Jump to content

Toughest exposure to date, massive anxiety


Guest dukkha

Recommended Posts

Hey everyone,

today I have to face a situation that I truly, truly dread. I have to go to a work party at the house of one of my colleagues. Problem is, we had another party there roughly seven months back and after that night I had one of my worst false memory episodes, the one that really made things spiral out of control. And now I'm panicking at the thought of returning to that place.

Basically what happened back then was that I had intrusive thoughts during the party (of the "what if I cheat on my boyfriend"-variety) but due to alcohol and the fact that I had a falling out with my boyfriend (so I was feeling like I couldn't make my life dependent on him and needed to feel comfortable by myself), managed to ignore them and just have fun. I talked to colleagues, had some interesting and fun conversations, met some new people that I liked and ultimately enjoyed the fact that other people seemed to like me. Went home, was glad to see my boyfriend and went to bed. Cut to the next morning and I wake up hungover, drowning in guilt and with my head bursting with thoughts.

The bottom line was that I was feeling immensely guilty for having had fun despite the fact that I had intrusive thoughts during the party (so for example I sought out the conversation with a colleague, even though I had had a thought that he was funny and good-looking). My head took it from there and created all of the false memory scenarios possible. All of them involved cheating in one way or another. This was one of the toughest periods of my life. Part of me feels silly that this kind of false memory posed such a problem for me but it did. I felt absolutely worthless, like a terrible person, like I would lose everything I value in life (and I kept waiting for someone to send my boyfriend pictures of me doing wrong or just... my terrible "secret" coming to light in any other form). I went through all the stages with this "memory", including the one where you feel like you have definitely done something or else you wouldn't be feeling this way.

In the end, with help of the great advice on this forum and hard work, I got over it. Meaning that I stopped trying to prove that nothing had happened and chose to rely on the fact that I couldn't remember something happening. I learned to see that my OCD was at work and carry on with my life.

Still, going back to that place is making me feel breathless with anxiety. I've been having thoughts that my life will be ruined today all morning. I picture someone coming up to me and saying "Oh aren't you the one who kissed X at the last party?" and then my terrible realisation that it did happen, then having to come back home, break my boyfriend's heart, break up, lose everything I value, etc. etc. There are a thousand variations of this in my head.

But I also feel like I have to go! If I back off now, I will just be confirming to the OCD that, yes, it is somewhat justified to be scared of going. That, yes, I did something wrong and therefore cannot face a work party. It will also just feed into my feelings of being undeserving (because I would feel like my relationship would only continue because I avoided finding out the "truth").

So, I'm getting ready and going. If this isn't the day where all of my worst fears come true, it might just be a day where I take a huge step forward!

Link to comment

I did it :) Had some bad thoughts and anxious moment but only fleeting thoughts, really. Overall, I really had a good time. Given how I was feeling some months ago, I can't believe it, I might actually be able to call myself an ex-sufferer one day.

Link to comment

I did it :) Had some bad thoughts and anxious moment but only fleeting thoughts, really. Overall, I really had a good time. Given how I was feeling some months ago, I can't believe it, I might actually be able to call myself an ex-sufferer one day.

Thats great work :) so good to see positive posts like this xx

Link to comment

I did it :) Had some bad thoughts and anxious moment but only fleeting thoughts, really. Overall, I really had a good time. Given how I was feeling some months ago, I can't believe it, I might actually be able to call myself an ex-sufferer one day.

Excellent. Glad it all worked out for you. This should be motivation for you to do it again.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...