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Really having a tough time. Can't stop sobbing.


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I'm really struggling tonight. I've been particularly bad for around 4 weeks. My chest is killing me my head hurts. I can't stop what I'm doing usually I can restrain it. It's going from one type/obsession to another. At the moment I'm feeling incredible guilty/disgusted by an ocd incident which happened almost 16 years a go which resulted in me checking that it was okay to do the thing I was worried about doing, by doing it, then followed by guilt and disgust that then I had actually done something wrong. I told my then partner at the time and yesterday after almost 16 years Sunce incident I told my new partner (of 6 years). It's something I've always regretted doing and haunts me but my reason for it was to reassure myself the original thought I had ( which I know no I wouldn't have acted on ) was okay. I didn't no ocd exsisted at the time and thought I'd gone crazy. Now I don't know if what I did was wrong and if it was I certainly never did it for any other reason than to check. I know this probably makes no sense but my head is spinning. I'm lost at the moment. I actually can't think straight to even make a drink. I feel like my world had fallen apart and there is nothing inside my mind nothing makes sense.

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It does make sense. The doing rituals and checking compulsions. Not sure what you done but I'm very doubtful it was wrong. It was a checking compulsion that's very common with OCD xx

Lucy xxx

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Guest Gale1982

Hi PoppyRose,

Sorry to read you're in a bad way. I think your panicking which is feeding the thoughts even more. Try to relax, concentrate on your breathing. It's horrible when this happens, I know.

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Normally I try to sleep but it's that bad I can't. I'm hot. I need to talk to my partner again about what I did. I'm sure he's telling me it's okay to calm me down. I've shelved this for so long it's now come out and I feel I've done something terrible. I can't think straight. If it is as bad as I think I want to be locked up and never see light of day. I feel I don't deserve to sleep/bath/smile/eat how can I when I know what's happened. If I'd have known about ocd in 1 st place I would have known it was just a thought and therefore not had to check. I really didn't want to do it to hurt anyone or personal gain or anything like that. I was checking if I had done what I thought about that it would be okay. But I don't think it is. Sorry this sounds so crazy

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Guest Gale1982

You're thinking like this because your anxiety is ski-high. Sleeping is good but its tough when your thoughts are racing. Do you have any other techniques for calming down. Has your GP ever prescribed you anything for high anxiety?

Edited by Gale1982
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Guest Gale1982

Once you calm down, your thoughts will be easier to manage. I know what you're saying and how you feel but that's OCD and anxiety talking, not you.

How has your GP advised you to take Quitiepeine, Poppy?

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so you think you have done something bad and need to make amends, that is a healthy and positive attitude,

genuine remorse is the first step in solving All Problems, well done,

move on step two you need a clear head to make it right,

you need rest sweet girl, sleep, you will eventually make it right,

take solace in that.

thankyou

Edited by Withdrawntech
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I see three compulsions you are performing at the moment: rumination (over thinking a topic), reassurance seeking and a need to confess. You're anxiety is sky high, which is causing you to ruminate further, which is raising your anxiety level. You need to get to a place where your anxiety is managed better so you can think about this a little more logically.

You need to take care of yourself and do what you need to in order to reduce your anxiety at this time. You are worth it and things will be clearer when your anxiety level has been reduced. Take the medication if need be. Do some relaxation/mindfulness exercises. Get a good night's sleep. That's what the short term focus should be for you.

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Can anybody help. When I was checking to see if what I'd had a thought about doing was ok by doing it. Would my ocd have stopped me doing something I shouldn't have. I know what I did was for no other reason than to check. I didn't do it for any personal gain. Does this make it okay

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PoppyRose, unfortunately you are asking for reassurance. It seems you are ruminating too about this incident. What that does is it reinforces the original obsession, making it seem more likely that something wrong happened.

You need to work on resisting ruminating and try to get your anxiety level down. Do some relaxation exercises, work up a sweat exercising, do things you like to do so your focus is on those things and not on ruminating.

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I had my telephone appointment today. The outcome was I'm very anxious and need cbt but there is a 176 day waiting list where we live. I'm going out of my mind. I don't feel I can continue at work I've been trying to hold it together thinking well at least my appt is mon. They also couldn't give me advice of what to do in this situation as it was a consultantion. I feel like I need to go to police and report myself. This is torture and no standard of life.

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If you can't wait then don't wait. Take a go at it on your own. Read books. Read the forum. Get very informed about OCD, what it is, how it works. Then identify your own obsessions and compulsions. Slowly start to tackle your obsessions and compulsions, properly challenging the intrusive thoughts and working hard to not perform compulsions.

Some people have overcome their OCD on their own. It takes commitment and hard work.

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Polarbear I want nothing more to be well. I can't cope any longer but I'm not going to get well while I have this hanging over me. In seeking reassurance about a thought I had I checked it would be okay if I had acted on thought by doing it. Now I don't know where I am with it all. I thought people with ocd don't act on thoughts. Clearly it's not ocd for me else I wouldn't have done it. I feel vile. If I'd have none about ocd 16 years ago this never would have happened. I'm lost as to how I've not seen this earlier. I told my child's father all them years ago immediately and he told me not to worry but he was wrong I should have worried.

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Without specifics it's hard to follow what you are worried about. You say this isn't about OCD for you, yet you post on an OCD forum. Clearly part of you thinks OCD is involved.

Educating yourself about OCD, what obsessions and compulsions are, how OCD manifests itself, can only better your understanding of your own condition.

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I understand looking back yes I have ocd and the original thought I had was purely ocd. I understand the thought distressed me so severely for months that the only way I could escape was to actually prove to myself it would have been okay even if I'd have done what I'd done, so that's what I did. I checked it was okay by doing it (ocd checking) but by checking I think I've done something I shouldn't have.

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And now you're beating yourself up over it. Sure sounds like OCD, doesn't it?

Regardless, you're now in a position where you are worrying excessively about an incident that happened in the past. At what point do you let yourself off the hook, stop beating yourself up and begin working toward the future?

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