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Frustrated and hopeless - I need help for my mother! (Please read this one!)


Guest ayesham

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Guest ayesham

Hi all,

I'm really looking for some help and advice as my mum has become a very serious hoarder.

Over the past eight or so years (give or take - I've lost count), since she broke up with my step dad for the final time, our family house has gradually gotten worse and worse. I moved out because I couldn't deal with the mess here, but sadly my 12 year old sister still lives here. She doesn't really buy new items to hoard, but she will not get rid of anything old whatsoever.

My sister has my old room which I personally sorted through and re-decorated to give her a private haven that isn't cluttered or dirty that she can relax in. The rest of the house however, is covered; in piles of clothes, old toys from my childhood, my sister's old toys, paperwork, products from my mum's old job and just rubbish. It's dirty too.

I have tried with no avail to help and sort through the mountains of stuff in this house. For example, the dining table has been piled high with paperwork for years and years. When my mum was at work one day, I cleared the whole thing, kept what I knew was important and threw away anything unimportant or not needed. When my Mum came home, she flipped and ended up bringing three quarters of the stuff back in the house! The only time the dining table is cleared is for Christmas Day every year and then slowly it builds back up.

The whole family always comment on the state of the house, especially my very high maintenance Auntie. I whole-heartedly agree with them. I hate anyone coming to the house because I am so mortified for outsiders to see our home like this. I especially feel extremely sorry my sister. She can't bring friends here because it's just too embarrassing. Apart from that, I just don't think it's fair for her to have to live in a hell hole that she hates. She will come to resent my mother like I did.

Today, I began sorting through the small bedroom that used to be my sister's room before I moved out. I had done quite a lot when my Mum came home, so I asked her to throw away two bags that just had old items in. I came downstairs and she was re-sorting through them. We came to blows and I really lost my cool with her. I have explained that I am not doing it to take her control or put her down and make her feel ashamed of her, but because I want her to live in a place where she can invite people over and not be ashamed. But her attitude is "If they don't like it, they don't have to come over!" I shouted until I was blue in the face and told her she needed help and she just took that as offensive and told me to take my sister and leave if I didn't think it was fair.

She feels like I'm taking the control away from her if I just come in and sort everything myself, which stems from her being in an abusive relationship. I don't know how much longer I can live with her being like this. It's horrible to watch my Mum waste herself and our family home like this. For years she has said "I'm going to sort bla bla next week..." And promise upon promise passes by and then it's another year later and the problem has only gotten worse!!

Can someone please advise on who I can speak with to try and get my Mum help and support, but also a way of effectively getting this house sorted so that my sister has a pleasant place to live and my Mum has somewhere she's actually proud to welcome people into.

Although, this may seem very drastic, I feel if the situation doesn't improve I really may need to think about asking my sister to come and live with me. I resented my mum for a long period while I was growing up and living here and our relationship has only recently gotten better - I don't want my sister to go through that but it's also not healthy for her to be in such a detrimental environment - I don't want it to affect her future like it has me.

I would appreciate any help or someone to talk to. Thanks in advance. Ayesha x

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I can't imagine what it is like to be faced with a disorganized mess like that. I believe you are right to be concerned about your younger sister. That is no way to grow up. There is some research to suggest that kids who come from hoarding houses can end up being hoarders themselves -- not good for your sister.

I have limited expertise dealing with hoarding but I have to suspect the biggest and first obstacle to overcome is the reluctance of the hoarder to want to do something about the mess. Without buy in from your mom it is going to be difficult to make positive changes at the house.

Cleaning up a house that is full can be very overwhelming to the sufferer. It can seem like a monumental undertaking and I think they just shut down because of the sheer size of the task. Of course little by little can be done.

Has your mother shown any sign that she would like to change the way she lives?

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Guest ayesham

@Polarbear:

My Mother has always shown signs that she would like to change, but over the years I have realised that these are empty words because she never carries them through. And I have started openly saying to her "Yes mum, I'll believe it when I see it." And this then makes her lash out at me and the excuses come in: "I've just started a new job.." "I work full time.." "I had to do this on my day off.."

But she will make plans to sort a room on her day off and then literally sleep on the sofa the whole time. I know it's not her fault but she is depressed and stuck in a rut. She was in a very abusive relationship with my little sister's father for over ten years. He mentally and physically abused her and it has taken it's toll on her which is really sad.

Her behaviour and ways have rubbed off on me sadly, and I don't want that to become of my sister. As I've said, I also want a place for my sister to grow up and have sleepovers and friends over without her friends talking about it behind her back and using it as a way to make fun of her - because this has already happened.

When we argued yesterday she was saying "I've tried to get help. There's none out there!" But I really don't know whether to believe that.

Can I approach my doctor about this issue?

Thanks for your help so far.

Edited by ayesham
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I think the first thing you have to realize is that arguing isn't going to solve the problem. I'll bet you've had quite a few arguments over the mess, yet the mess remains. Arguing won't work, so stop doing it.

Secondly, I think you have to treat her with compassion and understanding. Realize that as hard as it is for you to look at the mess, it is far more distressing for your mother to be in the position she is. It must be terribly overwhelming -- she has good motives but just shuts down when faced with cleaning up.

I think it would be an excellent idea for you to start reaching out. See if you can find a therapist that deals with hoarding. There would be no problem with you contacting the therapist to start and seeing what they suggest for proceeding. You can learn some things and maybe eventually convince your mom to get help.

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Hi ayesham,

First of all a warm welcome from me to the forum,and well done for helping your mum and little sister.

I am not sure really i can help you as i am also a hoarder along with checking and contamination ocd.

My hoarding really has got out of hand i think a lot has to do with the fact i have had a lot of big upsets in my life particularly the last couple of years,i am certainly no expert but the fact that your mum has also experienced a lot of difficulties may be the reason she hoards.

As PolarBear has said unless your mum really does want to change it will be hard,and i know first hand that to your mum it seems like an enormous mountain,as i feel the same,but there is help out there as i have been told it is an increasing problem.

I think you could go to your doctor and ask what help is out there,the fact she has you to help is a big plus.

I have also been told about an Empathic De Cluttering Service but have not found out much about this yet and i have been told that it isn't available on the NHS.

I hope you can get your mum to go and see her doctor as there is help,but i can understand how hard it is for her,i also understand how frustrating it must be for you xx

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Excellent advice PolarBear i wanted to write something similar but you have explained it far better than i can,arguing and also doing things too quickly(on the part of the helper)certainly doesn't help x

Edited by daisy
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I can't imagine what it is like to be faced with a disorganized mess like that. I believe you are right to be concerned about your younger sister. That is no way to grow up. There is some research to suggest that kids who come from hoarding houses can end up being hoarders themselves -- not good for your sister.

I had not heard this. Hoarding is believed to be genetic and clearly children can inherit the hoarding genes, but a few people I know who were raised with an enormous amount of clutter went on to keep their own homes very tidy and free of clutter. Hoarding isn't learned behaviour. (Nor is any form of OCD)

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest Madmuppet

Hi Ayesha,

I'm new to this site and just read your post. I also have a mother who is a compulsive hoarder, looking for some way to get her support as I have got past the point of being able to help her myself due to many years of trying in vain. Have you managed to get anywhere with this? I don't know where to start...

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A little over a year ago, before we moved to our apartment (which is not perfect, but SO much better!) we lived in a very messy house. It was old and worn down, and my single mother already had enough stresses and couldn't deal with it. We had too many pets, too much clutter, and it was all around an unpleasant place. It didn't get much better until we cleaned it up and moved.

I think it's just overwhelming for your mom. She may not like change. She's probably attached to the stuff she's had for so long that she can't bear to see it go.

I think instead of saying things like "you need help" or that she's ruining your sisters life, you need to be positive. Set up a day where you can put three big boxes in the yard, giving away, keeping, and throwing away. Give your mother time to think about each object. I remember how scary it was to see big bags of yourself meant to go in the trash. She's probably thinking "there's probably something I need in there!" I'm sure there's not, but let her be sure.

She needs to understand that her daughters life is not something she is not responsible for. It's not a "if they don't like it they can leave" kind of thing. It's a "if it's unhealthy I need to change it." Kind of thing.

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