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Breakdown. Numbness the alternative to Compulsions?


Guest ADD

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I'm struggling bad. I haven't felt this emotional in ages.

After so much stress of the constant battle with the world and navigating it through a maze of compulsions and exhausting games of dodging the triggers and suppressing unwanted thoughts, I'm just so burnt out.

And then last night when the guy I liked triggered me badly by a reply he said, I couldn't take it anymore. He managed to ruin the idea of himself, his city, and the last faith I had in people all in 1 sentence. Nice job! He used to be so classy.

Of course I regretted so much saying what I said, as if I hadn't then there never would of been the reply about it. Though the fact is, I can't predict any of that stuff. I can't precog what not to do or say to avoid unpredictable triggers. Can't control people.

Though the fact still remains that I can't control how fragile my mind is either, and how much pain it suffers so easily to the negative things of the world. How easily even thoughts make me feel so physically sick or depressed or confused. I feel like the mental equivalent of Samuel L Jackson in Unbreakable. My mind bruises like a peach to all these things other people don't even feel!

I think I rambled something about nothing being maintainable and wanting to check out, then deactivated all my social accounts. I really do feel like checking out. What is the point of anything and trying so much constantly for an unsustainable balance? It's an endless battle and I always feel like I'm trying to build my life on quick sand.

Adapt or die. Though I've never been able to adapt to this world. All the constant effort and trying again to gain some intermittent peace of mind and enjoyment, knowing full well in the back of my mind that it's only a matter of time before that's destroyed again. It's like putting so much effort into the detail of building sand castles, knowing how often the wind picks up to blow it away again!

Why do I bother trying to pretend to be normal and fit in and connect with normal people? It's even so funny to me how these normal friends always view themselves as 'unnormal'. Ha! They don't even understand how normal and healthy they actually are.

I'm so alone in reality. So alone, cause my internal battle is always alone. Little over sensitive girl, endlessly fighting an unwinable war against a hydra. As if I ever stood a chance! And other people don't understand, don't want to really know as it's only a depressing burden they don't have to deal with and would drag them down. Understandable, and they don't deserve to be bothered.

I never put my troubles on other people. I'm considerate enough not to do that. I don't complain much. I put on a brave face and talk as if I'm stronger than I actually feel. Sometimes I even half believe my own delusions. Though the reality of sensitivity shatters those delusions so often, reminding me who I really am.

Which brings me back to why I was so effected by last night. It's the accumulation of everything, and the reminder that it's all a fruitless battle that I can't ever win. Constant pain again. This is why I never bother to date anyone.

That's why I couldn't stop crying last night and felt like I just wanted to go to sleep forever and numb myself. The world forgetting, by the world forgot! I missed the business conference I was supposed to go to this morning.

Though if I really really tried to stop my compulsions and avoidances, the alternative and consequence is a lot of constant pain! As my triggers are everywhere and in the hundreds, maybe thousands. My mind without the avoidance or compulsions would find other ways to cope or escape the pain. And I believe that would be to not care about much and feel numb. If it's all pain, all around me, then how would not the only way it'd cope be numbness. The instinct to tune out, withdraw and feel self destructive also.

What is the point of it all? Life itself is building sand castles in a storm of time. If it's not even enjoyable, what are we doing it for? I had kept all my little compulsions cause of that reason, for at least some in between moments of slight enjoyment or at least relief from the pain. I became addicted to all those little moments, as high maintenance as they have been.

Fighting OCD is supposed to be about being all tough. Tough against it, blah blah blah.

I don't feel so tough anymore.

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Your mind without the avoidance or compulsions would feel hard at first but it would get better. Soo much better. Certainly you would feel alot better than you do now x

No Guarantee of that. Maybe. Maybe not.

No one in my life cares though, that really hurts. Makes me want to not care about them back.

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Your mind without the avoidance or compulsions would feel hard at first but it would get better. Soo much better. Certainly you would feel alot better than you do now x

Is it supposed to hurt this much? It's heartbreaking. Constantly feel sick.

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Hi ADD,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I just wanted to post to say I understand and let you know we're all here to support you.

Are you seeing a therapist for the OCD and/or working on CBT?

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No Guarantee of that. Maybe. Maybe not.

No one in my life cares though, that really hurts. Makes me want to not care about them back.

Well if you find a way of coping with with your compulsions and avoidance, I would say chances are you would feel better as that would be OCD no longer ruling your life?

Have u had CBT before? Or read any self help books? A popular one on here is Break Free From OCD. X

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Hi ADD,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I just wanted to post to say I understand and let you know we're all here to support you.

Are you seeing a therapist for the OCD and/or working on CBT?

Thanks. Not seeing a therapist, though I have before for many years. They never helped me.

Well if you find a way of coping with with your compulsions and avoidance, I would say chances are you would feel better as that would be OCD no longer ruling your life?

Have u had CBT before? Or read any self help books? A popular one on here is Break Free From OCD. X

That depends on how I cope. If it's constant unhappiness and depression, or I turn to drinking or something, then won't really feel better. At least my ups and downs had lots of ups...

I've had therapy, I know about CBT. Though there is no cure for erasing memories or things you've heard. The associations are permanent. It's either avoidance or pain. And nothing can make you unsensitive to life when you're sensitive. The stresses of life and environment and the mind.

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Hi ADD,

What kind of CBT techniques have you tried? Every therapist is different in their approach and sometimes some CBT methods or what's emphasized works better than others depending on the person implementing them.

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Thanks. Not seeing a therapist, though I have before for many years. They never helped me.

That depends on how I cope. If it's constant unhappiness and depression, or I turn to drinking or something, then won't really feel better. At least my ups and downs had lots of ups...

I've had therapy, I know about CBT. Though there is no cure for erasing memories or things you've heard. The associations are permanent. It's either avoidance or pain. And nothing can make you unsensitive to life when you're sensitive. The stresses of life and environment and the mind.

But why would u feel constant unhappiness or depression if you were recovering from OCD? Turning to drinking isn't recovering either. Do u want to recover or are u needing to vent? I don't want to be pushing recovery if that isn't what you are after at the moment ❤

You mention past memories or experiences, do u suffer from PTSD at all? Have u spoken to someone about whatever happened in your past?

If you have depression they tend to recommend tackling that 1st, so you are in a better place to start getting your life back from OCD x

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Hi ADD,

What kind of CBT techniques have you tried? Every therapist is different in their approach and sometimes some CBT methods or what's emphasized works better than others depending on the person implementing them.

ERP

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But why would u feel constant unhappiness or depression if you were recovering from OCD? Turning to drinking isn't recovering either. Do u want to recover or are u needing to vent? I don't want to be pushing recovery if that isn't what you are after at the moment ❤

You mention past memories or experiences, do u suffer from PTSD at all? Have u spoken to someone about whatever happened in your past?

If you have depression they tend to recommend tackling that 1st, so you are in a better place to start getting your life back from OCD x

As a result of not avoiding triggers which is what my compulsions have been. Exposure to them causes pain and suffering and depression. Intolerable.

PTSD? Yeh of about a thousand things. All spikes cause me PTSD. I have PTSD now about what my friend said last night and new triggers that remind me of what he said. And many more similar types of things I have been exposed to in the past. They build and build. Reminders of the spikes are everywhere, and new ones always being created.

I have depression since last night. I don't know how acute it is, though I'm sick of this. My life is so unsustainable and pointless.

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I have so much regret for talking to him at all last night. Changed the course of everything. I wouldn't be in this despair, would still think great of that city, and would be at the event right now I missed today, feeling still positive about my future.

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I don't believe those connections you talk about are permanent. They may seem like it right now because you have done compulsions around them and they therefore continually show up for you. I believe those connections can be broken, one at a time.

You say facing triggers causes pain but that is nothing different than what every OCD sufferer faces when stopping compulsions. You have to get tough and do the hard work necessary to move forward.

If ERP didn't work for you last time then do it again. Go in with a determined mind set and try again. And again. And again. You have to do something. Sitting still is going to keep you in misery.

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I don't believe those connections you talk about are permanent. They may seem like it right now because you have done compulsions around them and they therefore continually show up for you. I believe those connections can be broken, one at a time.

You say facing triggers causes pain but that is nothing different than what every OCD sufferer faces when stopping compulsions. You have to get tough and do the hard work necessary to move forward.

If ERP didn't work for you last time then do it again. Go in with a determined mind set and try again. And again. And again. You have to do something. Sitting still is going to keep you in misery.

You don't believe that memories are permanent? I don't think there is anything in the scientific literature to suggest it is possible to erase memories. If only Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind was real. Or the Men in Black neuralyzer.

Maybe they could be weakened some, like a language you don't use and are not exposed to anymore. Though I'm exposed to this language every day in life. When I see or hear them, my mind remembers what they're connected to or represents, and that memory reinforces the memory of what they represent.

What every OCD sufferer faces when stopping compulsions is anxiety. I face depression and nausea facing them, not anxiety. Those feelings don't peak and then lower and go away the way anxiety does.

How do you get tough when you're not tough and are just so emotional?

Edited by ADD
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I didn't mean to suggest that memories can be erased. What I was getting at is that the connections you have built up, where a thing is attached to an emotional response, can be changed. You don't have to go through your life freaking out over a thing forever. That can change. You might remember that that thing used to give you trouble but the connection to an emotional response can be changed.

Not performing compulsions causes distress. Most people call their distress anxiety. You call it depression and nausea. Fine. Are you telling me that if you don't do a compulsion your level of depression and nausea rises and never goes back down? It stays up permanently? Then if you stop another compulsion your depression and nausea increases again and never goes down and on and on? Somehow I don't think so.

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The things are not attached to emotional responses, they're attached to memories of other things.

Does it stay permanently? No cause I can't stay exposed to whatever thing endlessly. My mind is on to other things that have their own different effects on my emotions. Though the thing I had not avoided prior, when I encounter it again as I always do, then the feelings return.

Though the number of things that have this effect are so many, I keep encountering more every minute or few seconds. I can't deal with the barrage and the emotional burden of them all and then not avoiding one after another after another as they appear. The internal resistance is so high. There is no hierarchy, they're simply everywhere, and so I constantly feel ill.

Also, as in other ERP stuff, it's all superficial symptom chasing. Doesn't address the emotional disturbance that keeps it all dynamic and ever shifting and creating of new triggers and new traumas all the time.

I think I'm just hormonal right now, and feeling heartbroken.

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With good CBT you will learn to counteract new thoughts and triggers as they come before they take hold :) x

They take hold instantly. Never heard of this type of CBT of countering thoughts. My heart literally feels broken. That's clearly not just a thought.

Edited by ADD
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Guest SurfRider

Adapt or die. Though I've never been able to adapt to this world. All the constant effort and trying again to gain some intermittent peace of mind and enjoyment, knowing full well in the back of my mind that it's only a matter of time before that's destroyed again. It's like putting so much effort into the detail of building sand castles, knowing how often the wind picks up to blow it away again!

Why do I bother trying to pretend to be normal and fit in and connect with normal people? It's even so funny to me how these normal friends always view themselves as 'unnormal'. Ha! They don't even understand how normal and healthy they actually are.

Yeah, I feel that the good things in my life sometimes get destroyed. Sometimes my own unconscious mind and OCD destroys them. I'm trying the ACT strategy for this: no matter how destructive your thoughts and feelings are, what matters most is your actions. You don't have a lot of control over your thoughts and feelings, but you have much more control over your actions. Regardless of how crazy the thoughts and feelings become, act according to your values.

This strategy has been working for me in many ways. I value getting good grades and studying, so when I don't feel like studying, I study anyway. My feelings may fight me and go all over the place, but it's my actions that count. I value getting in shape and losing some weight (about 20 pounds for me). I sometimes don't feel like going to the gym and lifting weights, but I go anyway. And it's paying off. My grades have improved, I'm losing weight, and I'm getting stronger.

I've had a change of life philosophy lately. I don't believe that we are defined by the desires of our hearts. It's not our longings or our yearnings that define us. It's not who we are inside. What matters most is what we do.

As for being "normal" I know what you mean. Most people who think they're "crazy" don't know the first thing about mental illness. Maybe I will be able to have a "normal" relationship someday, and maybe I won't. I don't know. What I am striving for right now is to act according to my values.

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I haven't read all of your threads ADD. What are your specific obsessions and compulsions? Knowing that would be helpful for me in responding.

Mental contamination. Things becoming contaminated by association to bothersome things and becoming reminders of them.

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Yeah, I feel that the good things in my life sometimes get destroyed. Sometimes my own unconscious mind and OCD destroys them. I'm trying the ACT strategy for this: no matter how destructive your thoughts and feelings are, what matters most is your actions. You don't have a lot of control over your thoughts and feelings, but you have much more control over your actions. Regardless of how crazy the thoughts and feelings become, act according to your values.

This strategy has been working for me in many ways. I value getting good grades and studying, so when I don't feel like studying, I study anyway. My feelings may fight me and go all over the place, but it's my actions that count. I value getting in shape and losing some weight (about 20 pounds for me). I sometimes don't feel like going to the gym and lifting weights, but I go anyway. And it's paying off. My grades have improved, I'm losing weight, and I'm getting stronger.

I've had a change of life philosophy lately. I don't believe that we are defined by the desires of our hearts. It's not our longings or our yearnings that define us. It's not who we are inside. What matters most is what we do.

As for being "normal" I know what you mean. Most people who think they're "crazy" don't know the first thing about mental illness. Maybe I will be able to have a "normal" relationship someday, and maybe I won't. I don't know. What I am striving for right now is to act according to my values.

Thanks. Yeh it is difficult when it feels there is no meaning anymore. Could go through the actions, though feel like a lifeless robot and so unenthusiastic.

Though there is a difference between normal not feeling up to something or feeling lazy or undisciplined or slightly depressed, and feeling OCD or having to resist compulsions of avoidances. I mean I know what you mean, though it's on a whole other level then.

There are so many choices also. Most often I could still do things overall that I want to do, that I planned on, towards my goals, and still perform thousands of compulsions at the same time, cause they consist of like 100 options for instance, and 75% of them are 'contaminated' in some way, so I avoid those in the process of choosing, and take forever, finally settling on the choice that didn't have contaminated variables, or at least the fewest or whatever. The less choices, then the easier it is usually, though it's never easy, and there are always so many options most of the time. I'm constantly indecisive.

I don't think I'll be able to have a 'normal' relationship. It's not normal for someone in the relationship to react the way my mind and emotions react, or rather over react to things. I was practically 'obsessed' with that guy for months and months and thought so highly of him. Then he ruined it all in seconds. I've lost my respect for him since and can't feel the same about him anymore. Now I almost look down on him and also resent him at the same time. That's how powerful this stuff is.

Maybe I would of been more forgiving if we had actually been in a relationship, though now I don't even want to give him a chance.

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Guest SurfRider

Thanks. Yeh it is difficult when it feels there is no meaning anymore. Could go through the actions, though feel like a lifeless robot and so unenthusiastic.

Though there is a difference between normal not feeling up to something or feeling lazy or undisciplined or slightly depressed, and feeling OCD or having to resist compulsions of avoidances. I mean I know what you mean, though it's on a whole other level then.

When I was devout Mormon, my whole concept of the meaning of life was focused on religion and the afterlife. For me and nearly all other devout Mormons, the purpose of this life is to prepare for the afterlife and to prove yourself worthy of a great reward in the afterlife.

Many people, including myself, have difficulty finding meaning and purpose in life after leaving religion. If I'm not living for God, then what am I living for? There are many books by atheist authors that speak of ways to find meaning in life without God. But it's still hard for me to step back and answer the question, "Why am I even doing all of this?"

One of the central tenets of the existential school of psychology is that life is ultimately meaningless, including for people who don't have OCD. I am coming to believe that it is our responsibility to create meaning in our lives. I see that as the only viable alternative to nihilism.

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When I was devout Mormon, my whole concept of the meaning of life was focused on religion and the afterlife. For me and nearly all other devout Mormons, the purpose of this life is to prepare for the afterlife and to prove yourself worthy of a great reward in the afterlife.

Many people, including myself, have difficulty finding meaning and purpose in life after leaving religion. If I'm not living for God, then what am I living for? There are many books by atheist authors that speak of ways to find meaning in life without God. But it's still hard for me to step back and answer the question, "Why am I even doing all of this?"

One of the central tenets of the existential school of psychology is that life is ultimately meaningless, including for people who don't have OCD. I am coming to believe that it is our responsibility to create meaning in our lives. I see that as the only viable alternative to nihilism.

Yeh. Well to me, benefits are a purpose to doing things. If they give you great enjoyment of experiences or are satisfying at some deeper level of interest whether if the payoff is immediate or in the future at some point. There is a reason for doing the things and you have strong motives.

Though so then if you feel miserable in thought or emotions and are unable to get much enjoyment out of your actions, they become pointless and fruitless. You could go through the actions though not get any of the emotional benefits. You're living just to breathe.

That's how I feel sometimes when my ocd gets so bad and I'm not mentally or emotionally available to enjoy anything cause those faculties are fully overtaken in space by negative unwanted feelings and impressions. Actions without benefit start to feel pretty much like wasted effort. The temporal nature makes things even less purposeful. The benefits of efforts don't last long at all.

Though fortunately there are moments and times that the dark clouds disperse enough to let some light through and enjoy things. Only never lasts though.

As far as spiritual meanings, I'm still lost on that stuff also. Most of it to me, including the eastern philosophy stuff about losing ego etc. is based around guilt for not controlling a mind you never programmed yourself to begin with. I wrote a long FB note about it, it all is so confusing. I don't even want to bother.

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