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Morphing from real to intrusive on and on


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Ive just about given up,i have very little will left

Im diagnozed,on sertraline,practice mindfullnes and acceptance through meditation,do my best to practice 4 steps but still caught in this cycle

You see my earliest memorys are fear of death and germs then as i got older i spent most of my twentys with sevear pocd,was seen by many proffesionals

The things locking me in now are different,polar bear has beenvgreat at explaining these are still intrusive but im in constant disbeleave as it was created by me

It all comes down to my active sexual imageination,nothing illigle but definatley taboo

Id never had a problem with fantasys but for the past few years different ones take there turn at destroying me,i dont fantasize any more as i know it will come back

Sorry if this makes me sound sick and maby i shouldnt be shareing but i need to talk,sorry if your offended

These fantasys have happened when my partner and i,s relationsgip was going through a sexless stage

Can i just add ,im commited to my better half,shes open minded and none of these fantasies i would want in real life as ironic as that sounds

I once fantasized about my wife drunk haveing a threesome,this makes me feel awful,i couldnt bear it for real

I used to go out with a women many many years ago,she had a young daughter,although she stayed with her nan so i wasnt a stepdad,i saw her years later and she had gtown into a good looking twentysomething year old,to my shame i fantasized about her,this makes me sick as although shes now an adult a nasty voice keeps telling me because i new her many years before i must be vile to do this,and it does sound creepy

I fansized about my partners sister,wich i confessed about,nearly destryed my relationship and ended up in hospitol for it.

In my nonstop googling,most places say everyone has secret taboo fantasies

Me and my partners sex life has incresed tenfold scince our chidren have grown older

But these things each take there place to consume me with scucidle guilt,i fell vile,locked in,and i dont think i can carry on much longer

I am a good man although it doesnt sound it,but i feel ive betrayed all that love me by letting my brain enjoy these things in sexless spels

Im resisting googlind and i wont confess as it will help knowone but there is such a pull to confess,i know my partner wouldnt leave me but it wouldnt help us

Theres nothing more i can do but end it,or confess

Help me pleasr

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U hang in there, battlethrough. And go to a hospital soon because you don't sound well at all. By that I mean your OCD, not your fantasies. Remember, all of these problems are just mental images that have never hurt anyone (except you, now). Fantasies are completely safe and I will never judge anyone for their content, as I know what my own look like. Take care and stay in touch.

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I know it's terrible. So is mine at times. But I've had some good times recently by focusing on the sensations in my body--NOT what's going on in my head. The feelings aren't good but if I just let them be, they don't bother me so much. I hope this helps at least a little.

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Hey battlethrough,

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time. I know how painful it can be.

I'll try and share some thoughts with you:

You've done the googling (probably knowing that you shouldn't have) -- what has that shown you? You learned from googling and have heard over and over that people have all kinds of fantasies that they wouldn't necessarily want to happen in real life. What does that information tell you?

You know that this sorft of sexual guilt is quite common in OCD and lots of people here struggle with it. What are you going to do with the information that what you're experiencing is a very common part of a disorder that you suffer from?

In my experience, OCD is great at disrupting our sense of self. We start identifying with our thoughts and deriving our moral value from them. People who have never wanted to hurt anyone go desperate thinking they might become serial killers because of their thoughts. People who have always had a clear understanding of the difference between fantasy and reality suddenly worry that their fantasies say something about who they are about a person. Both are irrational ways of thinking. We are not our thoughts. Thoughts have no consequence, they don't cause harm, they don't hurt people. People don't apologise for having thoughts. Firstly, because then we wouldn't get anything done, we would just be apologizing all the time, and secondly, because they are so unimportant.

Someone once told me that to them the proof that there must be a God lies in the fact that we can't hear each other thinking and while I'm not religious, I absolutely agree with the sentiment there.

As someone with OCD you're wired to scan for thoughts that you consider inappropriate, giving them importance as to what they say about you and trying to resolve the seeming disparity between your "bad" thought and your "moral" self. That's a trap, it won't work, and it's the cycle you have to break. I understand how difficult it is but you really have to move on.

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battlethrough, no doubt your current problem, which is the same as the problem you've had before, is that you are performing compulsions around the thoughts you are having. It is perfectly normal to have fantasises. The problem there is that you are bothered by the thought of having those fantasies. Most people have a fantasy then forget about it and get on with their life. Your OCD has latched onto the concept of the fantasies you've had, turned them into something bad. That makes you feel guilty. You make it so much worse by performing compulsions and fixating on the situation. You are your own worse enemy.

You must stay away from Googling anything to do with fantasizing. You must completely stay away from that compulsion. You know you should not confess. When you get the urge to do so you put your foot down and do not allow yourself to dwell on the concept of confessing. In addition, just start accepting the thoughts. When the thought pops into your head that you were bad for a fantasy, just let it go. Say to yourself, "Maybe it was a bad thing," and get on with your day. Don't react to it. Leave it alone and go do something. The less you react to the thoughts the better. Doing absolutely nothing is best.

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But i truly beleave these fantasys are abnormal,especialy the exs older daughter,my brain wont let it go,it keeps saying i fantasized about my stepdaughter,but it wasnt like that but thats how it sounds

Im trying so hard to beleave this is ocd and im not just a guilty creep

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You have to stop asking questions like the one you just wrote. That's ruminating and it's keeping you stuck. You are obviously going over things in your mind and analyzing what they say about you as a person. It's all compulsions and they are making your situation worse.

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The urge to confess these fantasys is becomeing overwealming

I know it wont solve anything but i keep haveing real panicky moments

Its as if if i dont tell heri feel like shes with a man she doesnt realy know

I am very tired today and i stupidly drank last night just to shut it out,does anyone else suffer more when tires

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You're not going to get any of us to tell you to go ahead and confess. We know you are dealing with OCD and confessing us a compulsion.

Clearly you remain thinking about this a great deal. That's a compulsion and you really need to work on resisting it.

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