Jump to content

I'm back to square one with my contamination OCD and don't know how to get up again.


Guest Anya2

Recommended Posts

I have been reading and researching OCD help all day, and finally decided that talking to fellow sufferers might help. I was diagnosed with OCD 5 years ago. I'm afraid of getting Hepatitis C or HIV and passing it on to my children. I was so bad that I stopped eating and became anorexic because I felt that if I ate it was a form of enjoyment and afterwards something bad happened like someone bleeding near me or touching something that seemed like blood. I've had CBT which helped and i've been pretty good for the past 4 years. ( although I couldn't go near hospitals or have a blood test)

No one knows about my OCD except my Mum, husband and cousin. I managed to keep it a secret from people at work as they wouldn't understand, and recently got promoted.

Now I've had a major setback, I feel like I'm back to square one. I'm terrified all the time, having constant panic attacks even in my sleep and can't get out of bed, as I feel everything has blood on it. I'm terrified of doing something wrong that will make my daughters get infected with hepatitis or HIV. Every time I buy cleaning stuff, they have either a sticky substance on it or a red mark on it and if I use it, I will spread blood everywhere. I am constantly throwing things out. Today my Mum ( who is the only person who understands and is my rock) had such a bad turn when I was hysterically crying over the phone that I wanted to die so as not to be a burden to anyone, that she nearly had to go into hospital. So I got angry with the OCD and decided enough is enough. I put in a load of washing (underwear) and only later realised that there was a red mark on top of the soap dispenser. Now all I can think is that it's blood and it went onto my hands which I put into the washing powder and the underwear. It's like every time I make a decision everything ends up worse. I've lost 5kg in 5 days. ( which I don't mind as I've put on lots of weight from the SSRI's that I couldn't shift) but I can't believe that I'm back to where I was 5 years ago and I'll never live a normal life. My husband doesn't understand and wants to leave and I feel awful that my daughters see their Mum like this. What kind of example is this for them?

Can anyone relate? Are setbacks this bad normal? Is it quicker to recover this time?

I'd love to hear of your experiences. I feel so alone and terrified!

Link to comment

Hi Anya,

Welcome to the forum :).

First off, please know that you are not alone. Contamination themed OCD is quite common and everyone here can relate to what you're going through.

When you worked through CBT the last time you were having a hard time, did you work on exposure therapy and using a hierarchy to tackle difficult triggers of the anxiety gradually?

Link to comment

Anya, i have contamination OCD too i have been in the same place as you...

and read this article on your type of OCD... (or maybe show to your husband)

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=59%3Acontamination-and-ocd-qstronger-than-dirtq&catid=0%3A&Itemid=64

AND

checkout all Katie d'Ath videos on her YouTube channel and digest.

Edited by daja
Link to comment

Thank you for replying, it means a lot finally talking to people in the same situation.

I'm trying to think back to how I started with CBT. I was so scared and weak at the time ( and not really managing to do the homework) that after the first few sessions, the therapist came to my house and we tackled all the contaminated bags of clothes and other stuff. It was awful but I think having someone take the responsibility away a little bit helped.

I think that I'm just so so dissapointed and sad that I'm not cured and can start the whole thing all over again. I feel I don't have the strength. How do you get back up again and keep on going?

Link to comment

Thank you daja. I will do.

I have read so many books on the matter and when I was feeling better I even did a counselling course in the hope of helping others. But now, I feel I'm too weak and too much of a failure to live life.

Sorry for being so negative.

Link to comment

Hi Anya,

I think the important thing is not to try and take on everything.

It sounds like there are many triggers for the anxiety so a good start might be to write down the different situations that make you anxious and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is the most anxious you could imagine feeling. If you can identify situations that bring on a little anxiety but not enough to be overwhelming, it would be a good place to start trying controlled exposures to it while not doing any behaviour to fight the anxiety (for example, avoiding touching something, washing something, going over in your head why it's not dangerous). As you sit with the anxiety and just let yourself feel it without doing compulsions, it will come down naturally.

Your ratings for the anxiety you actually experience might be different from what you predicted -- that's okay. If you find something too hard, you can move down the rating scale until you find an exposure that isn't too much (though it should make you at least a little bit anxious so you are able to see the anxiety fall over time).

Over time you can repeat these exposure exercises and when you've mastered ones that bring less anxiety, you can move to the next exposure on your list.

Link to comment

Thank you so much for the support. The links are really useful. The one that photog13 sent was like reading my life story. Except that I fear Hepatitis C more than HIV as I know it can live outside the body for a lot longer.

However, it's also became perfectly clear that I was only kidding myself that I was completely well before. My lowest number of handwashing ( with antibacterial soap) was still at least 20 times a day.

Now I just need to find the strength to start again as at the moment I just want to die so that I won't be such a burden on everyone.

I will also try to do it gradually, although today's blood on soap dispenser and washing powder and washing machine was way higher than I would have started with. I'd say about an 8

Oh and also try not to disinfect the washing machine and everything that came in contact with the soap.

I feel physical pain at the thought of resisting to do the compulsions. And the OCD is constantly telling me to do it. It's been hours and it's still as strong as it was.

Link to comment

Yes, people can regress right back to square one. How long it lasts is entirely dependent on you and how fast you start tackling your problem.

You need to identify the compulsions you are doing and work very hard to stop them. You've mentioned several already: Throwing things out, ruminating about blood on the washing machine. You need to stop doing those types of things.

You need to face your fears. So what if a bottle of cleaning liquid is sticky. Use it anyway like anyone would and do nothing in the way of compulsions.

Photog's suggestion of exposures you can do (on a hierarchal scale) is a good idea too.

You can get past this but you need to start working now.

Link to comment

Well, if you've been washing your hands 20 times a day with antibacterial soap then you were well in the throes of OCD all along. Cut that frequency down to four times a day and you'd be in the normal range. Nothing that can't be overcome, though. Just takes persistence and work.

Link to comment

Thank you PolarBear, you seem to tell it like it is. In my heart I know all this.

Mainly I just wanted some reassurance that it can get better. I hoped that someone else who has had a similar setback could tell me their story of how they got their strength back.

I'm off to see my doctor now, maybe that will help.

Link to comment

Just a quick update, Been to the doctor who actually wanted to send me in hospital. However, due to my extreme fear of hospitals she decided not to. She feels that my body and mind just couldn't cope with only getting 3-4 hours sleep for the past 5 months. Plus I witnessed a terrible accident where my neighbour was run over by a truck and died last week. She fees that the combination of the two was just too much and that's caused the set back. For now she wants me to sleep for 3 days, letting Hubbie take care of things. Once my body has recovered we will start the CBT and doing the exposures just like Photog said. So thank you guys for getting me through last night.

I would also like this opportunity to stress what an important factor sleep plays in the intensity of OCD symptoms. I was stupid as I didn't take care of myself physically, thinking I could cope but now I'm so angry with myself. Getting enough sleep will be a top priority from now on.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...