Omg ... OCD ... PREGNANT after 10 years and unbelievable guilt :-( plz help

[Guest lucylia]

Ok long story short. My son is nearly 10. Just found out I'm pregnant. I want to keep it but I don't think i deserve to. When my son was a baby I had very bad OCD and pnd. I never had much support. I remember when he was about 2/3 he wouldn't sleep or stay in his bed. I smacked him. I smacked him very hard on the bum a few times. His bum was very red. I wasn't coping and I had no sleep and I lost it with him. And I used to try and NOT smack him cause I always felt guilty. Then I would think "it's ok just smack his bum and hopefully he will learn and If u feel guilty you can just confess to mum tomorrow who will make u feel better" so I smacked him again :-( I have always hated myself for this. Anyway, this morning I was lying in bed thinking about how I will cope this time if my baby is a bad sleeper. I thought we'll I can just smack him like I did my son and hopefully he will learn. Then I thought I can't do that because this time I have my fiancé and he would be mad if I smacked out child :-( now I feel AWFUL :-( I want to die. Why did I not think "I shouldn't smack the baby because its wrong and will hurt him/her" ..... Why was y first thought that my fiancé would get mad :-( I want to be a mum again. This time it's different. Inhale lots of support and I'm with babies dad. And he so amazing. And I have lots of other support and help this time plus I'm 10 years older. I want this chance to be a better mum and I don't want to be a mum who loses it and smacks her child. But I'm horrified that I thought that way and that I was more worried about my fiancé being mad than about hurting my baby :-( what's wrong with me?? Will social services take my baby if I admit my feelings? Please will someone help me xx

Lucy xxx

[Guest Tricia]

Oh, Lucy, bless you.

I don't think you need to say about the smacking, just explain how bad your anxiety is and how severe your OCD (and PND) became after your son's birth. Explain you need a great deal of help and support.

You know now how badly the pressure gets to you (and it's very understandable, please, please try to shed the guilt). With the right support you will cope better.

You are far from alone (over the smacking) and I can't tell you how much I admire you for your honesty.

I truly feel for you. xx

P.S. Please don't think because I said I wouldn't mention the smack that I feel it was terrible, because I don't think that. I just don't feel it needs to be mentioned. No harm was done (only to you). Forgive yourself!!

Edited September 21, 2014 by Tricia

[Guest lucylia]

I feel awful. My pregnancy was so bad. But I'm scared not to have this baby incase i regret it. I think it would be lovely and possibly the making Of me. But I also worry it will make me worse and I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. My dear fiancé would love a wee baby of his own. Our son is 10 and we met wen he was 4 so he isn't biologically his even though he gets treated like he is. But he still sees his dad. I'd love to given fiancé the chance to experience how lovely a baby of his own is xxx

[Ruth]

dont be so hard on yourself.most 2 or 3 year olds refuse to go to bed and as you said you have much more support this time.there is lots of tips on bedtime routines now.the rapid return method worked for me it took 3 nights but never had any more problems with my todler and bedtimes after that.

[SaraJane]

Hey Lucy,

I've had 3 pregnancies - the gaps between mine are all pretty big and I went through them all with ocd. I too had PND so understand the fear of it recurring. I want to encourage you that each of my pregnancies were different and I got no PND at all with my youngest child - in fact it was quite the opposite experience. No-one knows what will happen to you but I want to encourage you that having PND with a previous pregnancy does not mean it will definitely happen again.

You've already got great support in your partner which is fab and it's a good idea to speak up to midwives now and ask for help. I agree with Tricia you only need to mention the ocd/previous PND.

Depending on where you live there may be more services that you can access. After my second child I attended a NHS Mother and child day hospital - there was mental health nurses, Psychiatrists and support for me with the PND and ocd and nursery nurses on site. I could stay all day, attend as often as I wanted, have a meal there and have transport provided. It was a blessing especially at those times when I felt most isolated. I don't know now if places like that still exist but it maybe worth an enquiry.

Take it one day at a time and take time for you when you can.

[Guest lucylia]

Thanks everyone. I also have cbt and alcohol clincilling coming up to. I've not touched a drop of alcohol since I found out I was pregnant, but I have used it on and off al my life self medicating because wen I have a drink it eases my OCD (at the time) I want help getting over that. I already feel like I don't deserve this baby because I'm having thoughts about sitting out the back on a sunny day with the baby and my friend and her baby and enjoying some wine. I feel bad even thinking that and the guilt over that consumes me. I feel like a bad mum already and I haven't even had the baby :-( xx

Lucy xxx

[Guest lucylia]

I really don't think I deserve to be a mum. I feel awful today. I'm tempted not to continue with my pregnancy. I have loads of memories of things that happened when my son was young it makes me feel sick with guilt. I remember when he just wouldn't do ANYTHING he was told I used to feel so angry and unwanted to teach him that his tantrums etc were naughty. I actually remember a day waking up and thinking "right today inks the day I will stick by my guns and every time he misbehaves he will get a smack on the bum" but i remember feelings of "excitement" and "wanting" to smack him if that makes sense. It was almost like I'd think "I dare you to misbehave today cause every time u do u wil get a sore bum or hand" and I felt excitement. If I could have clicked my fingers and made him behave without ever having to smack him I'd have done so in a heart beat but he wouldn't. It almost felt like a relief to see him in pain because he was misbehaving so much. It was almost a feeling of "that what you get you cheeky little boy" :-( sometimes when he is like that now I feel the same. I never ever smack him now. I haven't for years. But in the sense of taking his iPod off him and he gets upset I don't feel pained to see him in pain ... I feel more like "ha that will teach you to be horrible" ..... I really think I don't deserve to be a mum and these are not normal feelings :-(

Lucy xxx

[SaraJane]

Lucy - what you describe sounds like normal parenting to me - many parents smack their little ones bums when they mis-behave and many parents speak out about it in a positive way or a way similar to what you describe without feeling bad about it. I think the difference is the ocd - it creates an awful lot more feelings of guilt when there is nothing to feel guilty about or causes us to question our motives when our motives are essentially good. Good parents discipline their children when they mis-behave. I believe the ocd is the diffculty here not your parenting.

Please take time to consider your options here carefully. I do believe with the right support (and you have already said your partner is fantastic, are posting here and can speak to midwives/doctors too and there may be others such as pnd support forums) you can get through this. If you are feeling bad for healthy discipline then please consider carefully before abandoning a pregnancy especially as ocd already steals so much from our lives - people have suffered because of choices made in pregnancy without having ocd to contend with too. Ultimately, it is your choice to make but I would encourage you to look at the whole picture first including the impact on you and your partner if you make a choice now that you could regret later.

[Guest Tricia]

I agree with SaraJane and Ruth.

Lucy, you are being far too hard on yourself.

I cannot abide naughty children and have felt like you described. Not with mine because I was very strict from the beginning (but with nieces and nephews). I just could not have coped with a badly behaved child. Although part of me feels guilty for that, children are actually happier when they are not spoilt and mine have turned into well adjusted adults.

Like SaraJane, I worry you could regret ending your pregnancy, although it's your decision and I certainly would not judge you for it. Clearly your fiancé is so supportive. With the right professional support I think you'll cope. As we have said, it is your decision, yours and your fiancé's, all I can say is, you do not sound like a bad mother and I believe OCD is distorting your thinking and creating unnecessary guilt.

[Ashley]

I really think I don't deserve to be a mum and these are not normal feelings :-(

I am not sure this is OCD thinking, or more the thinking of a potential new mum. On the forums we often blame a lot on OCD when it is not necessarily OCD. I wonder if you need to discuss the pregnancy and if you are ready to be a mum again with your GP or another health professional to review your options and ensure you have some support, social services are there to help and support people.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Ashley.

[Guest lucylia]

Thanks for everybody's opinion. Is it possible this could be normal new mum thinking but the fact I have OCD is exasperating it?? Therefore all my thoughts are totally normal but having OCD is making them appear to be something massive? I will definitely speak to my doctor but I do not want to involve social services :-( if they took my son off me or put my son and new born on the "at risk" I don't think I could handle that :-( x thinking that perhaps this is more than OCD terrifies me and I worry I'm not good

Enough to be a mum :-( xx

Lucy xxx

[PolarBear]

You know, rather than looking at this situation as a chance you'll repeat past mistakes, you could start looking at it as an opportunity to get it right. You can look at the past with your first son as a trial run and you can use everything you learned the first time around in raising your second. There's a positive in there if you think about it.

[Guest lucylia]

Thanks polar bear. That's what I have been trying to do. I mean honestly

Inspire of how I was 10 years ago with no support, my son has turned into a healthy happy lovely 10 year old. I'm always complimented on his behaviour and manners. He is very loving and nothing I done has caused long term damage AT ALL. But I do want to do things different. My situation is different this time aswell. I have a very loving fiancé. I am estranged from my own family (which to be honest I'm struggling with) but I'm trying my best not to let that allow me to do something I will regret. I imagine if I have a termination I will hate myself. I will sink into depression and always wonder what could have been. My fiancé is so happy about it and can't wait for baby. I think the affects of NOT having this baby will harm us more and our relationship than actually HAVING the baby xx I feel this baby could be a fresh start one that we all need x

Lucy xxx

[mummyoftwogirls]

I am not sure this is OCD thinking, or more the thinking of a potential new mum. On the forums we often blame a lot on OCD when it is not necessarily OCD. I wonder if you need to discuss the pregnancy and if you are ready to be a mum again with your GP or another health professional to review your options and ensure you have some support, social services are there to help and support people.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Ashley.

Im not sure i agree, i think ocd or at least general anxiety is playing a role here. i had suffered for years with ocd had had thi very same thing when i found out i was pregnant . Im sure this is normal feelings very exaggerated by Ocd.

[mummyoftwogirls]

lucylia i also occasionally smacked my kids when they were 2 or three and also felt the same feelings as you. the worst feeling was when i would think just like you 'come on just try and test me and see what happens' sounds awful but i thought and felt the same thing. we all feel and do things that perhaps are not the correct thing to do but parenting is tough especially with an anxiety disorder. i truly think your Ocd is making this worse. Those liitle darlings can be trying at the best of times xx

[Guest lucylia]

Thank you so much for your reply. I have been obsessing over all my previous thoughts as a mum and all undone wrong with my son so it feels a little obsessive with the guilt etc. I've always felt guilty on an off when I thought about it but quickly brushed it to the side. Now I'm carrying a baby I cannot shift the guilt. I'm over compensating to my son because of the memories I have (not him) of how I treated him. He has no recollection at all. I am so glad you replied and that I'm not the only

Mum who has had these thoughts and feelings about their child. Thank you so much. I'm both excited and terrified about being a mum again. Its such a stressful time when up have anxiety OCD etc though. Thank you for your kind words and letting me know I'm not alone in some of my

Motherly thoughts towards my son when he really tried my patience xx

Lucy xxx

[Guest lucylia]

And now I've spent the whole night awake over another thought. We have a German Shepard pup. I've heard horror stories about them mauling babies. I was lying in bed thinking about when baby comes I can't wait to get into a routine and then have a good girls night and a good drink (I stopped drinking the minute I found out I was pregnant and I don't miss it and it won't bother me but I know I will want to chill with a drink again at some point) but I've had issues with alcohol and self medicating before. Anyway, that's another story, but .... My first thought was "I can't enjoy a drink again or leave the baby with my fiancé incase he falls asleep an the dog escapes and hurts my baby"..... Why would that be my first thought?? Why wasn't it "I won't be able to go for my weekly shop without worrying" .... It's like I wouldn't worry so long as I could have my girls nights.... Now I feel like I'm putting thoughts of alcohol and socialising before my baby :-( I haven't slept all night over this. What Jon of mother am I!! Why wasn't it "I won't be able to go to the gym without worrying about the dog and baby" or "I won't be able to go for a coffee without worrying about baby and dog"..... This must mean that alcohol means more to me than my wee baby :-( is that what this means???

Lucy xxx

[Binxy]

Hi Lucy,

First- congratulations. Second- you have OCD, these are OCD thoughts, treat them like OCD. I know it's hard. I'm trying not to reassure you which is hard as I know you're struggling.

Hang in there.

Binx

[joanne123]

Hi Lucy you have had some great advice on here, I just wanted to say congratulations and do what makes you happy, Don`t let the ocd decide your bigger than the ocd. All the best. Joanne x

[Guest lucylia]

Why on earth would i think that? Why did I think about alcohol? Why didn't I think about tennis or coffee or the gym or running or shopping :-( :-( x p.s thanks for the congrats. Not used to being pg xx

Lucy xxx

[SaraJane]

I am not sure this is OCD thinking, or more the thinking of a potential new mum. On the forums we often blame a lot on OCD when it is not necessarily OCD. I wonder if you need to discuss the pregnancy and if you are ready to be a mum again with your GP or another health professional to review your options and ensure you have some support, social services are there to help and support people.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Ashley.

I have to respectfully disagree Ashley - I've been through 3 pregnancies all with ocd and as a stay at home Mum have spent a lot of time with other Mums and I do think these are ocd type thoughts. I agree that all potential parents/existing parents have worries and concerns but it's different to this. I agree that chatting with the GP is a good plan but I don't agree about social services - I think that is likely to enhance the worries here. Lucylia has a ten year old son she has raised and describes positively and that is something to be very proud of.

[Guest lizinlondon]

Try not to get caught up in these worries. None of us can know what will happen in the future. You are worrying about things that have not happened. I would try and catch myself worrying, and then stop, no matter how hard it is. It is healthier for your baby if you don't worry. Try to do some deep breathing and distract yourself doing things that relax you.

[Guest Tricia]

I have to respectfully disagree Ashley - I've been through 3 pregnancies all with ocd and as a stay at home Mum have spent a lot of time with other Mums and I do think these are ocd type thoughts. I agree that all potential parents/existing parents have worries and concerns but it's different to this. I agree that chatting with the GP is a good plan but I don't agree about social services - I think that is likely to enhance the worries here. Lucylia has a ten year old son she has raised and describes positively and that is something to be very proud of.

SaraJane, I agree with you and Mummyoftwogirls.

Edited September 23, 2014 by Tricia

[Caramoole]

Life is rarely black and white. We have some fears that are irrational, some that are OCD, some that are real-life concerns and often a miscellany or amalgam of them all. There can be things we've done that we genuinely regret and then obsess about, even though OCD will hammer us unrelentlessly it may be that the the originating thought/behaviour genuinely concerns us.

As Polar Bear said earlier, the aim is to make use of any genuine past regrets or decisions and change those things in the current day/future whilst being aware that OCD will heighten our doubts perhaps excessively.

Caramoole

[gingerbreadgirl]

On the forums we often blame a lot on OCD when it is not necessarily OCD. .

I have to say I am kind of amazed by this statement ( unless I've misunderstood) - from what I have seen it tends to be the other way round, I.e. " this can't be OCD, it's too real" etc. People tend to find reasons for it not being OCD rather than the other way round. Plus Jeffrey Schwarz says " OCD mimics reality but reality doesn't mimic OCD - if it feels like OCD, it probably is". I'm not saying there is never reality in any OCD thoughts - clearly there can be sometimes - but I think this is the exception.