My intrusive thoughts, ocd/pocd

[Guest jpr56]

Hello everyone. I wanted to create this topic to reach out for support because I feel like I'm slowly slipping away and losing my mind. I have been battling with POCD intrusive thoughts for a while now. Everytime I have these disgusting, revolting thoughts I have to check so that I don't have an erection. Whenever I have these thoughts I panic and I get a lot of anxiety, especially in my stomach. Sometimes my penis moves slightly but that isnt and erection, at least I think it's not because it doesnt feel that way. I looked up online and saw sonmething about a groinal response. This might be it but i don't want that because it's so disgusting. I can't even explain how horrible I feel about this. I am so hopeless and lost. I hate these thoughts and I want it to stop. I have been battling with OCD/intrusive thoughts before in my past. When I was younger I had ocd with compulsions, then came intrusive thoughts and later in my life the compulsions and thoughts came again. I have offiially been diagnosed and seen a therapist in the past.

I am afraid that this time it's not ocd and i am actually a pedophille. i am shaking as i am typing this. sometimes i can calm myself by comparing this situation to previous OCD. few months ago i had the same thing but about being transgender. my mind convinced myself i was trans, and even though i was happy with my body, i had to imagine myself as a woman to take the tension away. just like i have to check if i have an erection to take the tension away right now. For the record, I am not transphobic in any way. I am actually gay myself so I fully support trans people. My previous OCD dealt with me being a racist, ableist, and more awful things. My mind tried to tell me I had laughed about horrible stuff even though I knew I hadn't. I also dealt with pedophilic thoughts back then but they were less severe. Eventually I beat them and got rid of it for a while. I think one of the reasons my ocd is back is because im gay. ive told my family and i cant be thankful enough for the love and support i received. it was a few months ago that i came out to my mom and it was the scariest thing ive ever done.

Last night I had a horrible dream about pedophilia and i am still anxious about it. this is so disgusting and revolting i dont know how to say it. Everytime i think about the contents of those dream i have an awful twist in my stomach. sometimes my penis slightly moves, and then my mind tells me it is an erection even though i'm pretty sure its not.

Can someone please help me identify my OCD/intrusive thoughts? I am so depressed and so stressed, ive thought about suicide as well. I know I've been battling with OCD for a long long long time, but my mind keeps thinking: what if it isnt ocd this time?

[Em24]

Hi, I'm sure you know its very common for OCD themes to change over time.

So in a sense you didn't get over your OCD or beat it, it just changed topic.

That sounds negative and I really don't mean it to upset you. What u are dealing with is run of the mill OCD. Have u had any CBT for your OCD at all? Or read any self help books? Break Free From OCD is a popular one with people on here. I found it useful myself too.

Xx

Edited January 23, 2016 by emma24

[Guest jpr56]

Hi, I'm sure you know its very common for OCD themes to change over time.

So in a sense you didn't get over your OCD or beat it, it just changed topic.

That sounds negative and I really don't mean it to upset you. What u are dealing with is run of the mill OCD. Have u had any CBT for your OCD at all? Or read any self help books? Break Free From OCD is a popular one with people on here. I found it useful myself too.

Xx

I have had CBT but it was a while ago. I also underwent exposure therapy and that helped me a lot. Today has been a really bad day. My mind keeps telling me I'm attracted to kids even though I know I'm not. This is so exhausting. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I would never want it. I want to have a boyfriend, and grow up happy surrounded by other friends. Just because I want this so badly and because I haven't come out to my friends (or basically anyone around my close family) yet, is it causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. On top of that I also have a test week this week and the next, so that doubles the stress. Does anyone know how to cope with this ?

Edited January 23, 2016 by jpr56

[Em24]

The best way to cope is to practise your CBT, also how old are u if u don't mind me asking? There is a charity called Young Minds who are amazing, they offer support to people aged 25 and under if you just need to talk it through or get some advice on getting treatment.

When u say you haven't 'come out' do u mean about being gay? That mist be a big step for u to take so its understandable its going to cause u stress.

Just remember phsycologists can't determin between intrusive thoughts in OCD sufferers and people without OCD. What sets us apart is the false meaning and responsibility we attatch to those thoughts, which then causes anxiety. You need to focus on your reaction to the thoughts, rather than the thoughts themselves. X

http://www.youngminds.org.uk/

[Guest jpr56]

The best way to cope is to practise your CBT, also how old are u if u don't mind me asking? There is a charity called Young Minds who are amazing, they offer support to people aged 25 and under if you just need to talk it through or get some advice on getting treatment.

When u say you haven't 'come out' do u mean about being gay? That mist be a big step for u to take so its understandable its going to cause u stress.

Just remember phsycologists can't determin between intrusive thoughts in OCD sufferers and people without OCD. What sets us apart is the false meaning and responsibility we attatch to those thoughts, which then causes anxiety. You need to focus on your reaction to the thoughts, rather than the thoughts themselves. X

http://www.youngminds.org.uk/

I´m 19 years old. And yes by coming out I mean coming out as gay. I think that´s part of the reason why these thoughts are constantly in my mind. I know I want a boyfriend, and a nice future, and me becoming a pedophilie would stand in the way of that. I don´t know how people are gonna react to me being gay so that causes anxiety as well.

[Em24]

I don't want to reassure you, I'm sure u know how unhelpful that is. OCD is totally illogical.

The only thing that will stand in the way of you getting the things u want in life is OCD.

I had one child, then worried my OCD would come back if I had another so I put it off for a long time. I always thought when I was a child 'I will never only have one child.' I was so lonely and always wished to have a brother or sister. So in the end we decided to have a another child, she is 4 months old, my eldest is 5. My OCD did come back, but I practised CBT and its gone again.

Lol sorry for the life story, I just mean OCD is seen as a chronic illness like athsma or diabetes. You may get flare ups in stressful situations but u can get through it CBT will help u so much.

It might be worth taking a trip to your GP and asking for a referal for counselling. There is a great ice breaker sheet on the main OCD UK website which is a good help. I know its daunting x

[Guest jpr56]

I don't want to reassure you, I'm sure u know how unhelpful that is. OCD is totally illogical.

The only thing that will stand in the way of you getting the things u want in life is OCD.

I had one child, then worried my OCD would come back if I had another so I put it off for a long time. I always thought when I was a child 'I will never only have one child.' I was so lonely and always wished to have a brother or sister. So in the end we decided to have a another child, she is 4 months old, my eldest is 5. My OCD did come back, but I practised CBT and its gone again.

Lol sorry for the life story, I just mean OCD is seen as a chronic illness like athsma or diabetes. You may get flare ups in stressful situations but u can get through it CBT will help u so much.

It might be worth taking a trip to your GP and asking for a referal for counselling. There is a great ice breaker sheet on the main OCD UK website which is a good help. I know its daunting x

Thank you for helping me. I will look up some CBT excercises online to practice.

[PolarBear]

I'd just like to say that your being gay has nothing to do with your intrusive thoughts. They are two totally separate issues so don't think being gay has anything to do with the thoughts you have.

Also, you coming out right now is going to put you under stress. Stress makes OCD worse. We talk about that a lot on the forum. So if things seem especially bad right now, it's likely in large part due to the stress you are feeling.

CBT is the way to go. In the mean time, take care of yourself. Get plenty of sleep. Build in some relaxation time frequently so you can decompress.

By the way, welcome to the forum.

Edited January 23, 2016 by PolarBear

[Guest jpr56]

I'd just like to say that your being gay has nothing to do with your intrusive thoughts. They are two totally separate issues so don't think being gay has anything to do with the thoughts you have.

Also, you coming out right now is going to put you under stress. Stress makes OCD worse. We talk about that a lot on the forum. So if things seem especially bad right now, it's likely in large part due to the stress you are feeling.

CBT is the way to go. In the mean time, take care of yourself. Get plenty of sleep. Build in some relaxation time frequently so you can decompress.

By the way, welcome to the forum.

Thanks.

This evening this went slightly better. I played some video games and I was able to 'let go' of some of the urges to do compulsions/checking. But now things are bad again. About an hour ago I was watching a movie and a kid appeared. I got an anxiety response and that's it. But with that anxiety came some tension in my groinal area, and i'm pretty sure it wasn't a boner. I feel disgusted to talk about it. I would have known for sure if it was a boner right? Because then I would have panicked. I've never had a boner because of stuff like that, so why would it suddenly happen now? I also felt very tired and I couldn't think clear at that moment. I usually have this all the time in the evening. I'm exhausted then and my mind can't think clear, as if I'm half asleep or something.

I also have this when I'm half asleep. I have these thoughts but then it's like my brain responds differently to it? Is this possible? Is is possible that being half asleep can cause your mind to create erections about things you're not actually attracted to?

Edited January 23, 2016 by jpr56

[PolarBear]

The sensation you're feeling in your groin are commonly called groinal responses. In essence, they mean nothing. They are normal twinges that everyone gets but you have associated them with intrusive thoughts. Over time you basically train yourself to have them when you have an intrusive thought. Try your best to ignore them. They are meaningless. Don't give them any meaning.

[Guest Jane_29]

Hello jpr56,

You might make further progress if you came to clearer understandings of just how common your feelings are for OCD sufferers. Everything you describe sounds absolutely classic, you know?

Part of the reason OCD is difficult is because it keeps tricking you into thinking '...but THIS time it's real, but THIS time it isn't the OCD anymore, but THIS time I have a genuine problem!'. That is a normal OCD trick. It will ALWAYS try and trick you into believing that it's real and urgent and you need to react NOW. That's why we have to brave, and fight back at the OCD.

Are you doing any Exposure / CBT exercises to combat the OCD already? You say you 'will look up some CBT exercises online', and that's good, but if you've seen a therapist already, why did they not show you how to do these exercises already? I mean, they're the same kind of exercises, just with a different theme? (I'm not blaming you, btw, I just know some therapists aren't sure how to treat ocd and can accidentally instruct patients in the wrong technique. But you know the ones you should best use are CbT and ERP ).

Have you considered consulting your doctor about feeling unusually sleepy in the evenings? Because some people with OCD have found that their OCD gets much worse when they are low in energy or low in certain vitamins - for example, Vitamin B12 or Vitamin D. Being low in these can also cause sleepiness, lack of energy and 'foggy' unclear thinking, perhaps similar to what you describe. A doctor will be able to test for these issues, if you think it could be a factor.

[Guest jpr56]

Hello jpr56,

You might make further progress if you came to clearer understandings of just how common your feelings are for OCD sufferers. Everything you describe sounds absolutely classic, you know?

Part of the reason OCD is difficult is because it keeps tricking you into thinking '...but THIS time it's real, but THIS time it isn't the OCD anymore, but THIS time I have a genuine problem!'. That is a normal OCD trick. It will ALWAYS try and trick you into believing that it's real and urgent and you need to react NOW. That's why we have to brave, and fight back at the OCD.

Are you doing any Exposure / CBT exercises to combat the OCD already? You say you 'will look up some CBT exercises online', and that's good, but if you've seen a therapist already, why did they not show you how to do these exercises already? I mean, they're the same kind of exercises, just with a different theme? (I'm not blaming you, btw, I just know some therapists aren't sure how to treat ocd and can accidentally instruct patients in the wrong technique. But you know the ones you should best use are CbT and ERP ).

Have you considered consulting your doctor about feeling unusually sleepy in the evenings? Because some people with OCD have found that their OCD gets much worse when they are low in energy or low in certain vitamins - for example, Vitamin B12 or Vitamin D. Being low in these can also cause sleepiness, lack of energy and 'foggy' unclear thinking, perhaps similar to what you describe. A doctor will be able to test for these issues, if you think it could be a factor.

I did a few excercises todat and felt a little better after that. I wrote down how my OCD process works - just as my therapist taught me. I also made a timeline from when the OCD first began to present day. I noticed everytime there was a big change or a lot of stress, my OCD would pop back up again. I think you may be right about the vitamins. I am a vegetarian as well. I do take veggie-pills which contain some amount of the daily required vitamins, but maybe not enough. Today has been a hectic day. Sometimes things went okay and sometimes things went bad again. I think after next week a lot of stress will fall from my shoulders because then my tests will be over. Thank you all for supporting me and giving me tips, it really means a lot and is helping me.

[Guest Jane_29]

AHA - a vegetarian! I've been a vegan/veggie person for about ten years myself (us herbivores are great, aren't we? ) and it does seem to be true that anxiety problems are more common amongst us. Totally not your fault! The government advice on eating well is just hopelessly vague and many schools teach little about nutrition. We can't know we're supposed to each certain fruits for certain minerals etc if nobody ever told us. If you're considering looking into the matter, some pointers to look up or ask your doctor about might be: Omega-3's (most supermarkets will do you a £1.50 bag of ground crunchy-topping flaxseed in the 'Baking' section for this), zinc, B12 (the type that absorbs best is 'methylcobalamin' ; sometimes vitamin companies will swizzle you by putting the cheaper, less good sort in their pills) or vitamin D. If you accidentally get very low in any of these, anxiety disorders can become more likely.

Obviously that's not the sole cause of someone's OCD, but it's possible it might help calm things down whilst you do your exercises. Really glad to hear you're writing down how the OCD process works and figuring out its patterns! Knowledge is power in these matters, and stress certainly could cause the flare-ups you describe.

[Guest jpr56]

AHA - a vegetarian! I've been a vegan/veggie person for about ten years myself (us herbivores are great, aren't we? ) and it does seem to be true that anxiety problems are more common amongst us. Totally not your fault! The government advice on eating well is just hopelessly vague and many schools teach little about nutrition. We can't know we're supposed to each certain fruits for certain minerals etc if nobody ever told us. If you're considering looking into the matter, some pointers to look up or ask your doctor about might be: Omega-3's (most supermarkets will do you a £1.50 bag of ground crunchy-topping flaxseed in the 'Baking' section for this), zinc, B12 (the type that absorbs best is 'methylcobalamin' ; sometimes vitamin companies will swizzle you by putting the cheaper, less good sort in their pills) or vitamin D. If you accidentally get very low in any of these, anxiety disorders can become more likely.

Obviously that's not the sole cause of someone's OCD, but it's possible it might help calm things down whilst you do your exercises. Really glad to hear you're writing down how the OCD process works and figuring out its patterns! Knowledge is power in these matters, and stress certainly could cause the flare-ups you describe.

Thanks for the help. The main thing is: I KNOW I am not a pedophile, but every time my mind tries to tell me: what if it's different this time? I have never gotten an erection of a child, even typing it like that makes me disgusted and revolted. But sometimes I have a LOT of tension, and sometimes when I already have a slight erection, and those thoughts pop into my head, I get a groinal response. I don't want that because it's sick, disgusting and because I don't even like those images. I even got a slight groinal response when I thought about having sex with women, even though I'm gay. But when I already have a slight erection and those thoughts come into my head, I get a rush of anxiety, so maybe that's why my penis suddenly reacts to that as well. Whenever I'm calm and I can think rationally I can easily let go of the thoughts, but when I'm tense, anxious and not feeling well those thoughts seem to be more convincing, even though I don't want it.

By the way, sorry about the explicit language, but I'm just really desperate and I want this to end.

Edited January 24, 2016 by jpr56

[Guest jpr56]

I had a bad moment again today. My mind keeps telling me I'm attracted to a 14 year old boy even though I know I am not. I saw a picture once of this kids face and the lighting created an image in my head of him as a adult. I don't remember feeling really attracted to that or anything, but my mind keeps telling me I do. After that I panicked a little and I was already tired. I then looked up other pictures and got sort of an anxiety feeling. My mind kept telling me I was a pedophile even though I'm not attracted to him at all. I looked up some other pictures and I think because I was tired and anxious my mind made me believe I was actually attracted to him. I think it came with an anxiety feeling. When I look at it now I know I'm not attracted to that. It's gross and I've never been attracted to children. What if I am actually attracted to him but my mind won't accept it yet? I know it's bad to ask for reassurement but I'm really depressed right now

When I look at it in a situation I would never ever want that.

Edited January 24, 2016 by jpr56

[PolarBear]

Your behavior smacks of OCD. I'm not going to offer you reassurance. Instead, try your best to put this out of your mind. You're sitting there going over this in your head, analyzing your thoughts, trying to figure them out. Those are compulsions and you need to stop doing them. Get busy doing something else. Take your mind off those thoughts.

[Guest jpr56]

Your behavior smacks of OCD. I'm not going to offer you reassurance. Instead, try your best to put this out of your mind. You're sitting there going over this in your head, analyzing your thoughts, trying to figure them out. Those are compulsions and you need to stop doing them. Get busy doing something else. Take your mind off those thoughts.

Thanks. I just did some sports exorcises to clear my head and after that looking at those pictures I could tell I obviously wasn't attracted to him. I had also seen this kid before a year back or so in a tv show and if I was attracted to him I would have thought it back then. I also get that anxiety feeling and my mind telling me i am attracted to him at a few pictures. If I truly was attracted to him I would have thought about that in every picture and also in my head right?

[PolarBear]

Thanks. I just did some sports exorcises to clear my head and after that looking at those pictures I could tell I obviously wasn't attracted to him. I had also seen this kid before a year back or so in a tv show and if I was attracted to him I would have thought it back then. I also get that anxiety feeling and my mind telling me i am attracted to him at a few pictures. If I truly was attracted to him I would have thought about that in every picture and also in my head right?

And you're asking for reassurance again.

Leave this alone. Put a stop to your ruminating about this (your post above is ruminating written down). Stop going over it in your head.

[Guest jpr56]

I just thought I'd share an update. Yesterday night was horrible. Horrible because I let all my thoughts in my head and didn't ruminate on them. I also didn't check for arousal much. The tension was at an all time high, and I hope from this moment on things will only get better. I have had less thoughts this morning and the checking is also slowly decreasing. It's not like I'm suddenly happy. The thoughts still bother me and cause a lot of anxiety. I keep thinking: What if it isn't OCD this time? What if I'm actually a pedophile? I have had history with OCD for over 7 years now, and my situation now has all the OCD 'characteristics'.

I think part of the reason why things went a little better this morning is because the large test i was dreading has passed and it went well enough. I still have a test coming up tomorrow, but if I don't succeed it's not a big deal. I still have a second chance and the test isn't that 'big'. If I don't get it right I can still pass this year easily.

Edited January 26, 2016 by jpr56

[Guest lucylia]

I posted "terrified to hug my own baby" ... Have a read of that in regards to groinal responses. Someone posted an excellent link in my thread that helped ease my mind a little. Hope you feel better soon xx

Lucy xxx

[Guest jpr56]

Things are just really tough right now. Thank you for your kind words Lucy. I hope I'll feel better soon because this is just unbearable.

[Guest lucylia]

As legend said to me ... "groinal responses are normal ... Those of us with ocd react abnormally to them" .... In so many words anyway. We can't control our thoughts and feelings or when they come and go etc. So why worry about something that is out of your control? All you need to know that is if you COULD control it you would. But you can't, so what's the point in going over and over it??

Lucy xxx

[Guest jpr56]

As legend said to me ... "groinal responses are normal ... Those of us with ocd react abnormally to them" .... In so many words anyway. We can't control our thoughts and feelings or when they come and go etc. So why worry about something that is out of your control? All you need to know that is if you COULD control it you would. But you can't, so what's the point in going over and over it??

Lucy xxx

But if I let go of control I fear that my mind will accept that I'm a pedophile or something like that. What if my mind suddenly realises I'm a pedophile. I'm disgusted by the thoughts and I want them to stop, but I fear that if I just 'let it all go' I will actually be a pedophile or something like that.

[PolarBear]

If a bully constantly yelled at you that your a pedophile and you stopped responding to the bully, would that mean you are a pedophile?

[Guest jpr56]

If a bully constantly yelled at you that your a pedophile and you stopped responding to the bully, would that mean you are a pedophile?

No it wouldn't. But I feel like it's different with OCD. I just don't know. I fear that I never got an erection (sorry for the language) of the thoughts because my mind will not accept that I am a pedophile (even though I know I am not). As soon as I let go and stop responding to it I fear that I will get a boner and suddenly like it or something. This afternoon things went okay. Now it's evening and I feel a little lightheaded again.