Another day, another vile obsession

[Imhotep]

Hi all,

This is beginning to get very annoying. Just as I was seeing light through the clouds, I got a random intrusive thought about a photo I saw many days ago of my cousin's new-born. I hated that thought, and much to my dismay, tried to rid the thought (old habits die hard).

Anyway, onto today, and again I'm avoiding the thought, just trying to get on with my day, when I get the most depraved, gross, absurd image I believe I've ever had, of a paedophillic nature. At this point, I'm actually screaming 'No!' as I know this image will be stuck in my head, I now worry I will somehow find this arousing with constant exposure (pretty sure I won't), but if I do get aroused inadvertently, then OCD wins and is proved correct.

Sure enough it's been 6 hours, and although my anxiety has decreased, the thought image is just so repulsive I find myself fidgeting when the thought pops up, as absurd as it is, every couple of minutes. Also the thoughts of "what kind of sick person has these thoughts?" are appearing and I'm just struggling. I'm aware it's a phase, it will pass. I'm finding it hard to accept this thought, I suppose the more exposure I give it the less it affects me.

Edited September 17, 2014 by Imhotep

[PolarBear]

Just watch your compulsions. They seethe their way in sneakily. You may not even realize you are performing compulsions. Watch out for them, know when you are performing them and resist, resist, resist.

[Guest mynameisbrian]

No, if you get aroused, then it's normal human nature. OCD doesn't "win". Because of sexual association, a person can associate something non-sexual with a sexual thought. A child's body can remind you of an adult's body, and give you sexual feelings. It doesn't mean you're a pedophile. A normal person would see this as a silly/stupid thought, but a person with OCD applies meaning to these thoughts, even though we shouldn't.

Anyways. Stay conscious of your compulsions, don't reassure yourself, and don't try to force the thoughts out of your head. Just let them stay there and do something you enjoy. Listen to music, watch TV, whatever. If something reminds you of it, you will probably get anxiety. Just let yourself feel the anxiety and don't reassure yourself, etc.

[Imhotep]

All good advice, thank you, as I say old habits die hard when it comes to analyzing thoughts, especially disturbing, bizarre and untruthful ones.

[Imhotep]

Aaaaand its happened again. PolarBear you are right, these compulsions can be damn tricky to stay clear from. Anyway today I've moved onto another layer of depravity, one that is difficult to shift. I am trying to let the thoughts go and carry on with things, but I genuinely am sickened that I could have come up with this, even if it was a compulsion of sorts.

Like, for some reason, I feel the need to test my resolve against this by making my thoughts worse. So I would have a bad thought, and overcome that, then OCD pipes up : "What about adding more and more revulsion? Can you cope now?" It's really unhelpful, and I don't know why I do this to myself. Some sort of morbid curiosity/compulsion of sorts. I have this fear that I won't be able to open up to people that can help about it because it's so taboo.

What I should take from this is that it's OCD, regardless of thought content. From the mundane counting of numbers, to the horrific thoughts in my head, it's still the same distressing beast. I feel better physically but my thoughts have got worse and more revolting, I take it as a sign that I'm beating this piece of work.

Edited September 19, 2014 by Imhotep