People with pedo OCD - do you ever feel angry at kids for your condition?

[Guest 007Discipline]

I thought I should write a brief intro about me, since I'm a very new member.

I'm a college student in New York, and have had POCD for about 5 years now. I don't know how it all started exactly; I remember watching a program about child molesters one day, and then another day, months afterward, I just woke up and said to myself "my god, I'm a pedophile". It's been waxing and waning since then, as is characteristic of OCD. But at its worst, it was so bad, that I stayed in bed for days on end, barely eating or drinking.

Naturally, I exerted a lot of effort from thinking/worrying about little kids. And at this point, I have basically no energy left to worry about them. Instead, I'm usually angry at them, like REALLY angry. I don't abuse them or anything, but I'd just spend hours on end, thinking about how good it'll be if they were to disappear, or if everyone was born as adults or something. When people talk about how their kids are so cute and precious....basically, my pedo obsessions have knocked all sentimentalism for kids out of me. I find that if I don't stay angry at them, then I'll just start slipping into my anxieties again...

It really sucks, because on the one hand, I know all this anger/hatred is irrational, and that no child has ever done anything to me...but man, do I get ****** every time I think about them. I must sound like a sociopath to normal people...

Edited February 8, 2016 by 007Discipline

[PolarBear]

Hi 007 and welcome to the forum.

I think I can understand where you anger comes from. Children are the focal point of your obsessions and since the obsessions cause you high levels of anxiety, you lash out (inside your head) at that focal point.

You know the hatred is irrational. Kids have never done anything to you, but I suspect they trigger your obsessions so your anger is understandable to a degree but misplaced. It is not kids you should be angry at but OCD.

What have you done, if anything, to deal with your OCD effectively? Have you looked into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Have you considered medications? CBT is the gold standard treatment for OCD and it helps the majority of people who properly engage with it.

[Guest 007Discipline]

Yes, I have done CBT. It's been really successful actually, and I can function almost as well as I could before my POCD started. However, I still get some episodes here and there....my OP was written in the midst of a particularly severe episode, a few days ago.

I don't really want to use the word "hatred", but that's exactly what I feel every time I see a kid. I can't help think to myself "if only there were no such thing as children, I wouldn't have developed my pedophile fears". I have to talk to my doctors about it, I've never actually told them before.

Going on a slight tangent, as I've began recovering from my worst POCD period, I've started to become, simultaneously, optimistic about my future, and cynical of society as a whole. I don't want to whine, but my obsessions were largely fueled by how the public thinks of pedophiles; even if someone has one sexual thought about kids, just one thought, they'd want to crucify them. (I know because I started threads in non-OCD forums about this.) I've read articles about pedophiles who never harmed any child, and who are ashamed and don't want their thoughts, and all anybody has to offer in the comments is disgusting, hateful garbage, even death threats. There was an article where the author pushed for treatment and compassion for those pedophiles haven't hurt any child yet, and who want to change. It seemed like people didn't even read beyond the headline. I'm really wondering how many OCD people, at least, could avoid the pedo obsessions if society wasn't this absurdly hateful.

[Guest lucylia]

Not to diss your post lol ... But the last part of that is the worst thing someone like me could read ?

Lucy xxx