Disappointed in myself that I'm back x

[Guest Saz]

I will start by being totally honest and say I have been checking in evey now and then (only more so recently) to read over one or two posts. I know I haven't been off for ages but still I have had a little break.

Ok, so this is where I'm at...

The image and intrusive thought I had has faded (mainly the image) and is only worse/causes major anxiety when I actively think about it (obviously I know I should not actively think about it and you will tell me this). However the doubt and anxiety and worry still linger on and cause me to feel very down and panicky sometimes because to me it still seems a very real memory and not a false one.

I've been monitoring my intrusive thoughts about other things and can clearly recognise when I get them and am able to dismiss them pretty much straight away. How come it is that I cannot dismiss this one that I've had for so long if all it is is simply an intrusive thought? Why don't I know the difference in this one?

I can definitely say I have ocd now but to me it really feels like ocd about a 'real' thing. I don't know what to do about this, well I do but I'm not sure its working. X

[Binxy]

Hi Saz,

Nice to hear from you; sorry that it's not under better circumstances. I think the simple answer to this is that it's because of the amount of thinking about it that you did before. I certainly know that it's a problem I have and it can be very depressing. I think you know the solution- you have to try and let it go. It's hard though.

Hope you feel better soon.

Binx

[Binxy]

... And don't beat yourself up. We all need a bit of support sometimes and this is the best place for it.

[Guest lizinlondon]

I have that, some thoughts I deal with quickly and others go on for ages. We have to keep using CBT and mindfulness to deal with this no matter how real it feels. That is the evil trick of OCD it makes a thought seem real. Try to keep ignoring the thought no matter how often it keeps coming. The key is to not react to or engage with the thought, even thinking about it is a form of engaging with it. Try to leave it sit in your mind without reacting. I know this is painful, but remember it is OCD exaggerating the risk.

[PolarBear]

Hey Saz.

You can actively think about the intrusive thought, actually. That's called exposure. The trick is to then leave the thought alone. Don't resist it. Don't analyze it and try to figure out whether it was real or not. Before you go actively thinking about the thought you need to be prepared to put into practice what i said.

As for why you don't have the clarity with this intrusive thought like you do with others, how long did have you had this thought and how long have you been trying to figure this out? Two years? You've only been actively working on the problem for a few months. Give yourself a break. You're doing okay. Really, you are.

[Guest Saz]

Thank you all for your kind replies.

Just going to bed now but I will reply properly in the morning. Hope your all well. x

[dksea]

As others have mentioned, the unfortunate nature of OCD is that some thoughts/worries hit us harder than others. I know that I have a small set of worries that are more intense than others, fears that have stuck with me longer or been more intense, and yup, when my OCD flares up those are usually the thoughts that start bothering me first. Part of that is how our brains work in general, the more emphasis you put on something, the more it tends to stick with you. It can be in a positive way, like memorizing a favorite song, or being able to recite lines from your favorite movie. Or it can be negative, like a bad habit, or for OCD sufferers a specific worry. Keep at it though and just like stopping a bad habit you can overcome an OCD fear.

[Guest Gale1982]

I was hoping to congratulate you on your one thousandth post, I see I'm sixteen too late

This is probably awful but I remember a quote by Jack Nicholson - "the best way to kick a dirty habit is to start a new one". To be fair, this could be anything, perhaps as dksea has suggested.

You seem to be doing really well, Saz. Stick with it x

Edited September 27, 2014 by Gale1982

[taurean]

No one said it was easy to manage OCD Saz - all of us on here have our own flavours of the thing - plus in my case dysfunctional thinking too - that we have to manage.

If we knew all the answers to the "whys" it would be great, but perhaps the particular issue of false memory does seem - from reading others' posts - to be a more persistent form of OCD than some other types of intrusions, maybe that is the answer in your case.

I especially remember what Gingerbreadgirl said, in that she managed over a period of time to get control of her false memory OCD by totalling buying into it being OCD and keeping applying distractions without interracting. As PolarBear said, you really have got to be patient but persistent in your determination on this.- your period of tackling it seems long to you but not to us - remember, you are looking to retrain your brain circuitry behaviourally - and you just have to keep at it.

Also remember, the informed opinion is that OCD forms in the frontal lobes of the brain through biochemical imbalance leading to neurological blips and breakdown in communication in the resolution of thoughts, triggering the falsehoods that appear so real either in thought or visual . I certainly know all about this from my own personal problems.

[mummyoftwogirls]

Saz you are doing so well :-) I was only declaring the other day how much i had cut compulsions and i was doing much better still had some doubt and didn't fell a rush of 'clarity' but was feeling better. Im feeling pretty bad again now, one because of a post that triggered me, two im due on and three i believe i have a difficult and more persistent form of OCD because this time my ocd wasn't 'just a thought' it was a thought and obsession that derived from a very real and still unsolved situation. But my ocd gripped onto it and added the worst possible outcome. :-( im not sure i can ever fully recover from this one as it has a much larger amount of uncertainty than any other OCd i have ever had. in my heart i believe the worst possible outcome would never happen/had happened. i think i am overestimating danger and the fact i will NEVER get an answer to what happened leaves this gaping hole for ocd to swim around in . does that make sense? to be fair i think of gone of tangent sorry xx

[taurean]

Saz you are doing so well :-) I was only declaring the other day how much i had cut compulsions and i was doing much better still had some doubt and didn't fell a rush of 'clarity' but was feeling better. Im feeling pretty bad again now, one because of a post that triggered me, two im due on and three i believe i have a difficult and more persistent form of OCD because this time my ocd wasn't 'just a thought' it was a thought and obsession that derived from a very real and still unsolved situation. But my ocd gripped onto it and added the worst possible outcome. :-( im not sure i can ever fully recover from this one as it has a much larger amount of uncertainty than any other OCd i have ever had. in my heart i believe the worst possible outcome would never happen/had happened. i think i am overestimating danger and the fact i will NEVER get an answer to what happened leaves this gaping hole for ocd to swim around in . does that make sense? to be fair i think of gone of tangent sorry xx

Maybe you need a separate post for people to guide you with that one mummy. Certainly all the elements of OCD seem to be present and correct in it .

[mummyoftwogirls]

Taureen im too emotionally drained from it all and for those that dont already know my situation i cant go over it all again its too hurtful and will shock people. basically something awful happened with my daughter three years ago and we never ever got to the bottom with it . Everyone else has moved on and tells me its clear to see that wherever it came from it was non sinister and im not going to find out and i wont. My kids are so happy and care free but it let me doubting the person closest to me because i didnt hae an answer. I think first part not ocd second part ocd

[mummyoftwogirls]

or maybe as ashley said on another post maybe im one of those ones where my problem isnt ocd, maybe im using ocd as a smoke screen

Edited September 27, 2014 by mummyoftwogirls

[taurean]

Since other people are involved and don't see it as a problem, you need to take that position too - that would appear to be the targeet to aim for.

Now i know you know a lot about OCD, So you have to see the doubts and uncertainties of OCD for what they are, put this thing aside and get yourself and your thoughts and feelings back together. Whenever it pops into your head, consciously just note it then apply distraction.

Remember, the search for certainty is futile. a guy e came on recently with a false memory of maybe being unfaithful at a do. theasked everyone there, including all the ladies, if he had and everybody said no. he then told his girlfriend anbout it, and she told him not to worry.

But then he had a short vision of him in a cubicle with a girl............... that would of course appear to be OCD using one method of challenging cetainty! We have told him this My point being even if certainty can be found, OCD will then still likely create a doubt - so the only game in town is really acceptance and distraction until the OCD gives up and the thoughts begin to fade..

[Guest lizinlondon]

If your kids are happy, then let it go. Don't let the doubt of OCD wind you up. I find OCD is worse when I am tired or am due on. So now is the time.more than ever to not be.hard on yourself and don't ruminate. Try to do something relaxing.

[mummyoftwogirls]

thank yo for your kind words xx

[Guest Saz]

Thanks for the replies. Over 1000 posts, hmmm im not proud of that, infact it makes me feel terrible and pathetic but at least there are some posts in heer where ive tried to help others. This sounds bad but I didn't reply sooner because I felt ok and didn't feel I needed to-so for me I guess that's a good thing.

I still felt ok but been triggered I think by something someone has said to another member (with a similar theme to me). The other member have worries of cheating but mainly just thoughts about it, someone has said in so many words that presumably they would have knowledge or memories. ...mass panic because I do have what I think are memories or images, what does this mean?

Its my own fault for reading the thread (nobody elses) but it's worried me now.

Also I'm worried about when to recognise real cause for concern. For me drinking alcohol at a real event/being spiked etc (I don't know that I was but what if i was and it made me act crazy and do so wrong). This is my problem, obsessing but over a real thing/a real memory? I Can't tell.

I realise im going over old ground here so im truly sorry. x

[gingerbreadgirl]

I do have what I think are memories or images, what does this mean?

Ruminating keeps the obsession alive, keeps you stuck, keeps you feeling horrible and anxious. As long as you keep trying to work it all out, you will still feel like this - it's as simple as that. You can't bring yourself to break away from what your brain is telling you and really commit to what we're advising. Until you do that, this awful anxiety will continue.

obsessing but over a real thing/a real memory? I Can't tell.

Maybe, maybe not. As long as you keep trying to work it out, to get certainty, to 'figure it out' you'll stay stuck.

It's feeding a fire. You keep chucking logs on it and wondering why it doesn't go out x

[Guest Sally44]

I know my son has different OCD obsessons. Some are long term and persistent. Others come and go, and then get replaced with someone else. But OVERALL, I think his anxiety is less than it was 6 months ago. So moving in the right direction.

[Guest Saz]

I feel like I really do try. I just got worried because I have images too, so when I read that I got a rush of anxiety, im sure you understand x

[taurean]

I feel like I really do try. I just got worried because I have images too, so when I read that I got a rush of anxiety, im sure you understand x

We can all get spooked (i prefer that word) by things all around us as well as on the forum - that is very much a problem for me too.

But we have to do what my worry book by Dale Carnegie says - we have to be able to accept the inevitable. We can' t stop ourselves being comfronted with things, but we can control our response to them. We cannot stop the waves but we can learn to surf as Jon Kabat-Zin says.I am working on this again at the moment.

Gingerbreadgirl remains right as we all are Sarah. Until you can really take on board that you must be patient, expect intrusions and visuals , recognise them for what they are and lay them aside - without the need for re-assurance from here - then progress will founder..

Remember what I said about St Augustine when asked for proof of the christian faith; he said that the proof only comes to those who believe.

Now Gingerbreadgirl knows it and has done it with false memory - let's say 3 cheers for her patience and persistence. Now if our friend gingerbreadgirl can do it, so can you.

If anything spooks you, just note it don't respond and go back onto the correct path.

[Guest Saz]

I know Roy your so kind as is my little friend gingerbread girl.

Thank you for being patient with me, that goes for everyone. X

[gingerbreadgirl]

Now Gingerbreadgirl knows it and has done it with false memory - let's say 3 cheers for her patience and persistence. Now if our friend gingerbreadgirl can do it, so can you.

Thank you Roy But It took me a looooong time to get to the point when I was able to do that - I wasted a huge amount of time doing compulsions til I was blue in the face, desperate for reassurance and going to extraordinary means to get it. I wish SOOO much that I had really got to grips with stopping my compulsions a long time ago, instead of wasting all that time stuck in a cycle of despair.

Saz, I really really hope you choose the path of zero tolerance to ALL your compulsions. What you are experiencing is absolutely NOTHING to do with what did or didn't happen that night - it is everything to do with a mental health condition you're currently suffering from but can be treated. We're all urging you to take the path of treatment, not the path of your compulsions. You can do it xx

[Guest legend]

I have been faciltating ocd talks on twitter , and of the responses that struck home was this

" checking memories is deceptive as it can create new ones in my experience "

Very true.

[Guest Saz]

Thanks for the encouragement. x