I feel really down and struggling

[Lemon]

Hi everyone,

I feel I am totally losing the battle and want it all to go away.

I have an obsession that was triggered many years ago when my son was younger, maybe 3, hes now 14, my mum made a comment saying hes got the devil in him because he was a bit hyper, Ive been on knives before and got over it but not like this, it seems to have changed theme, it seems to immerged again years later what my mum said and has completely overtaken everything, my obsession is that my son has the devil in him, Im scared of my knives in the drawers as they are kitchen devils [that's the make of them], the colour red as I associate it with the devil and my son, I was applying for estas and had to put in our passport numbers and my sons had 666 in the middle, and last night it really tipped me over the edge, when I saw that my son was playing with one of his friends on his ps4 and his name was dark night666, I want to avoid my son, I feel really anxious, I keep noticing devils, or the word devil in songs, people saying it, out and about or the colour red, I think maybe its a sign that I have to kill my son because he has the devil in him to protect myself, I know its all so stupid and can rationalise, but then the ocd takes over and says maybe he has?, how can I be sure?, why am I noticing devils everywhere? why am I noticing the number 6? do I love him?, I feel guilty as my son has no idea what my thoughts are about, I keep ruminating about things and cant stop and Im driving myself crazy, maybe Im just losing the plot once and for all and I am going crazy, then that scares me for thinking that, its all really scaring me, my ocd has always been related to my son and its the worst thing ever as I love him to death, how can it be so cruel.

It also scares me that I cant seem to find anyone else with a similar obsession to mine, because I then think there is something really wrong with me and I have lost the plot.

Sorry to scare anyone who reads this.

[PolarBear]

The question isn't why you keep seeing the number 6. It's why do you put any significance on that number.

There are only 10 numerals in existence (0 through 9). You're going to see 6 about as much as any other number. In your mind though you equate something bad with 6. Ultimately it's just a number.

You have attached some magical thinking to normal, everyday things. A fairly common OCD trait. You keep the magical thinking alive by performing compulsions. I suspect when you see 666 you ruminate and try to associate it with your son.

The three triggers you've mentioned are the colour red, the number 6 and the word devil. You need to expose yourself to these items and resist performing compulsions. You need to keep it up until they've lost there magical qualities.

A simple thing you can do is sit down and write the number 6 and the word devil repeatedly in red ink, being cognizant of any compulsions that crop up. Do it over as many sessions until they just seem like any other number or word.

Edited July 30, 2014 by PolarBear

[Lemon]

Thank you PolarBear

Yes Im associating them all with my son, and ruminating to try and look for answers but getting no where fast, the thing is Ive had therapy and still seem to get clouded by the OCD which frustrates me more as it creeps up on me, and I should know what Im doing but don't.

I think it all comes down to me thinking Im going to harm him in some way, Ive never had it like this before and it seems to have changed theme, same content but a different way of thinking about it, it seems a bit more scarey as it doesn't seem right to be thinking in this way as I know the devil, numbers and colours are ridiculous ways of thinking about something, its like a horror movie in my head, Ive had harm thoughts before but this one is really scarey.

Sometimes I find it hard to understand completely.

[PolarBear]

It's difficult to understand an entity that isn't founded on rational behaviour.

You can change the way you react to the thoughts though. You can let them be and not give them any attention.

[Lemon]

I know I have to stop ruminating, that's my mental ritual I always do to try and come up with answers.

I am going to do what you suggested, to write down the numbers, the word devil in the colour red, that's a good one, I should of thought that one, I already have a picture of the devil in my handbag, just hope nobody looks in their, and in the kitchen, the numbers only became a problem a couple of days ago, so really want to nip it in the bud before it gets any worse.

[legalseagull]

You're noticing the number 6 because it bothers you. I agree with Polarbear, challenge yourself and do the exposures. Start with one that's the least stressful and work up. Don't do any compulsions to ease the anxiety.