Found a nice guy but questioning everything.

[Guest poz28]

I have not written on here for a long time but I am in need of some advice and all forms would be very welcomed.

I have basically I believe suffered with ocd for many years and got diagnosed a few years back with having intrusive thoughts and most of it has always been based around feelings and not feeling normal and questioning my feelings.

From a young age I would always have to write notes and letters to my parents regarding my problems and worries.

I can remember feeling like I was gay from around 12/13 and having to write it down to let my mum know for example.

Whenever there was a holiday or Christmas time I would have to write down my worries to 'get it off my chest' before I felt I could enjoy myself.

This went on through my teenage years and my parents advice used to be enough reassurance for me to not worry and for me to relax and try and enjoy myself.

I am now 33 and hate labels but would say I am Gay as I am normally only attracted to men.

I have never had a proper relationship with a guy and have only ever had one night stands or the longest 2 months dating.

6 weeks ago I met a guy off a dating site and we met up and went on a date . Afterwards I was so happy and felt like I had connected with someone who I felt comfortable to be around and spend time with and who also ticked all the boxes regarding the type of guy I go for .

We dated for a week before we were intimate but since then I have been questioning everything which has triggered my ocd off on this.

Like I said it is now 6 weeks since we met and we are now boyfriends, however my anxiety and questioning feels like its through the roof .

He is such a lovely guy and totally gets me which I have never experienced before. We have the same interests and laugh at the same things and really connect on that level and I feel comfortable around him but my doubts and questioning are starting to creep in and part of me is questioning that maybe I should finish with him because he is so lovely and really into me and that is making me question my own feelings.

I constantly have going round my head 'do you find him attractive? do u fancy him? your leading him on ! its not fair to him !' and I just feel guilty and anxious.

Part of me feels just end it like I always have with past dating so the worries will go away, but I don't want to end up alone.

I guess my problem is I don't know how I should 'feel' as ive never stuck around long enough to have a relationship with anyone and normally I convince my self I don't find them attractive and just end it ! and that when you meet the 'right one' everthing feels right and perfect with them.

Sorry to waffle on but does this make any sense.

I have had this all going round in my head for a while and needed to write it down.

I spent the last weekend with him and we spoke a bit because as I seemed a bit quiet and he asked if I was ok.

I spoke about my anxieties and how part of me wanted to finish things as I would not hurt him then and would feel the relief of this.

But I said I didn't want too and that I just wanted to be honest about my anxieties and worries.

I feel when im single and not with anyone I have quite a high sex drive and am very attracted to men, but since ive been dating this guy because I have been questioning everything and feeling anxious and constantly wondering if I fancy him my libido has dropped which makes me even more anxious because I feel like I cant perform in the bedroom department. does this make any sense? I just feel like I am constantly questioning and worrying about whether I should be with him or whether he would be better without me.

I think a lot of it is to do with 'one night stands' you don't invest feelings and emotions in someone whereas the longer you are with someone you do and I think that makes me question everything and think 'I would be better on my own' and 'they would too'.

Sorry to waffle on so much but would love to get some feed back on this and get some opinions.

Thanks for reading.

[taurean]

Sounds like OCD is questionning your commitment.

Try filling in the elements of OCD below

Fear:

Manifestation:

Compulsion:

See if you can firm this up .

Then look at the meaning OCD is giving to those thoughts, and challenge that meaning. You can do that by working out your real core values - do you really (you not the OCD) like him and want to pursue the relationship?

You will have to experience the OCD thoughts and resist them to overcome this, and it may take a while - it probably depends on how much you are prepared to commit to the resistance as to how successful you may be.

Edited December 22, 2014 by taurean

[Guest poz28]

thanks taurean I will give it ago :original:

[Guest KittyCat78]

This is what I find so distressing about OCD, it is leaving you unable to enjoy this exciting new relationship. I hope you can manage to quieten down the questioning in your mind.

[Guest poz28]

Thanks for your message Kittycat78.

I have wanted to meet a nice loving considerate guy for such along time and he is all these things.

I want to just chill and not be so negative and enjoy where its going with him .

[Yrrow]

With any relationship there will be what ifs. This goes for anyone...with or without ocd. There will always be a chance of someone getting hurt in a relationship. Relationships always have risk with them and the unknown. I'm betting it is just more difficult for you to battle with these unknowns.

It sounds like this questioning has little to do with your boyfriend and more to do with ocd. Do you think you would have these same questions with any guy? It sounds like you really like him and aren't letting yourself be happy due to fear. I would say keep giving it a chance. It seems like the main problem here is intolerance about uncertainty, because you haven't said anything but positive things about this guy. You deserve to be happy, so don't let the questioning make you feel less deserving of happiness.

[Guest Gale1982]

Hi Pos28,

This is how I read your story...

I've met a really nice guy, we have loads in common, I'm really happy!

I've never experienced this before, therefore, I feel anxious, something must be wrong. I'd better start looking for evidence that there is something wrong...

I have a higher sex drive when single. Maybe I don't fancy him? Is he even attractive? I cant perform well in the bedroom, OMG, there's the prof, I'm just leading him on!! - What a terrible person I am

I only have two options: 1. I stop this now and hurt us both before I hurt him more in the future. 2. Act selfishly and lie so I don't feel alone.... Number 1 means I'll end up alone. Number 2 means I'm a bad person and don't deserve him. Which one do I pick? 1 or 2? 1 or 2? 1 or 2? 1 or 2?...

Hello, me again - I thought it might be helpful to break down and simplify your thinking a little, or at least try to. Hopefully, you can see what OCD is doing with your thoughts and how you are reacting to them. Just as everyone has said, new relationships are new, we don't much like new, we cant predict new

So, stop look for evidence. There is none. That's what you have to get used to.

Hope it all works out my friend

[Guest poz28]

Thanks for all your replies. I found it really helpful to look at other peoples views and thoughts :original:

[Symps07]

Best of luck poz28, I hope this is the start of a fantastic relationship, don't let the OCD ruin it!

I think taurens questionaire looks useful, gonna try it on my own OCD! :original:

[Guest ukbr]

Hi Poz28

I have been in a situation like this before... met this wonderful guy and started to wonder everything. For what you said he seems to be a lovely guy who´s willing to help you and listen to you (trust me, not many will). It´s hard to find a genuine person, who accepts us and is there for us not matter what happens.

I was once single, and trapped in the same cycle as you seem to be... meeting someone new and wondering everything and ending after a short period of time, only to start all over again with someone knew. It´s tiring!!

But you haven´t been in a relationship before, and let me tell you this: RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD! with or without OCD, they are a scary thing, and with many things in life we can´t be sure of anything, we never know what´s around the corner.

He seems to be a special guy, it´s just your head going around in circles! Ask yourself this: Do I like him? Does he turn me on? Does he care about me? Do I feel good around him? Does he seem genuine? Does he see more then the outside? Do I think of him when he´s not around? Do I miss him? Would it upset me if I never saw him again?

If you reply yes to most of this questions above, you´re a lucky guy to have met this person. Try not to worry, relationships are full of insecurities. Give yourself a chance of real love, to feel loved to be loved.

Give yourself a try! Don´t let this one slip through your fingers, did you know that most of this doubts that you have they don´t last more than 15 minutes, think of something else, try to keep yourself busy.

Best of luck (for the both of you)

(I wish I had a guy like the one you met, but i pushed him away because of my own fears, dont do the same)

[taurean]

Best of luck poz28, I hope this is the start of a fantastic relationship, don't let the OCD ruin it!

I think taurens questionaire looks useful, gonna try it on my own OCD! :original:

Let me know how you get on with it. Its a combination of me plus guidance from my therapist.