worst thought yet!!!!!!!!!

[Ocd dan]

Hi everyone,

I've not posted in a couple of weeks but I last posted before I went on holiday about thoughts that were bothering me, if only I could go back to that point as they are nothing compared to what I am now worrying about!

I went out one night on holiday with my friend and we were very very drunk.

I woke in the morning and I had flashbacks of the previous night. I remember dancing and having a laugh in a club, and I remember leaving the club without my friend at about half 3 in the morning. I walked to the beach on my own and I have flashbacks of me being in the sea, talking to a man and lying in the sand(why would I do this and why would I do this on my own? Was I on my own?). This is all I can remember even though I got home at 8 in the morning. So I started to think what if I done something really bad and slept with another girl, I then pictured myself doing this and because I was able to picture myself doing this it makes me think there is a high chance I have done this. I am also trying to think of why I would make up this thought in the first place, is it because I can't remember what happened and I'm worried about worst case scenario, or did I infact do this and this thought is actually a real memory. I have tried to think did I make this thought up after worrying or did I initially remember this thought because it happened. Now I have no idea what to think.

I tell myself I would never do anything like this but then I get huge doubts, like I've never had before.

I know that accepting the thought and living with uncertainty is the way to go, but how on earth can I live with the uncertainty that I might have cheated, this would be the worst thing I have ever done and to the person I care most about!

[Jedi Master Scarface]

This is OCD just trying to persuade you with false 'memories'. Ignore it, don't ruminate about this. Just carry on and forget about the night because you didn't do anything.

[Ocd dan]

But how do you know this is a false memory and that I didn't do it? I could easily have done this just as much as I might have not done this.

[Ocd dan]

It might not be false or made up and may infact be true, as now I cannot remember if I made this up or if it is a real memory

[PolarBear]

The fact you can't Rembert one way or the other points to OCD. There have been many instances of this on the forum. Almost all involve drinking. In every case there is a belief, with no evidence, that something bad happened. This is followed by severe rumination, which leads to new details emerging, filling the gaps in the story, which again are not evidence based.

You have a choice. You can believe you did something wrong and that you should be punished or you could believe that probably nothing happened and get on with your life.

Stop ruminating about this. These types of things can become all consuming.

[Sodovka]

I know that accepting the thought and living with uncertainty is the way to go, but how on earth can I live with the uncertainty that I might have cheated, this would be the worst thing I have ever done and to the person I care most about!

You can live with it, trust me. I live every day with thoughts of hurting people I love more than anything in the world. Of course I hate the thoughts but where does that get me? Still stuck with OCD. Only by accepting that the worst could come true, or already has, can you move forward with your life. You have to let go of the illusion of certainty as much as possible. It's not easy, but it's one of the foundations of recovery.

[Sodovka]

I know that accepting the thought and living with uncertainty is the way to go, but how on earth can I live with the uncertainty that I might have cheated, this would be the worst thing I have ever done and to the person I care most about!

You can live with it, trust me. I live every day with thoughts of hurting people I love more than anything in the world. Of course I despise the thoughts but where does that get me? Still stuck with OCD. Only by accepting that the worst could come true, or already has, can you move forward with your life. You have to let go of the illusion of certainty as much as possible. It's not easy, but it's one of the foundations of recovery.

[Ocd dan]

Thanks guys I appreciate your time that you take to reply.

I was doing well yesterday and for the most part of today until...I let my guard down and got hoovered right back in!

I was going over it and over it trying again to convince myself I done nothing. Then I said 'i know that I cheated on my girlfriend that night'.It felt right because I was getting it off my chest and admitting to the truth and that's why I said it. I feel massively guilty for saying that and feel like it's true if I said that and felt like it was the truth at the time. Ahhhhh I hate this!

[Sodovka]

OCD Dan, it sounds like you're unable to snap out of the ruminating trap. You don't know what happened but you suspect something bad so you either agree with it (and feel guilty) or fight it (and feel terribly doubtful). The only way to start to get out is by embracing the uncertainty of it all. Try telling yourself "I don't know what happened that night. Maybe I cheated." And then leave it alone. Even today I'm having a lot of trouble leaving my obsession alone but we have to try or else we will be stuck with it forever.