I don't need advice

[Purplepiper7]

I just need to talk to someone, because I feel that I'm battling my OCD alone. I'm not saying that I wouldn't like some help, but there isn't much more that anyone can do. I'm frustrated because I know exactly how to get myself out of this predicament, and yet I remain unable to do so. I do my very best to resist all compulsions, both mental and physical, but there's always at least one that gets me by the end of the day (and there are usually more). There's no way to gradually stop responding to intrusive thoughts - I've learned the hard way that it's all or nothing. If I give anything, no matter how seemingly insignificant, then it's "game over." I get distracted easily, so I often get rid of intrusive thoughts that way, but they always come back. In an instant without warning, I begin to doubt any and every thought, action, and feeling that I experience, and all that I can do is ignore it. Technically, I could "bring on" the idea that's worrying me, but that would be unwise because I'm not skilled enough to do that without stewing on said idea. It's difficult to ignore an idea (not that there was any debate about that).

[PolarBear]

Hey purple. That's the thing about ERP. You expose yourself in a controlled situation primarily to practice not performing compulsions. So you can do that (you said you could bring it on) and then practice not doing anything. This is something that takes weeks and weeks of practice to get right. You will fail in the beginning. Your mind will race and it will be off on a tangent. So you practice some more. And some more. You keep going until you begin to learn the skills necessary to push the urge to perform compulsions aside. And then you practice some more. It's no different than learning any new skill.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hey purple, really sorry to hear you're still struggling weren't you having some therapy a while back? is this something you could think about again or speak to someone about? x

[Cub]

Do you know, Piper, I feel I could have written a lot of your post myself. I am in a similar position with ruminating and I know how horrible it is and hard it is to stop.

I'm rooting for you. We'll get through this together. :hug:

C x

[Purplepiper7]

Thanks everyone. I did write a reply last night, but it was emotionally charged, and therefore erratic and nonsensical. Still, I should've been more clear in my original post, and stated that I've been working at this for years. I just can't do it, I don't know why, and there is little that infuriates me more (at the moment, at least). So is it really a matter of practice? Probably not. I blame others sometimes (silently, with my thoughts), but I know that it's my fault. This is a matter of my inability to do what I know how to do, and actually have it work. I'm uncertain abiout whether I want to participate in marching band anymore. That may seem shocking, considering the fact that I love it so much, but it's unbelievably difficult to focus when all that I can think about is hellfire. Although I did have therapy a while back, people seem to forget that I'm still a child (not necessarily you, just in general). I can't do anything regaurding money unless my mom allows it, and since she's determined that I don't have OCD at all, I have little hope of seeing someone who will actually help me. I think it's too late now, and that I'm better off holding my breath and jumping out of mortal existence. Sometimes, I don't think that I even want to get better anymore, but that's obviously not the case because I'm sitting here speaking to you guys (and gals).

Edited June 4, 2015 by Purplepiper7

[Guest eden1616]

Perhaps that is part of the problem maybe you need more support at home from your parents/parent.

[Purplepiper7]

I know for a fact that you're correct, eden. Don't get me wrong - I'm not blaming anyone for being negligent. After all, my communication skills are lacking. I'm trying very hard to be angry at the situation, and not my mom, because I know that she's most certainly not to blame. She does the best that she can, and I know that, so I don't know why I'm so angry. Human nature, I guess, to want to put blame on something (or someone) in physical existence. Thanks eden, hope you're okay.

[Guest eden1616]

Thats ok i am having a bad month but anyway i think people forget how much family support means because I have tried to ignore that aspect and it has done nothing sometimes you need people and that is ok but perhaps you need to find the right people to keep in your life so you have have that type of support.

[Purplepiper7]

Life is anticlimactic. There's no suspense, only anticipation. I'm going to grow up, and as soon as I turn 18, I will be an adult by law, but unprepared by definition. So what then? I have fewer than two years until I waste away into the dark parts of society that many will sware don't exist. It's not that no one will care, because they will, but they won't do anything because they don't care that much. I'm the odd soul that stumbles around in the world, because the people who won't let me die, are the same ones who are unwilling to help me live. I'm the story that will never be told, and my life will be forgotten in time. I am insignificant to society as a whole, unless I make myself into someone who will always be remembered.

The world will still spin without me. It will rotate on its axis as it revolves around the sun, unphased my such a minor disturbance. Why, then, do so many people act as if my death will be the end of their existence? I'm not buying it - if they really cared that much, then someone, anyone, would've done something by now. I wouldn't do anything because I'm afraid of death (just like the majority of the population), but I still wonder. I'd be afraid of hell without spiritual obsessions to "help," but I think that God is kinder and more understanding than we give him credit for. Not that I'm condoning suicide, but I don't think that it would end in an automatic sentence to the last ring of hell (although I'm only guessing). So I guess my OCD is getting the better of me right now, but I can't end my life, because I have to confuse the world when I double major in both physics and theology. (Some people seem to be under the impression that science and religion can't coexist, for some reason.)

Edited June 8, 2015 by Purplepiper7

[Guest eden1616]

No one feels like anyone will remember them and quite franlky there are millions of people actually probably billions of people that no one will remember or think about after they are gone. I understand that stuck feeling though. It is frustrating. i often feel like i dont understand why people wont let me go when they also dont care but i think it is more of a protect the species kind of thing like an instinct to keep the spicies going not so much about the person as an individual. People are selfish and at the end of the day they moslty only care about themselves wether they deny it or not or even realise it they are. But they also have to be because you are the only one to be able to help you no one else really can. Also the need to be remembered i understand but it is silly what for why will it matter if anyone knows your name or not. No one will ever do anything to make it stop you have to do that i am not trying to be harsh but that seems to be the way it is.

[Purplepiper7]

I want to be remembered for doing something that changes the world for the better, so I do hope that people know my name. 200 years from now, I want to be a person that kids learn about in history class. It's not silly, and I'm most certainly not apologizing for it. It may not matter to you, but personally, I would love to die knowing that my life has and will continue to have a positive affect on the lives of billions of other people. Just think about that for a moment - it's an amazing feeling. That's why I can't end my life - because, with the help of God, I want to touch the world.

Now, I'm not an idiot, and I realize that no one can truly stop my OCD except for me, but I've also come to realize that I can't fight it on my own, and that I'm not going to get anywhere without the support of adults because I'm not self-sufficient. That's what irritates me. I can barely run without tripping and falling, so only God knows what would happen if I got behind the wheel of a car. I don't have any money to pay anyone to help me, and it's nearly impossible for clumsy autistic teenagers to get a job anywhere. I already know that I'm making a bunch of excuses, but frankly, I don't really care. I'm so tired of sitting here and listening as people say whatever they want to and get away with it because they're speaking to a child. So yes, the adults that won't just leave me alone do have an obligation to at least try to help because, as I said before, I am not self-sufficient!

I'm sorry, eden, my anger is not directed towards you (well, the first part is, but not the second part). I'm just angry in general and this is literally my only medium of expressing myself. So I hopw you're having a good day ... is there anything that you need to get off of your chest?

[Guest eden1616]

Oh i dont mean it is silly to want things i mean the world is going to end when the sun explodes in 4.5 billion years or a lot sooner with global warming so no one will be able to remember you then because we will be extinct. That is all also i know that people should help you but in my experience you can only rely on yourself i am not saying that is right or fair but that has been my experience. And i dont mean to say you are an idiot i just have a very pessimistic attitude right now so to me nothing matters not that is shouldn't to you. I am sorry the last 2 months have bee awful for me and i am at the end of my rope so i am a bit horrible.

[Purplepiper7]

I'm sorry that you're having a rough time, but it's really sad to hear that you feel that you can only rely on yourself - where'd you get that idea? I think that, at least in part, the earth has so many people on it because we all need each other (even if you're like me and don't always want to admit it). So what's been going on lately? Is everything okay (well, relatively, at least)? Is your family supporting you? Friends, maybe? :group:

[Guest eden1616]

I just don't really have anyone to talk to and I have been feeling horrible I can't eat or sleep my mind is constantly racing I am constantly suicidal and I have been cutting myself daily I am getting paranoid about everything I have been washing my hands so much they are cracked and bleeding I am failing school I am constantly swinging form depressed, to angry to excited, to scared, I keep having panic attacks I don't feel I control of myself and there is more but it is complicated. I get the idea that you can only trust you because that is what has happened for me.

[Guest eden1616]

well that just proved my point..........

[Guest Blackers]

You know you are not alone eden, there are a lot of people that care about you. Pain is only temporary.

Stay strong x

[Guest eden1616]

You know you are not alone eden, there are a lot of people that care about you. Pain is only temporary.

Stay strong x

Thank you but i dont believe that a lot of people care but thanks anyway. Edited June 10, 2015 by eden1616

[Guest Blackers]

I'm sorry, I would have wrote a longer and more supportive post but the fact is I'm giving up myself. I feel alone too and the urges are building. I haven't made as many friends on here as I would have liked to and it feels like everything in my life is falling apart.

I guess telling you that everything is going to be okay is therefore hypocrisy on my part but I just wanted to show you even when you feel alone there is someone there, even if its just a stranger on the internet . I don't know your situation but there are people that care about you, that's just a fact. You influence countless peoples lives everyday and you wont even be aware of it.

If you want to vent you can message me if you like. I'm a self harmer myself maybe we could discuss strategies in another post. It's up to you

[Guest eden1616]

I'm sorry, I would have wrote a longer and more supportive post but the fact is I'm giving up myself. I feel alone too and the urges are building. I haven't made as many friends on here as I would have liked to and it feels like everything in my life is falling apart.

I guess telling you that everything is going to be okay is therefore hypocrisy on my part but I just wanted to show you even when you feel alone there is someone there, even if its just a stranger on the internet . I don't know your situation but there are people that care about you, that's just a fact. You influence countless peoples lives everyday and you wont even be aware of it.

If you want to vent you can message me if you like. I'm a self harmer myself maybe we could discuss strategies in another post. It's up to you

I dont mean to imply there was anything wrong with your post i just dont believe any one cares that is me though and i am not saying it is the case for everyone. I hope you feel better soon.

[Purplepiper7]

I'm sorry, eden - I just don't know what to say or how to help. I do care, okay? I want to help, but I don't know how. I think you'd be better off speaking to Blackers.

[Guest eden1616]

I never expected anyone to "help" per say but it was more that people just start to ignore me the moment i say anything that isnt good or happy. It isn't just you it is everyone in real life as well no matter how supportive i am to everyone else no one is ever around when i need them.

[Guest Blackers]

I feel that's the same with me. I sit here sometimes refreshing the page hoping someone will reply to one of my posts. I guess it's just a perspective thing, When you look at it objectively people do care, people replied to my posts etc. You can't trust your observations when you feel so down. It just provides you with an obscured view of reality

[Guest Snuggabug]

I think its because everyone is looking for the same answers. Nobody knows how to reply because they want the same. Its so hard for all of us, we're all in the same boat. I have my good and bad days, thankfully I have my kids to keep me sane. Yesterday I woke up positive then I was at the playground with my husband and daughter and woosh anxiety for no obvious reasons just ruminating! I try to keep it to.myself because I think if I talk about it, it will remain in my head but my husband asked if I was ok yesterday and I just talked it through and I felt better. So I just need to realise that people do want to help if they can.I hope you're all good today xxxx

[Guest eden1616]

Except you have a husband to talk to i have no one. It isnt a perspective thing either it is just the truth i have looked at it from many angles and the answer comes back the same. Anway this is someone elses thread and i dont want to take over it anymore than i already have i just wanted to illustrate my point that I believe that i can only rely on me that is all.

[Guest Snuggabug]

My husband listens but that's about it. He doesn't understand a thing. We all do care about people on here, at the end of the day a life is a life. You won't get anywhere with a negative attitude. I might have a husband and three kids plus my mother and siblings but I still feel alone! Nobody has a clue how I feel most of the time and I've often said to them I feel alone. Nobody is worse off or better off on here than anybody else. If you really weren't bothered about people's opinions, you wouldn't be on here or replying. Sorry you feel the way you do but it's nobody's fault.