I think it's just the way I am and my intentions are bad.

[Running Lover]

Please firstly let me say this isn't a reassurance post. Today and yesterday I really struggled driving. I felt like I held so much responsibility behind the wheel I couldn't cope. What I mean by this is I had the power to cause damage if I wanted to and it terrified me. I started to think maybe it's just who I am and my intention is to harm. I've done a lot of work with psychological therapist re ocd and anxiety and it has made sense and I understood it perfectly. What I don't understand is the overwhelming feeling that I do want to eg knock over cyclist/pedestrian. I was terrified driving home from work tonight and refused to go and collect a parcel from the post office as I wanted to get home as soon as I could. In really frightened, confused and feeling quite dreadful and helpless

[PolarBear]

An OCD obsession is an intrusive thought, image, urge, impulse or fear that causes distress (or combination of those). I suspect what you are going through is having an intrusive thought and an urge to drive into someone. There's nothing unusual about that. It's just OCD. And it doesn't mean that one day you're going to drive over someone. People with OCD don't do that sort of thing.

[Running Lover]

Yeah I can see a lot of it points to ocd. My worry is that I'm getting myself in such a state when driving and feel so nervous which will in turn cause an accident in itself. I can't think straight at the moment. That's why I want to stop. Additionally these thoughts I'm having which are telling me that's what I want to do etc etc I can't for the life of me work out what to do when they come.

[Caramoole]

You just keep doing it Liberty, with the fear that you might and no internal conversations going on with yourself.

It's very unsettling....but most OCD thoughts are.

[Running Lover]

I can't risk any type of accident so I've spoke to my parents and they are taking my car for me.

[Caramoole]

I think you're very unwise

[Cub]

Oh Liberty, my poor Liberty. :hug:

The fact that you're so frightened shows you care and that you would be the last person to cause harm. I do understand where you're coming from; I've been thinking recently that maybe I have the intention to harm and that I have dark desires. But I haven't done anything, and I don't plan to. Responsibility plays a huge role and you're just trying to make sure no-one comes to harm. The fact is, though, they won't, because you wouldn't, you see? I can tell you now that you're not going to hurt anyone.

I understand what you mean by wanting to shut yourself away, but have another go. Keep getting behind the wheel of the car. Just do your best. What you're showing is awareness of the potential perils of the road, which we are all aware of, but what you're doing is your greatest effort to make sure you follow them, because you're a good person.

C x

[Running Lover]

Oh I just don't know it makes me so sad. I just don't know what to do with myself I'm so frightened to test the theory that I won't cause harm, it's not something I can do. It's such a terrible feeling. I was driving down the road before and some school kids where at the island in the rd ( but not the part with the lights ). You know when it's a bit sketchy as to if they are going to step out or not, well my head was going literally crazy. I slowed down as it was a junction I was approaching but this seemed to cause more confusion to the kids. I'm worried because if they would have stepped out etc etc also be being super cautious slowing down kind of caused more confusion to the pedestrian I shouldn't have done that but I was in such a panicked frame of mind.

[Caramoole]

Okay.....so you've resolved that problem by giving the car away.....What happens with the next problem? Do you stop doing and avoid that thing, and the next, and the next?

Would it be helpful advise for me to reply around the forum telling one person to give their child away, another to leave their husband, another to remove every kitchen utensil except spoons from their kitchen? Because that's the sort of advice you're giving yourself, avoid.

I understand it Liberty, I completely get it because I've had it myself and a lot more variations on that theme.....but it isn't useful or effective (or necessary) to try and handle it this way.

[PolarBear]

Caramoole is completely right. Your decision to give up your car by no means your problems are over. You have had other OCD themes and you will have others in the future. You have fixed anything. You've given in to a major compulsion and, yes, what are you going to do for the next obsession that comes along? Are you going to give up everything and let OCD win?

[Running Lover]

I know people with ocd doubt they have it that's text book. However my feelings from past few days have been. I might just be a bad person who wants to do bad things? I just don't know? That's were the problem is. Before I was getting by knowing it wasn't real. Now I don't know. I dont know who I am what I want etc it's very scary

Edited February 9, 2016 by Liberty

[Caramoole]

I honestly don't see ANYTHING different at all Liberty, other than you've got caught out by the very common "But it's different this time, this time it seems so real" thought.

OCD will entertain you for the rest of your life with variations on thoughts if you deal with them this way.

[Running Lover]

Maybe I am evil though how the hell are you supposed to know. I sometimes think I enjoy all this otherwise I'd stop.

[Caramoole]

Maybe you are evil, I don't know but either way, giving your car away isn't going to stop that is it?

And as for enjoyment.....your definition of enjoyment is certainly different to mine.

[Guest Cerisa123]

Liberty, have you had ERP? Because if you have OCD, as far as I know, your problems won't go away with giving up the car. OCD has a very good way of finding something else to make you obsess over. Until you can work out a way of dealing with the intrusive thoughts, you won't be able to deal with the underlying issue. This is like putting a plaster over a gaping wound.

This is not reassurance, but if you had wanted to run someone over, you would have done it by now, and you wouldn't feel bad about it.

[Guest lucylia]

I would hardly call giving your car away and being on the forums torturing yourself "enjoyment" x

Lucy xxx

[Running Lover]

Hi. I don't think I've done erp? We do some kind of cbt and something I can't remember the name of but involves eye movement ( that sounds crazy ) I follow her finger with my eyes and hold the feelings. I know erp involves testing yourself eg for me making myself drive and years ago I think a phychiatrist did mention that. I just feel I can't take the risk of causing any harm it literally terrifies me. I can't tell you. The feeling of having control of something that can cause harm to an innocent person it crucifies me. I'm ruminating ( I think that's the word ) over yesterday when passing school kids standing in the middle of the road. I worry if it would have been a situation where by I had to slow right down and they would have realised then they'd have stepped out like people do when they realise there's a line of traffic and I would have knocked them down ( intentionally ) my mind is so mucked up I don't even know who or what I am anymore.

[PolarBear]

You are ruminating and that's more than half your problem. You keep going over situations in your head, convincing yourself that you wanted to do something bad. That's making your situation worse.

Don't you think if you wanted to run someone over you would have done it by now? Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.

[Caramoole]

So what do you avoid next Liberty? You give up driving and take the bus, crossing to the bus stop a driver doesn't see you properly, swerves, mounts the kerb and hit's pedestrians. Do you stop taking the bus? Stop walking across roads? Have to give up shopping, going to work? Take this to it's end conclusion because this isn't going to stop with driving issues.....remove that one and another will take it's place....particularly if you don't face the problems and use avoidance instead.

[Running Lover]

Seems you were right...... Started feeling bit better as not been driving. Sat watching tv with my 17 year old he was been his usually awkward self at the time but that's nothing new. Anyway had the urge to throw a cup of tea at him so much so I put it down and wouldnt drink it. I went up to the bathroom thought il get a bath give myself a facial try not to engage but it got worse. I started to think again maybe I'm not bothered about wanting to cause harm because I'm not bothered about my life anymore. Maybe that's it that I don't want to have a future?? I tried to ignore it but it won't stop. Normally I can reason thinking why would you do that you wouldn't want to throw your life away. Now I'm thinking maybe I do?? But then I don't really. It's just it keeps nagging at me maybe I don't want a life anyway.

[PolarBear]

Or maybe you have OCD and you're just not dealing with it effectively.

[Running Lover]

Tell me what to do.... When I get the thought it's that strong it won't let me think of anything else. I tried breathing etc can you please give me an idea

[PolarBear]

We've told you lots of times that you need to identify the compulsions you do and work hard to stop them. We weren't kidding.