I can't make sense of anything

[jlmdfem]

Hi

I'm a 19 year old girl suffering with POCD.

I have been relatively ok for the last few weeks as uni has started up again and I've been very busy. But over the last few days it's started to get bad again, I think because it's my time of the month so it does normally start to flare up. But I've had so many thoughts racing through my mind and I just can't make sense of anything anymore, I feel like my head is going to explode. I'm trying to let them pass by as I know getting to the bottom of them is just ruminating and will make it worse but I'm finding it so hard I feel so so guilty all the time from the moment I wake up I have this feeling of guilt and dread. I feel as though I've done something wrong but I know I haven't. I know I don't ever want to act on my thoughts, but I worry that if someone told me it was ok to think them, I would enjoy them?! I don't want to enjoy them but I'm so so scared I would!! I feel like there's a part of my brain that has gotten jammed almost and just doesn't see them as bad anymore?! How is this possible? I used to love kids and couldn't wait to be a parent before I had these thoughts, now when I see a photo of a child on Facebook or something I have to scroll past really fast and I feel so so anxious and guilty. I hate feeling like this, can anybody offer any advice? I'm so lost and my mind is so jumbled. Please help

[PolarBear]

Scrolling past kids' pictures on Facebook would be an avoidance compulsion. Stop doing that. When you see a picture of a child, stop on it and stare at it for a while, as you practice not performing any compulsions. Don't judge the picture. Don't do anything. Just look at it and realize it's just a picture.

The one thing you don't want to do is get into a rumination cycle over this. Leave the thoughts alone. Let them pop into your head and then do nothing about them. Let them float around. They won't get a grip if you don't anchor them with compulsions.

Note that time of the month does have a negative affect on OCD. You could be going through a blip right now. Try to focus on other things in your life.

[Guest Cerisa123]

Hey Polar Bear

Can I ask how you overcame the rumination? I currently am doing REBT, and I can really see how it's going to work for me in the long run, but I'm wondering how you train your brain to not ruminate when everything is just going mad?

The problem is I am pretty depressed so it's hard to keep myself distracted with anything at the moment. Could you offer any tips on something simple I could do? The only thing that used to work for me was booze, which I've given up, so...

[PolarBear]

Well I have to admit that for me, medications helped a great deal. They quelled my brain. It wasn't going a million miles an hour, so that helped.

Putting a lid on rumination is a difficult proposition. It takes lots of practice to get right. I didn't just suddenly stop doing it. It was a process that took months. You have to practice and practice and then practice some more before you're ever going to get it right.

I think the first thing you need to realize is that you can gain control over rumination. It seems automatic and really it is but I think some people give up too easily because they think they can't do anything about it. You can control your rumination, if you do it right and if you practice relentlessly.

The next thing is to be aware of when you are ruminating. You have to be able to catch yourself ruminating so you can try to stop it.

So what you do is realize you are starting to ruminate. Then you stop yourself. You can say to yourself, "Hold it. I'm not doing this right now." Then you shift your attention onto something else. Whatever you happen to be doing at the time is fine. I was constantly telling myself, "I'm not dealing with this now."

To be frank, the first hundred times I tried that, it didn't work at all. I'd slip back into ruminating. It was frustrating. But I kept going and over time I figured it out.

[Guest SurfRider]

Hey Polar Bear

Can I ask how you overcame the rumination? I currently am doing REBT, and I can really see how it's going to work for me in the long run, but I'm wondering how you train your brain to not ruminate when everything is just going mad?

How is REBT working for OCD? I am not sure how it would work. REBT deals with irrational beliefs. But a belief is different from an obsession. Beliefs and obsessions can look somewhat similar, but are quite different in reality. I think much of the therapy I've done has failed because therapists tried to address my beliefs when they should have been addressing my obsessions.

[Nicki]

hi,

I can honestly say that I have been dealing with the same issue for 10 years now. I'm now 25 years old and still struggling. Although I have had other ocd thoughts over the years, this one always stayed.

I can totally relate when you say it get's worse during that period of the month. Next to that, I also am scared that if somebody says, it's ok to feel that way, that I might enjoy it. Or that I might feel "jealous" of people who are actually doing such things.

Hardest thing for me is the quilty feeling. Feeling guilty over the thoughts itself but also when trying to enjoy myself. Not sure if that's an issue you are facing as well?

May I ask you about your specific obsessions?

Nicki

[Guest wackybrain]

Polarbear you really are an inspiration on this forum and you really do give great advice. Im glad ive read your post on here because im constantly going round and round in circles in my brain and i try hard to stop thinking the same thoughts each day. Yesterday i had a great day but today i couldnt stop them and ive let them get to me again. Ive chased up my appointment for cbt but im wondering as exhausting as it is do i just carry on stopping all the thinking or are there any other techniques and how well did the meds help as im not taking any meds but im thinking of considering it

[PolarBear]

Meds did a fantastic job for me. I was one of the lucky ones who responded very well to meds. The rest I dealt with using CBT and ERP. I think meds are worth a try. They work for some people; for others they don't do much. It's a personal choice that should be made in concert with your doctor.

[Guest wackybrain]

Do the meds just help with the anxiety or with the thinking too because i do get over the anxiety and i dont let that bother me but obviously the thinking does. Im waiting to hear back on friday on when were starting cbt and then ill talk about meds. If i could stop obsessing i think ill just about be able to handle this!!

[Guest wackybrain]

Polarbear just a quick question for you i hope you dont mind. Today im going to label every thought i have which is involved with my intrusive thoughts OCD, so everytime 1 pops up im just gunna say ocd and carry on. Will doing this help me on my road to recovery or will this be another compulsion ill be giving myself? ?

[jlmdfem]

hi,

I can honestly say that I have been dealing with the same issue for 10 years now. I'm now 25 years old and still struggling. Although I have had other ocd thoughts over the years, this one always stayed.

I can totally relate when you say it get's worse during that period of the month. Next to that, I also am scared that if somebody says, it's ok to feel that way, that I might enjoy it. Or that I might feel "jealous" of people who are actually doing such things.

Hardest thing for me is the quilty feeling. Feeling guilty over the thoughts itself but also when trying to enjoy myself. Not sure if that's an issue you are facing as well?

May I ask you about your specific obsessions?

Nicki

Hi Nicki

Thank you so much for replying, it's always comforting knowing there's other people with the same worries as me. You sound exactly like me with your OCD. Everything you have described I am suffering with too. Especially feeling guilty when I'm trying to enjoy myself, this makes it so difficult when I'm around family. I' still trying to find a way to deal with it so I'm sorry I'm not much help.

My obsessions surround the idea I want to molest children. It all started when I had a random thought that I could rape children and it then felt like I wanted to so I got really scared and went to the doctor. They told me it was my hormones but to come back if it worsened. It did and then it surrounded the idea of molestation and it hasn't changed since. All I know is I DON'T want to ever act on my thoughts but it's the horrible feeling that I worry I would enjoy it if I did or if somebody told me it was ok to think these thoughts then I would enjoy them. I feel so terrible all the time and feel like I'm this monster that's hiding who I really am from my family and friends and if they knew what I was thinking and feeling they'd hate me and want to lock me up so that makes me feel like a coward and a fraud. It's really not good at the moment

I know I haven't given you any advice but I always find it comforting knowing someone else is dealing with the same thing I am so I hope that helps. Stay strong! You will find a technique that works. Just know that it isn't you no matter how many times the OCD tries to tell you it is.

Feel free to send me a message if you want, good luck xxx

[SJ06]

Hi Nicki

Thank you so much for replying, it's always comforting knowing there's other people with the same worries as me. You sound exactly like me with your OCD. Everything you have described I am suffering with too. Especially feeling guilty when I'm trying to enjoy myself, this makes it so difficult when I'm around family. I' still trying to find a way to deal with it so I'm sorry I'm not much help.

My obsessions surround the idea I want to molest children. It all started when I had a random thought that I could rape children and it then felt like I wanted to so I got really scared and went to the doctor. They told me it was my hormones but to come back if it worsened. It did and then it surrounded the idea of molestation and it hasn't changed since. All I know is I DON'T want to ever act on my thoughts but it's the horrible feeling that I worry I would enjoy it if I did or if somebody told me it was ok to think these thoughts then I would enjoy them. I feel so terrible all the time and feel like I'm this monster that's hiding who I really am from my family and friends and if they knew what I was thinking and feeling they'd hate me and want to lock me up so that makes me feel like a coward and a fraud. It's really not good at the moment

I know I haven't given you any advice but I always find it comforting knowing someone else is dealing with the same thing I am so I hope that helps. Stay strong! You will find a technique that works. Just know that it isn't you no matter how many times the OCD tries to tell you it is.

Feel free to send me a message if you want, good luck xxx

Hey. Just wanted to say I completely empathise with your situation....the horrible feelings. The guilt. But it is OCD you know and you shouldn't feel guilty because it simply isn't your fault. You know the intrusive thoughts that I get are a different theme to yours BUT they cause the same feelings, the same guilt, etc. It's all OCD regardless of the theme. I know the feeling of it feeling 'real' and that's why we feel so bad about ourselves but it is OCD and we are not blame. These are all symptoms of a condition we have. We have to really work hard to accepting this. I've had a better few days but then not so good today and it's so frustrating but we have to try hard everyday. Try to ignore the thoughts, let them come and go and try your best to keep busy. Treat yourself.x

[jlmdfem]

Hey. Just wanted to say I completely empathise with your situation....the horrible feelings. The guilt. But it is OCD you know and you shouldn't feel guilty because it simply isn't your fault. You know the intrusive thoughts that I get are a different theme to yours BUT they cause the same feelings, the same guilt, etc. It's all OCD regardless of the theme. I know the feeling of it feeling 'real' and that's why we feel so bad about ourselves but it is OCD and we are not blame. These are all symptoms of a condition we have. We have to really work hard to accepting this. I've had a better few days but then not so good today and it's so frustrating but we have to try hard everyday. Try to ignore the thoughts, let them come and go and try your best to keep busy. Treat yourself.x

Thank you so much. I was feeling really down and low this morning and having read that it's really motivated me so thank you! Good luck to you too x

[Nicki]

Hi again,

Although I had some bad weeks , I'm now doing better again. I think mainly by taking my meds again and by saying to myself : ti's not my fault. Many times when I try to convince myself ti's ocd, it doesn't work and many what ifs pop up. But with the mediciation it get's a lot better. It kind of blocks the ruminating.

I really feel sorry for you because I know how hard this is and how it can affect your whole life. At least it has with me.

All things other people enjoy are a problem for me because of the guilt. But this is where the medication also helps.

I actually told my parents, friends and boyfriend about this ocd over the years and They are all very supportive Although the sensitive background of the thoughts.

I'm not saying you need to drop this on your parents at all. That's Totally your choice. But I know it helps a great deal to have people supporting you. You can start by saying Some basic stuff and later go into depth.

My boyfriend once told me when I had a really bad time : you are the kindest person I know. You would never do such a thing.

This really helped a great deal. Maybe you just need to confide in someone as Well?

Nicki

[Guest abbey1011]

Hi Nicky and jlmdfem, I totally understand both of you! Whenever my ocd is bad, I feel so guilty and I want to shut myself away because I feel like I'm a monster. Even when it's better, I'm afraid to talk to the people I love about it because I'm afraid they'll misunderstand and think I'm a monster too, and then on top of everything I feel guilty about keeping it a secret like I'm being deceitful. My therapist has told me to ask myself when it gets really bad, "What kind of a person does it make me that I spend this much time worrying about how to avoid hurting people?" and I've found that that actually really helps a lot. As much as my ocd wants me to believe I am, I'm not a bad person, and neither are you two! Good luck x