcasted. She still wont take her hat off but I am not even thinking about it. Hypnosincs advice to do nothing till she is ready is sound. Now I know that the more she is left without any pressure the better she is in herself.So much happier. Even the hygiene situation has improved.

By the way, we both got a loveley apologetic letter from the local postmaster general. He said he was very worried that some members ofthe generalpublic were not getting the services and respect they should be getting. He is taking steps to rectify this and has invited us down for a personal apology and he takes full responsibility. He also sent my daughter a beautiful bouquet of flowers. She feels so much better now.We are both glad that this wont happen to anybody else (hopefully).

Still no return to the ocd rituals thank God. My daughter is so determined not to go back to them. Isnt she doing well? She knows she can fill her time doing other things she wants to do instead of therituals and she is getting so much more out of her days now.

Thanks for listning. I have missed posting, surprising how much we depend on technology isnt it?

Take care

Love Tinkerbelle

[Guest Deb]

Hi Tinkerbelle,

So glad to hear things are going ok, sounds like your daughter is making progress and you sound much more relaxed. :blushing:

Congratulations on the result with the post office, should never have happened in the first place but it sounds as though they have taken the incident seriously and taken measures to apologise.

Take care of yourself ok?

Luv Debx

[Rose]

Hi Tinkerbelle

Good to hear you got a result from your complaint - as you say, you may have helped to ensure that your experience won't happen to someone else. :blushing:

Glad things are still going well.

Best wishes

Rose

[Guest tangoblu]

That's great news Tinkerbelle - it si so rare that apologies are given in these sorts of situations so good for you for following it up!

Hope things remain as positive as they sound - sending you a big hug

Pam

[Guest tinkerbelle]

That's great news Tinkerbelle - it si so rare that apologies are given in these sorts of situations so good for you for following it up!

Hope things remain as positive as they sound - sending you a big hug

Pam

33170[/snapback]

Hi

Thanks for replying. Had a bad day today probably due to tiredness. Everything ok with my daughter but I just seem to be on missile speed every day attendingto other peoples wants and needs all the time. My elderly mother needs so much time as well as everybody else and I tried to remember when I last had time alone and it was years ago. Rarely I sometimes think I would like an hour or two to myself to go and walk in the localwoods or go shopping by myself or visit a family grave or even have some time alone in the house, but its impossible. As long as I am here to keepeverthing going smoothly everybody is ok. I am glad that is the case but I have also realised that if I drop dead everybody will be thrown out of their nice little world which I have allowed to be created and I cant find the energy to change things. Starting with my daughter , she needs to realise and make an effort to learn to do more for herself practically. She has no wish to do this as she wont let anybody come in. I sometimes feel so trapped and though I love everybody so much I honestly feel I am a slave. I cant have any time to myself exept when everyone goes to bed. My husband and I havent had a night out together for 20 years.Nobody wanted to babysit a disabled child so we just accepted it. Now we are resigned and dont want to bother. I cant leave her in case she needs changing because of her incontinence but she wont let the consultant help. I spend my days washing, seeing to Mum and my daughter, doing everyones shopping and trying to maintain a normal family life. my other daughter is doing her gcse'sand needs mytime.

I know there are manypeople worse off than me and realistically we are given the cards and have to deal with them. I do my best.

Sorry for ramblingon but it helps to just talk to somebody.

Thanks for listning, I will feel better tomorrow. Doesnt help that I watched a tv programme tonight called "Dad"and it remided me of my own dads passing 3 yearsago and I couldnt do much for him as My daughter was inthe throes of her severe ocdat the time.

Feel so guilty, he was 92 and blind, deaf, and in a wheel chair. The oap's home was not doing what they should have done. My dad was a Dunkirk survivor and had 7 medals but he was treated like an unprofitable commodity at the end. My beloved cat died at the same time after 20years of unconditional devotion and again I couldnt grieve properly. I miss them so much and feel so guilty I didnt do more but I couldnt. My dad died alone and so did my cat whenI should have been there for them. Most of the time I am ok and dont dwell but tonight I am tired.My mum is getting more demanding and like my daughter she is refusingto let anyone help her exept me. Do I have to go awolfor something to change? Love Tinkerbelle

Ps Sorryfor postingthis but ithelps to talk.

[Guest Deb]

Woman your an angel, what are you apologising for?

Your obviously very much in a "caring" role for everyone that you can give to.

The last thing in the world you should be feeling is guilt although your feelings are undeniable and deserve to be listened to. Sounds to me that you have and are, giving everything you can to others, and more.

Easy for me to say I know, I'm not in your position, but it strikes me that you have given your own life up for everyone else. Yesterday it got on top of you, some days it may not be to difficult, but your stretching yourself very thinly.

Ok, mum and daughter don't want help from anyone but you, so you go along with that. I'm a mum and a daughter too, I can undersand why. However, you need something, anything, for yourself. I'm tempted to say get yourself out occasionally and leave someone else in charge, there may be a fuss initially but they will get over it. Used to it even. Unfortunately I have the feeling that even if you do get out you won't enjoy it because you'll be worrying.

Guess you must feel quite trapped and suffocated by it all sometimes. I would.

Have you explained to those around you how much you need a break, just now and then? Perhaps they haven't realized how much you need this. Anyone in your situation needs a break. Try not to feel guilty about your own needs, it is a basic requirement that you take care of yourself so you can continue to care for others.

If you feel better then your role may not seem so overwhelming. This being the case your mum and daughter will benefit from your wellbeing and renewed energy.

Help them to help you. Why not sit everyone down and discuss this. Maybe you can reach a compromise. Perhaps to start with you could leave someone else in charge while you barracade yourself in the bedroom once a week, just for an evening or afternoon to have some space. Rent a favourite video, snuggle up with a book, listen to music, anything as long as everyone else understands you are not to be disturbed unless essential. This way you have some time to yourself without worrying and everyone else learns that they can cope without you for a while.

Maybe then you could progress to going out somewhere for that one evening or afternoon.

Just an idea, maybe this isn't possible for whatever reason, I don't know.

One thing I do know is that you deserve a break and should not feel unable to ask for one. Those you care for are the same people who love and care about you. Maybe it's time to tell them how you are feeling.

Sorry I can't help more. :lol: But if writing about your feelings helps, go for it! People here will listen and support you any way they can.

Hope your feeling a bit better today, big (((squeeze))) from me.

Take care of yourself,

Luv Dabx

[Guest tinkerbelle]

Woman your an angel, what are you apologising for?

Your obviously very much in a "caring" role for everyone that you can give to.

The last thing in the world you should be feeling is guilt although your feelings are undeniable and deserve to be listened to. Sounds to me that you have and are, giving everything you can to others, and more.

Easy for me to say I know, I'm not in your position, but it strikes me that you have given your own life up for everyone else. Yesterday it got on top of you, some days it may not be to difficult, but your stretching yourself very thinly.

Ok, mum and daughter don't want help from anyone but you, so you go along with that. I'm a mum and a daughter too, I can undersand why. However, you need something, anything, for yourself. I'm tempted to say get yourself out occasionally and leave someone else in charge, there may be a fuss initially but they will get over it. Used to it even. Unfortunately I have the feeling that even if you do get out you won't enjoy it because you'll be worrying.

Guess you must feel quite trapped and suffocated by it all sometimes. I would.

Have you explained to those around you how much you need a break, just now and then? Perhaps they haven't realized how much you need this. Anyone in your situation needs a break. Try not to feel guilty about your own needs, it is a basic requirement that you take care of yourself so you can continue to care for others.

If you feel better then your role may not seem so overwhelming. This being the case your mum and daughter will benefit from your wellbeing and renewed energy.

Help them to help you. Why not sit everyone down and discuss this. Maybe you can reach a compromise. Perhaps to start with you could leave someone else in charge while you barracade yourself in the bedroom once a week, just for an evening or afternoon to have some space. Rent a favourite video, snuggle up with a book, listen to music, anything as long as everyone else understands you are not to be disturbed unless essential. This way you have some time to yourself without worrying and everyone else learns that they can cope without you for a while.

Maybe then you could progress to going out somewhere for that one evening or afternoon. 

Just an idea, maybe this isn't possible for whatever reason, I don't know.

One thing I do know is that you deserve a break and should not feel unable to ask for one. Those you care for are the same people who love and care about you. Maybe it's time to tell them how you are feeling.

Sorry I can't help more. :lol:  But if writing about your feelings helps, go for it! People here will listen and support you any way they can.

Hope your feeling a bit better today, big (((squeeze))) from me.

Take care of yourself,

Luv Dabx

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Dear Deb

Thank you for replying. You are so right in what you say. Especially if I do get time I would spend it feeling guilty. Seems I have issues to deal with that I am not recognising properly. I dont think at present I am physically up to dealing with change if you can understand. My husband and younger daughter are so supportive and love me dearly but they are ignoring the whole situation now and getting on with their lives as they have had so much to deal with, and I agree with them. They dont know what else to do so its a case of "if things dont change they stay as they are and we get on with living ourselves".

The truth is , that my daughter is in denial about things and has no interest in the future, she is content to live the life of an OAP and me with her. It has got routine now and I am accepting the fact . I havent the energy to change things drastically. Thats why It is so good to talk to someone on here about How I feel. I know other people are in a whole lot worse situation than me and my heart goes out tothem, but after so long keeping things to myself it is a blessing to be able to talk on here. Thank you so much for listening.

I am only doing what any mum would do, I just need this chance to unburden and talk.I cant talk on the phone as its not private, and I cant talkto visitors either so this site is a godsend.

Thanks somuch for listening, you have your own problems too and I do understand how hard it is for you too.

God Bless

Love Tinkerbelle

[Guest Deb]

Hi Tinkerbelle,

If your not feeling up to change just yet, thats totally understandable.

Just make sure you keep talking/posting if it helps though.

Take care,

Debx

[Rose]

Hi Tinkerbelle

I can relate to a lot of the things you said in your last two posts. I have often felt that my life revolves around doing things for other people and thought 'what about me, who cares for the carer?' In my case, because I am a single parent, I think I felt the need to try twice as hard to support both my daughters, something that has become increasingly difficult since OCD came along. (Though I have to admit I don't always make things easy for myself at work either, I tend to be a perfectionist and I don't like delegating. )

Just recently, though, I have begun to try and accept my limitations and look after myself a bit better. Around Christmas I became quite depressed, and for the last year or so I seem to have spent every school holiday feeling exhausted, often with some kind of minor illness, and not able to cope with anything more than getting myself strong enough for the next term. (Even the holidays are sometimes stressful when both my daughters are at home.) I know if I continue like this there is a chance that I could become seriously ill, and then we will all be worse off. Realising this doesn't always make it easy to do something about it, though, I know.

Since my daughter stopped going to college, like you I don't get a lot of time to myself at home. I really need to get out sometimes, or have some peace away from the sound of the TV or my daughter's music. I do realise you have additional issues, but I wondered if perhaps you could work out how long you think you could leave the family for at present without causing too much stress to them or yourself. Then plan to do something for that length of time once a week or so, even if it's just a walk. Or a pampering session at home, as Deb said. Tell the rest of the family what you are planning to do beforehand, so they know what to expect. If this works OK, you can then build on it gradually. You really do need to give yourself a break occasionally without feeling guilty.

Over the last couple of years I have been given a lot of good advice by friends and people on this board. I think I needed to think things through myself, though, before I could really act on any of it. Sometimes I find it helps to read through my old posts, to take on board all that was said and remind myself that I have felt better in between. It also helps to know that there are other people in similar situations. And as you say, it's good to be able to share your thoughts.

Don't know if any of this is useful. As the others have said, keep posting if it helps.

Take care

Rose