General help and identifying compulsions

[Guest]

I am recently haunted by my old obsessions. They were with me for a long time, but were in the background while I had more "serious" obsessions or when I was simply busy doing stuff. I've been ill the last two weeks (which resulted in me staying at home) and been doing good with my other obsessions, so you could say it's a perfect time for these old ones to strike harder.

These obsessions are based on safety and self-esteem - I've always had a problem with standing up for myself. I was bullied at school and had some nasty encounters in my life, one involving being threatened with a knife (I wasn't alone then, but it still doesn't help my situation). Eventually I dealt with bullies, but it usually took a lot of time for me to even decide to do something about it. Since then I learned to react quicker in such situations, though I still have some work to do in that area. But the main thing that bothers me is that I have obsessions about being attacked, laughed at, being seen as a coward or letting others take advantage of me (which often results in overreacting to different situations or defending myself when there is no need for it). In the beginning of the year I also cut toxic relationships I had with some of my "friends" and was obsessing that they would make fun of me or laugh at me if we were to meet each other randomly.

I can see now how complex these obsessions have become. Because they were working in the background, I didn't realise it, but they began to scatter on a lot of aspects of my life. For example relationships - that if I was to have a girlfriend she would see me as a coward, or that I am not "manly enough" to start a relationship at all. Or my dream of becoming a musician - that people would see me as a wuss and won't want to waste their time on such a person. Or simply bringing myself down because of it lowering my self-esteem. I could throw some more examples, but you get the idea.

For some reason I was ashamed to write all of this. Probably because of the fear that people here would see me as a coward and won't accept me anymore or something (sounds a lot like social anxiety when I'm writing it down now).

Apart from general help, I also need aid with determining my compulsions. For some reason I can't identify them, which means I can't do proper CBT and I am wondering if this is OCD at all (which is probably an obsession in itself though).

I wanted to keep it shorter, but there was a lot of things to explain, sorry about that.

[Guest]

One of the reasons I also didn't write anything about it earlier is that I had this fear that people would confirm my obsessions, that they are rightly there, that I am a weakling and should just give up on my life. I guess OCD can mess you really good sometimes.

[Guest]

Can someone help?

[PolarBear]

I was reading your post and was thinking, is this OCD or generalized anxiety disorder? Sometimes it's difficult to differentiate between the two.

If this is OCD then you have intrusive thoughts (which would be, i am a weakling, i am a coward), which cause you distress, and you would perform compulsions. You're having difficulty identifying your compulsions.

My instinct tells me that the number one compulsion you probably perform is ruminating -- going over the subject matter in your head, again and again, and not coming up with some kind of satisfactory answer. Ruminating is probably the most common compulsion there is. Even people who have outward compulsions can still ruminate over their obsessions.

See, an obsession usually doesn't last long. It's like a zap in your head, a thought that makes you feel bad. Then you start thinking about that thought, analyzing what it means, what it says about you, and before you know it you've spent many minutes or even hours thinking about the thought. That's ruminating.

[Guest]

Could be rumination. I am sometimes stuck on trying to figure out if my past actions prove that I acted cowardly, or if I would be able to defend myself if such a situation were to happen again. Also thinking about what are my options in situations like this, trying to find a solution... Yes it sounds like compulsions. Then again, I remember stopping these compulsions in the past and still having the fears. Could it be that I experience OCD and GAD at the same time?

It's hard to determine this for me. I know that anxiety caused by not feeling safe is rather common, but I wonder why I have this archetype in my head of what a man should and shouldn't be like. And it's despite that I think of it as something stupid and unnecessary. But I have this fear that I won't be accepted in society otherwise. And of course the mentioned fear that someone will hurt me, either physically or psychologically.

EDIT: Add to the rumination part trying to figure out if I really am a coward or is it just a mental disorder (OCD, GAD, doesn't matter) and being distressed thinking it could be the first option.

Edited December 18, 2014 by Guest

[Guest ADD]

Sounds like social anxiety and ptsd. Or ptsd caused anxieties and beliefs. It's incredibly common for the mind to continue on beliefs from past experiences or interpretations of the experiences. It effects everyone, not only people with anxiety issues. Beliefs and defenses carry over from one situation to new situations where they don't even apply or are unneeded. Cause the defense was set up and you think you still need!

I have that with many different things. Anytime people look at me even I have negative paranoid interpretations that they're looking at me cause I seem weird or suspicious or something negative. Even though I look at everyone else so I know why we all do it, I still feel that way and hate being looked at!

I think you have to remind yourself that it is only past expectations and past programming distorting your perception and interpretation of events and concerns that don't apply anymore! It's an old tape, that's all. You could do well to work with the cognitive distortions on these thoughts I think! Also look into EMDR!

[Guest]

Nah, I don't think it's PTSD. It is bad, but not that severe. Also to my knowledge PTSD happens after certain event, not due to a number of them stretched across many years.

I'll check this EMDR, first time hearing about it.

I agree with the rest of your post, however knowing this doesn't stop the anxiety. What I really would like to know, is how do I apply CBT to this whole thing, whether it's OCD or something else. With other obsessions it's more or less easy for me to apply it, unfortunately not in this case. I'd tell it to my therapist, but she is not available until February.

I really want to do something about it, I just don't know how. It's so frustrating knowing that I beat so many obsessions in the past and now I'm stuck with this one.

Edited December 18, 2014 by Guest

[Guest ADD]

Nah, I don't think it's PTSD. It is bad, but not that severe. Also to my knowledge PTSD happens after certain event, not due to a number of them stretched across many years.

I'll check this EMDR, first time hearing about it.

Actually that is a far more serious and difficult to treat PTSD called Complex PTSD. Like people that have been bullied or lived through prolonged stress and threats and violence etc. It's more difficult than treating a single event, though it is treatable. And yeah look into the EMDR. I've heard many good things about it, including from someone else with OCD I know who had ptsd from childhood bullying and he said it really helped him a lot and felt it was revolutionary for him.

I agree with the rest of your post, however knowing this doesn't stop the anxiety. What I really would like to know, is how do I apply CBT to this whole thing, whether it's OCD or something else. With other obsessions it's more or less easy for me to apply it, unfortunately not in this case. I'd tell it to my therapist, but she is not available until February.

I really want to do something about it, I just don't know how. It's so frustrating knowing that I beat so many obsessions in the past and now I'm stuck with this one.

The CBT I mentioned was REBT and sorting out the cognitive distortions. It takes more than simply recognizing them one time, you have to keep applying the cognitive exercises and reducing the distortions every time. Besides that you can also resist your ruminations and any of the avoidances cause of it. If you avoid situations or relationships or being with certain friends cause of it, then go do those things and then resist ruminating in response to the feelings and distortions they bring up. Your mind is going to adapt soon to those situations if you don't resist them or ruminate. Let the feelings and doubts and anxiety be there.

[Guest Orwell1984]

What is REBT and does the NHS do it? What the poster has written reminds me of my own self esteem problems which I too can't shake.

[Guest]

I begin to more and more think it is OCD. Maybe there is some GAD behind it (or more like SAD?), but I noticed a lot more thinking patterns behind it, simply by paying more attention to these thoughts (not in OCD way, but in realising when obsession or compulsion happens way) - what did people think about me, were they laughing at me later, do they think I'm a coward, are they trying to hurt me or am I overreacting, what if this wasn't a joke but a mean statement, what if I could get hurt by someone going in this place, what would I do if someone decides to attack me... I'm not going to list them all here, because that's not the point and it would take too long. I also met a friend I haven't seen for about 3 months who is a rather confident person and because it was unexpected I began to ruminate later if I didn't do something stupid, what did he think about me, did he view me as shy etc. The word "unexpected" is important here, as if it wasn't a random meeting, but an earlier planned one, I probably wouldn't worry about these things that much. And yes, constant rumination to these topics, I didn't realise it was that big because it mostly happens in certain situations as opposed to popping at random (though it happens too), so being in certain places triggers the thoughts and it's usually outside of my home.

Edited December 23, 2014 by Guest

[PolarBear]

Work on that rumination. It does you no good. Try to resist going over those situations in your head. Leave them alone.

[Guest]

I'll try to do that, in addition I'll flood myself with these obsessions while preventing compulsions to happen, it always worked with my other obsessions. I think what ADD suggested about not avoiding situations that give me anxiety is also a good idea.

[Guest anatta]

It sounds more like GAD and some Social Anxiety (possibly sub-clinical but adding to your overall stress), both of which also frequently involve lots of rumination. The difference between them all is the nature of the fears themselves, and that for a GAD diagnosis (which some people think has criteria that are too strict - many, many people have too few symptoms for diagnosis or haven't had it for six months yet but are badly affected, and end up with Anxiety Disorder NOS diagnosis) you need a certain number of physical symptoms of anxiety too. However, it might not matter much, because although they differ neurologically (diametrically opposed even, from the current data, but it's common to have both so presumably that's just because brain imaging isn't precise enough yet to tell which part of the basal ganglia is enlarged in OCD and which bit is undersized in GAD), at least some therapists give the same kind of CBT and/or ERP for GAD and SAD that is recommended for OCD.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder-and-social-phobia.htm

Edited December 23, 2014 by anatta