Please help but don't scare me...this is the worst I've ever felt

[Guest clojo]

Ok I've been posting on here for a few weeks now and my fears were originally about cheating on my boyfriend but recently they have gotten much much worse and now I am suffering do badly I don't even know if it's worth it.

I was reading a lot of other posts and now have developed this huge fear I've hurt or could hurt my neice.i feel so sick even writin that.im so terrified.ive told myself if I get to the point where I can't tell the difference between my thoughts I would have to kill myself because I can't accept that uncertainty.i would never ever ever ever hurt her but these thoughts have come rushing in.its like they've switched over night. Now I've read another post where you're referred to child services if you have these intrusions.

I am so terrified I don't know where to go or what to do.i know if I engage it's only going to get worse but I can't help it.its the most discusting terrifying thought I could ever have and I don't see how I can live with this.

Please help me but don't scare me.ive been avoiding the forum for the fear of getting more thoughts but I don't know where else to turn.

[Guest TheWorrier008]

It sounds like you have moved from one obsession to another which is common from what I've read. Just label it as OCD and distract yourself. As soon as it enters your mind say "OCD" and then continue on. I know how you feel. I'm still struggling with mine. Everyone says I didn't do what I'm scared of but in my mind it made a scenario that makes it seem so real and made it so nobody noticed it. That way it leaves the potential of the event actually happening. I'll always be uncertain. I'm sure you didn't do anything to your niece. You are revolted by the idea.

[Guest PaulM]

Hi clojo,

I agree that it seems your OCD has moved from one obsession to another. This is something OCD does.

Remember that being scared is a feeling. The feelings comes from the thoughts. But the thoughts are not reality. One of the things my therapist has reinforced is my thoughts are not reality.

The feelings are real, no question, but they are caused by thoughts that are not reality. So, knowing that, OCD is the cause.

Are you seeing a doctor or having any CBT at the moment?

Paul

[ohdear]

In my experience that's how OCD gets you. It focuses on one thing and then adds more concerns to it. Just like a bully picking on you at school about your glasses or trainers, if they find they get away with it, he/she then goes on to tease you about anything else they can think of.

OCD is in fact often likened to a bully, I don't say it's easy to combat, I'm getting better but it is not a thing you can cure overnight. Just try to see it for what it is preying on your fears and trying to worry you about new things.

Good luck I do hope this helps in some way,

Best wishes,

ohdear

[Guest clojo]

Thanks both.i just don't know where else to turn with this,it really is the lowest I've ever been and I feel like I'm living in a mental hell.

I am trying so hard to tell myself that they're just thoughts but because they are so terrifying it's really really hard.

I've given up with Drs.last time I had a big flare up they just put me in clonazepam for a week,then took me off and sent me on my way.

I have started having CBT this Monday.the therapist has told me I need to practice mindfulness but I feel so guilty about these thoughts that I don't feel like I deserve to get better. I can't cope with them at all.trying to get on with daily life is becoming so hard.

Thanks for your help.i will try and distract myself

[Guest clojo]

Thanks all I mean

[PolarBear]

OCD thoughts are not intentions.

Yes they can be scary but you have to face them. You have to recognize that they are OCD thoughts and work hard to not engage with the thoughts through compulsions.

[Guest clojo]

I know you are right polar.but I just feel like if this one gets out of control I couldn't go on.its so hard not to engage because my compulsions are mainly checking my memory and I do this without even realising.ive been trying mindfulness but I feel so guilty I don't see why I should be allowed to get better.just so lost.

[PolarBear]

You have to realize that these thoughts are not yours. You didn't dream them up. You didn't ask for them to be there. They are intrusive. They are being caused by a mental disorder that pops them into your head even though you don't want them. You are not in control of those thoughts.

This isn't about you being a good person or a bad person. You have a mental disorder and it is in charge of the intrusive thoughts. Your job is to get better despite having these intrusive thoughts.

[Guest clojo]

I get so worried about the next thought I seem to put it in my head myself and that makes me feel so bad because then I think it comes from me.

I want to be better so badly

[Imhotep]

You will get better, you need time and patience, unfortunately OCD works against these two. Thoughts about you not getting better are nonsense from the OCD, trying to keep control of you.

I get that as well, about putting the thought into your head. That's checking, a symptom of compulsions, to see how you react to that thought, even though you've already reacted to it many many times over with the same reaction. Try not reacting to them and see how you feel.

As a suggestion, write down how you perceive yourself. Be honest and truthful. Now see what the OCD is saying. Do those two beliefs match up? It will be unlikely that they do, so punishing yourself is not worth it. We make mistakes, and your mistake was to give this thought attention it did not deserve. I am guilty of this too, as are so many other people because of our faulty belief systems, craving instant relief.

Edited September 17, 2014 by Imhotep

[Guest mynameisbrian]

clojo, if you want to get better, stop reassuring yourself. Right now it probably feels like you're a terrible person, and your life is over, but you have to stop analyzing these thoughts. You can't fear them.. you have to expose yourself to them. Let yourself feel the anxiety, and don't force the thoughts out of your mind, but don't follow through with the urge to analyze them.

[Guest Soldiering on]

Ok I've been posting on here for a few weeks now and my fears were originally about cheating on my boyfriend but recently they have gotten much much worse and now I am suffering do badly I don't even know if it's worth it.

I was reading a lot of other posts and now have developed this huge fear I've hurt or could hurt my neice.i feel so sick even writin that.im so terrified.ive told myself if I get to the point where I can't tell the difference between my thoughts I would have to kill myself because I can't accept that uncertainty.i would never ever ever ever hurt her but these thoughts have come rushing in.its like they've switched over night. Now I've read another post where you're referred to child services if you have these intrusions.

I am so terrified I don't know where to go or what to do.i know if I engage it's only going to get worse but I can't help it.its the most discusting terrifying thought I could ever have and I don't see how I can live with this.

Please help me but don't scare me.ive been avoiding the forum for the fear of getting more thoughts but I don't know where else to turn.

The anxiety is at it's rawest because OCD has only just discovered this new absurd and impossible scenario to beat you over the head with.

It may attempt to start all sorts of rumination and threads, usually a permutation of 'but this will become more than OCD' ('nuh, it won't.. grow up')

and 'Oh did you feel THAT bodily sensation' ('yes it's called an anxiety/adrenaline pang OCD, but you can call it what you want, you stupid chemical imbalance.')

It's clearly all or nothing thinking going on and a lot of catastrophising i.e If I can't tell the difference between the thoughts I'll kill myself.

That's a scenario dreamed up by the OCD. After ten years of battling agoraphobia inducing intrusive thoughts, I can honestly say there's never

been a point where the intrusive thoughts have become 'me' or replaced my intentions. It just doesn't happen.

[Guest Soldiering on]

The absolute long and short of it - even a non-sufferer may have a mildly anxious thought such as this.

But in our heads we don't process the chemical response very well - we let our limbic system dictate a ridiculous threat
level to us and this essentially reinforces the irrational thought. Once in a state of fear, the OCD thrives.

The only outcome OCD derive from this is to make your a fearful and anxious person and one who begins avoiding situations.
It can't influence your actions or change your actual feelings towards a loved one.

[Guest OCD-in-ireland]

HI Clojo,

Im so sorry tho hear that you are struggling at the moment. I understand the absolute torment that you are feeling right now. Please do not lose hope. I was in a very low point 2 months ago but I have improved greatly ( I hope that it will continue). I know it it may seem like an impossibility but please believe in the therapy and in a happy future for yourself.

A few weeks ago I posted a topic about my steps towards recovery, highlighting the things that have helped me in the past few months (Which have been the most difficult of my life). You can find it in last topics from my profile, I think it was called 'Today I am going home from hospital (For good) - Positive Recovery Post'. I hope some of it may be applicable to you.

Keep fighting and soon you will see the truth.

OCD-in-Ireland

[Guest clojo]

Thank you all for your supportive posts so much. I was so scared about writing about this and I get really influenced by other peoples posts on the topic so its been hard for me to read through other posts.

I will try not to lose hope. I feel like I don't know what to do for the best. I keep doing all the things I know I shouldn't, checking my memory, avoiding situations, replacing bad thoughts with good ones, seeking reassurance etc. I know I shouldn't but I just have so little control at the moment. How do I try and remember who I really am without doing these things?

Im frightened. Im so scared this will get out of control. I am trying to carry on with working (I support people with mental health issues) but I'm so desperate for this to stop. I know no one wants to feel like this and I feel for everyone else too and thats why I am so grateful of support.

OCD-in-Ireland I will read your post. I'm so gald you are feeling better.

Thank you again everyone

Why does this have to happen. I know I sound defeatist.

[Imhotep]

How do you remember yourself? Arguably you shouldn't, from what I've read from therapy based articles. Personally, I've been in a room with my parents (who I love dearly) and thought about going mental, losing control ON PURPOSE and 'harming' them with various 'weapons'. Guess what happened: zilch. A bit more anxiety, then it subsided and I felt better after 5 minutes.

Of course this isn't for everyone, and it is purposefully uncomfortable. You do know what's for the best for yourself and others, you have OCD 'the Doubting Disease'. Do what you would normally do without engaging with the thoughts. You know they'll be there, but keep doing what YOU are and want to be doing, e.g spending time with the family instead of avoidance, if that applies.

[PolarBear]

It's happening. No amount of wishing will make it go away. You'll get stuck and stay stuck unless you do the work.

[Guest clojo]

I'm so scared of that getting stuck.because if I do I couldn't cope

[PolarBear]

If you don't want to get stuck then work very hard to resist and stop your compulsions.

[Guest clojo]

Ok I'm going to try so hard.do you mean by resisting my compulsions like checking my memory,seeking reassurance,letting thoughts spiral?i know I sound stupid but I want to make sure I'm doing the right things.do I try and distract myself too?or is that bad?

[PolarBear]

Compulsions are those things you do to try and alleviate the distress caused by obsessions. They would include ruminating (over thinking things), checking, etc. Distracting yourself can be a useful thing. Basically you go on with your day. Wash the dishes, clean up, watch a movie, etc.

[Guest clojo]

Thank you everyone.this is the hardest thing I've had to deal with for sure (and when I was dealing with the fact I thought I had HIV for years I thought that it could t get worse)

I'm going to just try and get on with my day today.if a thought pops in I'm just going to try and accept it but accept it's not me it's this horrible OCD.

I think my problem is I want it to go NOW and I know that that can't happen.so I need to do everything I can to make sure the now is sooner rather than later.im trying to fight the thoughts so much instead of just letting them rest there

[Saffie]

Some great advice given. I have this fear and am convinced it's actually real and has happened. And guess what, I'm still here. You don't know how strong you can be until you have to accept uncertainty like that. It's the most difficult and horrendous thing I've ever had to do. Now I have accepted that if it is the case, there's nothing I can do to change it and I would have to accept it. I accept the uncertainty as awful as it is and consciously refuse to engage with the obsessing throughout the day as much as possible. Cut the compulsions now. Or it will spiral. You will be fine.

[Guest clojo]

I'm so terrified and only just keeping my head above water (at least I do when I'm in public)

I went to the doctor today it wasn't planned but I just don't know what to do any more.he's given me clonazepam again which I'm scared of and referred me to a psychiatrist.

Even though I've been trying so hard this all seems to have had a really negative effect on my relationship and I'm terrified my boyfriend is going to leave.how do you explain to someone you can't be close with them physically because you are ao terrified what next thought is going to come into your head

I'm not seeing much hope at the moment