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My brain keeps telling me that my period isn't real. I know it is, I checked with tissue yesterday and it was obvious, plus it has been leaking while I was asleep I felt it as I turned. But still I keep thinking it is all in my head.

I wont work on my fantasy world because I think that my nails are saying I am going to die, I have been trying to ease back into it.

I did manage to do some work for my hobby sci fi last night.

But today my brain is like :fool: and full of tension.

Plus my head hurts a little and my eyes have spotty lights.

Edited by Phili
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So perhaps you're going to die. There's not a lot you can do about that if it's going to happen.

What you can do is take on board some of the advice you've been given regarding OCD or you can continue to suffer in this way, which is going to happen if you're not prepared to make any changes.

Balls in your court Phili.....no-one ever said it was easy but neither is living like this.

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Why have you posted this list of symptoms, Phili? What response are you seeking?

Reassurance? How can anyone here reassure you with mere words when the evidence of your own body can't convince you something is real and not all in your head?

Do you expect sympathy? Call me cruel, but your head only hurts 'a little'? Well then, do like everybody else in the world and ignore it. When your head is splitting so painfully you can't lift it an inch off the pillow without throwing up (and that means actually throwing up, not just feeling queasy) , then we'll take notice.

So you won't work on your fantasy world? Ok. Your choice. Your loss. If you want to act like a 2 year old and refuse to do something you might enjoy, go right ahead. Just remember we're a community of adults here and such behaviour won't win you any sympathy.

You don't need to exaggerate minor symptoms in your head in order to justify doing nothing for the day. Not to us, not to yourself. If nothing is what you want to do, do nothing.

If focusing on unimportant physical signs in your body is your idea of passing the day usefully then knock yourself out on it. Have fun. Enjoy.

But why post details about your symptoms here? Are you so lonely that this behaviour counts as socialising or entertainment for you? :unsure:

What troubles me is posts like these are evidence you're going backwards. Then in a few days you'll post about some minor progress and expect us to jump for joy and be encouraging. Yet all you'll really have done is return to where you were before the step back. It's not real progress at all.

I'm confused. Do you want to get better? Or are you playing games with us?

If you're willing to try I'll support you 100% and always to the best of my ability. But you need to start proving that you're taking some of the advice you've been given on board, Phili. If you continue this cat and mouse game of progress and avoidance you'll end up playing alone. :(

No more posts about periods, nails, or trifling headaches. Post about the challenges you're setting yourself and how you're get on with doing them. That's something we're all genuinely interested in.

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Why have you posted this list of symptoms, Phili? What response are you seeking?

Reassurance? How can anyone here reassure you with mere words when the evidence of your own body can't convince you something is real and not all in your head?

Do you expect sympathy? Call me cruel, but your head only hurts 'a little'? Well then, do like everybody else in the world and ignore it. When your head is splitting so painfully you can't lift it an inch off the pillow without throwing up (and that means actually throwing up, not just feeling queasy) , then we'll take notice.

So you won't work on your fantasy world? Ok. Your choice. Your loss. If you want to act like a 2 year old and refuse to do something you might enjoy, go right ahead. Just remember we're a community of adults here and such behaviour won't win you any sympathy.

You don't need to exaggerate minor symptoms in your head in order to justify doing nothing for the day. Not to us, not to yourself. If nothing is what you want to do, do nothing.

If focusing on unimportant physical signs in your body is your idea of passing the day usefully then knock yourself out on it. Have fun. Enjoy.

But why post details about your symptoms here? Are you so lonely that this behaviour counts as socialising or entertainment for you? :unsure:

What troubles me is posts like these are evidence you're going backwards. Then in a few days you'll post about some minor progress and expect us to jump for joy and be encouraging. Yet all you'll really have done is return to where you were before the step back. It's not real progress at all.

I'm confused. Do you want to get better? Or are you playing games with us?

If you're willing to try I'll support you 100% and always to the best of my ability. But you need to start proving that you're taking some of the advice you've been given on board, Phili. If you continue this cat and mouse game of progress and avoidance you'll end up playing alone. :(

No more posts about periods, nails, or trifling headaches. Post about the challenges you're setting yourself and how you're get on with doing them. That's something we're all genuinely interested in.

Snowbear, you have a weird way of talking, I can never tell if you are being mean or trying to help but judging what I have seen of you, I will go with the trying to help.

Actually I have had headaches like that, once my head swelled, they are not fun. I wasn't looking for sympathy, this is how we talk in my family. We never had anything but problems, there was no happiness no fun things to talk about, talking like this is socializing to me. It's all I know. People say, you don't need to tell us but I struggle, genuinely, to understand because it is the only way I know how to talk, this is how talking has always been to me.

I am not refusing to do my fantasy world, it is just every time I try I get this sinking feeling, I want some cheap art materials for my birthday, the ones I have are far too expensive to use on random sketching but I get the same feeling and this panic when looking at my hands. I am not being childish, I'm trying to overcome it but I am so stressed I cannot think and I am starting to feel that I cannot cope.

I am that lonely to be quite honest and yes, talking about my issues tends to be the only communication I actually do. To me this is socializing but It isn't entertainment. No one asks how my day has been, how i'm feeling, if I feel any better, they dont care about what I did all day or sit through my interests, even though it isn't their interest, just because they care. I wont ever have my Mum again and everything I do, everything I say, everything I feel, everything I have interest in, just doesn't feel like it matters at all.

I don't know why I don't make progress, I want to, everyone on here is so determined but the life I have led would be totally alien to everyone here. It is very difficult to explain but it wasn't normal, everyone here is striving for the life they had or the life those around them had but the life I have now is normal to me and I don't know what I am reaching for and when I make a list I think, is that really so important, am I even worth that, why would that matter.

And then everyone says, make a choice, do you want to stay like this and I don't but I don't understand either, I keep trying but I keep forgetting what I am supposed to do and people seem to think that I do this on purpose, that I don't try on purpose but I do try, I try all the time but I can't move fast enough and it is all overwhelming and I keep getting told off, I don't understand, people seem to think that I am, I don't know, dramatic but I'm not. I have come to the realization that I am not normal, I don't seem to think or react like everyone else and I don't know why. My psychologist says that because of the way I have lived I have missed stages of development and maybe that is it.

I don't know why I make these posts. I just don't have anyone else to tell. I am not looking for anything, I just make them because I'm supposed to.

I can't get anyone to understand the way I think. I feel like every word bounces off of an egg shell.

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sit through my interests, even though it isn't their interest, just because they care.

Did you ever get around to making those needlecraft animals? What's the title of your graphic novel? What kinds of materials do you need? What kind of ice-cream will you have on your trip out to the beach?

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Did you ever get around to making those needlecraft animals? What's the title of your graphic novel? What kinds of materials do you need? What kind of ice-cream will you have on your trip out to the beach?

No, when my brother was cleaning he put them away and can't remember where, they are likely in the little room but you can barely get through the door.

The first flight of the Merry Weather

Well, I have copic markers and derwent pencils, but when creating you do a lot of rough sketching, I also want to do rough sketching for my fantasy world. The Copics in particular are far to expensive to waist and the pencils were a gift from my Mum. So I wanted cheap colouring utensils. Crayons, I love crayons, colourful and expressive, pencils, WH SMith, crayola is better but more exspensive. Faber Castell pens and some general paper.

Chocolate.

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Chocolate.

Mint choc chip.

No, when my brother was cleaning he put them away and can't remember where, they are likely in the little room but you can barely get through the door.

The first flight of the Merry Weather

Well, I have copic markers and derwent pencils, but when creating you do a lot of rough sketching, I also want to do rough sketching for my fantasy world. The Copics in particular are far to expensive to waist and the pencils were a gift from my Mum. So I wanted cheap colouring utensils. Crayons, I love crayons, colourful and expressive, pencils, WH SMith, crayola is better but more exspensive. Faber Castell pens and some general paper.

Chocolate.

So given what you've just said, what do you think might be your challenge for tomorrow? Or things to do over the coming days?

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Well, getting through that door isn't going to happen, the room is so full that the cat has issues fitting.

I should work out my sketching and what I am going to sketch, work out what utensils I can afford,

Eat chocolate icecream, I have some in the freezer...and mint, strawberry, eton mess, vanilla, soleros.

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Well, getting through that door isn't going to happen, the room is so full that the cat has issues fitting.

Is it full of furniture or something or just general c**p? Depending on what's there it might not take that long to clear out. A few hours. Half a day.

Eat chocolate icecream, I have some in the freezer...and mint, strawberry, eton mess, vanilla, soleros.

Lucky. Will you walk on the beach and eat it, or sit inside the cafe?

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There is a chest of draws and an antique oak table which we got free, I adore that table but I have only ever seen it once. The rest is mostly books. My brother says he doesn't have anywhere to put it but most could be thrown or given away. Also there are my Mum and Dad's bill bags. My Mum kept them, all of them, over about 30 years so there are a lot of bags but in the mix are photos and things she kept precious. My Mums ornaments, her clothes...we keep putting it off and as my brother has to do most of the work It would be unfair to push.

Likely I will eat it at my desk...I still have my summer clothes. If I go to the beach...I hate eating in public, being fat I think people are judging me, so in the car? I went to the beach on google maps and the London store where Darren buys shopping, though it was a spa when google drove pass.

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When Churchill was discussing with his military commanders how they might sink the Bismark, he never gave them any opportunity to consider failure.

So far as he was concerned, they were going to sink the Bismark - that was all that mattered. Failure was not an option.

If something is not working for us, is in fact making things worse then, like the Bismark, it must be sunk.

For the time I have known you Phili, you have "embraced" those unhelpful things that keep you stuck, drag you down - the restrictive rules and compulsions - even made excuses for them - "my family has always done that".

And the family always talking in a compulsive way was unhelpful wasn't it - so it is time to make changes.

Only those forum members who find out what they need to do and make the necessary changes, improve, get better. Doing the same old leaves people stuck.

How are you going to sink that Bismark?

Edited by taurean
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Guest ciaramarie

Snow bear I don't think you are very fair what you said I understand people need to help themselves but please don't ever make people feel unwelcome on a sight that's made for people who are struggling. I feel like if the post is getting on. Your nerves don't comment. I understand you feel phili isn't helping herself. But she's will get there

I know your trying to help so sorry if I'm out of line but just needed to say. X

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There is a chest of draws and an antique oak table which we got free, I adore that table but I have only ever seen it once. The rest is mostly books. My brother says he doesn't have anywhere to put it but most could be thrown or given away. Also there are my Mum and Dad's bill bags. My Mum kept them, all of them, over about 30 years so there are a lot of bags but in the mix are photos and things she kept precious. My Mums ornaments, her clothes...we keep putting it off and as my brother has to do most of the work It would be unfair to push.

Any books you don't want can be got rid of easily enough.

Could bro bring one or two bags through and perhaps you could sit for a short while in a room or in the garden and begin to sort through the stuff. It would be a good idea to get a shredder if you don't already have one. There are bound to be useful and precious things amongst the documents which you want to keep, but my guess is that most of it doesn't relate directly to you, and/or will be of little interest to you.

Do you have any empty cardboard boxes? Do like me and get a few bags ready so that you can put some things together for the charity.

Likely I will eat it at my desk..

I meant when you go to the beach, but you could also eat it in the garden. Small ERP for you.

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But she's will get there

Will she?

Not unless she has a serious shift in both thinking and behavior and this is what Snowbear is getting at.

When you're new to a community, a post like that might seem tough but when people have come to know someone, observed constant damaging behavior on a daily basis, seen that someone doesn't try to take the advice on board.....it will happen, It happens because we want to see someone vastly improve the quality of their life.

Phili has been in this situation for over 20 years.....since she was 12 years old, house bound, no school, no friends, no job, no relationships, dreadful health problems and immobility etc etc. If a person is happy and content with that life, that's absolutely fine but daily Phili tells us she isn't and lives with fear, anxiety and loneliness. She isn't going to wake up one morning and find it's gone, it needs constant challenge, constant achievements (even small ones) it takes courage,, because this is going to be a hard and scary journey. It needs change and that has to come from Phili.

If I had to choose a support team Snowbear would be high up on my list, even if she told me some home truths......sometimes we need to hear them. Far rather that than someone supporting and enabling a person to stay ill.

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Will she?

Not unless she has a serious shift in both thinking and behavior and this is what Snowbear is getting at.

When you're new to a community, a post like that might seem tough but when people have come to know someone, observed constant damaging behavior on a daily basis, seen that someone doesn't try to take the advice on board.....it will happen, It happens because we want to see someone vastly improve the quality of their life.

Phili has been in this situation for over 20 years.....since she was 12 years old, house bound, no school, no friends, no job, no relationships, dreadful health problems and immobility etc etc. If a person is happy and content with that life, that's absolutely fine but daily Phili tells us she isn't and lives with fear, anxiety and loneliness. She isn't going to wake up one morning and find it's gone, it needs constant challenge, constant achievements (even small ones) it takes courage,, because this is going to be a hard and scary journey. It needs change and that has to come from Phili.

If I had to choose a support team Snowbear would be high up on my list, even if she told me some home truths......sometimes we need to hear them. Far rather that than someone supporting and enabling a person to stay ill.

But I do take the advice onboard and I am trying to apply it, honestly. In baby steps maybe but, like I just managed to cut cream cakes off the list and other things that needn't be on there. £20 worth of junk and though every fibre in my being is saying that was a mistake, I am not going to add them back. I try not to post symptoms but it just, I don't even know that I am doing it, well I do but I don't, does that make sense?

The thing is, sometimes people say things and I know they mean well, but sometimes people say things that makes me feel desperate and a failure, my brother does it as well and that should rile me up, it should make me want to prove them wrong but instead it makes me retreat further into my shell, I take after my Dad too much, sometimes I think being related to him means there is just no hope. But I am trying, I know its slow but it seems to be the only pace I can go at. I have been resisting almost all poking, I tried not to obsess over my period, Ok I didn't fully do that and I have stopped cleaning the toilet and avoiding lookiing down after flushing, I do clean it when it needs it though.

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Guest ciaramarie

Why have you posted this list of symptoms, Phili? What response are you seeking?

Reassurance? How can anyone here reassure you with mere words when the evidence of your own body can't convince you something is real and not all in your head?

Do you expect sympathy? Call me cruel, but your head only hurts 'a little'? Well then, do like everybody else in the world and ignore it. When your head is splitting so painfully you can't lift it an inch off the pillow without throwing up (and that means actually throwing up, not just feeling queasy) , then we'll take notice.

So you won't work on your fantasy world? Ok. Your choice. Your loss. If you want to act like a 2 year old and refuse to do something you might enjoy, go right ahead. Just remember we're a community of adults here and such behaviour won't win you any sympathy.

You don't need to exaggerate minor symptoms in your head in order to justify doing nothing for the day. Not to us, not to yourself. If nothing is what you want to do, do nothing.

If focusing on unimportant physical signs in your body is your idea of passing the day usefully then knock yourself out on it. Have fun. Enjoy.

But why post details about your symptoms here? Are you so lonely that this behaviour counts as socialising or entertainment for you? :unsure:

What troubles me is posts like these are evidence you're going backwards. Then in a few days you'll post about some minor progress and expect us to jump for joy and be encouraging. Yet all you'll really have done is return to where you were before the step back. It's not real progress at all.

I'm confused. Do you want to get better? Or are you playing games with us?

If you're willing to try I'll support you 100% and always to the best of my ability. But you need to start proving that you're taking some of the advice you've been given on board, Phili. If you continue this cat and mouse game of progress and avoidance you'll end up playing alone. :(

No more posts about periods, nails, or trifling headaches. Post about the challenges you're setting yourself and how you're get on with doing them. That's something we're all genuinely interested in.

You could of said it in a nicer way things we are actually interested in at the end of the day when people have these struggles that's all they can think about maybe I'm.wrong

I understand the tough love but it was mean.

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You could of said it in a nicer way things we are actually interested in at the end of the day when people have these struggles that's all they can think about maybe I'm.wrong

I understand the tough love but it was mean.

Ciaramarie.....you are talking to people who know what it's like to struggle, who have suffered from OCD for many decades themselves. As I intimated earlier, it's perhaps difficult to understand when you've not witnessed the history, nor peoples styles of writing. Yes it was a tough post but sometimes it needs saying. If a tougher stance had been taken years ago things probably wouldn't be as difficult as they are today.

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Ciaramarie.....you are talking to people who know what it's like to struggle, who have suffered from OCD for many decades themselves. As I intimated earlier, it's perhaps difficult to understand when you've not witnessed the history, nor peoples styles of writing. Yes it was a tough post but sometimes it needs saying. If a tougher stance had been taken years ago things probably wouldn't be as difficult as they are today.

I understand that a tough stance has to be taken with me, I know what I am like. However, a couple of the things Snowbear said were unintentionally hurtful. I know I'm not an easy person. I struggle with that knowledge, I feel deeply that I am not worth saving. My psychologist doesn't want to tackle my depression yet, unless is interfears with tackling my OCD. Trouble is, I don't think OCD is the only problem and I don't know how to find out if there is anything else mentally wrong with me.

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I don't know how to find out if there is anything else mentally wrong with me

It depends how you define "mentally wrong". So far as I can see your problems are largely Psychological, and as the Psychologist suggested, developmental problems as well.. The good news is that they can be changed....but we're back to where we came in again....YOU have to make those changes every single day. You have to commit.

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I try not to post symptoms but it just, I don't even know that I am doing it, well I do but I don't, does that make sense?

Yes Phili, it does make sense. Sadly it makes perfect sense to me. Because I know what it's like to be totally committed to giving up compulsions - and then going and doing them anyway, getting halfway through before you're even aware what you're doing. :(

Decades of struggling with my own compulsions, failing over and over to stop doing them despite the best of intentions, has taught me I have compulsions and then I have habits. Habits can feel exactly like compulsions. The urge to do things the way you did them last time is huge. If you've never learned to do things any other way the habit urge can be overwhelming, just like an OCD compulsion.

But there is a difference. Compulsions are driven by anxiety, habits are driven by not knowing any different. Once you start to tell them apart you'll make progress, because it's far easier to get creative and learn a new way of doing things than it is to stop doing compulsions which genuinely terrify you.

Together I hope we can help you identify what is habit and what is compulsion. And through that begin to change your behaviour using a less threatening manner. You've had it tough, Phili. Much tougher than me, but hopefully I can use my experience of life in the real world to help you.

I want you to experience achievement and to derive pleasure from that feeling. That's the building block we're aiming for with these challenges. Once you've invented the brick you can build anything you like with it. That's why I'm pushing you to post about progress rather than symptoms. I'm a tough task-master, I admit it. And I won't apologise for it. Just remember, I'm on your team. :)

My gut instinct told me your regular posts about symptoms are social talk concealed as OCD struggles. What you say about 'this is how your family talk' suggests I was right. You also seem to know that isn't how most families and friends talk socially. Part of what Caramoole and I are doing when we prod you into positive posting is trying to teach you how other families talk socially. Sometimes lessons are easier to learn by having a go than being taught the theory and left to work out what to do by yourself.

I'm glad you're getting to know me well enough to know I'm not being mean when I kick butt. (Yours or anyone else's.) I'm used to being a team leader, a motivator. I've done a lot of hill walking and outward bound events in wild places and the one thing that's impossible for me to do is leave a straggler behind the rest of the group. I just can't do it!! No matter whether I've got to kick butt, pull, push, or carry them, my team gets through the challenge and safely home again in one piece. I've led by example from the front, I've kicked from behind, I've mucked in and pulled my weight in the middle. All three are valid motivation tools, so forgive me while I use trial and error to see which you respond to best. I'm getting to know you here too, learning how best to help you. The only thing I don't know how to do is to give up on somebody. So you may be stuck with me for the long haul. :p

We'll get there together. Your many friends here on the forum will show you how to make changes. We'll go at your pace - except when you're capable of more and just can't see it by yourself. Then we'll push you. You won't like me when I push you, but that's ok. I'm not going to get upset by it. :)

Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully we'll chat more then.

Edited by snowbear
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Snowbear, you have a weird way of talking, I can never tell if you are being mean or trying to help but judging what I have seen of you, I will go with the trying to help.

Actually I have had headaches like that, once my head swelled, they are not fun. I wasn't looking for sympathy, this is how we talk in my family. We never had anything but problems, there was no happiness no fun things to talk about, talking like this is socializing to me. It's all I know. People say, you don't need to tell us but I struggle, genuinely, to understand because it is the only way I know how to talk, this is how talking has always been to me.

I am not refusing to do my fantasy world, it is just every time I try I get this sinking feeling, I want some cheap art materials for my birthday, the ones I have are far too expensive to use on random sketching but I get the same feeling and this panic when looking at my hands. I am not being childish, I'm trying to overcome it but I am so stressed I cannot think and I am starting to feel that I cannot cope.

I am that lonely to be quite honest and yes, talking about my issues tends to be the only communication I actually do. To me this is socializing but It isn't entertainment. No one asks how my day has been, how i'm feeling, if I feel any better, they dont care about what I did all day or sit through my interests, even though it isn't their interest, just because they care. I wont ever have my Mum again and everything I do, everything I say, everything I feel, everything I have interest in, just doesn't feel like it matters at all.

I don't know why I don't make progress, I want to, everyone on here is so determined but the life I have led would be totally alien to everyone here. It is very difficult to explain but it wasn't normal, everyone here is striving for the life they had or the life those around them had but the life I have now is normal to me and I don't know what I am reaching for and when I make a list I think, is that really so important, am I even worth that, why would that matter.

And then everyone says, make a choice, do you want to stay like this and I don't but I don't understand either, I keep trying but I keep forgetting what I am supposed to do and people seem to think that I do this on purpose, that I don't try on purpose but I do try, I try all the time but I can't move fast enough and it is all overwhelming and I keep getting told off, I don't understand, people seem to think that I am, I don't know, dramatic but I'm not. I have come to the realization that I am not normal, I don't seem to think or react like everyone else and I don't know why. My psychologist says that because of the way I have lived I have missed stages of development and maybe that is it.

I don't know why I make these posts. I just don't have anyone else to tell. I am not looking for anything, I just make them because I'm supposed to.

I can't get anyone to understand the way I think. I feel like every word bounces off of an egg shell.

Just wanted to thank you for this post, phili. I found it very moving to read. I think you are a very intelligent person with so many really good insights.

I'm also very happy to hear that you are working on that graphic novel. I really hope you manage to get the cheaper art supplies you are after so that you can do your projects on a regular basis. Is there anything stopping you from getting those supplies? Art is great therapy and so is working on something you are talented at.

I think it will make you like yourself more and more-and then hopefully you could post progress on those projects instead of focussing on physical symptoms. I think it's a good idea to not post on things like physical symptoms because that can really help grow those obsessions. it draws the mind more toward those things.

Wouldn't it be nice to work slowly at clearing out that room as heryn suggested to make a beautiful little art studio? I also really like that idea of sitting in the garden while sorting through it all. Nature is a wonderful healer and if you can manage to spend some time outside I think that would probably be very helpful. you sound like you have a very sensitive soul that would respond well to bird song and breezes!

take care phili!

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Just wanted to thank you for this post, phili. I found it very moving to read. I think you are a very intelligent person with so many really good insights.

I'm also very happy to hear that you are working on that graphic novel. I really hope you manage to get the cheaper art supplies you are after so that you can do your projects on a regular basis. Is there anything stopping you from getting those supplies? Art is great therapy and so is working on something you are talented at.

I think it will make you like yourself more and more-and then hopefully you could post progress on those projects instead of focussing on physical symptoms. I think it's a good idea to not post on things like physical symptoms because that can really help grow those obsessions. it draws the mind more toward those things.

Wouldn't it be nice to work slowly at clearing out that room as heryn suggested to make a beautiful little art studio? I also really like that idea of sitting in the garden while sorting through it all. Nature is a wonderful healer and if you can manage to spend some time outside I think that would probably be very helpful. you sound like you have a very sensitive soul that would respond well to bird song and breezes!

take care phili!

Thank you :original:

I did get my art sullies, took some wheeling and dealing because Anne has cost a lot at the vet but it is my Birthday week after next. I love to draw but I am always so fussy over it that I never get anywhere so now I am working towards not being fussy.

Right now I am attempting to ignore poking. I got up and was moving my hands, thought something touched my finger and then it was, was that a lump? Then it faded away like a dream and I was left confused, I guess that is an intrusive thought?

Feels like the area of my breast I am paranoid about is glowing like Tom and Jerry's thumb. I know I have to sit with the anxiety...see this is why I eat.

Edited by Phili
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