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Going to London


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So I booked my flights to go and live in London. It's 2 weeks away and I decided to just go for it, despite my fears. Where I am currently in Ireland is too isolated and in London I will be in catchment area of the Maudsley hospital who specialise in Ocd and anxiety disorders. So that could be a possibility. I will also not have to live with my family which is a huge source of stress, even though they are a big support.

I still worry that I won't get past this spike. I still can't see it as Ocd, although I am trying to treat it as such. Will I ever know why I kissed my brother again and let myself enjoy the arousal? Probably not. I spent months trying to figure out why I would let myself do that and never came to a conclusion. Thing is, now I have to live with the uncertainty of possibly doing something sexual with a child, and that is incredibly difficult. How does anyone live with that possibility? I know I have to but it's horrible and I don't know if I can do that forever. Any advice before I go to London? It will probably be a few months at least before I can see a therapist.

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Well done for putting things into place,shows real strength

I cant offer you any advice for ocd as I think you have a wealth of knowledge,that with your future therapy is the direction your going

As for the move,just enjoy it the best you can,sometimes hussle and bussle is good to be in the crowd rather than isolated,i lived in ireland and I found it beautiful but quite heavy in the mountains with to much thinking time.

See the sights,eat great food and take care of yourself,dont burn the candle at both ends and take time to meditate

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Hi Saffie

I am a Midlander but made my home in London for the last 44 years.

My sister has OCD too and got treatment from the Maudsley.

My knowledge on sexually-orientated OCD is really just from the forum, but I have picked up from it that the usual elements that sufferers struggle with are common viz:

Is it OCD or am I really oriented that way?

I got aroused therefore I must have enjoyed it therefore I am a peudo or whatever.

Well these are purely personal observations, but OCD is built on a fear - thrives casting doubt and uncertainty - and can I am sure send a false message to the brain raising sexual arousal.

Plus would a person agonising over unwanted thoughts and feelings and spending hours on an OCD forum not actually be suffering from OCD?

Edited by taurean
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Thanks guys. It is a scary move but I am no stranger to being scared. In terms of ocd and arousal, I don't analyse what is real arousal or not because it never works and human sexuality is too complex anyway. I got somewhat aroused due to associations of kissing a man and this didn't concern me as I am used to inappropriate arousal. It felt like it would with an adult but I then kissed him again and once more enjoyed that feeling. So I was panicking because my intention was bad, and I thought it was a form of sexual abuse. The lack of anxiety and the fact that I enjoyed the feeling and did it again is what bothered me, that's not something I've ever heard of an Ocd sufferer doing. In some ways I thought I had practiced Cbt and exposure exercises for so long that I no longer got warning signs in those situations. Like I did it and didn't realise it was bad until after.

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Guest lizinlondon

Hi forget sightseeing, the first thing you need to do is get to the local GP and get on the waiting lists. Don't settle for anything than the best treatment. Do whatever it takes to get a place at the Maudsley - you deserve the help to get well. Make this the focus of your attention for now and try and not engage with the POCD, you can tackle this in therapy.

Well done in on making the decision - you are really brave!

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That all sounds pretty OCD to me Saffie

" I got somewhat aroused due to associations of kissing a man and this didn't concern me as I am used to inappropriate arousal. It felt like it would with an adult but I then kissed him again and once more enjoyed that feeling. So I was panicking because my intention was bad, and I thought it was a form of sexual abuse. The lack of anxiety and the fact that I enjoyed the feeling and did it again is what bothered me,"

i think just because you kissed him again and got the feeling, you feel you are bad and it was sexual abuse. Well why not consider you were trying a behavioural experiment, and you got the same result - you could say yes the result was as expected, i got a feeling of arousal which proves that OCD is creating that feeling. So your intention would not have been bad, it was to see if you got the same result, and you did of course.

Because you had a mind-set (from that false message) that you enjoyed it sexually, you consider you were guilty of sexual abuse. This kind of ploy is very typical of how OCD works, creating a fear, then anxiety.

Hope this helps.

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Thanks guys. I thought maybe I was trying to carry on as normal and do it again almost to defy my ocd, or in spite of it.it happened automatically and I didn't really think. Who knows. First thing Im going to do though is register with a gp and go from there. Youve all been really helpful and supportive.

Edited by Saffie
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That's what I forgot to say...before I kissed him again, I remember geeling like I wanted to kiss him again. It was enjoyable because I love showing affection to him, and that sexual feeling was there also so when I carried on, it felt like it had come from a place of bad intention. Maybe feelings got mixed up I dont know. Nothing like that ever happened to me before. I guess ive been punishing myself because I thought I should have stopped when I got that feeling. Instead I let it be there and even did it again, as if I just embraced it and didn't let it stop me being affectionate with him. Im just not trying to figure it out because it just gets more blurry.

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Sorry PolarBear :p I just know it wasn't a checking thing. Ironically, around that time I was no longer engaging in compulsions because I didn't have the paedophile fear anymore. It didnt really enter my head anymore so when I carried on despite it feeling sexual, I in fact ended up developing a fear of that. Anxious about not being anxious... Is that like a backdoor spike?

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Guest Orwell1984

I suggest trying to shift your focus from the internal to the external world. Put your efforts into finding some physically engaging activity that will pass the hours and get you out of introspective loops. Are you in hospital? If so engage in whatever activities they have going there. Do anything to limit potential time for internal compulsions

Edited by Orwell1984
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Well today I had a bit of insight for the first time. I woke up and didn't ruminate, and when the situation popped into my head I thought 'I was just trying to carry on as normal and continue to be affectionate with my brother despite the inappropriate feelings.' rather than a clear intention of getting aroused. I am not going to use this as reassurance but I am going to try and stop punishing myself for carrying on, and not go over it. I am allowed out for the day today so will keep distracted.

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Thanks guys. Went out for the day, had a few anxious moments but managed not to ruminate or analyse much. In doing so I realised I've probably been punishing myself for not reacting, which is what I should actually be doing. I got a sexual feeling and instead of getting anxious and questioning it, I thought whatever and carried on, almost to spite my ocd. But that was easily misconstrued as a sexual intention. That's what most likely happened but I know Ocd will most likely throw up more doubts and possibilities soon. I am doing my utmost not to engage in analysing though.

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Guest lizinlondon

Careful you are starting to ruminate. Think of the next stages in your recovery and leave the past in the past. Therapy will help you get stronger to manage your OCD.

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Thankd liz. My next focus is getting over to London next Saturday then get in with the mental health team in the area. The only thing I am certain of is I want to work hard if there is any chance of getting my life back.

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Guest lizinlondon

There is 100% chance of you getting your life back. Keep moving forward one day at a time. Be kind to yourself.

The way I look at it, for me there is no other option but to get my life back, I can't stay like this. I look at Legend, PolarBear, Ashley and LauraMac. They have got better from being in really hard places. Let them inspire you when you feel any doubt!

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Saffie, I'm in SE london. Id recommend going through IAPT first. I saw someone quite quickly who was a clinical psychologist who worked at the Maudsley and I was not that bad. Then, they can bump you up to CADAT if needed. You will have to jump through some hoops but going to IAPT first is probably the quickest. There will be a telephone interview which was frightening but they were helpful. You can self refer from their website without even needing to go through the go, though I would obviously recommend that you get a gp as well. If you explain that you're in difficulties, they will move you up the queue more quickly. Good luck.

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