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Advice for somebody dating someone with OCD


Guest Tricot4

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Guest Tricot4

Hello, me and my boyfriend have been going out for over a year and he has OCD with intrusive thoughts. The relationship is great and we have a lot of fun. However often his OCD can cause tension between us. Sometimes we can't do certain things or go certain places, we can't sit down together for too long before he has to perform a ritual, he often can't concentrate on our conversation because of the thoughts.

He is very open with his OCD and I feel that I know quite a lot about it and try to accommodate him wherever possible. However sometimes I find it difficult to cope with being around him and this often puts strain on our relationship. I feel that I always have to be the one who is strong and dependable. Plans get cancelled because of stubborn intrusive thoughts, we are often late because of rituals. I feel that I can't voice my problems to him, because that would be unfair on him. I sometimes feel alone with trying to deal with this.

I would really appreciate some advice from people in a similar situation. Sorry if I sound quite vague, but as most of you probably know these sorts of things are difficult to describe.

I hope I do not sound ungrateful or cold, I know I can never understand what it is like to have OCD. I also understand that there are a lot of people in a much more difficult situation and we are fortunate to have a happy and healthy relationship. But when I see my boyfriend suffer in front of me and all I can do is feel hopeless and just look on from the sideline it can really have an effect. So if anyone has any advice that would be really appreciated.

Thank you.

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Welcome to the forum, tricot.

It is difficult living with OCD -- both for the sufferer and those around him. It isn't easy to be with an OCD sufferer who performs overt rituals.

One thing you should be aware of is that it is counterproductive to help your boyfriend with his compulsions. We have learned over time that compulsions reinforce obsessions. It's paying attention to the obsessions, guaranteeing they will come back strong and often in the future. It is a bad idea for others to get involved in compulsions. That's something you may want to bring up.

The other thing is that OCD is treatable. It's hard work, but people can overcome OCD. That's something else you should bring up to your boyfriend and see if he is open to getting help for his disorder. There are medications that can help and there is a tried and true therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that does well for OCD sufferers.

If you have any further questions, don't hesitate to ask.

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Guest Orwell1984

But don't become the OCD police on him! This will make tensions worse and he may think you are attributing blame to him or have pitted yourself against him. Also, don't treat everything he says as OCD. Even though he may ask the same questions over and over or do the same rituals over and over, the same person with the same likes, hobbies etc is there. Never treat him like all his behaviours and opinions are OCD. The things that are OCD though include the copious questions he may ask you for example to check something or reassure him that ___ is ok or safe or whatever, just say to him 'we need to take the risk that it's not ___ to help your OCD' or 'OCD wants you to answer that question so we're not going to answer it', or 'see if we can wait 5 mins before we answer the question' (try and up the time delay over a period of time). If he writes down what his compulsions are, you could both work as a team on cutting them out one at a time but onus has to be on him. He decides and you help. There will be setbacks and it is particularly hard at stressful times, for example leaving the house to go on holiday, having Christmas guests and activity, even having the Christmas lights up (worries they may set something on fire). In all circumstances do not reassure your partner that their fear is not going to happen but say that OCD is causing them to overestimate the risk. Also, if you get the book 'Brainlock' by Jeffrey Schwartz and both of you read it, this will be very helpful for your partner's recovery. Best of luck and happy Christmas!

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  • 5 months later...
Guest Sally44

We have a teenage son with OCD. We are having some therapy for it. We have been told that we should not "accommodate" OCD. By that I mean make things easier, join in, change things etc. And that is because when you make changes to 'help', what that actually does is confirm that the OCD thought/fear was valid, and that makes the OCD stronger.

Yes you can try to make things easier. But the point of view should always be "OCD is telling you to do that, it is an OCD thought, that feeling will pass." And encourage the person to make small steps to live with the anxiety/uncertainty.

For example: my son will frequently ask me what a 'mark' or 'smudge' on something is. He has contamination OCD and he thinks these marks are urine or faeces. When he asks me what it is [for reassurance], I simply tell him that I am now going to answer that question. And I will ask him 'why' am I not answering it. And he will reply "because it is an OCD thought." So he has to live with the uncertainty. Sometimes he will overcome that 'fear' to get something he wants. Sometimes he cannot.

Another example: he finds it very hard to take a towel into the bathroom to use after a bath. Ironically the bathroom is both the place you clean yourself, and where you can get contaminated. We have said it is unacceptable for a teenager to have a bath and then walk naked to his bedroom. He won't take a towel into the bathroom. But he will allow us to put a towel in the bathroom where he can use it. So that is what we do. We are working on him taking the towel into the bathroom himself.

Our son has periods when his OCD is lower, and at those times we can make some progress. At the moment it is quite bad and so we are just being supportive and understanding, whilst not putting pressure on him, but also not accommodating OCD. But it is hard. He is having intrusive thoughts that require him to pray, and they are coming so often that they interrupt his other OCD rituals eg. hand washing.

Most of all with OCD you have to be positive. There was a time when that person did not have OCD, and so being OCD free is possible. I also think that exercise is good. And I think the person with OCD has to find things that they enjoy and especially things that make them laugh. Combined these things can start an upward spiral of progress, rather than a downward spiral.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest createself

First of all, make sure he understands how difficult OCD is for you. Not just tell him but show him. Make him realize so he puts in a conscious effort to treat the ocd. Make him read all about ocd. take out the things that are relevant to what he does and make him read it and understand exactly when it is ocd that is talking instead of him. When he repeats something, gently tell him "honey, you're doing it again. Breathe, relax, ignore." Every time he starts doing a ritual, go to him, squeeze his hand or hug him or give him a kiss and take him out of the room or lead him out or involve him in some activity. If he insists on completing his rituals or shouts at you, don't get mad at him. Simply act as if you really need him. Pretend you hurt your knee or that everything fell out of your hand or pick up a box and yell honey honey i can't hold it. Could you get it now. I might drop it! Hurry! You get the gist. Point being, just involve him in some activity. Once the activity is done, he'll go back to his rituals. Your main motive is that you have to delay his response to his intrusive thoughts. Start by delaying it for a minute, then 10 then 30 then an hour, then 2 and slowly, he'll stop following the rituals.

See understand this, the force of acting on the compulsions is more immediately after you have an intrusive thought that triggers anxiety within you. You delay that response, the effect of anxiety reduces till you almost forget you had to perform the ritual. create distraction every time he starts to do a ritual. make him feel guilty, by making him SELF-REALIZE AND NOT SAYING IT!, that he has to help you first rather than complete his ritual. Do that and slowly his OCD will subside to the point that he can make control his mind and fight with OCD himself.

Also, everyday, meditate with him. Mindful meditation. Make him just focus on inhaling and exhaling and letting his thoughts just flow and not give them a thought. It's important that he neither answers nor avoids his thoughts. But that he ignores them. Read as much on google as you can and make him read the relevant information.

Edited by createself
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